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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to refuse to order my 18 yo food in a restaurant?

89 replies

LemonTrees16 · 15/12/2016 13:11

I've been doing it her whole life, her older sister has been asking from about 11+, so I don't really understand it. She says she feels awkward... It was her 18th yesterday and I know turning 18 doesn't mean every thing has to change, but I think it's a good time to finally say, you need to do it yourself. AIBU? When I have said this to her before, she just sits there and says "I won't have anything"

OP posts:

Serialweightwatcher · 15/12/2016 17:09

I would just do what you've always done for now - don't think it would help her for you to not do it, probably just make matters worse if she's anxious about it for whatever reason - you don't seem to be worried in other aspects of her behaviour/social relationships etc, so just do what you've always done and hopefully it will resolve itself somehow when she's out with others .... maybe it just makes her feel more comfortable

TataEs · 15/12/2016 17:09

i have huge food anxiety... i'm a confident person in many social situations, but when confronted with food the anxiety is immense.

i used to be worse. i couldn't eat in front of people, would never order when out, could only go out to certain places, wouldn't eat at friends houses etc. i will still have a panic attack if someone touches my food... i can't even start on a buffet... i hate people watching me eat.
i have obsessions with food being off, looking a certain way, i'm an emetophobe, and the the texture of food in my mouth can make me sick...

the anxiety around ordering food is;
will i like it
what if it's not what i expect
what if it's huge and i can't eat it
will other people think i'm weird for ordering that
will other people comment on my food
will other people ask to try it
am i better ordering something that someone else is having so i know it's not weird
what if i say it wrong and they laugh
what if they don't have it and i have to choose something else...

i have told a few people, some thought i was weird, others thought they could force it out of my by trying to take me to conveyer belt sushi places (my nightmare) and forcing me to get on with it.... but some were understanding, would order food for me, wouldn't watch me eat, and would never touch my food... my dad will still order for me at 30odd cos still sometimes the anxiety gets the better of me. my oh will order for me.

i think you should order for her, she sounds like i was. i am much better now. i can eat in front of friends and order food... i still cannot deal with eating from a buffet or having people touch my food tho.

EvansOvalPies · 15/12/2016 17:11

diddl - yes, it's usually something like you describe as being the trigger for the anxiety, and the fear of it possibly happening again and feeling daft in front of everyone. Glad yours has passed.

For those who don't understand anxiety, it is very difficult to explain how you feel.

LemonTrees I wish you well with your daughter and hope you can overcome her anxiety together.

Bogeyface · 15/12/2016 17:16

I cant eat from a buffet either, and eating in front of other people is really hard. I will do it, I just focus on the person I am with, or if I am alone then I read my Kindle and block out everyone else, but that is real progress for me!

Janey50 · 15/12/2016 17:21

My DD's DH used to be like this. I actually said to DD after they had been together for about 18 months,and we had been out for a few meals together,why did SHE always order his food for him in restaurants? Was he incapable of doing it himself? She said it irritated her,but apparently he had said to her that whenever HE spoke to the waiter/waitress,they never seemed to understand what he was saying. I said it was probably because he mumbled and didn't pronounce his words clearly,also he tends not to look directly at people he doesn't know when he's talking to them,which I don't think helps. Thankfully,he has got a lot better. Out of necessity more than anything I think,as DD got fed-up with it and refused to do it any more. She said he was behaving like a child.

RubyWinterstorm · 15/12/2016 17:28

can you start small, like go to Starbucks together and discuss choices/options whilst you're in the queue, and ask her to put the order in whilst you go find a table?

sleepy16 · 15/12/2016 17:39

My eldest is the same, but he won't go anywhere alone, like you dd he also won't ask for anything in ships,restaurants etc.
We have a lovely lady who from Jan will be taking him out and try and help him with self confidence.
Young persons welfare (somthing) sorry can not quite remember.
My son does have a lot of other issues and is in a unit instead of school.
We are awaiting for him to be seen for a maybe dx of asd.
The worst thing to do is not order for her, it will make matter worse and then will probably stop her from going out with you altogether.
Help her, small steps at a time.

sleepy16 · 15/12/2016 17:39

Shops*

christmasmum · 15/12/2016 17:47

Can you get her to set her own goals and targets? It might be easier for her if she buys into it as a project almost. So she might decide to order her own drink at a restaurant and if she can manage that move on to ordering a part of her meal. She could write it down as a goal to order a full meal and break it down into the smallest steps that she thinks she can manage.

My other advice is to consider her getting a job as a waitress - this massively boosted my confidence when I was younger and as she already has customer service experience it may be a way to desensitise her to the problem in a way she's more comfortable with.

hulkbuster · 15/12/2016 18:02

I work in a customer facing role but still have suffered with bad anxiety it can come out in many different ways, if this is a fear of your DD's it won't get better just forcing her too. Sometimes little things people find easy others don't. If it makes her that unhappy she'll just refuse to eat I probably would just do it for her. Some people say she'll have to as she gets older but I just don't put myself in situations that I find uncomfortable and I'm sure she's the same. It's a minor thing to keep her happy and not anxious, it's worth imho.

GlitterGlue · 15/12/2016 18:17

I think you do need to find a way to help her deal with it, because it will be limiting for her otherwise.

You could start by looking at the menu at home and role playing it. And perhaps build up to her ordering a drink or one item. And so on.

Could she order for you? Sometimes it can be easier to ask for someone else than for yourself.

Miserylovescompany2 · 15/12/2016 19:06

Can I ask OP, is she able to have food at home without anyone else present? I know you said that she waits until she gets home.

Benedikte2 · 15/12/2016 21:10

Most restaurants have their menus online nowadays. Download the menu before you go out so that your DD can choose what she would like before you leave home. Give her positive feedback about her choices, discuss pronunciation of dishes she is unfamiliar with.
This may ease some of her anxieties as a first step to ordering for herself.
Good luck

BiddyPop · 16/12/2016 22:48

Can you take her somewhere quietish and friendly, JUST her not DD2, and help her calmly overcome it.

Maybe talk together about mains and you can order those , but let her know that she will order dessert for you both. When she's more relaxed there too and has had the waiter/waitress coming over a few times so not bounced into it straight up.

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