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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be pissed at mil

78 replies

Smartiepuf · 11/12/2016 21:03

I posted the other day about my mil taking over our specisl events with our lo - nipping in there with all the 'firsts', taking over at xmas, easter....you name it.

My mil has now booked a xmas experience xmas eve which is a good hours drive away and basically means my lo routine will be fucked - dinner time will be whilst out and they wont be going to bed until a good 2-3 hours after their bedtime.

Im pissed off as it was a xmas experience i wanted us to do - the 3 of us, but dismissed in the end because of the timing being so rubbish. Im annoyed as its been booked (we have been asked to pay though!) and as usual there is no consultation and she is taking over again!!!

My partner says iabu but i dont agree.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 12/12/2016 09:11

YANBU. She booked a big faffy trip on xmas eve without asking you and wants you to pay for it yourself! I would thank her profusely but say it isn't really practical and she should have asked you first as you don't have the spare money anyway.

DearTeddyRobinson · 12/12/2016 09:17

'No way DH, that's a mad idea, we're not doing it. Will you tell MIL or will I?'
And tell him in future all such 'fun' ideas MUST be run past you or it's an automatic veto. If your DH doesn't have the balls to tell his mother no, then you will have to be twice as ballsy. Sorry I know it's easy to say when it's not your own family but I am a bitch

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2016 09:20

You can still say No.

You can explain all your reasoning to your DP and then put your foot down.

And then point out that if he overrules you he can deal with the fractiousness of Christmas day.

ememem84 · 12/12/2016 09:30

Just say no. You already have plans and can't afford it.

Then let dh deal with his mother

Classic from my mil was buying dh rugby tickets for his birthday 2 years ago. On a day we couldn't go.

She paid for the tickets then told me I'd have to pay for flights (were in Channel Islands rugby was in Cardiff) and hotel. I had zero time off work the match was a week before an exam and dh couldn't find anyone else to go with. Flights weren't expensive £200 return for 2 but only flew direct on a Tuesday. We'd have to travel to London then train which was more expensive.

She got the hump. Because I refused to "just take a weeks worth of unpaid leave"

We sold the tickets.

Original poster
Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 12:04

Ememem...had a similar thing here (recurrent actually!). Mil paid to hire a narrowboat for 2 days (£70)....but it required taking several days off work as it was midweek, then we had to pay extra to use it during school holidays....and even more to actually get to where it was (the other end of the country!) ....Oh, and i was also HEAVILY pregnant so sleeping on a small plank of wood on a boat miles away from home (and the hospital) was not top of my to do list list. That 'gift' ended up costing US about £700 by the time we had to pay for everything !!!

She does these things all the sodding time.

OP posts:
WhitePhantom · 12/12/2016 12:11

As long as you keep caving in and going along with it, she'll keep doing it. I presume she didn't kidnap you and hold you hostage on the boat? You went of your own accord (albeit unwillingly) - that was your mistake. Just say no. Just don't go. She can't force you to unless you let her.

Original poster
Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 12:13

Glad im not alone with an annoying mil. If it was one or two things i could deal....but its every special event - either intrudes by buying something we all have to do with no consultation (to ensure she is involved) or buys a gift that we then have to put loads more money to in order to actually use it (so she can make out shes bought us something fantastic...when in fact it works out that we have been forced to pay for something we dont want to do)

Never forget her trying to hijac our wedding by organising surprises for HER friends that were attending abd one for us that was, frankly, embarrassing

If i believed she had us in mind when doing even galf what she does it wouldnt grate so much. Fact is, she just likes to show off and be the central focus of everything all the time.

She and my oh dad parted ways years ago (oh doesnt see him) so there is no-one at home to tell her to stop being a self-serving twat.

OP posts:
ememem84 · 12/12/2016 12:14

smartie the annoying thing was that I had planned on getting us rugby tickets for dh's birthday anyway. Just for an earlier game (I wanted England NZ (at twickenham) she bought Wales NZ). I stupidly told her what I was buying dh. So that was my mistake.

I don't tell her much now. Much easier. (Also helps that she's moved back to NZ).

