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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to refuse to order my 18 yo food in a restaurant?

89 replies

LemonTrees16 · 15/12/2016 13:11

I've been doing it her whole life, her older sister has been asking from about 11+, so I don't really understand it. She says she feels awkward... It was her 18th yesterday and I know turning 18 doesn't mean every thing has to change, but I think it's a good time to finally say, you need to do it yourself. AIBU? When I have said this to her before, she just sits there and says "I won't have anything"

OP posts:
user1481754448 · 15/12/2016 13:26

I'm an extremely social, out going person but when I'm with my parents I want them to do everything like that. It's like I regress. I certainly wouldn't worry about it

Original poster
LemonTrees16 · 15/12/2016 13:26

No other issues around food, she is a great eater, etc. enjoys lots of different foods, but only around family.

OP posts:
Sparlklesilverglitter · 15/12/2016 13:27

If she really stuggles to order in restaurants for whatever reason be it fear of getting it wrong, talking to a stranger etc. Her own Mum sitting in the restaurant refusing to order for her isn't going to help her anixety either, if she feels she can't do it that feeling is real to her and all your doing is make her panic.

For me I am fine at work. But I hate going in to cafes/coffee shops alone, at 39 I can force myself to do it put I don't like doing it.

Satisfactorylemon · 15/12/2016 13:27

Tough love doesn't help anxiety or mental illness.
I agree on observing if certain atmospheres or environments stress her out more than others. I bet thats not the only time she feels anxious...

I'd suggest ordering for her and helping her get therapy for her anxiety. If you can't afford it try buying her a self help book on social anxiety.

Arfarfanarf · 15/12/2016 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

viques · 15/12/2016 13:28

This is clearly an issue that has built up to something huge in her head. I think you need to be a bit more sympathetic and try to help her over something which will eventually be very limiting for her socially, and even professionally.

Why don't you find a time when it is just you and her in the house and suggest you try some role play activities. Show her to a table, hand her a menu (take away leaflet will do) .then go through the sort of things that are likely to come up. Can I bring you a drink before you order. Just tap water please, or A diet coke please etc Talk through standard questions/ responses. Talk about the sort of things she likes to eat,can she ask for them. Keep it simple at first. I'll have the soup please. A margharita pizza please. Teach her to look someone in the eye(or the nose if eye contact is hard) and to smile. Remember to teach asking for the bill!

Footinmouthasusual · 15/12/2016 13:28

She's need counselling op. My dd has PTSD and good counselling is helping her massively.

Don't just 'make' her or ignore her anxieties as that's cruel.

People posting that their 4 year old can order food! well so fucking what? Hardly helpful.

DIYandEatCake · 15/12/2016 13:31

Part of the awkwardness might be knowing you're watching her and it's become a 'thing' now when you all go out together. I'd stop mentioning it, order for her and try to let it go for the moment. The not eating at college is a bit worrying though - could she not take a packed lunch?

Finola1step · 15/12/2016 13:31

My dsis has always been like this. Even as teens, if we were out together, I would have to order her food and drink. Even though I am 4 years younger.

But for my dsis, it is part of a much bigger problem. Partly social anxiety but mostly a fear of stepping out of her comfort zone and doing something that she feels awkward about.

It was never challenged in the family. Mum and Dad pandered to it, IMO. This has resulted in her never becoming fully independent as an adult. She still lives at home with mum, in her 40s and is still quite reliant on our Mum. So part of a much bigger picture.

So Lemon I think you are right to question your dd's behaviour and help her get to the root of the problem.

Original poster
LemonTrees16 · 15/12/2016 13:33

She does take a packed lunch, well, used to before she decided she would wait and eat it when she gets home, she didn't like eating around them.

OP posts:
MrsMattBomer · 15/12/2016 13:35

I'm not a shy person but when I worked as a waitress it always easier if one person ordered for the whole table. It meant you could focus on one voice to understand - not different volume levels, accents, people dithering over the menu etc. That's why DP orders for the whole table if we're in a restaurant.

It sounds like your daughter is shy though.

BitchQueen90 · 15/12/2016 13:40

So she doesn't like eating around people.

I had this issue when I was a child, I was quite a picky eater and had a small appetite and I would get worked up thinking I wouldn't be able to eat the whole portion and people would point it out and make fun of me. Which in turn used to make me feel physically sick and then I COULDN'T eat the food. It was only around strangers, I was fine with family. I have grown out of it as an adult though.

You need to talk to her and find out what exactly the issue is.

SootSprite · 15/12/2016 13:40

She obviously has anxiety about this so yes, yabu to suddenly stop doing it. My dd has social anxiety and it's all about taking little steps to break the cycle of fear. Perhaps start by you ordering but getting her to say whether she wants chips or potatoes, for example, or asking her to go and ask for some more cutlery. Then when she's managed this a few times tell her that you will order lunch but she has to order the drinks or pudding. It's all about small steps and gradually increasing what she has to do. It is hard and takes time and patience. Trying to do too much too fast will push her further into herself and make things more difficult.

