WIBU to refuse to order my 18 yo food in a restaurant?

[LemonTrees16]

I've been doing it her whole life, her older sister has been asking from about 11+, so I don't really understand it. She says she feels awkward... It was her 18th yesterday and I know turning 18 doesn't mean every thing has to change, but I think it's a good time to finally say, you need to do it yourself. AIBU? When I have said this to her before, she just sits there and says "I won't have anything"

Random thought if its not an eating disorder, but are her teeth ok? i.e. no braces needed etc?

Only asking as I had this at school, I suffered from social anxiety anyway, but I also needed a brace and the 2 eventually got put together and I refused to speak to strangers, ordering food etc or even eat in public. I just couldnt eat a packed lunch in front of people and would often sit there starving rather than show my teeth and eat in front of people.

Its caused me no end of problems as I often now resort back to eating alone when faced with a strange new place - My first week of a new job I ate lunch alone in my car. I am getting a lot better and forcing myself to do it, but i'm double your daughters age and I'd hate for her to suffer as long as I have with it.

Think the first step would be to sit her down alone and talk to her about it, not make fun, not tell her she has to do it and put her under pressure, just calmly ask her what she thinks the problem is and work out a plan from that.

My children were confidently ordering from a (children's) menu at the age of 4 years.

It takes practise and confidence.

Get her to tell you her order, as though you are waiting staff. Is it pronunciation she struggles with?

It sounds like it's become a bigger issue than it should have.

I don't know if this is helpful, but fear of eating in public is officially a form of social anxiety, so if you'd like to support her in getting better I would suggest looking at resources linked to that.

"Social anxieties may also be classified according to the broadness of triggering social situations. For example, fear of eating in public has a very narrow situational scope (eating in public)"

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety

It's lovely to hear about all the amazing kids who happily ordered for themselves but it's not helpful for the OP.

It might be the being put on the spot in front of others?

Even if it's family.

The feeling that all eyes are boring into you & it's suddenly just not doable.

Mouth has gone dry, you've completely forgotten what you want...

I'm in my 50s & I still feel on edge & that my heart is racing for that small amount of time that I'm ordering.

Ridiculous, but there it is!

Has she ever been overweight op?

I'd be concerned about her overall issue with eating in public. She does sound as if she has very heightened anxiety around food, especially when it's in a social setting. By not ordering in a restaurant you are actually adding to the anxiety that she already has. She obviously feels comfortable enough to eat in the restaurant with her family present. Personally, I would be proud of her for that. She's obviously struggling.

Has there ever been an occasion around food when she was younger that made her either feel ill or physically vomit? Because that in itself could cause an irrational fear of eating around people other than her family?

Cognative therapy might be worth perusing?

Baby steps - make her say "coke please" at a table or order a coffee at a counter or whatever at first, then get her to order a dessert next time. Then the main course. She needs to get past this and she'll be glad when she has.

Going along with her avoidance of doing this will maintain her anxiety and make this a bigger problem over time. However, it will take some time and support to address this. If she has social anxiety linked to food situations, she can overcome this using graded exposure - starting small and building, rather than straight in at the deep end. So for instance you could work out with her a hierarchy of situations relating to ordering food, starting with the easiest and working up as she builds up confidence, using positive reinforcement along the way - e.g. ordering a coffee & cake in a coffee shop, then a burger at mcdonalds, then a sandwich in a cafe, then working up to ordering food in a restaurant starting with somewhere very familiar.

However, from what you say, she has wider issues with food in general, with the avoiding eating at school etc. I wonder if she fears judgement from others around eating or the food choices she might make. Do you eat breakfast/dinner at home together as a family? What is her weight like?

T he fact that you do order for her implies that she can eat in public on the occasions you eat in restaurants? That's a good place to start.

If she sees this is a problem maybe she wants to get better as she's an age where independence becomes very important. Perhaps agree a strategy which is agreed by you both?

So:

1. You might say, 'do you fancy the salmon, dd' and she says, 'yes please'.
2. you go to a coffee shop and she orders coffee and cake/ wrapped biscuit.
3. you take her to situations where you eat together in public, maybe a packed lunch or bought sandwich on a bench in town.

And so on. Quite slowly. You know what she can and can't do so build on the can dos first. And ask a professional or look up online, I'm making it up .

It sounds like she probably has anxiety around ordering in particular. You can't make her order if she's not ready to face that fear yet. She needs to choose to do it and maybe work her way up to it. Try different therapies for it and commit to getting over that fear and dealing with her anxiety if she wants to and it's negatively effecting her life. Does she want to go out to restaurants with people? Would she like to be able to go out to restaurants with friends? Would she like to be able to order for herself? Is it the same around friends as it is around you/family? You need to talk to her and help her address the problem. Refusing to order for her won't help if it means she will just not order and not eat anything if her anxiety is still that bad. But not ordering for her as part of her treatment for her anxiety can help if she's ready to try to order for herself and wants to put in the work to get over her fear. It's easier said than done but is very doable if anxiety is indeed the issue. You just need to support her through it.

I have similar issues and tbh people saying "oh you should just get on with it" is not helpful! I have left restaurants before now because of it.

Its the pressure of the situation that gets to me, you have to choose what you want (which in itself is a nightmare because I have issues with certain food textures) within a reasonable time frame, you get your companions looking at you expectantly if you dont just pick something straight away, the servers is waiting for you to decide and speak and....even the thought of it is making me feel horrible.

