Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have entitled children...

85 replies

FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 14/12/2016 12:20

Looking at the over indulged 'grown up children' thread, and feeling them same with lots of family friends having grown up children living at home, makes me want to make sure I don't do too much for my primary aged children, and how I need to make sure they are independent .. What do yours do and AIBU?

Mine are KS1 atm & they do:
Make beds
Tidy Room
Stack diswasher (with their stuff)
Set table (for all of us)
Tidy up their own mess
Put dirty uniform in washing bin and put next days clothes out

(massive amounts of winging (from kids) - but i'm hoping its worth it in the end)
btw - i'm the worst mummy in the world when i ask them to do this.... Wine

OP posts:
Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:04

GrinGrin kitkats

Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:05

Apparently its my fault for not providing a small bin for her bedroom Hmm . She doesnt need a bin, she needs a skip.

creamycrackers · 14/12/2016 14:11

Hmm. While growing up I was the second eldest of 4. We had to do the following from a young age,although DB was not expected to do it after a certain age because he was a boy therefore deserved to be out with his mates;

Get washed/dressed.
Make beds. Hoover and polish bedrooms every weekend. Tidy every morning.
Cook or help to cook meals. I had to make breakfast for brothers (inc eldest), sister and parents on a weekend because I was the 'eldest girl' in the house Angry.
Wash/wipe/put away dishes at every meal. Wipe over/brush/mop the kitchen after every meal.
Sort/wash/iron every ones clothes then put away our own.
Shop runs nearly every day straight after school before doing homework.
Then we also had to babysit and care for younger siblings.

Eldest DB will do everything for 'himself' so long as there is no one else around to mother him. I hate housework etc but I do it anyway because I'm a 'girl' and according to DH we do things better Hmm. Youngest brother and sister seem to have a touch of OCD and are constantly cleaning even though they never had to do what DB and I did when we were younger. We are all however not particularly fantastic when it comes to relationships etc....

So I'm not sure whether giving us more or less to do actually made a difference in all honesty, I do believe however that our parents focused far to much on making us able to wash, cook, clean and know our place than they did anything else which shafted us in many other ways.

AndNowItsSeven · 14/12/2016 14:12

Wookie why does she have two fans in December?

GloriaGaynor · 14/12/2016 14:13

I was a PIA teen myself. But I still set the table, washed my own clothes, helped clear up after a meal and kept my room tidy.

If I didn't my parents would simply have cut my allowance.

Parents who moan that their teens don't help enough always seem mysteriously to provide their full allowance, iPhone, a pile of presents at Christmas, and then wonder why nothing changes.

Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:14

Because they need to go up in the loft, and neither myself or DH will risk our necks trying to remove them for her. Grin

Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:16

Sorry that was to andnow ^^

GloriaGaynor · 14/12/2016 14:17

So I hear ya OP. If you do chores from when you're young it becomes routine, and automatic, not something you have to be asked to do.

Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:17

Gloria, my daughter has to sort her room on saturdays, if she doesnt? No pocket money, and no phone. But it still manages to somehow look like the pic again within 5 mins. Grin

Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:18

Apperently because she doesnt have a waste paper bin.

Original poster
FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 14/12/2016 14:20

pop love the netflix idea.

bastard the washing routine is inspired! can't even imagine getting that far!

OP posts:
Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:21

gloria do you have/or have had teenagers (genuine question) Smile

tangerino · 14/12/2016 14:24

That all sounds great, OP, and instilling good habits now will definitely help down the line. Having said that, I do know a couple of kids who were lovely, tidy and helpful children and grew into lazy, messy teens- I think there's an element of luck TBH (it's a bit like being pleased your baby eats everything and not understanding why some toddlers don't, then your baby grows into a toddler Wink )

Original poster
FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 14/12/2016 14:25

Grin wookie theirs do get like that...but toys not clothes

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 14/12/2016 14:26

Ours are each one of 5 children so not likely ever to be entitled. they know they get a fifth of what some only children get.

I was actually quite happy for my daughters to come home for 2 years after university to do 2 years of post grad law school. I don't feel they are entitled. They work extremely hard as lawyers and have both bought a property in their 20s etc. My teenagers cook better than anyone else in the sixth form probably because I just about never cook for them. I say lucky you in having a mother who would rather practise law than cook your dinner!

Wookiecookies · 14/12/2016 14:28

Haha, oh OP, enjoy it now! Its downhill from here! Apparently my DD has no clothes Hmm.

Well, Imagine the surprise she would have if she ever washed them instead of buying new ones and leaving them all over the floor. I swear half of top shop is in there somewhere.

OohMavis · 14/12/2016 14:28

DS (6) has a few jobs that are just his, the rest really are just doing stuff for himself which I don't really think are chores, like making his bed, tidying after himself and putting his dirty clothes into the hamper etc. He doesn't get rewarded for these. It's just stuff he needs to do.