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 15/12/2016 13:45

My daughter (16) is severely Dyslexic. It affects her short term memory, her ability to remember, then carry out instruction, her ability to read something then describe it. She isn't good at relaying messages for instance or reading a book then telling you about it. This, in turn affects her confidence so she always tells me what she'd like and I order it. We are gently encouraging her but will always be there to support her until she's able to do it herself. If you've always done it for yours why suddenly stop? Give her the tools and the encouragement to do it for herself.

amispartacus · 15/12/2016 13:48

If you ordered food for her in a restaurant, does she eat it? Have you noticed anything 'unusual' about what she orders? Do you think she's comfortable eating in a restaurant.

Meeep · 15/12/2016 13:50

I think a teenage girl with any sort of food related anxiety is NOT going to be helped if you try to force her to suddenly not have the anxiety by withdrawing your help.
It sounds like a dreadful plan.

ollieplimsoles · 15/12/2016 13:52

This was me when I was her age, anything to do with food just kind of made me feel like an idiot so I would never order food in front of anyone, and I never ate in front of friends.

Dif you honestly let her sit her on her 18yh birthday with no food on front of her? Thats reply harsh op.

DidIMissSomething · 15/12/2016 13:52

OP when I was her age I couldn't have ordered for myself and didn't eat alone in public. I also had an eating disorder. My weight was just under what is healthy so no-one would've known to look at me but I was bulimic. I couldn't ask for food or eat alone in public because I was ashamed and thought I would be judged as fat and greedy. Like your daughter I could eat if someone ordered for me. Of course I'm not saying that's necessarily what's going on here but please do be vigilant and tread gently if you do talk about it. Flowers

throwingpebbles · 15/12/2016 13:55

I had an eating disorder and then this was followed by many years where I struggled to eat at all in public etc. Not saying she necessarily has an eating disorder but I guess this anxiety around food sits somewhere on the same spectrum.

Why not try baby steps? Encourage her to order her drink but not the meal at first?!

RNBrie · 15/12/2016 13:58

I used to get my sister to make phone calls for me and she'd sometimes do my ordering too when we were out. I just could not get my head around what to say.

Eventually she sat me down and said it couldn't continue. So when I asked her to do it again, she would practice with me and then sit with me whilst I did it. It was really hard but I'm glad in the long run that she made me do it myself.

I've had social anxiety my whole life and it took another 10 years or so before I was remotely comfortable making phone calls but I'm glad she made me take the first step.

KnowOneNose · 15/12/2016 14:01

I'd just order for her. It's obviously a bit of a thing for her for whatever reason but it sounds like she manages well in the rest of her life.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

My DH has a job where he has to talk to all sorts of people but he does anything to get out of talking on the phone.

gentlydoesit89 · 15/12/2016 14:02

I and 27, work daily in a face to face, often one on one environment with strangers yet I can't order drinks in a bar, have to ask my boyfriend to order my food in restaurants, and heaven forbid if I need to change something (for example leaving sauce out of a burger)... I sit there embarrassed and cringing while he does it on my behalf.

There is definitely something deeper here, poor girl, and gentle baby steps are the way forward not flat out refusing. I practice at home, if I can look at the menu before we go out and say it over and over so I know I'm not going to mess it up, and knowing there's a back up if I can't do it helps immensely. It sounds silly but praise for actually doing it helps too- I asked for mayonnaise the other day (I know that's pathetic) and my OH was so proud.

Support her Smile

daisypond · 15/12/2016 14:02

Is it that she's fearful of being judged about what she chooses to eat? She might be able to work on the till in a supermarket, etc, but she doesn't have to reveal any real "her" to anyone when she does that. One of my DC is a bit like this - doesn't want to speak to the waiter. It's the same while out shopping for clothes - won't ask if they've got an item in the colour she wants and wants me or someone else to do it for her. In my DD's case I think it's because she doesn't want to be judged - even if no-one is judging her, which they won't be. Over the years she's gradually got better - I've forced her over the years to ask the assistant or waiter, but she still goes bright red.

stayathomegardener · 15/12/2016 14:07

DD is 17 and dyslexic, she struggles with the same issues as Fourkidsnot crazyyet's DD.
So when eating out I structure for her, for example. "I will start with the Salmon. What are you having DD? Who can then fill in the gap. Beef for my main. DD?
Manageable baby steps.
DD can manage now on her own or with friends but you know as a family I like her to feel as relaxed as possible and if that means supporting her unilateral she is 100% confident so be it.
Please don't just stop supporting your DD she is not doing it to annoy you.

WankersHacksandThieves · 15/12/2016 14:09

DS1 is 16, is shy and has social anxiety, he can order his own meal now but used to struggle. We started off just getting him to order his drink as that was simpler. Maybe that would be a place to start?

We then moved to him ordering if it was straightforward but I'd add in any complex details if required. He's also a fussy eater.

So it would go, DS1 "I'd like x pizza please" and then I'd smile and say "Oh and can you do that without onions?" and I'd nod over to DS1 who would look at waiting staff and just smile and nod.

He can now ask for his pizza without onions himself.

I know it sounds as if it should be simple, but to them it's a big deal and they feel uncomfortable, awkward and on the spot. DS2 has been ordering his own meals with added refinements since he could talk - you never get two the same:)