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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral Dilemma - WWYD?

95 replies

FriedEggsandWorms · 15/12/2016 13:26

I'm not particularly close to my family - lots of back story but I feel resentful towards them for the way they've treated me . I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement!

I will graciously accept if I'm being unreasonable . Wink

I have two sisters .

Eldest sister has a 10 year old son whom I've always purchased birthday / Christmas presents for .

I'm the middle sister and I have twins aged 5. My eldest sister has always purchased my children gifts - but it is very clear it's done out of necessity rather than want .

Youngest sister doesn't have much money and has never purchased gifts for mine - she buys for eldest sisters child though .

Eldest sister and youngest sister live close by to our parents.

I live around 3 hours away from all of them.

It was decided by my family last year that they were no longer going to purchase birthday / Christmas gifts - for adults or for children. Fair enough, however I didn't agree with the principle of not buying for children.

My children received nothing for their birthdays, not even a card . I bought my nephew a token present for around £10.

It actually transpires that my family still buy gifts for each other amongst themselves - my children are the only ones that don't get anything! From aunts or their own grandparents .

I've given my nephew his Christmas present already and I will continue to buy gifts for him .

My youngest sister has now had a baby of her own and it's coming up to her first Christmas .

I'm so torn on what to do . I'm hurt that my children are not thought of as important enough and youngest sister has always bought for her other nephew , but never mine.

However , I'd feel absolutely awful not buying a gift for the baby ! Because I know how much it hurts me Confused

Do I:

A) not buy for the baby in the hope my youngest sister will realise how unfairly she's been treating all her nieces / nephews

B) buy for the baby and set a precedent of gift buying where I know my children will still get nothing

C) Fuck the lot of them and don't bother any more

I don't care about stuff - I'd be happy with a bag of chocolate coins for my children - it's just the principle that they are treated like an inconvenience - the same way that I'm made to feel and it saddens me greatly Sad

WWYD?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 15/12/2016 14:06

You poor thing. I really feel for you. Very similar situation to mine. I had a thread about it last Christmas - basically my sister (golden child) who was jealous of me for a silly reason engineered it so that no one bought presents for me or my children on the pretext that "everyone was stopping". Afterwards I found out that my parents and sister's family HAD all exchanged gifts "because they saw each other on the day". I was beyond hurt and brought it up with my mother who told me I was just causing trouble. It wasn't the stuff that mattered, it was the exclusion of my children that hurt so much. So I don't have any advice but wanted to know you aren't the only one.
I feel completely surplus to requirements as far as my family are concerned. I've been very low contact this year and I doubt they have even noticed.
YABU for lending the money though!!! Can't believe the gall of her asking though ...

S1lentAllTheseYears · 15/12/2016 14:06

This year - if you really want to (B) with a note along the lines of 'I know we are not doing presents any more but wanted you to have a little something for you First Christmas...'

After that - nothing and don't feel guilty - baby won't know or care and, if it hurts your sister's feelings what planet is she on? She clearly doesn't mind if she hurts your feelings.

I would stop buying for the ten year old nephew too, just send him a nice card.

Probably projecting a bit though as I find the whole present buying thing a complete nightmare so I'd be relieved to cross them off my list (and it gets harder to know what they want as they get older!)

Pretty shitty behaviour from your family though Flowers

KnowOneNose · 15/12/2016 14:06

The baby won't care about a gift so I wouldn't bother. If you visit maybe you could take a gift that could be shared with everyone like a box of nice biscuits and some something that you can open and enjoy together.

SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 14:07

Bloody hell Fried what on earth did you do to deserve such shitty and treatment from your own family?

I hope by now you've got the message that you should stop buying anything for any of them. Do not dare feel remotely guilty about it either because they sure as hell don't feel any guilt about you.

And refuse to lend anyone any money from now on.

Christmasmice · 15/12/2016 14:07

I'd keep buying token presents for their children. Because it's not the fault their parents are dicks and I'd want to be a loving, involved aunt however I could be. How very hurtful for your own children though.

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 14:08

With these people... You don't owe them anything, you are not obligated, it's ok to walk away, it's ok to stand up for yourself and it's ok to forge a new life for yourself where they absolutely cannot bring you down.

Even if you feel you have nothing - every heartbeat is a new opportunity. Everyone has to start from somewhere.

Evilstepmum01 · 15/12/2016 14:08

Oh, and I dont get anything for niece and nephews anymore as it just causes trouble and isnt appreciated. I never missed a birthday or christmas of theirs until she decided not to accept my son.
Fuck that.

chibsortig · 15/12/2016 14:09

Do C.
Mine are the missed out children both from my mums side of the family and my dads. I must really be the blacksheep.

S1lentAllTheseYears · 15/12/2016 14:09

Blimey I just did a massive cross post and have only just read the bit about the money Shock

Yoksha · 15/12/2016 14:11

Thirty odd yrs ago, I was you. My mum treated all other Dgc different from mine. Even my siblings joined in & went with it thinking it was ok? Never questioned!!! I'd hear them at times all discussing who gave what to whom & when, I was gutted, but learned to live with it. Fast forward to now. I don't give 2 flying fucks about them all. They leave me cold. They're still oblivious to their behaviour. My kids & grand children don't care about them. I haven't forced this. Their decision. Our parents are dead now. So the swamp is diminishing, & they still behave the same.

