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Original poster

Dh works night out, possible lap dancing

56 replies

Crazycake · 13/12/2016 00:39

Ive already posted in relationships but know I'll get more traffic here...
I've been with DH 10 years, I adore him just like I believe hope he adores me. We've had issues in the past regarding porn, I'm not dead against it per se but he's so secretive about it, uses it at least twice a week.
We have a relatively good sex life, we dtd at least once a week.

We met through work, I know through male colleagues that they'd been to lap dance bars before, he says completely innocent, mutual male colleagues have told me he has in the past payed for private dances although he denies this.

On Saturday he went on a works doo in a local city (we no longer work together). He rarely drinks and usually turns these things down, I was so pleased that he'd decided to go. We live in the sticks and there wasn't much way of him getting back so I offered to do the 2 hour round trip to get him. When I got there he was very charming, said he'd missed me, his friends were impressed I'd gone to pick him up etc. I said don't be silly, you'd do that for me.

Roll on tonight, (I've never felt the need to check up on him, I trust him implicitly) he asked me to check up on a parcel for our Dd, I couldn't reach the link so went into history. Saturday he looked up lap dancing bars in the city he was in and googled one particular place several times.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, maybe just wondered wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycake · 13/12/2016 15:15

I don't really have an issue with lap dancing bars, as long as it's occasionally and he's out with the lads. A lap dance would be a deal breaker though! He knows this so he doesn't need to keep things from me. He's definitely hiding it rather than forgetting to mention it though because when I had his phone he went all sheepish. I'd forgotten the name of the bar so whilst he was in the shower I tried to look it up and he'd cleared all of his history.

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 13/12/2016 15:23

I would just come out with it. 'Did you go to xxxxxxxxxx bar on Saturday night?'. If affirmative, 'Did you get a private dance?'. After 10 years you should know by his reaction if he did.

Original poster
Crazycake · 13/12/2016 15:32

He's so cagey when it comes to anything like this though, if I try and talk about it like the discussions we've had about porn it turns into a huge row. He won't open up about it at all, it's not even as if I go in all guns blazing, I'm too pretty easy going tbf.
And I can't remember the name of the damn place. The other problem is that his nan passed away on Wednesday and they were very close, i think under normal circumstances I would have already brought it up.

OP posts:
kali110 · 13/12/2016 17:50

If He's deleted his history and being sheepish then i would think ke's hiding something.
If you have no problem with him going to a this club then why hide it?
Unless something more has taken place?

HelenaDove · 13/12/2016 18:17

Hes deleted his history so its highly likely hes had that private dance.

How would he feel if you had a naked man rubbing his cock all over you and you paid him for it. Or you suddenly announced you wanted to go for a part time job in the same establishment.

He should be ok with these two scenarios would they occur right?

Or does he belong in the camp where he compartmentalises women as Madonnas or whores?!

Crowdblundering · 13/12/2016 18:28

I can't get all hot and bothered about my OH visiting a strip club - it really really does not bother me - nor does him watching porn - and we have a perfectly healthy sex life.

But then he's away a lot and I trust him so...what would bother me would be if he lied about it - or anything wise.

Although I am aware mine is an unpopular opinion here and this thread will bring all the "feminists" out.

HelenaDove · 13/12/2016 18:47

Nothing wrong with being a feminist Crowd. It is not feminists who have low opinions and low expectations of men.

OpheIiaBaIIs · 13/12/2016 19:01

I am aware mine is an unpopular opinion here and this thread will bring all the "feminists" out

Hmm
DonaldStott · 13/12/2016 19:04

Why is the word feminists in inverted commas? As though it's somehow a bad thing.

Women have different boundaries. You may not give a flying fuck about your significant other paying to watch (more than likely expoilted) women, dancing around near naked to make a few bob from drooling men, viewing them as objects.

Or your significant other watching women pretending to enjoy getting fucked up the arse, to get their rocks off, but some women don't like to think this of their partner.

LittleBooInABox · 13/12/2016 19:07

Personally I see no issue. Porn, is to me a normal part of adult life.

