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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off!!

54 replies

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 22:21

I have 2 adult dds& an 8 yr old dd.
Eldest Dd has 2kids of her own married.
It's an on going thing for a while now but she never seems to want to spend any time with myself& her little sister.there's always an excuse of some kind BUT she's always out with the niece of my best friend(who theres ongoing issues with to do with manipulation)
Last nite was my dds carol concert& I invited my eldest to come with the kids to watch her with us.she said I will try then when I txt her an hr before we were due to leave to ask if shes coming or not she said no prob not.so I asked why she said cuz my tooth hurts(she's bin having treatment fir while now) both kids were tired playing up etc.I was disappointed tho I had a feeling she wouldn't come but just said ok that's a shame but cu soon.left it at that.
Then tonite I go on social.media& there's a post on there from best friends niece saying lovely carol service tonite my girls did great thanks to ppl for coming& lo& behold my eldest is one of them tagged in it!she also commented on it saying how lovely it was& how well the girls did! She has 11 yr old girls.
I'm seething! Again! I really wanna vent at her bout it but don't feel I can as it's so bloody close to Christmas plus it's also one of my eldests birthday very soon so I don't wanna rock the boat.
Aibu?
It just pisses me rite off every time this happens as my youngest is never included in anything.yet they're always going everywhere with these others!
She's had loads of help from us in the past with money& different things.if we are going anywhere or doing anything we always think to include my gd but it NEVER happens the other way round!
so churned up inside! So need to vent on here!

OP posts:

PickAChew · 14/12/2016 22:31

I think you ned to tell her straight that facebook is an interesting place because it has a tendency to catch people out when they aren't being honest.

That aside, she's an adult and maybe she feels she needs to assert her own independence from you, making her own life without being subject to too many expectations. Unfortuately, the way she's going about it is by being a bit of a selfish asshole.

Painful as it is, maybe try stepping back and seeing how much contact she initiates. And saying no, if she asks for money for things she wants (rather than desperately needs).

Original poster

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 23:03

How can I take a step back when theres grandkids involved?i don't wanna miss the birthday party etc but also know I can't carry on like this either!
She msgd me earlier about something else which I answered then I asked if she enjoyed the carols tonite but she ignored that.

OP posts:

PlugUgly · 14/12/2016 23:05

Let her go and she's more likely to come back to you and want to spend time with you

bumsexatthebingo · 14/12/2016 23:05

She's an adult so can obviously go where she wants with who she wants but the lying would annoy me. I would have to say something.

Allthewaves · 14/12/2016 23:06

Sounds like she has an issue with you having another child

bumsexatthebingo · 14/12/2016 23:09

I didn't read it as a problem with the youngest. Sounds like she wanted to go with her friend (I assume she is friends with the neice of your bf) rather than family.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 23:11

Plug ugly I'm not constantly msging her asking her to go here there do this that or anything.I occasionally ask her if she fancies doing something but when I do she more often than not just ignores me!
If it's the other way around tho she keeps on& on till she gets an answer! She's like a dog with a bone then.
Only
I've got no prob with her going out wherever& with whoever she wants but I would as like hr to show me& especially her little sister the same privilege. I don't think that's asking much as we used to do a lot together.

OP posts:

PickAChew · 14/12/2016 23:11

Because, if you step back then she realises that your GCs aren't spending so much time with their GM, it might sink in that, if she wants her DCs to have a relationship with you, it takes some effort on her part to help it to happen.

I have a suspicion that she's still stuck in that teenage eff off but do this for me first mindset. if she is, she needs to figure that out for herself.

Underthemoonlight · 14/12/2016 23:12

To be honest you've had children whom have their own family now whilst you still raising your youngest I'm guessing you had her when your eldest just had her children and maybe expected you take on a more active grandmother role but your still another to a young child? My point is it can work both ways. Your still in an active parent stage and she has her own nuclear family so her priority isn't her younger sister but her own DC . She may have had these plans prior but didn't want to rock the boat with yourself.

Grindelwaldswand · 14/12/2016 23:13

Is this English ? I feel like ive been transported to netmumz

RoseGoldHippie · 14/12/2016 23:14

I don't really understand the issue, she couldn't go last night because her tooth hurt and the kids were playing up. Tonight she went to see her friends child in a concert.

How is that catching her up in a lie? If the two were on the same night I could see where your coming from. She probably just wanted to see her friend?

Original poster

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 23:19

Bums the 2 things were on different nites.
Moonlight I had my youngest Dd 21 months before she had her first child.we used to do a lot together.this has started happening the last few months.
Both my elder dds were very supportive of me having another child& were both at the birth.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 14/12/2016 23:20

Didn't realise they taken part on seperate nights you got to realise op your dd has her own family and social life.

melj1213 · 14/12/2016 23:20

Tbh what would bother me most would be the lying. All she had to say was "Oh, I'm so sorry I can't come to little sister's carol concert, I've already promised I'd go with my friend to her kids' one and it's on the same night! I hope you have a good time and sis enjoys it though!" it would still be disappointing, but she's an adult and has made her own plans.

I'm 27, I have a 26 year old brother and a 10 year old brother ... I have my own life, work etc and I do spend time with my parents and DB10 but I was just leaving for Uni when he was born, then spent 8 years abroad, so I missed out on a lot of his childhood ... my DB26 didn't go to Uni but went into an apprenticeship so spent more time with DB10 whn he was little, but we still do more things together, without DB 10 not because we don't love him or want to spend time with him, but because we're a year apart in ages and can arrange things to suit us, without having to factor in school/parents' schedule and all sorts of other activities etc.

Also were your best friend's niece and your daughter friends as they were growing up or is this a new realtionship? Because you can hardly blame an adult for wanting to spend time with her friend, and the fact the friend has kids so they do kid things, is just part of life. My best friend has 3 kids - 10, 4 and 2 and I spend a lot of time with them because I spend time with my friend - we try to get together at least once a week and it's usually in the evening, so I'll go over, help her DS10 with his homework/reading while she sorts her DDs out with bath/bedtime and then when they go to bed we crack out the wine ... that doesn't mean I like friend's 10yo more than my brother, but I just spend more time with my friend, and therefore her kids

Original poster

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 23:22

Pickachew a big group of us went away in October for a wks hol& have only seen them 3 times since.

OP posts:

Moanranger · 14/12/2016 23:23

I think you are well within your rights to have a frank discussion with her along the lines of you expect her to spend some time with her family. That fair is fair & you have an unequal relationship where you meet her demands but she doesn't reciprocate. She may throw her toys out of the pram, but it is the only way for you to -perhaps- get the relationship on an equal footing. This won't get resolved quickly as it sounds like the result of years of difficulty. But you must bring the issue out in the open, stick with it, and prepare for a negative reaction. Good luck!

bumsexatthebingo · 14/12/2016 23:24

Ah ok. Well maybe last night was just a bad night like she said? If it's an ongoing thing you could tell her you'd like to see more of her and the gc. Maybe offer to babysit or have them over for tea on a regular night?

Leanback · 14/12/2016 23:26

If they were on seperate nights YABU

Hamiltoes · 14/12/2016 23:28

I think you are well within your rights to have a frank discussion with her along the lines of you expect her to spend some time with her family.

What are you serious?

You can't just expect someone to spend time with you.

She has her own family.

DearMrDilkington · 14/12/2016 23:28

How old is she?

Original poster

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 23:30

Melj she's known the neice for few yrs but they've only really become friends quite recently really& going out together the last couple of months or so.
I'm not saying she can't go out with her etc I'm saying it'd be nice if she showed her sister&me the same respect.as I say we used to do alot together.
Plus it's the fact she always can go with them but if I ask her to come somewhere with us there's always an excuse why she can't.

OP posts:

Leanback · 14/12/2016 23:32

Op not attending her sisters carol service does not meet the threshold of disrespectful. She is not obliged to attend.

DearMrDilkington · 14/12/2016 23:34

You don't baby your youngest a lot do you? Mil does this and its really irritating when we've gone round there for the day so she can see dd, instead she just goes on and on about him the whole time like his a toddler, his 10!

Original poster

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 23:35

Thanku moan.
Bums we do offer to have her over& when we do see them the 2 kids always want a sleepover.the last but one time my eldest said no as they were going out somewhere next day just the 4 of them.the last time we had to say no as my youngest had had a very late nite the nite before so she needed to sleep.
Dear she is 30

OP posts:

Original poster

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 23:38

No Dear I don't.
Leanback I know she's not obliged to attend.I did ask her to let me know as soon as she could so if she couldn't make it I could give her tkts to someone else.
She didn't let me know till an hr before we were due to leave& that was only cuz I msgd her& asked!

OP posts:

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