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Original poster

Dh works night out, possible lap dancing

56 replies

Crazycake · 13/12/2016 00:39

Ive already posted in relationships but know I'll get more traffic here...
I've been with DH 10 years, I adore him just like I believe hope he adores me. We've had issues in the past regarding porn, I'm not dead against it per se but he's so secretive about it, uses it at least twice a week.
We have a relatively good sex life, we dtd at least once a week.

We met through work, I know through male colleagues that they'd been to lap dance bars before, he says completely innocent, mutual male colleagues have told me he has in the past payed for private dances although he denies this.

On Saturday he went on a works doo in a local city (we no longer work together). He rarely drinks and usually turns these things down, I was so pleased that he'd decided to go. We live in the sticks and there wasn't much way of him getting back so I offered to do the 2 hour round trip to get him. When I got there he was very charming, said he'd missed me, his friends were impressed I'd gone to pick him up etc. I said don't be silly, you'd do that for me.

Roll on tonight, (I've never felt the need to check up on him, I trust him implicitly) he asked me to check up on a parcel for our Dd, I couldn't reach the link so went into history. Saturday he looked up lap dancing bars in the city he was in and googled one particular place several times.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, maybe just wondered wwyd?

OP posts:
MontePulciana · 13/12/2016 00:49

Confront him. I'd go mental. Private dances can be very intimate.

Original poster
Crazycake · 13/12/2016 00:53

But I don't know if he had a private dance or even if they went there. How do I explain I know?

OP posts:
dinor · 13/12/2016 00:58

Say you were typing in the top bar and it came up?

PenguinsandPebbles · 13/12/2016 00:59

It depends on your limits

For me, I would confront because I would want to know. I would then leave

Because for me, even stepping into a strip club is a deal breaker.

maras2 · 13/12/2016 01:03

A bloke who uses porn so frequently would not think twice about paying for a 'lap dance'.I won't go on about the ins and outs of the sex industry as it's been done to death but please don't think that 'most' men do this. Sad

MrsPeppapig · 13/12/2016 01:07

I would class visiting a lap dancing club as cheating. Yuck

HelenaDove · 13/12/2016 01:11

His friends were impressed? Yes i bet they were He has a wife who will run around after him on a 2 hour drive to pick him up after he has indulged in a private dance.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 13/12/2016 01:14

you have very low standards OP.

DearSantaDefineGood · 13/12/2016 01:19

I would speak to him about it, although you are unlikely to be told the truth. If you believe he had went to the strip club, then what you do with that is down to you. If you are against it, and don't trust his word, then that's not great standing for a relationship.

I personally wouldn't mind my DP going to a strip club with the guys on a night out, and I have told him this. However if he ever was secretive about it I would go nuclear as that would be a violation of trust and to me that's the deal breaker.
Although I wouldn't mind him going to a strip club, I wouldn't be happy if he paid for a private dance. Again he knows this so I am confident that if he ever did go to a club he would text me and let me know, and he wouldn't have a private dance. If I didn't believe he would be honest about that I wouldn't be with him.

OlennasWimple · 13/12/2016 01:23

You tell him the truth - when you were looking up DD's parcel the browsing history came up and you can see that he was looking up strip clubs.

I'm not sure that a visit to a lp dancing club can ever be "completely innocent" TBH, and think about why your mutual friends would lie about what he had done in them and why he might lie and say he hadn't.

Insomnibrat · 13/12/2016 01:38

If he'd 'ended up' in a lap dancing bar that'd be one thing, but salaciously researching them before he went out? Not on.

Yoshimibattling · 13/12/2016 01:44

(Just posted on your other thread.....)

How do you feel about lap dancing bars?

My stbxh occasionally went to lap dancing bars. "He didn't like them, he didn't agree with them, only went along as was close friends stag dos etc. He had a private dance once and was very uncomfortable."

I accepted these one off occasions at the time, that he hadn't chosen the venue and had no choice. I probably believe the things he has said about not enjoying it. But in hindsight I had very low expectations.

I feel the clubs are exploitative of and degrading to women and he would not have gone ever if he genuinely agreed with that view as he claimed.

I also feel private dances are akin to cheating. I do not think him going was good for our relationship.

But that's me.
How do you feel?

The2ndSpartacus · 13/12/2016 01:47

I'd go fucking mental. It's cheating in my book.

kali110 · 13/12/2016 01:48

maras that isn't true. I know a few blokes who use porn frequently but wouldn't go to lapdancing clubs.

