AIBU to think MIL dislikes me? AIBU to dislike her?

[1horatio]

So, in the beginning MIL and I got a long. I get along with FIL and the other in laws.

MIL have butted head over my eating habits (I am much into a certain sport which required me to make weight and I still try do train as much as possible [seeing as I'm the main provider financially and DH and I have a baby daughter that's less often than I would like] and every health
professional I've ever had to speak about diet thought my eating habits were great/adequate).

MIL is a very smiley and polite person. It takes some time to understand that she's just being very subtle with her dislikes...

MIL doesn't like 'my' sport or that DH and the LO go and see me train (because he wants our LO to know what a 'badass her mummy is', well, I think she's too small to understand but I love that DH understands that i want to share this part of life with the.)
But it's apparently the wrong place for a kid.... even though they're usually 'watching' me train a bunch of little girls!!! (And DH is often speaking to their parents or other people that train here. He's starting to learn sooo much about my sport, I love that.)

She made a huge fuss when we told her that we wouldn't come over anymore very Sunday (it's once a month now and she usually meets with DH and LO under the week). But I only have the weekend with DH and LO and one morning a week. I want to make the most of my weekends. (And no, we didn't tell her like that).

This weekend we went to meet them and ate out (in a spot MIL knew quite a few people. Not a place that requires formal wear). I wore a green sleeveless silk blouse and a blazer. When I took off the blazer one sees my tattoos and she made this weird noise. Made a face and asked me a few minutes later whether I wasn't feeling cold without my blazer?!
I think I'm not fancy enough in her opinion...? Maybe, idk. It's weird. She has this way that (now that Imknow her better) I know she dislikes something. And I have asked DH before and he agreed with me. So, yeah.

I feel like I'm being a good daughter in law. I don't restrict access to the LO, I'd never badmouth her or disrespect her and I always offer to help in the kitchen. And we dress the LO in the clothes she gave us...
But apparently I'm not? Grr. Im spitting mad!!!
Or am I being culturally insensitive (I'm not from the UK)?

Oh, and one of the only habits of DH I hate (wrong parking and sometimes driving too fast) he got from her!
Or at least she does that too. Why bend the law? for a few more minutes? And it's also dangerous.

If you have advice then that's also great, I'd totally appreciate it. But I also just want to rant! Oops...

Parrots

Thank you. But I am feeling like a stupid stereotype, complaining about MIL. The woman is a (self-proclaimed) feminist. She should not mind women having tattoos.
Bayl yup. I guess.

Sky
That sounda horrible. I hate people policing the bodies.of others.

I'll admit, certain parts of my family did not know what to think of DH (somebody tried to be nice and offer him a job. He convinced them that he did not want it and was happy with being a SATD...)

I know I may sound difficult (I understand people being weirded out by my diet or the fact that I like my hobby) but I am genuinely trying

And I do not want to escalate it because she is her fucking grandma
That is important. It's not that I want us to braid our hair and have a sleepover. But I want us to respect each other.

Would it be silly to suggest family therapy? Or a bonding weekend?

She wasnt so flat-bready back then

You can't change her attitude or mentality. She seems to have a fixed idea of what a woman/her son's wife should be,wear,do etc and she won't change that.
Tbh i would seriously reconsider her looking after DD regularly when she is so set in her ways,as it's very likely she'll try to impose those ideas on your DD,especially since she might feel she has to overcompensate for your "bad" influences.

I wore a green sleeveless silk blouse and a blazer. When I took off the blazer one sees my tattoos and she made this weird noise. Made a face and asked me a few minutes later whether I wasn't feeling cold without my blazer?!
This gives me naughty ideas for my own

"I've sent her a picture of my gloves (full length black silk from a fancy dress party) which I'll be wearing. On the beach. In my maxi dress. For the wedding."

Why on Earth are you playing along if you claim to find her attitude silly?

You can have a bit of fun here by doing the things she dislikes even more , every time you get a criticism flip it back to her , are you too cold without your blazer ? No why do you say that are you cold would you like to borrow my blazer , also your dh should be pulling her up on her criticising , dont try and please her you sound like a great role model for your dd

You can have a bit of fun here by doing the things she dislikes even more

Yes, that would be fun. But unfortunately too unproductive. And although DH is generally quite supportive...

elfontheshelf?
It's admittedly one of the view pieces of clothing I have that actually shows off most of my piece (the blouse shows no cleavage but the upper part of my back...It's not revealing or inappropriate, btw. No brastraps or anything visible). So, it's possible that this was the first time MIL saw the offending pieces of skin in 'all their glory'...

