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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think MIL dislikes me? AIBU to dislike her?

72 replies

1horatio · 12/12/2016 15:53

So, in the beginning MIL and I got a long. I get along with FIL and the other in laws.

MIL have butted head over my eating habits (I am much into a certain sport which required me to make weight and I still try do train as much as possible [seeing as I'm the main provider financially and DH and I have a baby daughter that's less often than I would like] and every health
professional I've ever had to speak about diet thought my eating habits were great/adequate).

MIL is a very smiley and polite person. It takes some time to understand that she's just being very subtle with her dislikes...

MIL doesn't like 'my' sport or that DH and the LO go and see me train (because he wants our LO to know what a 'badass her mummy is', well, I think she's too small to understand but I love that DH understands that i want to share this part of life with the.)
But it's apparently the wrong place for a kid.... even though they're usually 'watching' me train a bunch of little girls!!! (And DH is often speaking to their parents or other people that train here. He's starting to learn sooo much about my sport, I love that.)

She made a huge fuss when we told her that we wouldn't come over anymore very Sunday (it's once a month now and she usually meets with DH and LO under the week). But I only have the weekend with DH and LO and one morning a week. I want to make the most of my weekends. (And no, we didn't tell her like that).

This weekend we went to meet them and ate out (in a spot MIL knew quite a few people. Not a place that requires formal wear). I wore a green sleeveless silk blouse and a blazer. When I took off the blazer one sees my tattoos and she made this weird noise. Made a face and asked me a few minutes later whether I wasn't feeling cold without my blazer?!
I think I'm not fancy enough in her opinion...? Maybe, idk. It's weird. She has this way that (now that Imknow her better) I know she dislikes something. And I have asked DH before and he agreed with me. So, yeah.

I feel like I'm being a good daughter in law. I don't restrict access to the LO, I'd never badmouth her or disrespect her and I always offer to help in the kitchen. And we dress the LO in the clothes she gave us...
But apparently I'm not? Grr. Im spitting mad!!!
Or am I being culturally insensitive (I'm not from the UK)?

Oh, and one of the only habits of DH I hate (wrong parking and sometimes driving too fast) he got from her!
Or at least she does that too. Why bend the law? for a few more minutes? And it's also dangerous.

If you have advice then that's also great, I'd totally appreciate it. But I also just want to rant! Oops...

OP posts:
Original poster
1horatio · 12/12/2016 15:55

EDIT:

My tatto is not of anything offensive or political.

OP posts:
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 12/12/2016 15:59

Get a bigger tattoo Grin

(Not known for my great MIL advice)

Pineappletastic · 12/12/2016 16:01

My DM hates tattoos, especially on women, if you were my SIL she'd pass comment to my DB (and he'd tell her to F off 'cause we're all sick of her shit), and then do this face she has for things she doesn't like if she saw if. She does this face a lot, my cooking, my baby girl dressed in 'boy clothes', what I eat, when I babywear, etc. Basically my DM is a judgemental cow, and your MIL might be a little bit too. It sounds like she maybe things you're a bit too masculine? Ignore or challenge her as you see fit, but don't feel you've done anything wrong.

MrsDustyBusty · 12/12/2016 16:05

The thing is, you don't have to like each other. If you don't, try to let go of that and see whether just being civil on your end helps. You can't make her like you and you shouldn't need to try. You can't make her nice but if she chooses not to be, that's her problem.

Dozer · 12/12/2016 16:06

Suggest you don't worry what she thinks, pull her up on any further rudeness (eg "why would you suggest that I put my coat on MIL?", "that's the 7th time you've mentioned my hobby"), and that DH does likewise.

Original poster
1horatio · 12/12/2016 16:06

Too masculine...?

Idk. I have long hair, wear feminine clothes. But I am the main provider, have a tattoo, work in a law and my hobby is quite,.. well, there's a certain amount of fighting.

So maybe that's that.

OP posts:
Original poster
1horatio · 12/12/2016 16:08

Oh, and she worries about my English. Because it may influence the baby's language abilities....

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/12/2016 16:11

What a PITA. Does your H "get it"?

stressedoutmam · 12/12/2016 16:11

Tell her to fuck off because she wouldn't stand a chance against you in a fight GrinWink

Original poster
1horatio · 12/12/2016 16:13

Uhm... PITA?

Have to google it. You can't be talking about flatbread... ;)

OP posts:
Pineappletastic · 12/12/2016 16:14

Yep, older English ladies often have a bee in their bonnet about gender roles, some fairly extensive threads around about the menfolk being served first, getting more meat, etc, while the ladies have tiny birdlike appetites and 'couldn't possibly eat all that'.

So if you're eating well, doing sport, and having tattoos, certain older English ladies will be judging you.

Don't worry about it, they judge me for not wearing heels or makeup, and strangely, for having long hair when I'm 'too old for it' (since I was about 26). I'd put money on this being it, though she'll never admit it, they never actually say it, they're just PA about it.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 12/12/2016 16:16

Pain in the arse

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 12/12/2016 16:17

I think I've read some of your other threads - your MIL sounds like a pain.

You sound like very different people, she seems to have an idea of how women behave and you don't fit into that. I think all you can do is ignore her and laugh when she starts acting up. Or just wink and say "DH loves the tatoo/sport/my accent" see if that stops her Grin

And if you are the poster I'm thinking of then you are indeed a bit of a badass - embrace it Grin

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 12/12/2016 16:17

You've posed before about her deliberately fucking up your pre fight diet haven't you?

