Aibu to get divorced because dh won't do the dishes?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Just that really. Would you ever consider it good enough grounds for divorce if your dh never ever did any housework, regardless of circumstances? You like everything else about him.

Katsu - sorry that was ambiguous of me. I didn't mean nicely as in beg, just in a normal voice rather than a ranty, shouty one.

Fake - he's fine with childcare. I do it in the week cos I'm home, and it's evenly split (ish) in evenings/weekends. He does the garden. He contributes 80% of household income.

Sort - I do all the washing of clothes. I don't iron, so if he wants something ironed - for golf not work I should add - then he does it.

Bucket - I do criticise it because, tbf, he's bloody useless at it. But stupid things - like he'll clean work tops with dirty cloths, making it worse or if he's to hang the washing up, he'll lay it on our underfloor heating all over the place. So, justified critism tbh. But, I don't ask him to do the above things, I'd probably ask him to vacuum which he can do fine.

Watch out for "incompetence" at things you ask him to do and he does badly. It can be a way of getting you to think "might as well do it myself."

So, if you've cooked you've also to clean up because you made the mess?!

That's fucking ridiculous. Does he live on oxygen alone and no food? No, I presume he EATS the food you make and messes up his own plate. Get him to fucking wash them.

FWIW, when I lived at home (I'm 25 now), whoever cooked doesn't clean up. The others do. So whenever I go to my mums for Christmas/dinner/birthday lunch etc, we do the dishes. If I made dinner one night, someone else cleans up.

Get him told.

Even if you you afford to have a cleaner - they are not there to do everything.
It's a serious lack of respect on his part. He knows what he is doing (by not doing).

Even if you can afford a cleaner that should say..

arethereanyleftatall So, justified critism tbh.
I get you think it's justified, and it probably is.
But if you criticise him and never thank him for doing something he doesn't normally do, then maybe he's view is 'why should I bother?'.

Take my DH the other day I was in the shower, he was brushing his teeth in the sink that is beside the shower. He was in so much of his own world he didn't notice me spraying the shower (which he has asked me to do to make the big clean-up easier at the end of the week). I got out of the shower started drying and then he went into the shower to spray it. I had literally done it in front of him, but because he assumes I don't do it, he just does it - again.

So the question is why should i bother, if when I do something it counts for nought? Maybe he feels put off in the same way.

PS: I do it because it's not fair on him and I'd prefer to make life easier for him.
B

I wouldn't divorce him....because I wouldnt have married him, or had children with him.

You knew what he was like all along, so why now?

OP - I think the question you have to ask yourself is, on balance, what does he actually contribute to your family. Ok, so it's not housework obviously. So is the fact that he's good with the kids and the main earner enough? Only you can answer that.

My DH sounds a bit similar to yours in that he grew up with staff. You can't get people to do what they don't see unfortunately. Also in many cultures, men are brought up to believe that their responsibility is to provide financially and anything else is a bonus. It's a job to reprogram this.

To my mind, if he isn't prepared to do ANYTHING then, as per his upbringing, he will have to accept cleaners are the way forward. My DH does nothing in the house but he works mega hours. I have a cleaner in 3 times a week, but I doubt he's even aware of this. God knows what he thinks goes on tbh. Of course there's still all the day to day tidying, cooking, laundry, etc, but it definitely helps. Like your DH, mine is great with our 4 kids and has loads of energy for that.

But if you just think he's lazy and useless on all fronts then it's hard to respect that.

Bucket - but why would I thank him for sometimes contributing to cleaning up mess he has contributed to? He doesn't thank me, and I don't expect him to, otherwise we'd be constantly thanking each other. I'm sure I'd notice if he sprayed the shower, im 100% confident he wouldn't.

User - I married him because he's funny, intelligent and laid back, and I really enjoy talking to him. He's a great father.

Mad - Dh is happy to pay for a cleaner, but it isn't the weekly clean that I have issues with, it's that it's constantly me doing all the little day to day things, even on a weekend. Short of a live in maid, that has to fall to either me or him.

He dries clothes by putting them on the floor?! Doesnt that make them dirty again?

Yes well I definitely get you there because it's the same in this house, though he will take all the kids off camping or out for the day. I'm not working though so I kind of don't mind giving him the break in evenings / weekends. How many hours are you working? And it sounds like your DC are still pre-school too?

Could you start from a discussion about agreeing what sort of home you want your children to grow up in? E.g. kitchen usually clean, clean clothes in their wardrobes, floors hoovered once a week or whatever. Then say we need to identify how we make that happen because to do it all (produce list of stuff) takes x hours per week. At the moment I do x and you do y. Then you can discuss whether the balance is fair and talk to the principle that you should have equal leisure time.

The argument "I don't care about a clean bathroom /I'd rather have a takeaway than cook" just doesn't work when you run a household. He is not a single person. He either needs to do his share or pay (from HIS disposable fun income) for someone else to do it.

my DH in my opinion is borderline OCD.He moans how I do it and I have other little jobs that he'd prefer not to do

Can I just issue a gentle reminder that ocd isn't synonymous with 'extremely tidy and ordered'. It's a serious mental health condition which at worst ruins lives.

Thank you, as you were.

Op I couldn't live like this. If he has the money for takeaways does he at least have a money to get you all a cleaner. Not that that's the point.

arethereanyleftatall
If he doesn't normally do things and he does it, saying thank you let's him know he is appreciated for making the effort (not necessarily for doing the thing). It's a slow process to get someone to change their habits (being lazy is simply a habit, that needs to be changed). I thank my DH all the time, for little things that are unusual for him to do.

You've put up with it for a while, so change will take a while. Talk seriously with him about how it makes you feel, leave him to deal with his stuff as a starting point, then go from there.

I can't imagine my DH thinking of divorce because I'm messy, especially since I have put to up with his family - two things we've known about each other before we moved in much less got married and had a family.

Thank you bucket, wise words.

Mad & egg - I'm going to work this out now...

Me:
Hw - 10 hours per week
Cooking -,2 hours per week
Admin - 5 hours per week
Childcare weekly 3-6pm - 15 hours per week (ignore rest as it's split 50/50ish)
Shopping - 2 hours per week
Oohw - 15 hours per week.
Equals - 49 hours per week

Him -works ooh about 35 hours per week.

Interesting.

If it bothers you then its a problem.

I used to do all the housework - but then I was quite happy to as I was a SAHM for 8 years.

It seems that its a cultural thing though and you need to explain to him why its an issue rather than just issuring an ultimatum

Expand on that ^ by writing 'job descriptions' for your weekends and his. So there are 6 weekend meals - sounds like you prepare 5-6 and clear up after 6/6. And so on for each thing that needs doing at the weekend.
Then ask him what you've missed. Be prepared to add in some stuff that he does that you've overlooked.
And then together look at it. When facts are laid out in black and white then anyone who is not totally unselfish can see it. Then you could together write new ones and devise a fairer system.
If he still won't address it then you're married to someone incredibly selfish and you can make a deaciion about your marriage with all the facts.

I would say that I consider it extremely destructive for children to see one parent belittling the other (which is how it manifests, even if that isn't the intention) like this.

I reckon you have under counted cooking - really only 2h per week?

I iron for my DH because that's how he knows he is loved. He cooks for us to show his love for us all. Are you talking to him about how under appreciated etc. you feel rather than just the task?

Divorce? Over this? Mumsnet at its considerable worst.

Divorce? Over this? Mumsnet at its considerable worst

No you're right, OP defintely should carry on acting as her husbands domestic slave, no matter how much it upsets her.