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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU not to make ds1 available for football - stbx screaming at me

84 replies

woundedplacerias · 15/12/2016 06:07

Dc had been with stbx since Sunday and I was due to get them back after school/work yesterday - a long stretch because I had swapped a night at the weekend to accommodate him.

He text me at lunchtime (I'm a teacher) yesterday saying he would be taking ds1 to the football last night. It would mean ds1 staying at his an extra night. I was not happy about this and said I assumed ds1 had already been told (he has form for telling dc things are happening and then 'asking' me, giving me no real choice) and he said yes. I sent a cross, but not ranty or insulting, text asking him not to do this in future. He sent back no apology, thanks or offer of another night in the holidays, just confirmed what time he would pick him up. I didn't reply but was intending at that point for ds to go - felt I had no choice.

When I got the dc from after school club, ds1 was talking about the cubs party he had that evening and said nothing at all about football. Maybe I WBU, but I didn't mention it to him, assumed ex had lied about him knowing and took the dc out to tea to avoid being in when ex got there. Ds1 went straight to cubs from the café. I first sent a text to ex explaining ds knew nothing about it and wanted to go to cubs.

He then rang me screaming abuse (yes, it was screaming) and sent a couple of texts telling me how spiteful I am, how he'd wasted money on a ticket and how the children will hate me. This really is a new low for us and I am now worried I have made things worse for myself, though I genuinely thought ds1 hadn't been told about it and ex had been lying to force my hand. It later turned out that ds1 had been told, but had forgotten. He wasn't bothered though when he did remember as he had enjoyed cubs.

I am scared ex will get back at me by withholding the dc at some point over the holidays and I am terrified that Christmas is now ruined. He is supposed to pick them up from school on Monday and then I get them from his on Thursday, and I am so scared he will take them to his mum's (2 hours away) and turn his phone off. There is now no way we can spend Christmas day together as planned, and I feel all my plans are up in the air, despite spending so much time negotiating with him so we could all enjoy the festive season. Part of me feels he has engineered all this to ruin Christmas as he knows how much it means to me and he has always claimed to find it all ridiculous, but that is probably silly.

AIBU to hate him, or is this my own fault?

OP posts:

MrsFozziwig · 15/12/2016 07:53

I tend to think that if the changes are intended to inconvenience you, then stand up to it.

If the changes are just him trying to have a normal relationship with his son, then what is the problem? Being the resident parent does not make you the boss. There does need to be understanding and consideration on all sides.

As I said, my ex does it sometimes, but it's never to inconvenience me. It's just a bit inconsiderate but he's got excited about doing something with the children. It's only a problem if we already have plans. And I just tell him that. If it's just a bit annoying, but I know the children would like it, I just let it go for their benefit.

I would never reluctantly agree to something and then take the children out. It should be obvious that that would cause ructions!

SoupDragon · 15/12/2016 07:54

Tbh thus ex deserved the same treatment in return

Only if you're 12.

Yes, the ex should have said I need advance.
No, he shouldn't have "really screamed abuse" at the OP
However, the OP shouldn't have just failed to be there for something that had been agreed. Children should not be used as pawns like this.

My XH has form for not telling me stuff. I still don't stop the children from doing those things with him because that would not be fair on them. It isn't their fault their father is an arse, they don't need an arse for a mother as well.

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2016 07:57

And dd you stop your dc doing already planned activities when daddy trumped those with something else?

The dc forgot about the football match and went to cubs party which he hadn't forgotten.

Karma is not exclusive to under 12 year olds

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2016 08:00

YANBU give him an inch and he takes a mile. Is it court ordered contact, or private arrangement. YANBU he was meant to return him at the agreed time, this should have been discussed beforehand, not put on you like that. What if you had plans with your dc that day or arranged something with them! Ex sounds like he is pushing boundaries and manipulating.

