Aibu to get divorced because dh won't do the dishes?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Just that really. Would you ever consider it good enough grounds for divorce if your dh never ever did any housework, regardless of circumstances? You like everything else about him.

Ask him, genuinely, why he thinks he's better than you.

That's what it boils down to.

Ah, so he's never actually had to be a grown up and look after himself properly, then?

It would be a dealbreaker for me, I'm afraid. There's nothing more unnattractive than a man-child who has no idea how to clean up after themselves.

Definitely talk to him, definitely say that you're losing respect for him. Even if you do just suck it up and do the dishes, you'll just resent him more and more.

It's time he grew up and stopped acting like you're his bloody maid service! Sounds like the dishes are a good place to start. You cook, he washes up after the meal. What would be his response to that? Not you asking him every single day to do it, but from now on it's his job.

This is what I can't decide wellerrr. Whether he does think that, or whether he justvreally really hates hw.

Nobody loves housework, but it's part and parcel of being an adult! He doesn't get to opt out because he doesn't like it!

Sortall - he is of the, unusual, opinion that whoever cooks should clean up, as they've made the mess, and he would be just as happy with a takeaway or meal that wouldn't make any mess.

If my husband didn't contribute equally towards household chores (either by physically doing them, or by contributing the money for a cleaner/housekeeper) then I'd ditch him in a heart beat.

But, then, I suppose I would have never married someone like that. I want a life partner, not a adult-child to play 'mother' to (there are if course, women who do want this and are happy to cook/clean/care for a capable adult, and as long as it's a choice I have no problem with that. Just not a choice I would ever make!).

The whole point of a life partner to me is having someone to make the tough/boring/awful bits of life easier, and to share the lovely/fun/special bits with. If they are ditching the dull bits on you without your agreement they are using you.

I'm stealing ArfArf's line about the domestic appliance - that was genius.

Ask him, genuinely, why he thinks he's better than you.
^This

he is of the, unusual, opinion that whoever cooks should clean up, as they've made the mess, and he would be just as happy with a takeaway or meal that wouldn't make any mess

OMG have you married me ex??!!

is is what I can't decide wellerrr. Whether he does think that, or whether he justvreally really hates hw

He does think it. I'm sorry.

I'm guessing you don't love housework either?

How can you even fancy a fool like that? He doesn't live with his mum now and he no longer has a maid. Does he not even have a tiny modicum of intelligence?

Yuck.

Total deal breaker for me but then I weeded this sort of shite out at the application stage, if you see what I mean.

I think you'd be perfectly justified in getting a cleaner under these circumstances if you want to stay with him despite the lazy disrespectful attitude, but he still needs to do the washing up if you've cooked. That's like Rule One of life.

YANBU to be unhappy about this. YWBU to LTB without sitting him down for a full and frank discussion about how crappy it makes you feel (without mentioning that you've considered leaving him over it, the first time you mention it!).

Sounds like he doesn't refuse, he just only does the one thing you've asked him to do and doesn't take any initiative? And if he thinks whoever cooked should also clean up afterwards he'd better cook at least 50% of every weekend, hadn't he?

Actually, I prefer the 'if you cooked you clean up' rule because I am very economical in how little mess I make myself and can't bear cleaning up after someone who makes the kitchen a bomb site. But it only works if everything is fairly equal generally.

Actually, I prefer the 'if you cooked you clean up' rule because I am very economical in how little mess I make myself and can't bear cleaning up after someone who makes the kitchen a bomb site. But it only works if everything is fairly equal generally.

Yes I also prefer it if you both cook equally. But when I was the only person who cooked and ex would say 'lets go out' or 'lets get a take away' if I said I didn't want to cook... it is a bit annoying!

Reading between the lines, I'm getting that he doesn't do hw because he doesn't care if it's a mess? rather than he feels it's beneath him and you SHOULD do it? I wouldn't threaten divorce unless you're truly prepared to go through with it, if you're saying it to shake him up a bit. He needs a serious conversation though.

"he is of the, unusual, opinion that whoever cooks should clean up, as they've made the mess, and he would be just as happy with a takeaway or meal that wouldn't make any mess"

He can make his own fecking dinner then, can't he.

I think it's circumstantial. If my DH contributed 100% of the household income, and it had been agreed that my household contribution was 100% of the housework, then fair enough (as long as he was respectful and not creating a disproportionate amount of mess).

But in this case, no it's not on. I would sit him down and say that if you are contributing x amount income and childcare to the household, he needs to contribute an equalish amount in housework. Work out what you feel is shared responsibilities. If he refuses, dump the idle bastard.

What does asking him "nicely" entail ? Does he essentially make you beg him for help with just one thing? Because that doesn't sound like someone who's generally nice I'm afraid.

I'd love to have his life, never having to do a jot of domestic labour ever. Did he help with the children when they were little?

Yep I'd dump his ass.
you're his skivvy - that's how he sees you.
What did his last slave die of?
divorce is too good for him, but its a great start.

I had to have this exact conversation with dp in the beggining
along the lines of "I have no idea why you think your free time is more important than mine ( he didn't really just hates housework and is untidy ) you do your share or is over I am not a slave "
Soon upped his game !

I, ironically, left the thread there to do half an hour of housework! And, yes I do enjoy hw - I put my music on full blast and happily dance about. I'd much rather do that than be at work.

You're right sandy - he doesn't care about mess whatsoever. There's no expectation of me to either clean or cook, but it wouldn't happen if I didn't.

Does he wash his own clothes?

I generally don't do housework.

Mostly because my DH in my opinion is borderline OCD, he's at home more often /earlier than I am. He moans how I do it and I have other little jobs that he'd prefer not to do.

I actually got upset with him when he started ironing. I was getting round to do it (I mean I put up the ironing board, so it was clear I was going to do it), just not in his timescale.

Sometimes he says it would be nice if we all helped and I have to show the kids, as they tend to take the easier option (which is my option). I agree with him, but I'm lazy and it will get done just not in his timescale, which means he ends up doing it. It's not fair, so I try to make a concerted effort, but it doesn't help that I just don't want to do it.

Have you ever criticised the way he does things, or do you go over what he has done, as if he never did it? (my DH has done this to me, it's annoying and offensive).

I think a conversation is good to have in this instance. I don't think it's a divorce reason unless he does not see your value, but that's a different matter.

B