Lap dancing - discuss your limits. I'd be happy for him to look but no touching. No private dances.

user1475500324 · 13/12/2016 19:11

I am shocked at the strong opinions on how a private lap dance is like cheating. Each to their own, we are all entitled to our own boundaries on what cheating is. I am
Not married, but I am engaged. I don't see it as cheating at all and I feel in a position to make that judgement call as I have been to one.

My fiancé has been to one on the last 2 stag nights he went on. I was upset at first, but not because I thought he cheated on me. I felt a little insecure that these pretty woman were parading around him and he may come home and be disappointed with reality!

Anyway we were on holiday this year in Mallorca and in a lively bar. There was a lap dancing club nextdoor and I had had way too many glasses of wine. I proposed we went in and had a drink so I could see what they are really like.

I was shocked. The girls were very attractive but they were clearly "at work" it was obvious after they had taken the money (which was around £35 for a private dance) that there would be no "extras" - it was a professional, albeit highly sexually charged place. I even had a dance myself. I was shocked - she did strip completely but I hear that's not the norm. I can see how men would enjoy it, it was very sexy but it's not akin to cheating in my opinion. But as I said, that's each to their own.

I would be more concerned that he was searching for them, unless he was a best man or something...as that means he was actively looking forward to it and that's a slippery slope.

Just my two cents.

Crowdblundering · 13/12/2016 19:15

Because any lap dancing thread on here brings out all the people who call themselves feminists hence the inverted commas and then descends into a massive bun fight where all the so called "feminists" slag off and have a go at any women who doesn't have an issue with porn for objectifying women.

I know lap dancers who have made good money and enjoyed their job.

DonaldStott · 13/12/2016 19:19

I know lap dancers who have made good money and enjoyed their job.

And by the same token, I know some who are very damaged, have zero self esteem and have a strong hatred of hate men.

MrsMattBomer · 13/12/2016 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crowdblundering · 13/12/2016 19:23

You can say that of a lot of professions.

HelenaDove · 13/12/2016 19:24

Why is a stag night called a "last night of freedom" when its never the last stag night a man goes on.

MrsMattBomer · 13/12/2016 19:27

It's the last night of freedom for the stag, isn't it? Meaning it's the last chance he'll get to go a bit wild as an unmarried man. In olden days, you were expected to obviously move in together straight away and crack on with a family, so traditionally a stag do really was the last time a man might get to go out and get blind drunk.

ImYourMama · 13/12/2016 19:50

Genuinely wouldn't bother me in the slightest

HelenaDove · 13/12/2016 19:56

Suppose thats partly true but a woman gets a much rawer deal from marriage than a man does. Women are still expected to do the bulk of the childcare for instance so are more likely to be tied to the home and less likely to have free/leisure time.

jelliebelly · 13/12/2016 20:02

I know this is missing the point but did you really drive a 2 hour round trip to collect him after a night out? YABU for that.

kali110 · 13/12/2016 20:43

One thing that pisses me off about threads like this is that you always get people come on here who says that wives/gfs etc who don't have a problem with it are 'cool wives' as a dig and have low standards Hmm
How about we are all different?
Just because some people on here don't have a problem with their partners having a private dance, going to a lapdancing club or watching porn does not mean they have low standards.
That is just wrong.
I would have a problem with my dh having a private dance, it does not mean my standards are higher than a poster who wouldn't have a problem with it.
It also does not help the op who clearly hasn't had a problem with her dh going to these clubs in the past ( just not having dances).

Crowdblundering · 13/12/2016 20:47

Kali well said.

deadringer · 13/12/2016 21:38

It just seems weird to me that a decent man could consider women as a form of entertainment, and pay them to strip and rub their bits all over them. There is something deeply unsettling about it imo.

FriendofBill · 13/12/2016 21:44

Or that it would be ok for their mothers/daughters/wives to rub their breasts and vulva on people for money.

BifsWif · 13/12/2016 21:44

It wouldn't bother me, but that's besides the point.

Where is your line?

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