Curtainring · 15/12/2016 08:00

It is all rather pathetic point scoring in your part tbh. The suggestion at reporting the ex or shouting at her is also rather laughable.

Op you sound like you were being very pettt. Your ex wanted to take him to.football.for your dc's benefit. That is a normal fatherly thing to do. What a barstard wanting to do that and buying a ticket etc!!!!

In a non broken family there wouldn't be this issue and I really don't think you are being fair on your children.

It seems as though they are pawns in the games between you and their father.

Sad times for them. Take a step back amd grow the fuck up

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/12/2016 08:02

If the Cubs party was so important, OP should have mentioned it when the ex said about football.

Instead, she agreed to DS could go, but the went out last minute so ex turned up to an empty house!

The shouting wasn't ideal, but who wouldn't be furious in those circumstances?!

OP - next time, don't agree to plans if you're not happy with them. It's playing games and ultimately it's your DC who will suffer.

Fairylea · 15/12/2016 08:05

If you had agreed that ds could have gone to the football you should have been there when your ex came to collect him as that's what you agreed to. No wonder your ex was angry. If I had booked tickets for something and my ex had agreed I could take dc and then deliberately took them out somewhere so I couldn't pick them up I'd be furious!

Goingtobeawesome · 15/12/2016 08:06

Yet more children being used as possessions.

Grow up and learn to be an adult with the father of your children. You've both behaved badly and one of you needs to make it stop otherwise Christmas in 2026 will be worse than this year when your child doesn't want to see either of you.

DeepanKrispanEven · 15/12/2016 08:11

What if you had plans with your dc that day or arranged something with them!

Presumably she would have said so when he rang about the football and said no. But the fact is that she didn't and made sure she was out when he turned up. There could hardly be a worse way to deal with it.

Liiinoo · 15/12/2016 08:19

If you had planned a treat for DS and your ex had been told about it and agreed to it, you would have been gutted to then ha venit cancelled. The disappointment at not having that shared experience with your child would be overwhelming, not to mention the waste of money and the anger at your ex having messed you around.

It wouldn't be ok for ex to do this to you and it wasn't ok for you to do this to him. You both need to stick to pre-agreed arrangements in future.

Miserylovescompany2 · 15/12/2016 08:29

Honestly, I think you've made a rod for your own back! It wouldn't of killed you to allow one extra outing. Agreed, that the planning of said outing wasn't done in the best of ways. Unfortunately, it's the children that get caught up in the cross fire of parents who play tit for tat!

Maybe a schedule needs to be drawn up, and both parties need to have a certain degree of flexibility. The interests of the children should always come first. Not point scoring and get one over on your EX. This works both ways.

I would personally be arranging a face to face chat with our ex to iron things out...before this gets seriously out of hand :(

CrowyMcCrowFace · 15/12/2016 08:29

My ex has form for pulling this sort of stunt ('but I need you to change arrangements because I've decided to do X Disney dad type thing! But I've already told the kids!')

Playing silly buggers in response - grudgingly agreeing then going out - wouldn't help. Ex (& his family & assorted flying monkeys) already have a narrative in their heads that I am obstructive, inflexible etc because I generally expect arrangements to be adhered to - I'm certainly not about to hand them the bullet of being unreliable or untrustworthy.

So I stick to all arrangements scrupulously. In this instance, I'd simply have told Ex 'no, he's going to his Cubs party.' Or agreed to the football & then the football would have been what happened.

The lesson my Ex has had to learn (bloody long learning process it's been too) is that if he wants to do something different, he asks me, he doesn't tell me/the dc, & I tell him if it's OK or not & then stick to what has been agreed.

Honestly, it's the only way - I feel your pain but you'll just prolong his nonsense if you react like this.

Astley · 15/12/2016 08:30

Why didn't you just tell him on the phone DS had Cubs?

Really mean to say yes then have him turn up and you weren't there.

