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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moral Dilemma - WWYD?

95 replies

FriedEggsandWorms · 15/12/2016 13:26

I'm not particularly close to my family - lots of back story but I feel resentful towards them for the way they've treated me . I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement!

I will graciously accept if I'm being unreasonable .

I have two sisters .

Eldest sister has a 10 year old son whom I've always purchased birthday / Christmas presents for .

I'm the middle sister and I have twins aged 5. My eldest sister has always purchased my children gifts - but it is very clear it's done out of necessity rather than want .

Youngest sister doesn't have much money and has never purchased gifts for mine - she buys for eldest sisters child though .

Eldest sister and youngest sister live close by to our parents.

I live around 3 hours away from all of them.

It was decided by my family last year that they were no longer going to purchase birthday / Christmas gifts - for adults or for children. Fair enough, however I didn't agree with the principle of not buying for children.

My children received nothing for their birthdays, not even a card . I bought my nephew a token present for around £10.

It actually transpires that my family still buy gifts for each other amongst themselves - my children are the only ones that don't get anything! From aunts or their own grandparents .

I've given my nephew his Christmas present already and I will continue to buy gifts for him .

My youngest sister has now had a baby of her own and it's coming up to her first Christmas .

I'm so torn on what to do . I'm hurt that my children are not thought of as important enough and youngest sister has always bought for her other nephew , but never mine.

However , I'd feel absolutely awful not buying a gift for the baby ! Because I know how much it hurts me

Do I:

A) not buy for the baby in the hope my youngest sister will realise how unfairly she's been treating all her nieces / nephews

B) buy for the baby and set a precedent of gift buying where I know my children will still get nothing

C) Fuck the lot of them and don't bother any more

I don't care about stuff - I'd be happy with a bag of chocolate coins for my children - it's just the principle that they are treated like an inconvenience - the same way that I'm made to feel and it saddens me greatly

WWYD?

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 14:50

Witchend WTF? You want her to inflict a passive aggressive note on a 10 year old ?!

Cguk81 · 15/12/2016 14:51

for you as that is a horrible and hurtful way to be treated by your supposedly nearest and dearest. I see what you are saying about them being all you have but surely no contact is better than negative contact. Are you spending Christmas with them? If so I would maybe take a wee present to give the baby (you can decide once there whether to give it or not), see how things go and then either have it out with them to see if they are willing to acknowledge you are hurt and change their behaviors or just gradually distance yourself from them if you don't want to have a confrontation.

SarcasmMode · 15/12/2016 14:52

I would do C.

If they ask why the change just say, "You're right - I don't think it's good to buy for the kids so will stop buying for DN and not buy for new baby at all.

They sound toxic tbh. I'd rather have good friends than a sham like them.

minipie · 15/12/2016 15:06

I would do option D

Send an email saying you've realised they are buying presents for each other but not you/your DC. Even though you've been buying presents for their DC. Ask if they can explain this.

If no genuinely good explanation is forthcoming (can't think of one myself) then option C - with bells on.

I'm saying D because I do think it's right to give people a chance to explain before any nuclear option. Just in case there has been a genuine misunderstanding somehow. And by email means OP doesn't have to be combative face to face.

Bluetrews25 · 15/12/2016 15:51

Oh fried that is horrible for you.
It would be nice to be the better person - a one off gift for new baby, then just cards for DCs from now on, BUT if there is a lot of backstory, then could understand why it might be better to just melt away.
When it comes to Christmas gifts, you might want to buy a gift for your world-family instead - I think it's Oxfam where you can buy a goat or a load of seeds or contribute towards a toilet. You would get the feel -good element and know that what you have done is appreciated by someone somewhere.

Dagnabit · 15/12/2016 16:14

I would make 2017 the year to meet a new family....meet up with friends more, make new friends, join clubs as much as children/finances allow. You do not have to put up with being treated like this - I'd rather be alone with my dcs than be treated like a second class citizen by the very people who should love and care for me and mine

BlackNo1 · 15/12/2016 16:33

(B) with a note along the lines of 'I know we are not doing presents any more but wanted you to have a little something for you First Christmas...'

^^This.
Because you're a cut above them and don't need to sink to their low levels however I would use this strictly as a one-off and tell your younger sister in a note just as the advice above suggests. It's perfect put.

If you continue to give and give, you will only bring more disappointment and hurt onto yourself because of their dickish behaviour I'm afraid.
They are not family. Family share bonds and care for each other. Family is love. Everyone else, well, they are merely relatives.
Personally I'd rather be alone then have any like them. But you're not alone...you have your family - your twins.

BlackNo1 · 15/12/2016 16:37

And start saying NO to requests to loan money.
What a bloody cheek.
Start the new year with a fresh slate.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your children

Qwertie · 15/12/2016 17:19

What incredibly hurtful behaviour from your family
I think I would still buy presents for the children, but you would not BU to not buy.

SantasJockstrap · 15/12/2016 17:53

Option C - fuck the lot of them

I was in your situation a few years ago. With a family member that couldn't give a fuck about me, or my DC.

Sung · 15/12/2016 17:55

The baby won't notice and I doubt whether then ten year old would either.

Copy their precedent and please don't think that this will affect the children in any way - it won't.

LittleBooInABox · 15/12/2016 18:25

C - make it clear why.

Original poster

FriedEggsandWorms · 15/12/2016 19:04

Thank you for all the responses . I've decided to just part ways with my family .

I'm going to send the baby a one off first Christmas gift and not make contact after that .

I've been trying to think of it from my family's point of view but I'm not sure if I'm kidding myself in to making excuses for them .

After all they don't see my twins very often - should I really expect them to send them gifts ?

I'm sad as it was their idea to "stop" the gifting but all they've done is cut me out . My sisters buy gifts for each other and each other's children.

I think my mum knows something is up (I was a bit short on the phone with my sister ).

My mum has just half heartedly called me asking what the twins want for Christmas - bearing in mind she said last year that she "doesn't have the time anymore and would rather not bother ".

I said it doesn't matter if she would prefer not to gift them anything as she said she wanted to stop - she said ok and changed the subject .

I know she won't send a gift . Am I being dickish by assuming she's only done this because she feels she has to rather than she wants to?

Is there really any point to a forced gift?

I don't know .

OP posts:

Original poster

FriedEggsandWorms · 15/12/2016 19:27

OP posts:

Dagnabit · 15/12/2016 19:46

You're not being dickish - if she really wants to buy for your dt, she would have pushed it more when you mentioned about her previously saying that she wouldn't be buying them presents anymore. She didn't. She's being dickish.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2016 19:58

"doesn't have the time anymore and would rather not bother

That would have been the end of it for me.

Those are her grandchildren

I know of others similar. I don't get it.

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 20:59

That's a really brave decision Fried, do you have any other support besides MN?

whyohwhy000 · 15/12/2016 21:02

I'm torn between B and C.

B because it's not the children's fault that the adults are arguing.
C because then maybe your family realise what they've done.

Hairyfairy01 · 15/12/2016 21:18

Option D as mentioned by a pp. what did you say when your sister asked if she could borrow money? Have you explained to them all how shit they make you feel? Some people are really thick and need it spelling out to them. Your younger sister may realise the error of her ways now she has a baby. If option D fails then option C.

maddening · 15/12/2016 21:49

I would send a letter to them in a big beautifully wrapped present to open on Xmas morning letting them know how badly they have treated you and your dc - then go nc

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