WIBU not to make ds1 available for football - stbx screaming at me

[woundedplacerias]

Dc had been with stbx since Sunday and I was due to get them back after school/work yesterday - a long stretch because I had swapped a night at the weekend to accommodate him.

He text me at lunchtime (I'm a teacher) yesterday saying he would be taking ds1 to the football last night. It would mean ds1 staying at his an extra night. I was not happy about this and said I assumed ds1 had already been told (he has form for telling dc things are happening and then 'asking' me, giving me no real choice) and he said yes. I sent a cross, but not ranty or insulting, text asking him not to do this in future. He sent back no apology, thanks or offer of another night in the holidays, just confirmed what time he would pick him up. I didn't reply but was intending at that point for ds to go - felt I had no choice.

When I got the dc from after school club, ds1 was talking about the cubs party he had that evening and said nothing at all about football. Maybe I WBU, but I didn't mention it to him, assumed ex had lied about him knowing and took the dc out to tea to avoid being in when ex got there. Ds1 went straight to cubs from the café. I first sent a text to ex explaining ds knew nothing about it and wanted to go to cubs.

He then rang me screaming abuse (yes, it was screaming) and sent a couple of texts telling me how spiteful I am, how he'd wasted money on a ticket and how the children will hate me. This really is a new low for us and I am now worried I have made things worse for myself, though I genuinely thought ds1 hadn't been told about it and ex had been lying to force my hand. It later turned out that ds1 had been told, but had forgotten. He wasn't bothered though when he did remember as he had enjoyed cubs.

I am scared ex will get back at me by withholding the dc at some point over the holidays and I am terrified that Christmas is now ruined. He is supposed to pick them up from school on Monday and then I get them from his on Thursday, and I am so scared he will take them to his mum's (2 hours away) and turn his phone off. There is now no way we can spend Christmas day together as planned, and I feel all my plans are up in the air, despite spending so much time negotiating with him so we could all enjoy the festive season. Part of me feels he has engineered all this to ruin Christmas as he knows how much it means to me and he has always claimed to find it all ridiculous, but that is probably silly.

AIBU to hate him, or is this my own fault?

[woundedplacerias]

Trying to communicate with someone at work, once they have already purchased the tickets without checking first there isn't another arrangement is not going to go well, the event wasn't in the father's contact time.

The op hasn't handled this in a way she probably would have done if she had been asked first if the date was free, she could have had time to check. The event wasn't that very evening, and she was working so her mind was on more than one thing.

If the op had said no at lunch time to the text, the ex had still purchased to tickets so it would have still been a waste of money and he would have been cross.

This is exactly how I feel - thank you for your understanding . I accept I have handled it badly, but it was all so rushed, due to him telling, not asking me, at the last moment. it was a spur of the moment thing when I picked the dc up and ds1 was pleased to see me and going on about the party and I made a rush decision. I should have just said no all along, and I started by saying I wasn't happy, but he sent another text telling me cubs wasn't important, they haven't been to a match for a year etc. I felt railroaded, then, when it turned out ds1 didn't even seem aware of the match, I made a snap choice.

I am shocked by those saying I deserve to have Christmas ruined as a result of this. I have accommodated him so many times over the last few years, and the one time I don't, I deserve to have Christmas ruined?

He's not some great dad just doing to do a nice thing for his kids either. Yes, ds would have enjoyed the match I'm sure, but it's always ds1 he takes to extra things and never ds2. Throughout the summer he took ds1 to numerous cricket matches, some involving overnight stays away, and ds2 never went because he's not into it. These took place in my contact time sometimes, meaning I got less time with ds1, and in his contact time sometimes, meaning I had ds2 so no child free time (I didn't really mind that at all, but there were a couple of times when I had to turn down invitations). I didn't complain and put up with it all because ds1 loves cricket and I didn't want to stand in his way. By the middle of the summer, ds 2 was commenting on the fact that he was seeing less of his dad and asking when he would get a night alone with him. I told ex that and he just shrugged, looked awkward and never arranged anything.

I'm fed up of his shit, but I accept I'm in the wrong. I just wanted to look forward to Christmas but I can't now.

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

MrsFozziwig - yes, I hold the power of veto over access arrangements because dc & I moved abroad.

I offered, & stick to, fair & generous access, & of course I consult with dc as to what they want to do.

Ex has serious form for abruptly deciding he'd like us to do something different from what's already been agreed. I don't encourage this.

When the dc have their designated access with ex I leave him to it, & certainly don't expect to have any say as to how they spend their time.

Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to co-parent with an ex partner who is able to negotiate sensibly - mine is a selfish, irresponsible, abusive arsehole.