It is a quirk of hers, and she will get over it, or not, in her own time. Your "tough love" really will not help, it will just make occasions far more awkward than they need to be.

Just order for her. Stop making it a bigger issue than it already is. She already feels stupid, I can guarantee that, so stop making her feel worse and just help her FFS!

Incidentally, I can order for myself if I am on my own because the pressure of other people waiting for me is taken away so I can think more clearly and make my choice much quicker.

Please, please don't tell her she has to do it herself because she is a grownup now.
I have awful social anxiety and my mother telling me this often set off panic attacks and made me feel like a failure as a person because I can't make appointments or complete "simple tasks" like ordering. Try to find her help through counselling. Throwing her in at the deep end will not help.

"Its the pressure of the situation that gets to me, you have to choose what you want "

Yes, absolutely.

I have no allergies & would say there's little that I don't eat, but I often find that there's not much that I really fancy.

Or there's too much to choose from.

I often look online to choose before I get there.

It's funny how different situations affect people.

Me: always been painfully shy. My job involves speaking to groups of people. Fine and very confident because I know what I'm talking about. Happy to order food but would be far too shy to complain about anything.

DH: always been a confident sort. Manager of a large store. But always gets me to order - even if we're only in Costa! - because he gets all self conscious and flustered 😄

Yes I see what you mean bogey I guess that was why it was easier to start with just ordering a drink for DS1? 90% of the time he would want a coke unless he saw something else he really fancied so it became quite easy for him to just say "coke please" when asked what he'd like.

And then for food I'd make some suggestions to him of things I thought he might like and he'd choose from those rather than him looking and trying to pick when there were invariably ingredients he didn't like. So I'd say to him "well they have gammon steak with chips, egg, tomato and peas" you could order that without the tomato and peas, or they have bbq ribs with wedges and salad, you could have that without the salad" He'd choose and order the gammon or ribs and i'd chip in to ask then to remove the offending items :)

OP as frustrating as it is, it's not something that will be solved overnight and forcing the issue wont help either.

My DD always used to be fine with ordering in a restaurant/cafe as a child, but it was when adolescence hit that the self-consciousness took hold and it became difficult for her.

Perhaps start off with something small like ordering a takeaway over the phone and then build up to face to face if that would help?

I try to look online now too! I am best in a place that does pub grub type stuff because I too know that I can eat a gammon steak :o

If its somewhere unfamiliar or a bit fancy then I can get really flustered and the longer I take the more flustered I get so I have been known to have nothing or leave a meal. And its horrible, it really is. No one who has never experienced it will understand just how awful you feel. I feel stupid and upset and cry.

One thing I have found as a workaround is to order the simplest soup they have as a main course and say I am not particularly hungry, I am usually safe with my food issues that way. But it doesnt always work, and someone saying "Oh FFS just order what you want!" makes it ten times worse, which is why I am being rather impatient with the OP.

It isnt an issue for you, great! But it is for your DD so why wouldnt you just help her out instead of trying to prove a point?!

Perhaps start off with something small like ordering a takeaway over the phone and then build up to face to face if that would help?

But only if the DD wants to. She is happy with other people ordering for her or just avoiding the situation at the moment, the only person making an issue out of it, and potentially ruining a meal out, is the OP!

I was terribly shy when I was younger but my generation didn't eat out much so I guess I got away with it. At some point she's going to have to learn to do this by herself so I would encourage her gently to practice.

Maybe she's very self-conscious and thinks that everyone else in the cafe is listening to her and she's scared of tripping over her words (and has that over-anxiety about looking silly that many teenagers suffer). Perhaps encourage her by asking in front of the waitress, "I've forgotten, what did you say was your choice?" Continue taking her out to different places and hopefully she'll become more confident with practice.

I hate answering the door and phone my heart literally skips a few beats because my mum had SS knocking when we were young so definitely comes from that!

I get my 8 & 6 year olds to order their food, they sometimes answer the phone if I know who's calling and answer the door to friends and family so they don't pick up my "I can just hide and pretend I'm not in"

Agree with wictional - don't scold her to try to get her to snap out of it. My DD had this for a while, always wanting us to do things for her.

When you go out to eat, study the menu together, discuss the choices, encourage her to practise with you what it is she wants to order, and reassure her that if she stumbles or starts to feel awkward, you will step in. Someone else said above: Baby Steps. She will get better at it, but with gentle encouragement, not a 'For goodness sake' attitude. That will just make it worse. If you already feel nervous about something, someone telling you to just get a grip and get on with it is really not helpful (as others have said).

My Mum has huge issues with eating in public (and she loves food). She always thinks everyone is watching her, no matter how many times we reassure her that they're really not interested in what she's doing. We always used to have to choose a table in the furthest corner, and she had to sit facing the wall with her back to most of the other patrons, just so she felt less self-conscious. She is a bit more confident nowadays, and we are not always relegated to the dingy spots any longer!

It started for me oddly enough when I was at a friend's house having a takeaway, something was a bit spicier than I expected & my throat just seemed to dry over & close up.

Was coughing & coughing, could barely get water down & then every mouthful-was having to take tiny amounts & more or less swallow with a sip of water.

After that I was really conscious of eating in company or eating out-even with family. Terrified of it happening again.

Couldn't take a decent drink of water, just sips.

And as suddenly as it started, it stopped!

Managed to take a proper drink of water & never looked back.