WIBU not to make ds1 available for football - stbx screaming at me

[woundedplacerias]

Dc had been with stbx since Sunday and I was due to get them back after school/work yesterday - a long stretch because I had swapped a night at the weekend to accommodate him.

He text me at lunchtime (I'm a teacher) yesterday saying he would be taking ds1 to the football last night. It would mean ds1 staying at his an extra night. I was not happy about this and said I assumed ds1 had already been told (he has form for telling dc things are happening and then 'asking' me, giving me no real choice) and he said yes. I sent a cross, but not ranty or insulting, text asking him not to do this in future. He sent back no apology, thanks or offer of another night in the holidays, just confirmed what time he would pick him up. I didn't reply but was intending at that point for ds to go - felt I had no choice.

When I got the dc from after school club, ds1 was talking about the cubs party he had that evening and said nothing at all about football. Maybe I WBU, but I didn't mention it to him, assumed ex had lied about him knowing and took the dc out to tea to avoid being in when ex got there. Ds1 went straight to cubs from the café. I first sent a text to ex explaining ds knew nothing about it and wanted to go to cubs.

He then rang me screaming abuse (yes, it was screaming) and sent a couple of texts telling me how spiteful I am, how he'd wasted money on a ticket and how the children will hate me. This really is a new low for us and I am now worried I have made things worse for myself, though I genuinely thought ds1 hadn't been told about it and ex had been lying to force my hand. It later turned out that ds1 had been told, but had forgotten. He wasn't bothered though when he did remember as he had enjoyed cubs.

I am scared ex will get back at me by withholding the dc at some point over the holidays and I am terrified that Christmas is now ruined. He is supposed to pick them up from school on Monday and then I get them from his on Thursday, and I am so scared he will take them to his mum's (2 hours away) and turn his phone off. There is now no way we can spend Christmas day together as planned, and I feel all my plans are up in the air, despite spending so much time negotiating with him so we could all enjoy the festive season. Part of me feels he has engineered all this to ruin Christmas as he knows how much it means to me and he has always claimed to find it all ridiculous, but that is probably silly.

AIBU to hate him, or is this my own fault?

[TwoGunslingers]

I feel like you might be over identifying yourself OP

[user1471517900]

"I assume" - it was a guess on why someone would only get tickets to a game happening that day.

[user1471517900]

Which is irrelevant anyway. Where and how he got the tickets isn't important.

I do understand he's a complete twat OP - from what you've told us of him. However the issue involving your son that you told us about, shows you in the wrong. He's obviously been wrong to sleep with other people etc. and favour one child over the other. This issue he's not though.

[crashdoll]

I think people forget that there are actual human beings - with feelings - reading these responses. Poor, OP. Yes, she made an error in judgement, no she does not deserve a bad Christmas, for crying out loud. OP, I think you were a little bit BU but your ex sounds like a total dickhead. I can see why you acted the way you did, even though it probably wasn't the best way to approach it. Don't get too stressed about it and do not take everything MNers have said to heart. Merry Christmas and I hope it is a good one for you.

[bumsexatthebingo]

For what it's worth Op I think the ONLY bit of poor judgement you made was going out rather than saying no from the off or when you picked your ds up from school and it transpired he didn't really care about the football. If his dad wants to do stuff like that with him then he needs to do it when he is with him - not dangle treats at him on days he's supposed to be with you so he either makes you miss out on time with your child or look like the bad guy for saying no.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Really? So you hold the power of veto

I totally agree with the quote you highlighted.

I hold the power of veto for plans made during the time the children are meant to be with me. Just like their dad holds the power of veto during the times they are meant to be with him.

The parent with care at the time is the one who makes the decision if they are willing to alter their own arangements if the other parent wants a change.

It's called being reasonable.

[user1471517900]

I also agree she doesn't deserve a bad Xmas. Of course that's true. I'm just answering this scenario in OP, where she was undoubtedly wrong.

[bumsexatthebingo]

It kind of depends on whether the op has said firmly that she hasn't the room for all the stuff and that previously they have bought too much and it makes her feel embarrassed and awkward. Or whether she has just said 'its too much, you shouldn't have' in a friendly way which the sil has taken as gratitude. The op says she doesn't like conflict and has for years been accepting the sacks of stuff so the sil may think it's being well received. If she is sticking to a £20pp budget that's a lot of shit candles from poundland and Lego sets are cheap enough in the likes of b&m. A £5 budget might be better.

[bumsexatthebingo]

Wrong thread sorry