It's just easiest to agree plans with minimal discussion & then expect both sides to stick to them.

[TwoGunslingers]

YABU to deal with a non issue like a child. You should have given DS a choice, he's old enough to make decisions, and if he was going to be out of the house anyway it's not like you'd planned a big reunion fest for his return from his extended contact. Playing games ends with a winner and a loser.

[hiccupgirl]

Tbh I'm shocked at lots of the replies on here too OP.

I think the lesson is to not be so accommodating in the future and not back down if you know the kids have already got something organised. It sounds like your ex wants it all his way and expects you to bend over backwards and then loses it the one time you don't co-operate with his changes.

I would have gone with what my DS wanted to do too.

I hope Christmas goes ok.

[user1471517900]

Nice drip feed. If it's that important he treats them the same then reject the football unless both are going. Again, most posters understand that break ups are hard and the adults probably don't like each other....but your actions of saying yes (regardless of whether you felt railroaded) then taking them out to deliberately spite your ex were frankly wrong.

The ruined Xmas has also not happened, so you can't use that as an argument either!

[woundedplacerias]

I really hate how every time some extra information is included it's decried as a drip feed. Tbh, I didn't expect such vitriol, but you have the choice of a ridiculously long OP that no one reads, or being denounced as a drip feeder.

[MrsFozziwig]

I think that him not treating them the same was probably quite key information and should have been included and one sentence could have done it. It doesn't make what you did any less wrong, but it adds to the picture if you want advice and it also makes some people feel that they look bad or that their advice wasn't appropriate in light of the new information.

Otherwise, people will assume there are no other relevant factors.

However, I still think that you were in the wrong, whether he was also wrong or not. In future, either say no in the first place or give yourself a bit of breathing space and say you'll speak to DS1 and get back to him as it's the children's choice (I do this) or say yes and then stick to it.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of other aspects of the bigger picture, on this particular occasion, even with the drip feed, you exacerbated an already difficult situation.

[DailyFail1]

He got your son surprise tickets to football and you sent him to cubs anyway. You are spiteful and probably deserved the yelling.

[Lunar1]

Try and think of it as your child's life rather than who's contact time it is. Yes he shouldn't have done it the way he did, but neither should you.

I feel so sorry for your child, he is having to manage the expectations and emotions of the people supposed to look out for him.

[Miserylovescompany2]

The treating both children differently isn't on. Yes, it's difficult to accommodate two lots of interests, but, it's not impossible. I'm with you on that one OP.

Back to initial post, NO, from the onset would have been your best course of action. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing (NOT)

Your ex was out of order for screaming at you. That doesn't deflect from you sending mix messages.

I think you both owe each other an apology. Maybe draw a line in the sand...

[TheWoodlander]

"You are spiteful and probably deserved the yelling."

No she didn't deserve to have abuse screamed at her. She was bullied into something she didn't want, on her contact time with the DC, when she'd already been accommodating in changing said contact time.

OP, I would just let the dust settle, explain (if you can) that DS wanted to go to the cubs party, and try to enjoy Xmas as best you can.

[MrsFozziwig]

Woodlander You are not wrong, but can you not see that she created this particular turn of events by agreeing to let him take DS1 and then not being there when he turned up to collect him.

[woundedplacerias]

I'm not spiteful. I didn't act out of spite. If I was spiteful I would, for example, have told the dc about ex's affair that took place for 2.5 years, and often involved sex in our bed while I was at work. I'm not spiteful though, so I haven't and won't.

I accept I made a bad decision, don't feel I deserve a lot of what's being said though. Ds doesn't have to manage our expectations at all, or not from me anyway.

[Armadillostoes]

I'm sorry that you are getting such a hard time OP. You clearly appreciate that with hindsight it wasn't the best way to respond. But your were bounced into it and made a poor snap decision. You not "deserve" a ruined Christmas. We all make mistakes and your ex sounds like a nightmare.

As for people suggesting that their son would have been upset so yours must have been, that is just absurd. They are different people! And accusations about drip feeding are equally stupid. I remember your threads about the cricket stuff and you can't put everything in an OP.

Is there any chance that you could talk to your ex about how/why it happened and ask for a fresh start for everybody's sake?

[ivykaty44]

The op made a mistake in not saying no in the first place to the football match - though that would have still been wrong in the eyes if the ex as he had already brought the tickets. Why on earth buy tickets for a football match when your dc has already got a party organised? Why not organise something like football on a night when he has contact with the dc?

The op was rushed and therefore made this mistake, it wasn't done out of spite but trying to get this bully, and he is a bully of her back. Often Billy's find there victims hide. This is what this woman did, she hid after school and then got abused by phone.

