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Original poster

Dealing with he ILs and children

64 replies

MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 02:37

My sil and her family is staying with us for a few days and I'm just miserable. They have two DS (9 and 10) and I have a baby (4months) old. The boys are so badly behaved and it's just getting to me.

They are constantly jumping on the furniture, Throwing cushions around, played with a big beach ball indoors and knocked something over, and I feel like I'm constantly telling them 'please don't do this or that' which makes it very awkward.

What's really getting to me is the way they are so rough with the baby. He has a rocker type chair that has a mobile above and the chair moves when baby moves. I have to repeatedly tell them stop rocking him, as they do it so violently he threw up Angry then they are constantly tickling him so roughly he cries, it's exhausting keep watching them. Dh and I both tell them stop, but it's like doing it every 5 minutes which makes us feel like bad people. The 9yo keeps wanting to sit in the tiny rocker chair, and I have to keep telling him no.

Sil and her husband just sit there smiling as if the children are the cutest while doing all these things.

Dh is the least confrontational person and would work around an issue than confronting it. Last time they were here, no one could watch tv for 4days as they had the PlayStation on the entire time. So dh this time unplugged and put it away rather than saying something about it. I really can't stand the lot of them and am glad to not see them, but I do it for dh.

Please give me some tips on how to cope as i feel like the bad person here always saying 'don't do this or that' and then there's the awkward silence. Thanks.

OP posts:
Bobochic · 16/12/2016 02:41

Oh you poor, poor thing.

Those boys need to be taken out and to run and move for several hours a day until they are exhausted. Do you have a local swimming pool/ice rink/play ground? It is quite all right to tell your SIL and her DH that they must take their boys out to get exercise rather than leaving the boys to take exercise in your house.

Topseyt · 16/12/2016 02:46

Tell them that you have had enough of their badly behaved brats and would appreciate it if they either took proper control or left.

Seriously, you shouldn't have to stand for your house being trashed and your baby hurt. If they want to trash a house they are free to trash their own. Nobody else's. Tell them that it isn't even remotely cute.

Original poster
MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 02:50

Thank you for replying, they are planning to take them out. However it's that they need to occupied every second. They need to be jumping on the couch while watching tv, irritating the baby, running and sliding on the floor. It's things like this which I feel is so disrespectful and bad mannered, all the while sil just sits there saying nothing.

Dh took them for a drive as well yesterday when they were getting a bit too much, but they came back and started immediately.
They also keep asking why can't they do this or that, and I feel horrible keep having to explain why as if I'm so mean yet it's things they shouldn't be doing.

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 16/12/2016 02:52

Yep, I'd be kicking their asses out.

They can't hurt your baby. Angry

Original poster
MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 03:06

I wish I could tell them to leave and I know dh supports me but would feel bad to do so.
I just can't imagine allowing my own DS to behave like that in someone else's home.
And the kids ask things like why can't I do this or that, and parents sit there saying nothing and I feel the bad one saying no.
Don't know how to get through the next few days.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2016 03:10

At some point you will have an awful toddler or a rude tween or a sullen teen. It is absolutely no excuse. But the needs of a four month old and two tweens are so different that there is bound to be an issue.

They need to be out and about, running around and getting their energy out or plugged into the PS which your DH removed. Your baby needs calm and snuggles and gentleness.

You need to set firm boundaries. Just say, "no touching" firmly every single time they go near the baby. They can't be gentle so no touching is the only way. And get out of the bloody house.

DD has ADHD and we have to spend hours running her like a puppy otherwise she just can't control herself well. She was terrible around babies for a while. The same babies who, now they are toddlers, drive her mad with their noise and non-gentle hands.

Bogeyface · 16/12/2016 03:16

Just plug the PS back in.

Path of least resistance and all.

And then never invite them again. You say you do it for your DH but he doesnt like them their either so I fail to see what the point is.

Original poster
MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 03:19

I do say please leave him be, but I need to keep saying it every few minutes and then it sounds like I have a problem. The 10yo keeps worrying to carry him, and his brother said 'haha how you dropped X's baby' Shock.
Sil then says he didn't get hurt they caught him in time, like that's ok! And knowing this they don't say anything when he keeps worrying me to carry him.

My dh won't plug the ps again, it was a disaster last time. They played non stop, and stood on the couch playing, then jumping onto the floor, jumping back on the couch and onto the floor with filthy feet too! I'm just amazed how the parents sit there saying nothing and smiling as if it 'just kids' and this is what they do. Then I think maybe it's me, maybe It is just kids?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2016 03:20

God, what a crappy situation.
I'd be saying to their parents - can you not control your children? Do you really think it's ok for them to make my baby sick? Do you really want to be paying for the stuff they trash in our house? Or perhaps do you just never want to come here again until they've learnt some self-control?

But then I am on the confrontational side and I'd offend them quicker than let this shit continue. :(

Original poster
MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 03:29

Thumb I wish I had the guts to!

OP posts:
Bobochic · 16/12/2016 03:34

No, this behavior is not "just what kids do" Shock

However, this is what DC who are not being properly occupied and managed by their parents do. Boys especially need to be taken out for a large part of the day. Obviously your baby needs to stay at home so your SIL and her DH need to entertain their DC somewhere outside your home. TBH you were heroic to agree to having a family of four to stay so soon after having a baby!

Pineappletastic · 16/12/2016 03:38

Stand up for yourselves! They are old enough to understand 'do not touch the baby'. Tell SIL if they lay one more finger on your baby or the rocker they are going to have to leave. It's their parents' job to supervise them, not yours. Fair warning, fair consequences. Letting the 10yo pick up and almost drop the baby should have been ultimatum time, I would have gone spare.

I'd get them some clean socks and switch the PS back on, unfortunately if they're going to be in the house they will need occupying somehow.

ThisThingCalledLife · 16/12/2016 03:40

Why aren't you feeling bad that sil is being rude and disrespectful towards you and undermining your authority in your own home?

Sil doesn't give a shit about you or your dc comfort - or safety- so why the hell are you feeling bad for them?

Tell sil to control her kids!
She should be the one taking them out and managing them!
A sharp "are you going to control your kids?" is what i'd be saying to sil.
If the kids question why this/that - it's cos you have RULES in your house and they are breaking them.

I'm sure if you banished the kids outside, told them to sit in timeout or actually shouted at them your sil would take notice!

Just cos your dh behaves like coward doesn't mean you have to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2016 03:41

You do have different tolerances when you have one small baby as opposed to two tweens. Not this different, mind you, but different.

You'll need a backbone in case your baby turns out to be an active one. So practice now. Set boundaries and stick to them. No shoes indoors and a set time to switch off would solve 90% of the PS problem, wouldn't it? Pick your battles and fight them. Cheery voice "it's 5pm, time to switch off" and just switch it off, no messing.

You really will need this skill in a couple of few years so look at it as training.

Original poster
MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 03:43

Bobo this is the second time they've been here since baby has been born. Added to this I have a spasm in my back which is quite sore. I went on a drip and had meds through that a few days ago as it was so painful. Dh told sil and she said 'oh hope she feels better' and they still came. Shock

I agreed to them coming because my family is coming next week for a few weeks. They are completely different, so helpful, will pitch in with the baby. Dh loves their company and is going all out with Xmas for them. I just felt bad for him that's why I said it's ok.

OP posts:
DixieWishbone · 16/12/2016 03:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2016 03:46

Bobo this is the second time they've been here since baby has been born. Shock I take everything back. Tell your DH they aren't staying again so soon. That is madness.

aintnobodygottimefodat · 16/12/2016 03:48

Ugh, sounds like an absolute nightmare.

When they ask why they can't do something, maybe reply with something like "Ask your mum, she'll tell you why you're not allowed". With mum present of course.

I dare say the PlayStation plugged in a different room might be the only thing that will get you a little peace.

DixieWishbone · 16/12/2016 03:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mylaptopismylapdog · 16/12/2016 03:59

I would ask them to leave because you are finding it too much to have the boys and your own baby when he really is still quite young and that your need rest and quiet to help you get rid of your sore back before Christmas. If they have already visited within 4 months I should this is more than reasonable the first year is very tiring.

Original poster
MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 04:09

I would really love to tell them where to go but I do it for my dh. He is so so lovely towards my family, and they do come over often, but then again they aren't at all like his family. Also he lost his DM a few years ago, and his siblings don't speak to each other except him so I just put up with it when he does ask to have them over as I feel bad for his situation.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 16/12/2016 04:23

Get them out of the house as much as possible doing physical exercise-not a drive in the car, a long walk with your DH and their parents, a trip to see Xmas lights, a run round the playground. I would just plug the playstation back in too -with conditions. If they are on it all the time, just tell them when they can have it until and turn it off. If they break the rules, it gets removed. Get your cross voice out -'OFF THE SOFA, NOW!!' not meek pleases and then giving up if they don't comply.

DistanceCall · 16/12/2016 04:55

OP, I am saying this in all kindness, I promise.

You and your husband need to grow a spine.

I understand that both of you prefer to avoid confrontation. But you can't. These children are being awful, because their parents allow them to and are bringing them up as horrid, spoilt brats.

You shouldn't have to put up with this in your own home. And you certainly shouldn't allow your baby to go through this.

Place boundaries, and be really firm about them- both as regards the children and their parents . You are not being a bitch. You are protecting your child.

AyeAmarok · 16/12/2016 04:59

You are not being a bitch. You are protecting your child.

This.

And to be honest, if SIL thinks you're a bitch, so what? She's being unreasonable here, that much is clear, so don't worry so much about what she thinks.

TheMaddHugger · 16/12/2016 05:03

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) OP. Your problem is a common one. I've read this exact post many times.

Only solution I have seen work is either you don't host them or you get yourself and baby out the house every day, away from them.
I am sorry Its not useful and pretty horrid advice :(

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