It's up to you op, it's where you draw the line.
For some, going to one is the deal breaker.
I've always said a private dance would be mine.
I've seen what they entail and i wouldn't be comfortable with it.
My dh however would never go to one anyway.
Can you deal with not knowing?
I couldn't.
I think the lying about it would be even worse than the private dance, just.
It's possible they never went.
Maybe the intention was to go to one though.

someonestolemynick · 13/12/2016 01:53

It wouldn't bother me but you won't get a calm response on MN.
But then again, you're boundaries are of course different.
Have you had a conversation about boundaries? As In, did he know, you wouldn't be happy with him going to a lap dancing club?
If it bothers you. Calmly. "I saw you went on X when checking out DDs parcel. I'm a bit surprised you didn't mention it. In fact, I'm not comfortable With it."

See what he says. In all likelihood he went. Again, personally, I wouldn't have an issue with it.
But there are two possible outcomes here. He respects your feelings and won't go in future (yay) or he goes anyway in which case you'll have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

namechange102 · 13/12/2016 02:02

Although if he thinks you would be uncomfortable with it, you're hardly likely to get an honest answer. Call me cynical, but if anyone ever finds a way to get the unvarnished truth out of a DP who has lied to you before, let me know! OP, how did the previous conversations about porn go? Did you set any boundaries then, and is he respectful of your views of it since then?

HistoriaTrixie · 13/12/2016 02:02

Okay, hm. Well, first of all I have to say that at first glance your subject headline was a little ambiguous and I thought you suspected that your DH, on the nights he works, was possibly giving lap dances! Grin but that's just me and my sense of humour sometimes seems like it's stalled at age 12. ANYHOW.

I think that if you guys have talked about how you feel about him going to strip clubs and having private dances (I personally would go completely mental but that's just me), and he still goes to the clubs, he's being really disrespectful of you, especially if he doesn't even have the stones to admit to it up front. Not that admitting to it would be fantastic, but at least it'd be out of the open for you to talk about and ultimately decide if you want to continue the relationship.

Do you have access to his bank account? Has he made any largish cash withdrawals (I assume private dances are pretty expensive) or made any charges to businesses you can't identify?

PenguinsandPebbles · 13/12/2016 02:34

It wouldn't bother me but you won't get a calm response on MN.

Most of the comments have been very calm and they have all talked about their personal limits and asked the OP what her limits are

Baylisiana · 13/12/2016 03:10

Historia I also read it as DH works nights, possibly as lap dancer....kind of disappointed it wasn't that really...

EveOnline2016 · 13/12/2016 04:24

I would not have an issue with DH having a lap dance, I know 100% it would be down to peer pressure and he would not enjoy it.

You know your DH though and it's your relationship and marriage, if it's not acceptable in your eyes then it shows total lack judgment and trust on his part.

Ethylred · 13/12/2016 05:20

The most disrespectful things here are the statements that the OP has low standards.

As for wwyd: well, my mother once said "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite provided you eat dinner at home." Otoh, she knew nothing about emotions and relationships.

whattodowiththepoo · 13/12/2016 05:26

I almost replied to your thread in relationships but these threads always seem to devolve in to posters arguing with each other and not helping the OP.
I agree with others that it depends on your boundaries and if he knows about them.

anoriginalusername · 13/12/2016 07:43

If you think you're being unreasonable, think about it this way.

Your dp comes home to find a naked man rubbing his cock all over you.

You respond that everyone does it, it's not cheating because you paid him.

Do you think he might have a small problem with this??

Fwiw I reckon he did go to a bar. It doesn't mean he had a dance but I'd just ask him? Mention the name of the place he kept looking up and see his reaction.

Guavaf1sh · 13/12/2016 07:52

I'm guessing what bothers you is that he didn't confess? You knew he went to these bars when you met and it didn't bother you then so the act itself isn't a 'deal breaker' for you. Some posters above have said it is, one or two that they wouldn't be bothered, but for you I assume it isn't such a problem. The fact that he hid it is what bothers you. As others have suggested mention how you accidentally found out but don't make it into a big deal and go from there. If he admits then talk about it and if your boundaries have changed let him know. Then if if happens again, hopefully not, you have grounds to be really pissed

kali110 · 13/12/2016 14:29

Guavaf1sh think has good advice

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