MrsFozziwig · 15/12/2016 08:34

Really? So you hold the power of veto?

missyB1 · 15/12/2016 08:34

I think your ds made his own choice, he knew about the football but "forgot" because he wanted to go to the cubs party. I suspect he didn't feel strong enough to tell his dad that he didn't really want to go to the football. I think you need to show your kids a good example by letting them see you deal firmly hut calmly with their dad. In future say no right from the start if he makes an unreasonable suggestion.

As for now stop panicking, let him calm down, then explain that ds didn't seem to want to go, but acknowledge that you should have rang him.

VoodooPeople · 15/12/2016 08:45

I don't understand why you didn't even mention the football match to your ds Children forget things all the time especially at this time of year when there's lots going on.

I can understand why your stbx was raging if he turned up and you were out. Quite apart from how fucking rude that is, tickets to the footie are very expensive. I'd have gone apeshit at you too I'm afraid.

Good luck in repairing that damage this has caused. I genuinely hope you get it sorted and that Christmas goes well.

Shakirasma · 15/12/2016 08:49

I think both you and stbx need a kick up the bum.

Playing silly games, making assumptions without actually communicating like adults?

Your childrens physical and emotional welfare needs to be at the heart of everything. Grow up.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2016 08:53

And dd you stop your dc doing already planned activities when daddy trumped those with something else?

I give them the choice because I am not an arse.

Karma is not exclusive to under 12 year olds

Behaving like an idiot isn't either. However, behaving like an adult is what's meant to happen.

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2016 08:57

The sensible thing to do in this sort of situation would be to say "But he has Cubs-ask him which he'd like to do?"

The scouting was completely out of order. But so was deliberately not being in when he came round to collect him when you had agreed to the football outing.

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2016 09:01

Trying to communicate with someone at work, once they have already purchased the tickets without checking first there isn't another arrangement is not going to go well, the event wasn't in the father's contact time.

The op hasn't handled this in a way she probably would have done if she had been asked first if the date was free, she could have had time to check. The event wasn't that very evening, and she was working so her mind was on more than one thing.

If the op had said no at lunch time to the text, the ex had still purchased to tickets so it would have still been a waste of money and he would have been cross.

MrsFozziwig · 15/12/2016 09:02

I give them the choice because I am not an arse.

Same here.

If we had still been together, that is what would happen. My children deserve to still have that experience. It's not their fault we split up and they shouldn't have to 'suffer' for it any more than is absolutely necessary.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2016 09:04

If the op had said no at lunch time to the text...

Except she didn't. She said yes and then deliberately arranged to be out.

Peanutandphoenix · 15/12/2016 09:05

OP as much as your ex is probably an arse you have also made yourself look like an arse by agreeing to let him take DS to the football and then deliberately being out when you knew your ex would turn up for DS your son might've forgotten about the football match but you knew about it so you should've been at home. You need to stop using your kids to score points that just makes you both look more immature than your children I wouldn't be surprised if you ex did do something like taking the kids to see his mum over Christmas on the day that they are suppose to be back with you just out of spite for you ruining the planned football match but you would only have yourself to blame for that. I'm not surprised your ex got angry though because I would if someone had agreed to something and then made sure they where out when the person turns up. If you don't want the kids doing something with their dad then don't agree to it.

Shimmyshammy · 15/12/2016 09:12

6 of one, half a dozen of another

He shouldn't have dropped the football on you. But that was your opportunity to say no. Instead you decided to just not be there when he turned up? Not on at all. You could have asked DS "daddy has tickets to the football tonight, you have a choice of that or cubs, let me know which one you'd like to do"

VoodooPeople · 15/12/2016 09:13

If the op had said no at lunch time to the text, the ex had still purchased to tickets so it would have still been a waste of money and he would have been cross.

He may well have been cross but he would at least have had time to try and sell the ticket or invite a friend to go. He also wouldn't have been let down at the last minute when he expected to be having a nice time with his ds.

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