She didn't deserve the abuse for hiding from the bully. Noone deserves abuse

Thank goodness the op left the bastard.....

[hmcAsWas]

I see your point of view, but I still think - if you want to rescue the situation and avoid any vengeful tit for tat from your ex, that the best option is to apologise and plead confusion / misunderstanding

Save the discussion about not springing things on you at the last minute outside his contact time for a later date when ex is feeling more open to discussion - at the moment he feels wronged and is in no mood to listen. He does sound like a challenging personality and its annoying that you are having to pussy foot around him - but in the short term, if you want to rescue Christmas, then perhaps that is what you need to do.

[user1471517900]

If she went to pick up her child and he wasn't there as dad had taken him out somewhere..... She'd have every right to be angry at him. As he doesn't seem to be a regular match goer I assume someone at work maybe offered the tickets as they couldn't go. He then checked with the OP if this was ok and she said yes, albeit that she was annoyed it was in her time. He then assumes this is all fine, until later when he learns that she's gone out to avoid him taking the kid to football.

That would be annoying. Regardless of who and where he had sex in the past. Being a crap husband should be separate from being a crap dad. I totally get why the Op would have trouble unlinking the two, but this is how I see it. Not with any bullying, just two adults (understandably) struggling with having to stay in contact for kids sake.

I really don't think Christmas is ruined. The OP should apologise and just say no in the future if she wants.

[GeorgeTheThird]

Poor you, op. This sounds really tough. You were bounced into a bad decision here. I hope you can all move on and cooperate over Christmas. I expect you'll have to make the running, you probably always do.

[MeetMeAtMidnight]

TBH I think you are both behaving like arses. And on this occasion you had to out-arse yourself. Yes, your ex should run things by you before telling the kids and going ahead with additional activities but if you don't want the kids to go - prior arrangements, school night, whatever - you should bloody well say so. What you did though was AGREE to let your son go then deliberately sabotaged the outing. Leaving the house so you wouldn't be in when the man came to pick up is plain mean. I don't agree with anyone screaming but I honestly can't blame him for being angry and it sounds to me like you've both being doing stuff like this before. You both need to grow up.

I am sorry your kids' Christmas may be messed up because of this, not so much sorry for you though because your ex didn't engineer this - you did.

[MrsDesireeCarthorse]

...and suddenly the OP has been 'bounced' into all of this and was 'flustered' into a poor decision.

Frankly, my backside, OP. You said yes, you regretted it, you lacked the guts to say so, and so you deliberately chose to make sure it didn't happen, complete with not mentioning it to your son and going out 'to avoid being in' when your ex arrived. However crap he is, own what you did instead of jumping on the first victim excuse you get offered.

Your poor DS1 and DS2.

[woundedplacerias]

I am sorry your kids' Christmas may be messed up because of this, not so much sorry for you though because your ex didn't engineer this - you did.

And others - first time in years of using MN I feel like I've been on the receiving end of people who come onto threads for the sole purpose of being rude and downright mean just for the sake of it. I wish I hadn't posted now and feel like absolute shit after this. I admitted I probably handled it badly early on but pile on and write as if I set out to hurt my children fro the start.

Thanks to people who have been understanding.

[ivykaty44]

I'm amazed at user147 making up a story about the ops ex being given tickets by a colleague, yet nothing in the ops post suggest or insinuate that the tickets where a gift. It's not an assumption it's a fairy story

[VoodooPeople]

OP with the greatest respect, if you've been on MN for years then you know damn well how things go in AIBU.

You asked the question, you got it answered.

Nobody has the background to your life and what your stbx has or hasn't done in the past. Neither are we party to how many other times you may have done something similar to this situation.

You didn't "probably" handle it badly, you actually handled it badly.

I don't think you were trying to set out to hurt your children at all. I do think - consciously or subconsciously - you tried to hurt/annoy your stbx. That's understandable as you are obviously still hurt by his affair but it's not productive for anyone.

Not trying to kick you when you're down or 'pile in', just trying to explain why you have had a lot of negative responses.

[Allthewaves]

Have your tried an apology with ex?

Yes he railroaded you into agreeing to football BUT from his point of view you actions look like you were being sneaky and manipulative - even though you weren't, it was a mistake.

For the sake of peace. If apologise, tell him you were in the wrong and smooth it over. You still have to Co parent for many years

[woundedplacerias]

I'm amazed at user147 making up a story about the ops ex being given tickets by a colleague, yet nothing in the ops post suggest or insinuate that the tickets where a gift. It's not an assumption it's a fairy story

Yup - a bloody massive fairy story if it features stbx actually having a job. I get debt collection letters to the house regularly yet he spends money on spur of the moment football matches.