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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral Dilemma - WWYD?

95 replies

FriedEggsandWorms · 15/12/2016 13:26

I'm not particularly close to my family - lots of back story but I feel resentful towards them for the way they've treated me . I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement!

I will graciously accept if I'm being unreasonable . Wink

I have two sisters .

Eldest sister has a 10 year old son whom I've always purchased birthday / Christmas presents for .

I'm the middle sister and I have twins aged 5. My eldest sister has always purchased my children gifts - but it is very clear it's done out of necessity rather than want .

Youngest sister doesn't have much money and has never purchased gifts for mine - she buys for eldest sisters child though .

Eldest sister and youngest sister live close by to our parents.

I live around 3 hours away from all of them.

It was decided by my family last year that they were no longer going to purchase birthday / Christmas gifts - for adults or for children. Fair enough, however I didn't agree with the principle of not buying for children.

My children received nothing for their birthdays, not even a card . I bought my nephew a token present for around £10.

It actually transpires that my family still buy gifts for each other amongst themselves - my children are the only ones that don't get anything! From aunts or their own grandparents .

I've given my nephew his Christmas present already and I will continue to buy gifts for him .

My youngest sister has now had a baby of her own and it's coming up to her first Christmas .

I'm so torn on what to do . I'm hurt that my children are not thought of as important enough and youngest sister has always bought for her other nephew , but never mine.

However , I'd feel absolutely awful not buying a gift for the baby ! Because I know how much it hurts me Confused

Do I:

A) not buy for the baby in the hope my youngest sister will realise how unfairly she's been treating all her nieces / nephews

B) buy for the baby and set a precedent of gift buying where I know my children will still get nothing

C) Fuck the lot of them and don't bother any more

I don't care about stuff - I'd be happy with a bag of chocolate coins for my children - it's just the principle that they are treated like an inconvenience - the same way that I'm made to feel and it saddens me greatly Sad

WWYD?

OP posts:
FinnegansCake · 15/12/2016 13:47

Option C, definitely. The niece and nephew are unlikely to notice anyway. Don't give it another thought, they don't consider your DC.

Arfarfanarf · 15/12/2016 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neveradullmoment99 · 15/12/2016 13:48

C. Cut them off. Don't let them see your children. They don't deserve too. Its not about the gifts really, sound like they have treated you like shit for years. They really should not be in your life.

hungryhippo90 · 15/12/2016 13:49

Oh gosh OP. I put up with my families awful behaviour (much the same) because they were all I had.

Once I realised that I didn't even really have them, and that I needed to let go of the relationship I had with them, I started to move on with my life.

My confidence has now improved, and honestly, you shouldn't be settling for people who treat you and your kids this way to be in your life whatsoever!

Please see you are worth far more than being treated like this!

Rafflesway · 15/12/2016 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieDoughKid · 15/12/2016 13:51

Friedeggs you take too much store by the label family. You can either talk to them about it and try to reach a compromise with full knowledge you may gain nothing out of this. Or detach and move on to other friendships that really do value you and your children. I would really take a step back and think fuck it. If it was me, I would totally voice my unhappiness and reasons. And if they choose not to step up to the plate well then it's made your decision for you and a lot easier.

I say to all my siblings every year I expect no presents for my children but if they want to contribute then it's up to them. And they give because they want to. Not because it's expected of them.

Stop giving. Only give what you don't expect back.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2016 13:51

Just buy the baby a gift and that's it. They obviously don't bother with you, and I do t blame you, it hurts.

loobyloo1234 · 15/12/2016 13:53

C also sorry OP. I love buying my nieces & nephews presents. How sad for your DC Sad Like you say, chocolate coins would suffice

Spend what you would have spent on them on yourself and your own family for Xmas

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 15/12/2016 13:54

It is exactly reasons like this that I don't like Christmas.

OP do what makes you happy and what YOU think is right.

My opinion on giving gifts is that I do it to make another person happy, (and selfishly I get some good out of it because I feel happy that they are happy)

What you need to ask yourself is do I want to make my nephews and nieces happy - not parents, grandparents or any other fecker.

That's what the giving of presents is about, not about who bought who what, but the is me giving x a present going to make x happy? - bugger what other people think/do or do not do.

Will before all the simplistic but they have frozen her out/are ignoring her etc.....we are talking about giving presents to kids - do you care enough about the kids to try and make them happier or are you giving presents because of what others will think of you?

Re sisters etc not giving presents to your kids, why should this have any bearing on whether you want to make the children you give gifts to happy or not?

