Dealing with he ILs and children

[MySantaQ1030]

My sil and her family is staying with us for a few days and I'm just miserable. They have two DS (9 and 10) and I have a baby (4months) old. The boys are so badly behaved and it's just getting to me.

They are constantly jumping on the furniture, Throwing cushions around, played with a big beach ball indoors and knocked something over, and I feel like I'm constantly telling them 'please don't do this or that' which makes it very awkward.

What's really getting to me is the way they are so rough with the baby. He has a rocker type chair that has a mobile above and the chair moves when baby moves. I have to repeatedly tell them stop rocking him, as they do it so violently he threw up then they are constantly tickling him so roughly he cries, it's exhausting keep watching them. Dh and I both tell them stop, but it's like doing it every 5 minutes which makes us feel like bad people. The 9yo keeps wanting to sit in the tiny rocker chair, and I have to keep telling him no.

Sil and her husband just sit there smiling as if the children are the cutest while doing all these things.

Dh is the least confrontational person and would work around an issue than confronting it. Last time they were here, no one could watch tv for 4days as they had the PlayStation on the entire time. So dh this time unplugged and put it away rather than saying something about it. I really can't stand the lot of them and am glad to not see them, but I do it for dh.

Please give me some tips on how to cope as i feel like the bad person here always saying 'don't do this or that' and then there's the awkward silence. Thanks.

Take your sil aside and explain to her how it's making u feel etc and to control her children or simply leave! It's your home...good luck xx

One thing, stop saying 'please'. If they want to beat the living daylights out of each other then that is their lookout but when it comes to you and yours give orders:

• dont jump on the furniture
• dont rock the baby
• dont throw the ball in the house

Give orders. Please implies they have a choice. When it comes to you and yours they dont have a choice.

You can even cut it down.

Baby
Ball
Shoes
Feet

With the right look of death

If the parents won't discipline them then I would. Including sanctions. "If I have to tell you again there will be no pudding/you'll be sent to your room/other consequence. And I would follow through without hesitation.

Hopefully the parents will either take the hint and do something or will be pissed off and leave.

I have to tell my (husband's) nephew off whenever we see BiL and SiL. He's awful (his sister is lovely) chews food, spits it on the floor, leaves taps running on full blast on purpose, shouts and fights and was rough with my youngest as a baby. I shout at him and yes it's embarrassing. YOUR house, YOUR baby, YOUR rules I'm afraid.

My nephew is like these children. His parents just sit and watch him trash my house with a smile on their faces as if he's the best thing ever. I have cultivated a range of faces and phrases in the five years I've known him (he's now 11) and have no qualms whatsoever in telling him not to bother the cat, trash my stepdaughters bedroom, take ALL the pigs in blankets and leave none for anyone else, jump on the sofa, scream at the top of his voice, and all the other lovely things he does. He now knows that his bad behaviour will not be tolerated by me. His parents glare at me when I tell him off but if they won't control him then I will.
You have to grow a backbone Op, be a broken record, keep telling them no, it's the only way they'll learn. They will eventually realise that you won't take any crap from them. My nephew is an absolute pain at home, at school, everywhere except my house, because he knows he won't get away with it here so he's actually quite nice now, almost good company.

Op maybe you need to say things like "I won't let you come again if you can't behave".
I tolerated stuff like this for ages till a really badly behaved child broke something with huge sentimental value.
I then shouted at the parents to control the child and put the child in time out. They left that day and have never stayed again.

Instead of staying no or always being the bad guy could you try throwing the 'whys' back at them?

So when they ask why the can't do something ask them why they think they can't do it.

With bad behaviour tell them you are sure their parents have taught them better than that with a small I'm SIL direction. A bit of PA may kick her up the butt!

I also find asking 'woukd you do that at school?' Helpful.

My friends kids were like this and soon learnt when I found a back bone.

But shaking your babies rocker is not on - I woukd tell them straight if they hurt him they will be playing outside.

Try and see it as good practice for when your baby is older, as you will hit a point where they won't listen to you! Like Terry says, channel your firm voice and take any pleasantries out of it. Simple, short instructions.