Actually. She has seen me in swimwear so that's not possible.

Tbh i would seriously reconsider her looking after DD regularly when she is so set in her ways,as it's very likely she'll try to impose those ideas on your DD,especially since she might feel she has to overcompensate for your "bad" influences

I know. And seeing as DD is obviously female... I am truly worried about that.

you sound like a great role model for your dd
I guess. Her main rolemodel is DH tbh
Or will be, I guess. He's the primary caretaker (which, I don't begrudge him. Somebody has to work, and it only makes sense that thia is me. But I am thinking of working for an uncle's firm. It would require more travelling but also much more flexibility and time at home. Because I an missing out. Which is why I refuse to spend Sundays at MILs house. Which DH very much supports.

He is quite supportive as far as this is concerned. But he also desires harmony. And wants MIL in DD's life. Sooo... Sigh

Everytime she makes a rude or passive aggressive comment, just ask her to repeat it. It will either make her stop and think or hopefully show her up. You have a perfect excuse of not understanding her because your English is apparently bad.
She sounds a bit racist actually.
I wouldn't worry too much about her influence on your dd. I grew up with a racist homophobic mother and maternal family and I have completely different views to them.

I am feeling sad in a surreal way, my parents in law are visiting us from abroad and plan to live with us for 4 weeks, they have visited us every year for the past ten years and every time I am absolutely filled with dread. My MIL is self absorbed and narcissistic and dosent have a single nice thing to say to me, my FIL is flaky and fake and repulses me, my husband knows I hate them coming over but still announces that they're coming in July or august or October without giving any credit to my feelings, and when they do come, I have such a miserable experience that I'm reeling for weeks and months after. It's affecting my life and sanity.,What should I do?

You have a perfect excuse of not understanding her because your English is apparently bad.

It's ok when I'm writing (or at least when I am paying attention and not typing on my phone with a broken screen...)
But I do have an accent. Especially when emotional. Your Rs... In words like world. The rl combination is awful. (for my tongue. So I just don't pronounce the r in world at all... Oops)

Well, MIL is not homophobic. Which is nice. I'm not worried MIL would impart nasty world views (which she may not have. She may just dislike me, there do not need to be any 'isms' involved).
But Idk. Family is important. I would not try to take that from DH or DD. But Idk. Right now I just don't see MIL spending a lot of one on one time with DD.

I really wish family therapy or something was an option.

myriad

That's awful. MIL always complains that she has to take off her shoes in our home (she has fancy personalised slippers!!)

Could you book many spa days? Go visit family? Does DH know how it makes you feel?

I always remind myself that MIL must have many great qualities. She is DH's mother after all. So... Yah.

Just remember that relationships - especially with family - are not linear. She may absolutely adore you but not like these few things about it you because they jar with what she thinks is proper. You could have written your post about my gran - and she liked me, but she was also a PITA about imparting her ''wisdom". I say, come on mumsnet and rant away, but I wouldn't consider taking it furter or removing contact. Best to stay cordial and build on what commonalities you do have - maybe casually explain why the training is really good for girl and self image and how its not like in her day...

YANBU to either things in the title!
I remember your other pre-fight post too.
Definitely don't spend every Sunday at MIL's. You need time to relax with your DD and DH and not have to be on your best behaviour for 6 days a week. Your DH sounds like he's got your back and is proud of you so I'm not sure if I would try and make a big deal out of her seeing your DD alone as it doesn't sound like she does at the moment. To me it sounds like DH would stop any comments about you. I'd still be sensitive to it and if she did have a habit of putting you down in front of DH/DD then I'd deal with it then. At the moment it sounds like she's just huffing about things rather than saying she doesn't like something.

pop

So, she feels free to criticise me because she thinks we're close enough to do so? Then why doesn't she say it to my face?

This guesswork is driving me crazy! Why huff and puff? She could be huffing because the chair was uncomfortable, she didn't like the tattoo, didn't like me, was just in a huffing mood... I mean, whyyy? I'm way too emotionally dense to understand this sh*t.

I will not remove contact. I used to be/am very close to my cousins (my siblings are much younger than me), so I'd never take that from DD.

And yes, DH does support me. But when I ask him about some behaviours he sometimes gives these none-answers and makes puppy eyes. Or decides that he just has to read this article.

altiara we only go over once a month nowadays. I need Sundays with DD and DH.

