AIBU to think MIL dislikes me? AIBU to dislike her?

[1horatio]

So, in the beginning MIL and I got a long. I get along with FIL and the other in laws.

MIL have butted head over my eating habits (I am much into a certain sport which required me to make weight and I still try do train as much as possible [seeing as I'm the main provider financially and DH and I have a baby daughter that's less often than I would like] and every health
professional I've ever had to speak about diet thought my eating habits were great/adequate).

MIL is a very smiley and polite person. It takes some time to understand that she's just being very subtle with her dislikes...

MIL doesn't like 'my' sport or that DH and the LO go and see me train (because he wants our LO to know what a 'badass her mummy is', well, I think she's too small to understand but I love that DH understands that i want to share this part of life with the.)
But it's apparently the wrong place for a kid.... even though they're usually 'watching' me train a bunch of little girls!!! (And DH is often speaking to their parents or other people that train here. He's starting to learn sooo much about my sport, I love that.)

She made a huge fuss when we told her that we wouldn't come over anymore very Sunday (it's once a month now and she usually meets with DH and LO under the week). But I only have the weekend with DH and LO and one morning a week. I want to make the most of my weekends. (And no, we didn't tell her like that).

This weekend we went to meet them and ate out (in a spot MIL knew quite a few people. Not a place that requires formal wear). I wore a green sleeveless silk blouse and a blazer. When I took off the blazer one sees my tattoos and she made this weird noise. Made a face and asked me a few minutes later whether I wasn't feeling cold without my blazer?!
I think I'm not fancy enough in her opinion...? Maybe, idk. It's weird. She has this way that (now that Imknow her better) I know she dislikes something. And I have asked DH before and he agreed with me. So, yeah.

I feel like I'm being a good daughter in law. I don't restrict access to the LO, I'd never badmouth her or disrespect her and I always offer to help in the kitchen. And we dress the LO in the clothes she gave us...
But apparently I'm not? Grr. Im spitting mad!!!
Or am I being culturally insensitive (I'm not from the UK)?

Oh, and one of the only habits of DH I hate (wrong parking and sometimes driving too fast) he got from her!
Or at least she does that too. Why bend the law? for a few more minutes? And it's also dangerous.

If you have advice then that's also great, I'd totally appreciate it. But I also just want to rant! Oops...

Whenever my in-laws make the slightest sniff about my roots, interests or suchlike... I ramp it up. My accent gets coarser, my anecdotes get a little spicier.

I'm a martial artist, and if anything I rather perversely enjoy older ladies getting all sniffy about it. Makes me crack open the story about my broken nose, or this guy I knew with this knee that did this... and that....

Just remember - she's not your relative, not your family, just some random ol' lady you're stuck with because of DH. Don't give her any satisfaction and enjoy winding her up a little :)

Isn't it great how martial arts encourages people to be better human beings and to rise above minor irritations?

MIL is a very smiley and polite person. It takes some time to understand that she's just being very subtle with her dislikes...

I feel you sista. Mil exactly like this. Does my head in.

Russel
😂😂 Does ballet do that? Tennis? Cycling? They're not anger management classes. Or therapy sessions. And if one does need anger management classes...

But it's just something I do immensely enjoy and I have just really started doing that again and I am happy DH is supportive about it.

getting

Right. Sometimes.... I understand the reasons for politeness. But on a family lunch? (And not even the whole extended family?)

Shun me, scream at me or be actually friendly. Not 'polite'. I'm just too dense to deal with that. I don't think I'm particularly stupid. But why?? How does anybody ever get what she wants? Or does she just walk through life misunderstood and therefore grumpy (I highly doubt it. I'm probably just too emotionally dense!) I mean, it would be easier to understand her actions if I knew what her goal was. But I don't...
DH says she's always been like that.

Does ballet do that? Tennis? Cycling?"

No. But they don't claim to.

I'm sorry, anyway- I should have targeted my post better. It was meant as a response to the deeply unpleasant comments made by CozumeFox.

Ah, that also depends on the sport/the trainer/the club and even the country etc. But that they're marketed this way. That's also a lot of stereotyping!

One of my little (half) brother (muuuch younger than I am) does judo. They had (as a nod to tradition) a few seconds of calming before training. But he was in the competition team ever since he was rather young. (And started before primary school... ) it's possible it was different in other classes.

I didn't see cozume's comment as particularly unpleasant. If her relatives make nasty comments... well, she can just to ignore them, call them our on it or provoke them, right? Have you never ever had fun provoking somebody? Cause I have not saying it's productive (why I'm not doing it in the MIL situation) but I do see the appeal.

Well, ok, the part of MIL not being my family and just an old lady I'm stuck with... I mean, sure, no blood relation. But through marriage and she is DD's grandmother... so, yeah.