Rafflesway · 15/12/2016 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thetruthfairy · 15/12/2016 13:55

Gosh op, I am welling up on your behalf. How awful of them.
I would go NC after telling them how utterly hurtful they are being xxx

mydietstartsmonday · 15/12/2016 13:55

Just buy the baby a gift. No need to go NC just keep your distance and try not to get worked up over the injustice. Give your children the love & build the family you want with the principal's you want to install in them.

WhatHaveIFound · 15/12/2016 13:56

I'd do C. If talking to them about it is not an option, then i'd gradually withdraw and go NC.

I always buy for my niece/nephew and make sure that they get their presents in time for Christmas and their birthdays as they live miles away from us.

My DSis on the other hand will normally buy mine one present each (December birthdays) and has managed to miss DD's birthday completely this year. She couldn't even be bothered to send her an email wishing her a happy birthday.

Original poster
FriedEggsandWorms · 15/12/2016 13:56

I've been considering giving up for a long time and I think I'm at that point now .

I don't know what has brought it all on - I think it was the asking to lend money and it just being so obvious there's not a single thought for my twins .

I did lend her the money Blush

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 15/12/2016 13:56

C

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 13:58

Oh gosh - that's truly heartbreaking. Do you access any support for improving your self-esteem / dealing with your past OP?

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2016 13:59

No, I think asking "Will the fact that I bother and they don't make me feel worse about myself or angrier on behalf on my kids?" is fine also. Personally I'd choose C - being a martyr is bad for your self esteem.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/12/2016 13:59

I'd buy an outfit for the baby and then not buy for anyone. It's not the not buying that is the issue, plenty of people ask to stop that, it's the sneaking around behind your back and lying.

CupofTeaTime · 15/12/2016 13:59

Option C definitely!

Lissettethehallswithholly · 15/12/2016 14:00

Friedeggs it's awful to be treated like that. But families can be full of destructive behaviour - heaven knows why as it should be, in theory, a place of support. I found a new sense of self when I began to detach emotionally from my family and their antics. Instead of being put upon and endlessly fretting over the latest drama, I just stopped putting their views of me at the forefront of my mind. It's liberating. Build links with friends and community. I found ultimately that my family were so destructive that they were not much support in a crisis anyway.

Evilstepmum01 · 15/12/2016 14:03

Ah Fried I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My twin did the same by ignoring my DS's birthday. I think that was what pushed me into going NC with two of my sisters. They've treated me like shit, the joke of the family, the black sheep for years and I let them.
When they did the same to my lovely wee boy, NO. Nobody treats him like that. He deserves better. So do your twins.
Its scary knowing you'll be alone, but you have your kids!
Have you a DP or one good friend you can talk to? Thats all you need.

Flowers
foolonthehill · 15/12/2016 14:03

Do C

because........buying the presents won't count for anything...

I know this because I bought for my neices for decades despite being shut out by their father...then got shut out by the girls themselves because they couldn't dissociate what they were told by parent from what actually went on.

foolonthehill · 15/12/2016 14:04

Then find some nice people to spend your time and money with/on

BdumBdummer · 15/12/2016 14:05

I was an ignored niece (not by all uncles/aunts but by majority) because my parents were in a mixed marriage and there was a lot of family disapproval. In my 50s now. The aunt on one side and uncle on the other who kept in contact, I love dearly and always will. I occasionally see my cousins from the other aunts/uncles and we try to be reasonable and friendly but it is not the same as my relationship with the cousins from the "nice" aunt and "nice " uncle.
I would send a present for the baby and keep sending cards to the other kids. They'll notice.

notgettingyounger · 15/12/2016 14:06

I have a similar situation - older and younger siblings have older and younger DC than mine. I always bought my older DN's presents right up to their 21st birthdays but just then (when my DC were still young) my DS announced a "no present" policy and my DC got nothing more. My younger DB has never given presents to my DC. I carried on giving regardless to his young children as it's not their fault their father is hopeless at presents! But I have to say I was disappointed that neither of my siblings even managed a card for my DDs' 18th and 21st birthdays a year or two back. I'm still giving but without a lot of enthusiasm. I honestly don't believe they are being nasty - they are not like that - just thoughtless, disorganised and over practical. They are otherwise exceptionally nice people. I find it sad more than anything. Giving is good for both the giver and the recipient. I wouldn't cut my family off for this though unless you absolutely know it is out of vindictiveness. I bet it's not. It is more likely to be that you are far away so they find it difficult and impractical to choose and send presents (still a bit pathetic but ho hum).

cookiedoughkid it's not about "expecting back" but more of a lament for a lack of outward show of affection through token gift-giving....like the OP said, chocolate coins or a card would do. There is a reason for the tradition of giving gifts in terms of social bonding rather than purely materialism.

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