And yes, DH is the best. I mean, obviously in my opinion. But it's like fatherhood made him more attractive

Yes, we alreaday butted head on pregnancy diets (despite my diet being created by a nutritionist person, my midwife liking it and I even asked our doctor. So... idk. But I understood that food may be showing love in her opinion and I eat her food once a month. Well, no pudding. But that's ok, I think)

IIRC from your other threads, your culture is one of them furrin direct and clear ones. Where you say what you mean.

The British culture often isn't and you will drive yourself insane if you expect that from MIL. She just isn't capable of doing it. Stop trying to read between her lines, just treat everything with a smile (no mil, I'm toasty warm actually ). Stop giving her headspace, in other words.

It actually doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or respect you; it means she doesn't understand you. And instead of just asking, it's easier to flat-bread around in a PA fashion. PA PITA.

Semi-direct, I'd say. There are things we do not talk about unless you are super duper close (money, religion, politics).

And British people are in many ways more open. But I think back home it's more a case of... 'if you care about it badly enough you complain and tell what the f* is going on. Or it isn't that bad anyway. Or you know that complaining will be useless. So, move on.' But maybe that's just me, and not really a cultural difference.

Idk, it's just different. Certainly less subtle than in the UK. But definitely more stilted and polite than for example Germany (in my experience).

And all the people being like... yes, I remember your thread. That's super surprising... I'm starting to get a tad paranoid that somebody from a DH's family is going to see this. Or one of the parents of the girls I teach is sitting behind the computer and being like... 'huh, how interesting. That sounds like my DD's instructor.' Oops...

She wasnt so flat-bready back then
That's got to be one of the best things I've read
Seriously though just ignore her. She sounds like a nightmare.

I now imagine somebody saying 'you flatbread' and then flouncing off.

Whereas the other person would stand there with this really puzzled look... 'huh?'

I happen to find this quite entertaining. Laughing at my own jokes. Oops

I'm also a very different type of woman to my mil. I have worried in the past and now and again about how that works out. Briefly I'm from a line of professional outspoken women she's very much more traditional. But we like each other even tho sometimes were puzzled by each other. It helps that I have interest in some things that interest her. Dress making. But possibly also helps that we live in different countries! Sometimes her approach to things winds me up but I feel she's well intentioned towards me and I can let things go. Esp the faff about weight and being feminine. We just have different taste. I like mine. She likes hers.
My fil is harder because he's more goady. He basically said at our wedding speech that he just doesn't get it.
A lot of the women being a certain way thing is very much reinforced by him. My sil has a borderline eating disorder and generally I can tune that stuff out just by thinking on how destructive this stuff is. But a few years ago he had his neighbour come over for a reading session of an anti-immigration book while we were visiting during Christmas period. I'm mixed race. It hurt - He csn have his views but ghe disrespect of doing this when I'm just sitting there got to me. It helps I can talk freely with dh about his family. I don't feel like I have to put up a front with him so if things aren't going well I focus on being polite or civil and reconcile myself to a lack of common ground. Interestingly I kept a dignified silence about the immigration thing despite fil angling and mil and sil were ashamed of him. For me it's put getting his approval very low on my list of things I want which makes him easy to shake off mentally. He doesn't like me well...gosh I find I don't care much.
Reaching that headspace has been key for me

But a few years ago he had his neighbour come over for a reading session of an anti-immigration book while we were visiting during Christmas period. I'm mixed race. It hurt

Oh wow. That's so fudging rude (is swearing against mumsnet guide lines? Idk. I think I've sworn before on mumsnet...).

I'm quite happy I'm on my computer, yesterday (typing in my phone with the little screen) I felt like my answers were a bit lacking considering some of the very thoughtful comments!

Anyhow, I don't think MIL has done anything bad enough to warrant being thought of like your FIL. My complaints seem like nothing next to so open disrespect. Open racism or homophobia would mean I wouldn't let MIL spend a lot of one on one time with DD when DD is older.

Maybe I should just stop thinking about what she might be thinking/trying to say (she is for example still quite upset about our chairs/interior design in general).

It's just frustrating. But considering what you just wrote you probably understand that and have more reasons to complain.

