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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make my DD send her Granny's Christmas present back?

68 replies

krustykittens · 12/12/2016 16:21

For reasons too numerous to go into here, I went NC with my parents a couple of months ago. I intend for this to be permanent. After the horrible incident that made us go NC, my eldest daughter, 14, blocked her grandparents from her phone and has not spoken to them since. Youngest has kept in touch via phone, which I am not happy about, but I feel it is up to her to decide if she wants a relationship with her grandmother (my father never bothers with the kids). Today, both of my children recieved Christmas cards with a £30 cheque. I have told my eldest that she needs to send it back, it's not right to not speak to someone but take their money. She feels it is a bit harsh to just send the cheque back, so I have suggested that she write her grandmother a letter to send with it, explaining why she is so upset and why she is not keeping it. DH says we just cash them, but to me, that is immoral. I have no problem with my youngest doing it as she stills talks to her Granny and will be sending her a card and a present. Honestly, I don't want anything to do with them at all and even seeing her handwriting makes me feel ill!

OP posts:
MinesAGin · 12/12/2016 16:22

I think it would be easier to just rip up the cheque, to be honest. Your mum will know that it's not cashed.

marvelousdcomics · 12/12/2016 16:23

At 14 I think it's her choice to keep it or not. If she was given it, she should be allowed to keep it.

december10th · 12/12/2016 16:23

It is hard to say without knowing why you are sulking going NC

easterholidays · 12/12/2016 16:26

Can you afford £30? I'd be inclined to rip up the cheque and avoid further contact with Granny (from you or DD), but not leave your DD out of pocket.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 12/12/2016 16:27

Just rip the it up, writing a letter opens the lines of communication up.

They know what they did wrong - your dd does t need the stress of having to write such a letter.

I

OurBlanche · 12/12/2016 16:27

Woah! That is weirdly nasty, every way you look at it.

I have no idea what the incident was, but it must have been hurtful, and I can see that the money will be seen in one of two ways, depending on the experiences of the reader:

  1. A present from a grandmother who misses her family
  2. A PA way of ensuring you all have to think about her again, get in contact etc

I also think there will be questions asked about the difference in the ways you expect your DDs to act, but I also understand your reasoning.

I think you and your DH need to sit down and have a chat about it and then resent a united face to all concerned. But I wouldn't think YABU whatever you decide. You know what has happened, I can only conjecture (though I suspect I do remember your previous posts).

MidnightAura · 12/12/2016 16:27

When I saw the title I thought yabu but having read the post, I don't think you are. I agree!

We are NC with family members and we wouldn't keep gifts if they were sent to us. It feels wrong to say you aren't speaking to someone but accept their money.

easterholidays · 12/12/2016 16:27

Actually I think I misread your post and assumed that DD wanted the £30. If she's not bothered and thinks that sending the cheque back is unnecessarily harsh then I agree with Gin, just tear it up and leave it at that.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 12/12/2016 16:29

It's really hard when you have a manipulative parent and they still try and maintain relationships with your kids even if you have gone NC.

It's just another form of manipulation.

Ignore it

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/12/2016 16:30

Be careful, it sounds as though you are putting your daughter in a difficult position. She basically has to side with you or her grandmother who I assume she has known for all her life. It sounds as though the argument is between you and your mother. Try not to drag your children into it and make them take sides.

Obviously, I don't know why you have fallen out, but from a grandmother's point of view, it must be devastating to be cut out of your grandchildren's lives. The cards and money maybe an olive branch from her?

monkeywithacowface · 12/12/2016 16:32

Don't send it back just don't cash it. I don't think you should b dragging your dd into this any further by getting her to write letters.

It seems very odd to me that you have gone NC but give your children the choice to stay in touch. If their behaviour is so bad then why would you allow contact. I think it must be very confusing for them and the fact your dd wants to accept money from people she doesn't want to speak shows they are too young to understand and make sense of it all.

Branleuse · 12/12/2016 16:32

its got nothing to do with you if your dd wants to keep the cheque.

glitterandtinsel · 12/12/2016 16:33

Wow dec10, going nc is more than sulking!
Rip them up, both cheques. She's hoovering. Buying their love.

mrscarrotironfoundersson · 12/12/2016 16:34

I think you're sending mixed messages to the girls actually.

DD does as you ask and doesn't speak to GM. She doesn't get to keep the present.

Other DD ignores your wishes and gets to keep her gift with your blessing.

Can you imagine if she'd only sent one of them a gift?

Let both girls keep the gift. Both send a card to say thank you.

BdumBdummer · 12/12/2016 16:34

What Bran said, in the absence of more info. Did the grandparents do something to the grandchildren?

Floralnomad · 12/12/2016 16:36

At 14 its entirely your daughters decision what she wants to do with the cheque .

glitterandtinsel · 12/12/2016 16:37

Not all grandparents love their grandchildren and are nice to them. My dcs grandparents are abusive to them and that's why we went nc.
If you've no experience of toxic family members you've no idea of the damage they do.

Pagwatch · 12/12/2016 16:40

I think you should try and support your children and help them navigate this as best they can.
I would strongly resist telling them what to do.
I think telling your DD to send the cheque back was over stepping from supporting her to influencing her to strengthen the breach with your parents.

AngryPrincess · 12/12/2016 16:41

You could tell the kids you will cash the cheques for them, then give them some money and rip up the cheques?

Isetan · 12/12/2016 16:42

Let your daughter come to her own conclusions, she'll soon learn that the thirty quid comes with strings.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 12/12/2016 16:42

Be careful, it sounds as though you are putting your daughter in a difficult position

No actually the GP did that when she sent the cheques knowing full well they were NC

itsmine · 12/12/2016 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 12/12/2016 16:44

I'd probably give her £30 of my own money and rip up the cheque (but that's me).

I wouldn't engage by sending letters/cheques back.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 12/12/2016 16:44

its got nothing to do with you if your dd wants to keep the cheque

Actually it has. Grandparents have no rights what's so ever. Nothing .

op why do you still let your kids have contact if you have gone NC?

DiegeticMuch · 12/12/2016 16:45

It's hard to know if this is manipulation, or an olive branch. Have you got any idea OP?