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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to make my DD send her Granny's Christmas present back?

68 replies

krustykittens · 12/12/2016 16:21

For reasons too numerous to go into here, I went NC with my parents a couple of months ago. I intend for this to be permanent. After the horrible incident that made us go NC, my eldest daughter, 14, blocked her grandparents from her phone and has not spoken to them since. Youngest has kept in touch via phone, which I am not happy about, but I feel it is up to her to decide if she wants a relationship with her grandmother (my father never bothers with the kids). Today, both of my children recieved Christmas cards with a £30 cheque. I have told my eldest that she needs to send it back, it's not right to not speak to someone but take their money. She feels it is a bit harsh to just send the cheque back, so I have suggested that she write her grandmother a letter to send with it, explaining why she is so upset and why she is not keeping it. DH says we just cash them, but to me, that is immoral. I have no problem with my youngest doing it as she stills talks to her Granny and will be sending her a card and a present. Honestly, I don't want anything to do with them at all and even seeing her handwriting makes me feel ill!

OP posts:

Original poster

krustykittens · 12/12/2016 18:59

Sorry, just to answer DailyFail's question, we did tell both the girls why we were going NC as we wanted to be open and honest with them about why we were doing it and try to help them understand why. It's a crappy situation all around, I have no idea if I am doing the right thing but we are happy without them in our lives, even with the very limited contact they had, as we live in seperate countries.

Boney, your reply made me laugh, thank you!

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 12/12/2016 19:02

I think it might be a good idea to speak to the important people in your children's lives and explain.
The problem with deciding that you are ashamed to not be in contact with your parents is that you force your DDs into trying to keep your secret.

My son was asked about his grandfather by a teacher who knew him. My son knew what to say because we were open about it.
If you have reasons good enough to keep your parents away from your family then you should not be ashamed. If you are ashamed your DDs will feel guilt and shame too.
Help your DDs decide what to say if they get asked about their grandmother. Tell people who may have cause to ask them.

Original poster

krustykittens · 12/12/2016 19:05

I feel ashamed, Pag, because it seems to be such a taboo and people who have more 'normal' parents can't understand why you would go so far or be so 'horrible'. Nor do I want to explain WHY it happened. I get a phsycial reaction just seeing her handwriting, I wanted to be sick this afternoon. How did you deal with it?

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 12/12/2016 19:11

It's really hard Krusty. I don't think anyone can say anything that makes it easier - I do sympathise!
My situation was easier on me because it wasn't my parents. My DH had the worst of it.
We did just want to stop the damage filtering down so we talked to our DC a lot. They found it difficult and, as I think happens with divorce, they blamed themselves.
I think if you just make sure they understand it's not them. It is nothing to do with them. It's the adults problems but for now you need to protect them and this is the easiest way to keep them out of it.
Could your DH talk to anyone you think should know? It may be there are not many people likely to raise it which would be easier.
It's hard Krusty.

Footinmouthasusual · 12/12/2016 19:23

Good luck op. until I met my dils parents and read mumsnet threads I couldn't really understand going NC with their parents but you get to realise that however inexplicable it is, not all parents love and support their kids and actively enjoy being horrible to them. Totally bizarre.

Footinmouthasusual · 12/12/2016 19:25

And I think you are doing the right thing regarding Dd2.

MrsBlennerhassett · 12/12/2016 19:26

just rip up the cheque. If shes a toxic person she will have done it so that you contact her and she can start things up again. Give your daughter £30 and then just rip up the cheque.

MrsBlennerhassett · 12/12/2016 19:29

also i think you are doing the right thing in making your youngest go NC as well. If you know someone to be an abuser dont let your children near them, it doesnt matter what relative they are.
My gran abused my mother and then my mother let her be around me and she did the same things to me and it really badly effected me. I wish they had kept me away from her. I didnt understand at the time why my mum didnt like her and i felt sorry for her and wanted to see her so my mum let me..... i really really wish she hadnt.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2016 19:40

so I have suggested that she write her grandmother a letter to send with it, explaining why she is so upset and why she is not keeping it

Its not your money yet you're intervening in whether your DD wants to keep/spend it or not. For all you know she may reconcile with her grandmother one day - she is not you.

Ive been NC with my own mother for 6 years and Im so glad - toxic and manipulative doesnt cover her. But despite a couple of fallouts with my eldest, DDs get on with their grandmother., having said that they know situation and are totally "for" me but I have never encouraged them to become involved in situation between me and her. & they don't. I don't see the point and preferred to disengage, Ive my own life and pursuits to get on with I get on so well with DDs, and that will do

You may find you regret making your DD take sides. Besides its wearing maintaining all that what are you going to do, watch out for every incident? My 2 are in their early 20s now , beyond the age of me being able to tell them what to do thats for sure. Kids don't stay kids

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2016 19:46

I get a phsycial reaction just seeing her handwriting, I wanted to be sick this afternoon

^^also sorry you feel so triggered. Takes ages to pass but it does tend to, eventually. Im not a particularly anxious person but for a long time even mention of my mum used to knot my stomach

My gran physically abused my mother which I didnt find out until 3 years ago although a lot of other people knew. Always the way, people know things that impact your life and you are the last to know

Good luck

Ditsy4 · 12/12/2016 22:41

You could send the money to NSPCC and let her know what you have done!

DeepanKrispanEven · 13/12/2016 00:13

Mistress DeeCee, the grandmother told OP's child she was a liar and mentally ill. How can OP just pretend to her child that none of that happened, or that it's perfectly normal and shouldn't affect her relationship with her grandmother?

PhilODox · 13/12/2016 00:26

I am surprised you didn't intercept the cards when you saw the envelopes actually.
My mother used to do this. Cheques were destroyed.
It took a few years for her to wake up to the fact that she cannot buy attention and affection.
We haven't heard from her since.

Sweets101 · 13/12/2016 00:31

I'd stay out of it. If she's old enough to choose whether to be NC or not she'said old enough to decide how to respond to the gift.

Original poster

krustykittens · 13/12/2016 00:42

Phil, the cards were in a mail box at the end of our drive so they don't end up on the doormat. My youngest went down to check it when she came home from school as it is one of her favourite jobs. That will teach me to check the mail before her.

OP posts:

PhilODox · 13/12/2016 00:50

Ah- you weren't to know krusty.

M1ssunderstood · 13/12/2016 20:04

Glad you have come to a decision. Well just as i thought some
Cards came in mail today. DH intercepted ours - it was Special
Son and DIL card but unsigned. Only one of DSs got a card addessed to him but it was signed. DH didn't say anything so bit unsure what he makes
of situation.

Cuttingthecheese · 13/12/2016 20:09

I had this same argument with my DH about his step grandmother. She started sending money after DC1 was born, he wanted to keep the money yet actively avoid contact with her.

I don't feel you can do both. It says a lot about you if you do I think.

He has since written a letter explaining he wants no contact and has stopped accepting the money.

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