Sometimes she just makes me want to... Idk. Tear my hair out (which she wants me to style differently... which, no thank you. I cut my hair myself and it always ends up being very straight)

And the speed limits and the parking. 'Nobody ever drives on this road. We've always parked here. We're in a hurry...' the exactly same excuse DH uses. Whyyy? Parking regulations and speed limits. In place for a very good reason. You do not do stupid and dangerous stuff for 5 more mins. You do NOT do it. (I've had several discussions on this, which is why I'm probably sounding a bit exasperated. Sorry!)

On the other hand, because MIL has never done anything truly outrageous I do still care about her opinion. And actually feel surprisingly offended by MIL daring to voice her negative opinion on chairs... which I know, it's silly.

I know that these things may seem super silly. But they accumulate.

Like her opinion about me speaking Swiss Germans with DD.

There's something very odd to me about a self-proclaimed feminist who is criticising another woman for having tattoos. I do think sometimes people are able to put their principles aside in order to develop a position that allows them to criticise others. I've seen this happen in my own family with a self-proclaimed 'feminist' who suddenly became anti-abortion in order to criticise her sister.

Here's the thing: I don't think you have to like this woman, and nor does she have to like you. You sound like you want to maintain some kind of functional, working relationship, but you can do that politely and gracefully without being bessie mates. A key thing here is for you to be able not to need her approval, and genuinely not to care whether she likes your tattoos or your chairs. That is a state that is much easier to talk about than actually to achieve! I am still working on it with my own MIL who is quite possibly the bossiest woman on the planet, and who compounds that undermining bossiness with a real lack of tact! At the start it was awful because DH and I didn't work as a team to set clear boundaries, and we just got bullied and overridden. A key moment was DH realising that setting boundaries was normal and healthy and could actually put the whole relationship on a more sustainable footing for the future. When we started to work together as a team, the situation became more manageable.

I think not feeling the need to be friends or have common ground makes it easier. Certainly since the anti immigrant stuff I find my fil easier to pack away in the asshole box. You are right that low level stuff is wearing. I think there is z difference between seeing the nose wrinkle at your chairs (ignore) and endless comments. Tk which at some point upholstery could just say. I have understood you don't like them but I do. Is there any further point uou want to make by saying this? Wait for a response. Not challenge just straight questioning with ghdn clear message that once you've covered the turf you won't revisit it again. Passive aggressive stuff just quails and dies if you to that v calmly. Key is calm tho

to be honest i dont like fighting sports and i hate tattoos on women .but if you made my boy happy i would just suck it up and certainly not pass comment all that matters is my sons happyness

aprilanne

My mother doesn't like either. She's a bit of a hippie (not necessarily in a bad way at all): 'so, you like getting your head bashed in? Doing that to others?'. 'Mamma, it's not about headbashing!' 'So, then what's it about...?! All this violence, and bruteness and it isn't even elegant.' 'Ok, mamma...'

She blames my father ;) and probably would have preferred me being into expressive dance (not that it's wrong to be into expressive dance. I'm just really really not.) but who knows, maybe she'll have a granddaughter that likes this kind of stuff. And then I could ask DD: 'why do you like this?!' (Just kidding, DD gets to like whatever she wants. Within reason. Obviously.)

But... I do think DH is happy, well, mostly. I mean, not everyday always 24/7. You sound like a great mother :)

You sound like you want to maintain some kind of functional, working relationship, but you can do that politely and gracefully without being bessie mates. A key thing here is for you to be able not to need her approval, and genuinely not to care whether she likes your tattoos or your chairs. That is a state that is much easier to talk about than actually to achieve!

Yes to everything. Also because in some way I do respect her. I may not particularly like her but she is quite formidable.

As for feminists not liking tattoos. Well, there are so many different kind of feminist. Sex-positive, sex-negative (evolution of the swimsuit), TERFs, trans inclusive, Muslim feminists, Buddhist feminists, anarcho-feminists, corporate ones etc.
So... I mean, sure, it's kind of weird. But I wouldn't want to talk with her to exactly find out what kind she is. Talking about politics with somebody you don't really get along with and have the right kind of relationship is a recipe for disaster.

last

Calm isn't really a challenge for me. But... ok. Sometimes I have to take time to realize why I'm upset/annoyed. So, it may happen that she does something that I find troubling and I can feel yes, I'm getting negative emotions. But sometimes I only realise on the way home why I'm getting them/what exactly upset me. And that I'm not just a little bit upset but actually genuinely hurt and angry. As I said, emotionally dense, sometimes.

Uhm, does that make sense? Idk.