He:
Clears away dinner plates from the table every evening
Tidies his room once a week
Puts his own clothes away into drawers (once I've sorted and folded!)
Wipes down cupboards in the kitchen

myfavouritecolourispurple · 14/12/2016 14:34

instilling good habits now will definitely help down the line

Making kids do chores makes no difference to their lives later on. Either they'll keep a tidy house or they won't. I genuinely think it makes no difference.

I was lazy and did nothing around the house other than drying the dishes (perhaps the most pointless job of all as they can dry themselves!). My house is not a tip and I don't like living in a tip. I am a bit less fussy than my husband but he says he did nothing at home either, he just learnt when he left home in his 20s.

My mum used to clean everyone's shoes in her house (youngest of 5 siblings) because she enjoyed doing it and hated dirty shoes - from the age of 7. She is very very tidy. She would have been very very tidy regardless of whether she had to help at home or not. When we visit we can't leave anything lying around anywhere.

I think being able to cook is a very useful life skill (and gets you friends!) but other than that you learn on the job. Anyone can fill a dishwasher or wash a dish, you don't need practice at it.

VinoTime · 14/12/2016 14:36

My 9.5 yo DD will do anything I ask her without complaint so long as it doesn't involve tidying away her stuff HmmConfused Like she'd literally clean the kitchen top to bottom quite happily, but the minute I ask her to put away her clothes? Holy fuck - the moaning! What is that about!?

As standard, she's to keep her room tidy, make her bed, put dirty clothes in the hamper/clean clothes away, put her dishes in the dishwasher, she's responsible for changing her own bed (I'll tell her when it's time) and sorting out her school bag, and she can make simple things like toast, hot chocolate and sandwiches herself. She's very good at offering to help around the house - quite happy to help me wipe down worktops, get the duster and polish out, run the hoover round, etc. I think because it's only ever just been her and I, she's always been keen to lend a hand and help out. It's only when I need to start issuing reminders about putting her shit away that I hear any huffing and puffing Hmm

AndNowItsSeven · 14/12/2016 14:46

That could be your dd's first task to independence wookie- venturing into the loft.

MarjorieSimpson · 14/12/2016 14:48

I don't think the way is to teach to be indépendant so they are not entitled.
If you want children who aren't entitled, I would say that you need them o teach them that as a family, you are a unit and therefore everyone support everyone.
That means, if you clear the table, you do it for everyone (just as if you cook, you cook for everyone etc...).
If you put a washing to go, then you put it for everyone etc...

Of corse, they first need to start with things that are easy and probably more related to them, such a tidying their own stuff etc... But learning that they can also tidy the mess of other people wouldn't go amiss TBH (I'm thinking there tidying the stuff on the table before putting the table, helping tidying the living room, all of it, not just their stuff etc...)

HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 14:50

Have to say I never lifted a finger at home but moved out and was a considerate housemate and now keep a reasonable home. I don't think I'm entitled (obviously no one does but I do try and go out of my way to help others out and am known as an undemanding person).

Like others have said it's a bit of a crap shoot sometimes. Of course we all try our best (and my 4yo DS does clean up after himself, put dirty clothes in basket etc.) but we should never be smug about how are children are turning out. Be proud of course if you have lovely, helpful kids but remember they are at least half luck so don't sneer at other parents!

KnowOneNose · 14/12/2016 14:50

my DC did chores when they were younger but during their A'levels/IB years I let them slack off a during term time as they were all working really hard at their studies. They weren't completely excempt from helping out but I did the laundry and most the cooking and cleaning (TBF I also have a cleaner ☺️). Strangely enough none of them have grown up to be the least bit entitled. All four work extremely hard at Uni and are responsible with money etc, etc.

I think it's a bit black and white to think 'make kids do chores =not entitled' 'Don't make kids do many chores = entitled'
There is more to it than that. It's got a lot to do with manners and generally how you raise them. My kids were really grateful that I helped them out as it allowed them to focus on their school work and their jobs.

It's a bit like the argument that kids that have a lot of material things end up spoiled whereas kids with little don't. That's clearly untrue.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

MarjorieSimpson · 14/12/2016 14:53

myfavourite. For me the issue isn't to make them do chores so they can learn to be tidy.
The idea is that they will learn

  • that some stuff needs doing and yes THEY Need to do that too (I have two boys and I am very worried they might grow up thinking tidying is a woman's job and that they can just out their feet up whilst their partner runs around them)
  • how to do stuff (no way they will arrive at Uni not knowing how to clean dishes, out the washing machine on or cook for themselves)
  • that housework is everyone's responsibility.

As to the standard of cleaniness, I agree with you, making them do chores isn't going to change that that much. It might teach them that living in a clean and tidy environment (as in they can a glimpse of how it feels) is nicer but that's about it.

watchingthedetectives · 14/12/2016 15:06

My sister virtually had to be dressed by my mum until she was 13. She is now highly successful, independent and generally fine.

I don't think too must angst is helpful

Swipe left for the next trending thread