Enough with the 'old' on this thread, already. (not just the OP)

How old is she anyway?

I'm often surprised here at how much tolerance older Mil type of people are meant to have but dil type of people are meant to have none in response. I'm sure Mil seldom came across young women in her day sporting a tattoo and boxing other women for fun so maybe try and walk in her shoes for a few minutes. Tolerance and understanding should go both ways. I couldn't care less what my dss future wives wear or enjoy for leisure but two of my pet hates are tattoos and martial arts, women or men. They won't know that though. But people need to remember that older people were brought up a different way and trying to deliberately shock them for sport is very cruel. Everybody doesn't have to love everything that everyone else does, young or old.

MIL is 64 (....?). She could be 63, I'm not 100% sure, tbh. In her early 60ies.

june I have never shocked MIL for sport. Sure, it has been tempting on occasion but I have never done so. It's useless.

I could make a list of all my 'grievances' concerning MIL. And yes, some of them were genuinely disrespectful. Not just about being shocked.
I have a Catholic grandma from a little village in the mountains of Southern Italy. I know conservative old ladies.
But some of the things MIL has done were very very rude. And the fact that she does them with a smile on her face make me feel like I never know when she's fake unless she's obviously huffy or throwing me her eye. Although, now that do I write this. How can I know she's actually even huffy and not just pretending to be?

It needs two to tango. Yes, I agree. I'm not saying I'm blameless. But some of the things she has done are just so not ok.

Looked it up. She's 63.

And a feminist.

You dont have to like her. And she doesn't have to like you. Her primary relationship is with your dp and your child. So long as you can maintain a courteous acquaintanceship that's all you need.

Sorry op it wasn't you who was trying to shock for sport. It was poster sending pictures of gloves covering tattoo.

if somebody told me to either remove or cover my tattoo whilst DH had 2 full sleeves and was wearing a short sleeved shirt (Btw, DH has no tattoos). I'd also be unhappy. Which seemed to have been the reason for that particular poster being quite provocative.

Which, as I said is useless and somewhat unreasonable but also very understandable. Or am I so off here....? Most people get angry when confronted with very obvious double standards.

Russel mutual respect, not best friends.

june 1hiratio I was the one trying to shock for sport.

Childish yes. Will it solve any issues? No. will it make things worse ? Probably. Will I do it? No. will I cover my tattoo up? No. I would only do this is the bride asked. And if it was anywhere remotely noticeable. (Its small and on the inside of my wrist)

I have to be the bigger person clearly struggling with this for dh.

emem

I didn't think you're reaction was so out there. As I said, useless and somewhat unreasonable but very understandable. It sounds like there was a clear double standard.

And double standards make people angry.... me included. I hate them.

You could show her a picture of the kind of tattoo I have. Very casually.. 'like, this is what I'm thinking of getting next. I really love the colours and the shading'.

NOT to shock or hurt her. But she may suddenly come to love your very cute sounding birds on the wrist.

She's a pain in the arse. You, however, sound cool and interesting.

Btw. 63 is not an "old lady"

Not sure what I would call her. does that still go under middle aged? When is one old?

But I think it also depends on attitude. Her attitude does seem old fashioned and a bit stiff.

But she has good sides. She dotes on her grandchildren, seems to have been a very caring and supportive mother, is not in the slightest homophobic and actually gets along with most of my parents, siblings, ex...

I mean, I do not like her. And in some way I do believe that is justified, because she really has made comments and has behaved in ways that were not ok. But objectively speaking (if you aren't 'me', her only DIL, btw) she's fine.

what happens if you confront her when she pulls this shit?

eg. are you cold horatio? want to put your jacket on?

does my tattoo make you uncomfortable?

then she has to speak up or forever hold her peace. maybe she'll come to accept you in time. since you're interested in keeping the peace and having a meaningful relationship then you have to treat her as you hope things to be, not as they currently are.

"I mean, I do not like her"
That's fine. You don't have to. And she doesn't have to like you either. Her relationship is with her son and her grandchild, and from what you say, she's good at those relationships. You and she only have to be cordial to each other.

And you don't actually have to define anyone by age. She's your mil. So the very strong possibility is that she's older than you.

"having a meaningful relationship"

You don't need a meaningful relationship. Fantastic if you have one. But it's wildly optimistic to expect two people of different generations who are thrown together more or less by chance to have a "meaningful relationship"

I did not define her by age....?

She hasn't been being cordial.

eddie

The only time we have tried actual/real confrontation was about food (which she insisted in making but then did not do what she said she would and then was offended by me not eating it anymore) and us not coming every Sunday anymore, which was a huge drama. Despite us going once a month and she seeing DD and DH once a week. One would think it would be better to see me less often (which is basically the effect of the new arrangement), but it apparently isn't so.