If they're kicking balls about inside tell them to get their shoes and coats on and kick them into the garden. If you've only got a roadside one then make a parent go out and supervise them. I picked up a great line from mumsnet recently 'the only thing that gets thrown in this house is tantrums'

They sound bored out of their minds, but that is their parent's problem of course - it shouldn't be yours and your BIL and SIL should be on top of the situation, which they clearly are not (is there a BIL)?

Taking them for a drive is no good at all btw - they need to be active not passive.

Hurting the baby (even though it is unintentional) is absolutely and totally unacceptable and needs stamping on with absolutely no more niceness - they are far too old not to understand (I have a 9 yo boy and a 6 year old boy - both do have to be told not to jump on the furniture but neither would behave as you describe with a baby, they are very aware indeed that they are fragile and treat babies with rather amusing awe and wonder from a distance of at least half a meter - the 9 yo is a brilliant toddler and older baby entertainer though :o )

I think you have to talk to SIL (and BIL if he is there) in absolutely no uncertain terms about behaviour around the baby especially, with throwing things in the house and jumping on the furniture as secondary but also non negotiable issues. If she chooses to forget how it was having a baby and think you are pfb that is her problem not yours.

Agree with the children's parents on 4 absolutely clear rules -

No touching the baby

No sitting on baby furniture

No feet on furniture

No throwing in the house

With a consequence (2 mins sitting on the stairs as they are acting like toddlers) each time to iron it out - you have to get this straight if they stay often.

SIL (And BIL?) also have to get the kids out of the house being active (not just for a drive or to shops) for at least 5 hours a day, every day, or the kids will be going out of their minds with boredom and it will be a constant battle to stop them throwing themselves about on the furniture.

Honestly I would have a "reoccurrence" of the back problem and ask them to leave and say you are sorry and you need some peace. This is DH's family and in the spirit of you sort yours and i'll sort mine he needs to lay down some rules if and when they come back. Maybe you could all meet at a rental cottage or Grandma'd house to avoid stress.

I agree they sound incredibly bored. It's no excuse for terrible behaviour and your sil should be stepping up but in the hope of sanity saving I wonder what they normally do at home to keep busy? What do they like to do?

I agree with Fairy- they sound like they have nothing to do- is your sil doingn anythtingnwith them? They need fresh air, exercise, and then books or a film or the ps when they are in the house!

What do they have to do though?
Surely their parents don't just expect them to sit there all day!
I had 3 boys and I'd have had to take a car load of things for them to do and take them out for most of the day but still keep the visit very short. They sound bored shitless.
Why arent they at school?

Blimey-don't ever invite them again! Shouldn't they be at school? When are they going home and what have you got planned for their stay?

They need to burn off a lot more energy than they are getting the chance to do. It sounds as though everyone is expecting them to sit on the sofa for 4 days and not touch anything or do anything for most of that time with nothing much else to do instead. That would be fine for a short visit but for 4 days they sound like they are climbing the walls with boredom.

They need taking out each day, somewhere that they can run about etc. And things to do at the house, games / stuff to play with or tablets if there isn't anything else. Children generally become naughty when they're either bored or desperate for attention.

GnomeDePlume - is right stop saying please.

Practise a firm no nonsense voice.

I've said no.
I've already said no once - I shouldn't have to repeat myself.
Oi! - just stop that right now.

If parents aren't to say anything then you do - do it firmly and politely but with no please and stop feeling guilty about it.

Plus glue the baby to your side - don't had over in your arms or at your feet.

Plus take the kids out or have stuff for them to do - children often behave better when they've had some exercise and they aren't bored.

Agree they should be at school. Also that it's not the OP's job to entertain them, or that she should be having chats with their parents. These people have been parents for ten years, they should know the difference between boisterous and little shit behaviour by now.

There is far too much of an expectation of people not feeling they can discipline someone else's children, when actually, that kind of behaviour wouldn't be tolerated at school or likely at friends' houses, and the parents would have no say over the consequences.

I would bring back the PS TBH with very strict rules on not standing on the furniture, standing on the furniture would result in time-out and a ban on the PS.

But I would have absolutely no qualms about shouting at someone else's children in my house.

Fuck that noise!

Grow a spine. They are hurting and upsetting your baby. It's your job to protect your child ffs. Bollocks to SIL and BIL being upset, they should be mortified at the behaviour of their children, but they aren't, they make no attempts to tell their children off so now is the time to let rip - at SIL and BIL. If they can't keep their children under control they need to leave. Stop allowing your poor baby to be hurt by them, you're being ridiculous.

Do they have anything to do?
Do you have a garden?
They definitely need to go out to the park or somewhere to have a good runaround then they need something to do at yours.
What do they like doing?
Maybe give them some arts stuff?
Watch a film.

Stuff telling the parents and expecting them to deal with it-they're obviously ineffectual. When you get up this morning call everyone around the kitchen table. Tell them you understand it's hard being in someone else's house and maybe even a little boring not having their stuff there
them your letting them know the house rules, which may be different from their house rules (id then look directly at the children for the next sentence) but that it is someone else's house and you've been very disappointed with their behaviour since they've come to visit, especially as you know they are capable of behaving better as you've seen it before and they do it everyday at school. You want to make everyone aware of the ground rules and that if they ground rules are not followed there will be repercussions for the person that breaks them (ranging from having to sit out and miss fun to having to go home/not being allowed to come anymore).

Tell them that:
1.there will be no jumping or falling all about on your furtniture. It's for bottoms, if they cannot sit in it properly then they will sit on the floor instead.

1. No running about in the house-it's an outdoor game and if they wish to do that they may go and play out-they're parents can go out with them and supervise if necessary.

1. No throwing in the house-you throw outdoors. Anything that gets token or damage you will be expecting them to pay for.

1. You do not sit on or play roughly with anything that belongs to the baby. You are x age and x age, way too old for the babies things and you will break them which your parents would have to pay for.

1. Leave the baby alone. You know they're excited about the new baby but bby needs calm and rest. You know babies are a little 'boring' for them as all they do is sleep, eat and poo but they need to do that to be healthy.

(Add a no swearing on in there if you need to as well)

You could if you so wish tell them if they behave nicely they will be able to play on the game console for an hour or two in the evening-but again the same rules will apply and if they break them by swearing or jumping on/off furniture the game console will be taken away (and do it.)

If the parents resist (which they may) you remind them it's your house so your rules and you expect them to ensure their kids follow them the same as you would for your child at their house. If they don't like it they're welcome to stay elsewhere. Say it all nicely, calmly and sympathetically to the parents but make sure you use your stern voice when addressing the children-throw in lots of 'we know you can do this' and 'we want to all enjoy our time with you visiting' and other niceness to balance it but don't overshadow the seriousness of the message you want to deliver.

You really need to make sure that they get out and expend some energy - a drive in the car with DH will not help at all - you need walks, playgrounds, swimming and skating etc

Although I am laughingly at your DH takkkg them for a drive. Do pellle do that now it's not the 70s any more?

I am at an age where I am less tolerant of bad guests, family or not. I would do everything to prevent future visits if possible. Maybe go stay near then and do day visits etc.

As a mother of rowdy boys, it can be exhausting. But there is no way I would let mine jump on my own couch never mind someone else's! !!!! I have to constantly nag and keep check of mine. Left to their own devices they would be jumping on and playing ball games 24/7. I have to make sure they aren't too boisterous. It seems your relative isn't willing too. She is either too soft or doesn't see a problem. Presumably they can behave in the classroom etc at school? So they need to control themselves in a relatives home.

You have 2 options. Distance yourself and put off future visits or come clean and tell them what they are doing is wrong. Eg spell it out. Eg I recently asked someone who brought dogs to bring a blanket as we have a new sofa and they were climbing on it. We don't have dogs and we welcome them but I felt this was fair.

Anyway remember you and DH are allowing this behaviour if you sit back and watch. You shouldn't dread guests or put up with crap. I think I would end up snapping and telling truth.