She IS an massive pita. Not much you can do but ignore, rise above and get a bigger tattoo

CraftyKittens · 12/12/2016 16:29

Yup she sounds a Pain In The Arse :) not a certain type of tasty flat bread :)

Personally the only thing I tend to judge people on is how they treat other people and she doesn't sound very kind or respectful at all, not a very attractive thing at all IMO.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 16:30

Rant away! It's cathartic to get it all out.

Yes, I'd say that she disapproves of you, and that it's probably gender and class related, in other words a bunch of anti-feminist prejudice and a bunch of snobbery.

You sound awesome, and a GREAT role model. I'd send any daughter of mine to watch someone like you train and learn that women can be strong, powerful and capable.

Ignore it as far as you can and keep being you. You'll never be bessie mates with this woman, and you'll never win her approval, but guess what? Her views don't matter any more. Your DH's and your daughters are the only ones that do. I would breeze through, refusing to change your way of being for her and pretending that you don't see/hear the criticism.

Original poster
1horatio · 12/12/2016 16:31

Yes, I have posted here before.... You ladies have crazy memories. Wow:D

She wasnt so flat-bready back then. Well, she probably was. But I didn't really realise.
I think it also got worse after the pregnancy, I think.

Do we nees to like each other? Not really. But MIL often looks after her other grandkids.
Which may be an issue if she doesn't respect me.

Or has this attitude towards the behaviour of DD. So i would like to fix itm

OP posts:
SkyLucy · 12/12/2016 16:34

Just wanted to give you some sympathy! I have a similar situation but sort of in reverse...I'm from the UK and my MIL is not. She and her family are very sporty and I'm not. Basically, my being an art/music loving gym avoider (And atheist. And vegetarian. And apparently 'overweight' at a size 12), has confused her for years. I'm now having a baby and she (and FIL) just aren't speaking to me, which is breaking DH's heart!

I worry about this loads, and find it really upsetting. I'm obvs just not good enough for the family...even thought about changing my name back because I don't belong!! Anyway, I understand how you feel and if you find out how not to give a shit, do let me know!!

Hissy · 12/12/2016 16:43

Your mil was bitching about your diet while pg too, wasn't she?

It is none of her business what you eat or don't eat, wear or don't wear, or what your hobby is.

You sound great! Having a kick arse mum will do more for your dd than an up her own arse pita grandmother

It's time to set her straight once and for all and if there are any remarks about tattoos etc then be absolutely bold and ask her what she meant by that, and "are you being judgemental about tattoo/food/hobby/way the wind blows or whatever?

Also "It doesn't matter what you think mil, you have no right to be rude."

Then get up, as a family, and go home

She's doing this because she's being allowed to get away with it.

Yeah it won't be easy, but the alternative is impossible too.

You're not doing a thing wrong.

parrots · 12/12/2016 16:48

My circumstances are very different, but my MIL is a PITA too, she irritates me beyond belief. I know she can't stand me either, we are very different people and she's forever trying to point score.

No advise but take comfort from the fact that you aren't alone!

sparechange · 12/12/2016 16:53

I remember your post before about her making a huge fuss about what you eat.
She just sounds like a drama llama

I guess you can either call her out on it, or ignore it.
Or play up to it. Next time, maybe a big plaster with 'CENSORED' written on it, stuck over your tattoo
Get a photo of Darcy Bussell in full tutu, but stick a photo of your head on it, and put it in a frame in DD's room

And then this, but English for her:

Baylisiana · 12/12/2016 16:54

It sounds as if she had an idea of the 'type' of DIL she wanted and on the surface at least you are quite different from that. it is a shame because she really ought to focus on getting to know you as a person....ok, she may not like tattoos or your sport but that should be something she quickly puts aside once she gets to know you rather than hanging on to a stereotyped imaginary DIL. I think you have to hope she can do that in time, and call her out politely but firmly when she oversteps the mark. I have not seen any previous threads though, so I might be being over optimistic! I do think every weekend is ridiculous though, YANBU about that!

ememem84 · 12/12/2016 16:59

I'm assuming your sport is something like boxing/martial artsy?

My mil would have a fit if I did that (tempting....!)

I got a tattoo earlier this year. Nothing offensive. Three swallows on my wrist. She hates tattoos on women. were at a wedding early next year and I've been instructed to cover it up. Or remove it. I've asked whether dh will need to cover his. Or Bil will need to cover his. no they won't

I've sent her a picture of my gloves (full length black silk from a fancy dress party) which I'll be wearing. On the beach. In my maxi dress. For the wedding.

The bride thinks it's hilarious.

Mil disapproves that I'm "spending all dh's money" on my hobby (horse riding). I'm not. I may be spending all my "play" money on it. But not dh's.

She's an idiot. And we leave it there. It's difficult not to care as she knows how to push my buttons. And I find it difficult not to react.

BertrandRussell · 12/12/2016 17:02

Did you give your child the hunting knife?

Original poster
1horatio · 12/12/2016 17:16

russel of course. Instead of a plushie (I'm kidding!!!!!)

84 yes, it is. That sounds great. And pretty, I like tattoos.

Mine are placed in a way nobody can see them whilst wearing professional attire (or when I wore my wedding dress, btw!!).

OP posts: