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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off!!

54 replies

babayjane67 · 14/12/2016 22:21

I have 2 adult dds& an 8 yr old dd.
Eldest Dd has 2kids of her own married.
It's an on going thing for a while now but she never seems to want to spend any time with myself& her little sister.there's always an excuse of some kind BUT she's always out with the niece of my best friend(who theres ongoing issues with to do with manipulation)
Last nite was my dds carol concert& I invited my eldest to come with the kids to watch her with us.she said I will try then when I txt her an hr before we were due to leave to ask if shes coming or not she said no prob not.so I asked why she said cuz my tooth hurts(she's bin having treatment fir while now) both kids were tired playing up etc.I was disappointed tho I had a feeling she wouldn't come but just said ok that's a shame but cu soon.left it at that.
Then tonite I go on social.media& there's a post on there from best friends niece saying lovely carol service tonite my girls did great thanks to ppl for coming& lo& behold my eldest is one of them tagged in it!she also commented on it saying how lovely it was& how well the girls did! She has 11 yr old girls.
I'm seething! Again! I really wanna vent at her bout it but don't feel I can as it's so bloody close to Christmas plus it's also one of my eldests birthday very soon so I don't wanna rock the boat.
Aibu?
It just pisses me rite off every time this happens as my youngest is never included in anything.yet they're always going everywhere with these others!
She's had loads of help from us in the past with money& different things.if we are going anywhere or doing anything we always think to include my gd but it NEVER happens the other way round!
so churned up inside! So need to vent on here!

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 14/12/2016 23:40

At 30 you need to step back and leave her be. If she wants to be more involved with you and her sister then she'll let you know. I know its hard but you'll make it worse if you push her too much.

Leanback · 14/12/2016 23:42

It all sounds very frustrating so I do sympathise but if it was me I'd take her silence on the issue as a 'im not coming' and just move on. Next time tell her 'if you want to come you need to tell me by x date or I won't get you any tickets'.

I wouldn't get caught up on her going to a friends carol service on a different night though. Your dd does not need to compete with her friends children. Your eldest is 30, she has her own family set and her own friends. Like a pp has said maybe take a step back and see how much she initiates.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 14/12/2016 23:45

Maybe she's caught up in the excitement of a new friendship, and forgetting that you were there for her before this relationship and will be after.

A bit like someone who drops all her friends when she finds a new man but expects them still to be there for her when she needs them - usually when she's broken up with him.

Underthemoonlight · 14/12/2016 23:46

AT 30 and married her priority is with her own NUCLEAR family you are now her extended family she was disrespectful to attending your dd concert she may have been poorly and had her hands full she didn't commit to it she said she would try to come. Your expections of her are unrealistic here. What is your relationship like with your other adult dd

Underthemoonlight · 14/12/2016 23:47

Wasn't"

MrsMcMoo · 15/12/2016 00:30

I know how upsetting it can be when you see this stuff on social media, so I feel your pain. And I know you love your daughter and grandkids, and you just want everyone to be close and happy. I think you see her quite a lot compared to lots of families though, and you maybe need to lower your expectations a bit. You all went on holiday together in October and she's seen you 3 times since then. I think that is quite a lot of contact, when you have work and kids and friends and whatever else she might enjoy doing. She will no doubt have a busy life with lots of competing demands. Let her be totally free, have zero expectations, be pleased to see her, make plans of your own and don't guilt trip her at all, and I reckon everything will be ok. Have a good Christmas xx

Atenco · 15/12/2016 01:13

Just an idea, maybe her children don't get on so well with your youngest.

Whatever, I understand that you enjoy their company, but you cannot insist that she spends time with you. I think once our children are adults, they are more like friends and as friends, they are allowed to have other friends and spend more away.

Original poster
babayjane67 · 15/12/2016 07:09

Moo she doesn't work at all neither does her husband.
Her 2 kids are 6& coming up 1.her eldest is a girl&she& my youngest get on really well.have the odd spat like any other kids but love each other to bits.as I said before theye always want a sleepover whenever they get together.
We went away for her 30th but she didn't really want any of us there as she wanted it to be just the 4 of them but my best friend just took over& booked to go before my eldest had a chance to say anything& invited another mutual friend too!
There was no way we weren't gonna go too as my best friend would have gloated bout the fact she was there& I wasnt&what they all did& what I missed out on etc!

OP posts:
PhilomenaCunk · 15/12/2016 07:18

So, for her 30th she fancied a small family break and it got completely hijacked by your best friend and you because you collectively knew better and didn't want to miss out? And you wonder why she's stretching her wings?!?

Kind of hoping this is a reverse.

Crispsheets · 15/12/2016 07:29

Oh god, it's all so juvenile. Life played out on FB.

OneMillionScovilles · 15/12/2016 08:34

We went away for her 30th but she didn't really want any of us there as she wanted it to be just the 4 of them but my best friend just took over& booked to go before my eldest had a chance to say anything& invited another mutual friend too! You sound suffocating OP.

OneMillionScovilles · 15/12/2016 08:35

And I say that as someone who chose to spend my 30th on holiday with my parents - because they treated me like an adult and asked whether I wanted to rather than pulling this sort of nonsense.