You're worth more than them. Fuck them all. Don't say it to them, but just let the phrase roll around your brain when you interact with them, or not as you chose. They hardly acknowledged my Dgc, but all went apeshit with each other's children. Now my youngest sibling's daughter has had a grandchild. They're all cock-a-hoop over presenting monetary gifts & letting me know about it.

This has registered with me. Sorry if I'm ott in my attitude.

littlemissangrypants · 15/12/2016 14:14

You sound like a lovely and caring person. You probably wont get that money back from your sister. Maybe consider that the babies gift.
Walking away from family is hard even if they treat you badly. You need to work out if being treated badly is worth it for the illusion of family and support.
I walked away from my family. It was hard and I still feel terrible and guilty about it. I don't think I will ever not miss what I wish I had had with them.
I have built my own family who really support me. I know that when the shit hits the fan they will be there just as I am there for them. They always have my back.
The illusion of my birth family loving me is nowhere near as good as the actual love and support I get from my real family.

Jaxhog · 15/12/2016 14:21

This year - if you really want to (B) with a note along the lines of 'I know we are not doing presents any more but wanted you to have a little something for you First Christmas...'

this

Then just do Christmas cards, and kids birthday cards. That keeps contact to a minimum, while staying on the moral high ground. Who knows, the kids may turn out to be nice and want contact with Auntie in the future.

Lissettethehallswithholly · 15/12/2016 14:21

Yes, I feel guilt too Missangrypants and would love a close family with lots of happy memories. But that wasn't what I had.

"I don't think I will ever not miss what I wish I had had with them."

derxa · 15/12/2016 14:23

Flowers to all of you in this really horrible situation. And it is horrible.

diddl · 15/12/2016 14:25

CCCCCCCCCC!

Are you being punished for moving away?

Dis I sat C?

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/12/2016 14:25

his year - if you really want to (B) with a note along the lines of 'I know we are not doing presents any more but wanted you to have a little something for you First Christmas...'

Yes, definitely do this. Then never buy anyone anything ever again.

Having no family is better than having this family Thanks

idontlikealdi · 15/12/2016 14:29

Oh gosh. I think no family would be better than this SadWineCake

danTDM · 15/12/2016 14:30

I think it is because they know/think you need them and are on your own(you don't) so treat you like shit. Mine does the same, I was totally bullied.

I also think because you moved away They're all stuck together, gossiping.

urrgg, I'm NC now and don't care if I never see them again. What Arf says is so true.

CCCCCCC

PollytheDolly · 15/12/2016 14:31

Disgusting!

Treat people as you want to be treated yourself. You are but they are not.

Distance yourself from the hurt...

Crunchymum · 15/12/2016 14:34

To be fair your family did give you the option to stop sending gifts, which you decided to ignore?

It's shitty they are all doing gifts behind your back but technically they have given you are 'get out clause' which I'd start to use.

Did you send a gift for sisters new baby? Does anyone send you anything on your birthday?

Crunchymum · 15/12/2016 14:37

I am not excusing you family's awful behaviour by the way. Just saying this situation is not quite as bad as them asking for / expecting a gift and then ignoring you and your kids?

Although of course in same ways it's worse as they have basically cut you out.

Witchend · 15/12/2016 14:38

For a start of I hope you replied to younger sister: "Are you buying presents, I was told that no one was buying present this year and although I felt bad about not buying for nephew, so I got him a little something no one bought anything for my dc."

Secondly if you have a okay relationship with your nephew I would tell him what's happening. I'd write it in a card. Very passive aggressive.
Dear Nephew,
I apologise if you were expecting a present, but I was told last year that your parents (and granny and younger sister etc) had decided that no one was giving presents for birthday or Christmas.
I would have continued to buy for you but didn't want to embarrass (older sister) into feeling she then also had to buy for my twins as many people feel they have to reciprocate presents.
Just to let you know that I am as proud of you as ever and always look forward to seeing you.
Lot of love
Aunty...

Very passive aggressive in a lot of ways, but if you've always given presents and suddenly don't I can see a lot of 10yos thinking they've done something wrong, so letting him know he hasn't is reasonable.
My uncle put a note in my 18th card to say that he wasn't giving presents once we'd turned 18yo, and I was grateful that he let me know rather than thinking he'd forgotten.

notfromstepford · 15/12/2016 14:41

I'd go with C - if they are all you have, you're still better off without them.

I've been in a similar situation and gone with C. It's very liberating and I feel much better for it.

diddl · 15/12/2016 14:45

Did you give a gift/card when baby was born?

If so, surely that's enough, especially if taht sister has never bought birthday or Christmas gifts for your kids?

And to take money from you to buy for your other sister's kid/s.

That really is shit.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2016 14:48

Reading your subsequent posts, C, sod the lot of them. And asking money from you to buy nephew present, hope you told her to do one. How rude, hope you asked her where your kids presents are?