Scooby20 · 15/12/2016 08:39

I think it's clear the problem is you op not her.

She has her own family and social life and you want her to priories you and your dd. Not going to happen and I don't see the issue

Original poster
babayjane67 · 15/12/2016 11:37

No I didn't hi jack it my best friend did!
My eldest was moaning about it to me as I didn't know anything about it till then let alone wanting to go on their own which is obviously fair enough!
She said to me yes of course u can come mum or if u can't really afford it just come for a day or 2 so as it turned out we could afford to go too so went!
My gd came on hol with us on her own in May first time without her parents.
We are not in each others pockets all the time nor do I expect to be!
They've all come on hol with us in the past.so it's never been a problem.

OP posts:
WheresTheEvidence · 15/12/2016 12:03

OP I think YABU.

There are 2 different issues.

  1. When your daughter said she was under the weather and couldn't go out to your event doesn't mean that she can't go out on another day/night
  2. I understand that you don't want your younger DD to miss out but you have to understand that if your elder DD didn't have children you probably wouldn't see her as often and she probably wouldn't want to go to a child's [albeit her younger sibling] carol concert.
Allthebestnamesareused · 15/12/2016 12:41

Your daughter prefers to socialise with her own friends (in her own age group) rather than with her mother! This is not unusual.

You are trying to be her peer merely by the fact that you have a young daughter but you are not.

It seems to me like that you are trying to force the issue. Perhaps if you were to take a step back (and stop facebook stalking her) she will want to spend some time with you.

You can't force her kids to be your daughter's friends (she is their aunt). If it happens it happens. I assume your daughter has school friends. Do any of them have older mothers who could become your friends if you put some time into building relationships.

I

Original poster
babayjane67 · 15/12/2016 13:47

Excuse me I was not& do not Fb stalk her!I went on there as I usually do& the post from her friend was there for all to see!
Nobody is forcing the kids to be friends either!what a ridiculous thing to say!
Of course my youngest has school friends as do I! I have friends of different ages including mine&my eldest who I go out with regularly.

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 15/12/2016 15:04

YABU OP! Hugely!

I haven't seen a mention of a partner at all? I think you're lonely and desperately clinging to your eldest for company and as a sort of second parent to your youngest DD.

Eldest DD has her own life and family, she doesn't have to be involved in every aspect of your lives. Leave her to it!

Original poster
babayjane67 · 15/12/2016 16:29

Well u think wrong then blue as I do have a partner& have done for the last 10 yrs!

OP posts:
WheresTheEvidence · 15/12/2016 16:48

A typical - AIBU? No I'm not!

I agree with all the best

"Your daughter prefers to socialise with her own friends (in her own age group) rather than with her mother! This is not unusual.

You are trying to be her peer merely by the fact that you have a young daughter but you are not."

Invite her to things but if she is busy don't stress, don't overthink her going out with her friends - Just be her mum and stop trying to spend so much time with her.

CostaAddict · 15/12/2016 16:48

OP I think you need to take a step back. There's a similar age gap between me & my sister. My 2 brothers are very close in age to me. I am now Married with two DS.

My DM expected the same as you. What she failed to realise is that I have my own family who are my priority. I am not close to my dsis as My DM expected me to almost take on a mothering role and I resented her for it. I was at Uni and establishing my own life yet it was expected for me to spend half my time with a toddler.

My Dsis recently had a role in our local gala. Fairly minor part in the main ceremony. My parents turned up to see her (as expected). My DBs and I did not attend but did see her later on in the day. My 'D'M kicked up merry hell and as a result relations are very strained. We never spoke for months.

Give your eldest DD space. It's unfair when she has her own family

SquinkiesRule · 15/12/2016 16:55

It think it's time to take a step back too.
Stop asking her to things and stop offering things and giving her anything. She'll soon miss you as will her Dd who loves the sleepovers, maybe it's time to do things on your terms.

QueenofallIsee · 15/12/2016 16:58

I get that you are wanting to foster closeness between your daughters, but she is 30 and her sister is 8. She can't realistically have a traditional sibling relationship with her and she has children of her own to mother, so its a difficult thing to navigate. I do think you have to accept that, your younger daughter won't miss anything.

You so called best friend sounds bloody awful - she would gloat and rub your face in her doing something with your DD? She hijacked your DDs birthday? Sounds godawful

Original poster
babayjane67 · 15/12/2016 18:20

Costa I'm not expecting her to take on a mothering roll.I'm her mother.I just want her to not have the excuses all the time for not doing stuff with us such as no money, no petrol etc.
Squinkies I think you're right.the more I think about it that's what I need to do.
It's very hard& upsetting g as we were always very close before& she would often ring or msg me to see what we were doing& did we wanna go out but that's stopped.
Queen she is bloody awful!that's why the last yr or so I've been distancing myself from her as much as I can.on that time we all went on hol she completely took over my gs.I hardly got a look in!when I did get my way to push his pushchair she said that's OK I can share!he's MY bloody gc!!

OP posts:
Leanback · 15/12/2016 18:27

Op I think you need to understand she's your daughter not your friend. I do think you're expecting too much.