She was mightily pissed off when last year for dh's 30th I scored us pitch side tickets for rugby World Cup qualifier NZ Argentina. And then (through work) tickets for the final.

Original poster
Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 12:21

White...i know what you are saying. Basically my oh dad left the scene a few years ago (for soneone else, cant say i blame him!) and she massively plays on the 'im all alone in the world' card with my oh. She is a master at manipulation so my oh feels sorry for her and doesnt want to upset her. Whenever we discuss it i come off as heartless. She doesnt like me as before me she had my oh to herself and hates that he has a family of hus own (jealous). She constantly does things sneakily that she knows will look kind on the surface but that will cause tension between us. - classic being the subject of this thread, arranging something at an inconvenient time that will cause us a shit load of grief and probably spoil xmas day - (but its 'for the baby' so if i say anything im a horrible mother aswell as an ungrateful dil!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 12:23

Emem....bet her face was a picture! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 12:26
  • i dont tell my mil much anymore either as she has also copied my gift ideas previously. Oh 30th i bought a watch...abd she bought a more expensive one.

Dont want to be in competition with my mil but everything she does tells me that is her very intention 😕

I guess she can only live so long....😉

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 12/12/2016 12:29

A littlie, at a late event, far from home, on Christmas Eve, for their first Christmas, AND where DMIL will not be around to "enjoy" the consequences of that late night?!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

TELL DH that DC will be going to bed at their normal time on Christmas Eve, and that you want your first Christmas as a larger family to be enjoyable rather than dealing with a cranky baby or running around stressed on Christmas Eve. So NO, you will not be going to this event that DMIL was so thoughtful to organize but having unfortunately not checked with you before booking, had not realized the timings would not work.

Hopefully she can get her money back, or enjoy it herself, or send some neighbours to it in her stead or something. But no, put your foot down and say enough is enough.

dinkystinky · 12/12/2016 12:34

Just say no, it doesn't work for your child timingwise OP - maybe another year. If DH wants to go with MIL to it, then he should go ahead - but you and your child can have a cozy night in.

cees · 12/12/2016 12:47

Where is your backbone for God's sake just don't go. The end, no explanation or excuse needed. Your dh and mil are making a right tit outta you and you are letting them.

I would be fuming at someone else mucking up my Xmas plans. No way would I allow that shit.

WinterWinds001 · 12/12/2016 12:58

There is no way I would be taking either my DS(3) or DD(1) somewhere hours away, 2/3 hours past bedtime on Xmas eve, for anyone. Overtired crying toddlers all evening anyone? Fractious and cranky toddlers Xmas morning, who still get up the same time the next day (I think DS once had a 10 minute lie in because he was up 4 hours past bedtime, but that's the extent of that one)

'Sorry DH, we decided not to go due to timings, they haven't changed and neither have the plans, you'd better tell your mother' YANBU

ememem84 · 12/12/2016 12:58

I've started saying no to mil now. She doesn't like it. The last time we saw her she asked did I want to do xyz on my day off (xyz being drive her around to see her mates for endless coffees). I said no as I had things to do (food shop, errands and a riding lesson). I was branded a selfish bitch and she sulked about "having to stay in" (she had her own car while she was here...)

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 12/12/2016 14:05

Op I think the majority of Mil cases I read on here are when the MIL is so entrenched they are simply not easy to deal with. If communication was easy with such persons, then the op wuldnt be on here in the first place, most of the time.

I feel you need to be bright and breezy, " Hi Mil, what a coincidence, I also looked at this experience with the dc, but decided against it due to timing, and its also something I want to do with them, so sorry I know you have already booked it - but its a NO they cant and wont be going, "

end of.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 12/12/2016 14:07

The end, no explanation or excuse needed

I think its in grained in us to be polite but when someone is literally walking over you like this you need to get tough.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 12/12/2016 14:10

(but its 'for the baby' so if i say anything im a horrible mother aswell as an ungrateful dil!)

  1. do you care if she hates you> if you think she thinks your a bad mother? Really>?

  2. do you think you are a bad mother for stopping this trip

  3. you need to stop caring how things seem like this, in my mind you would seem like a weak mother to let your dc go at inappropriate times so as not to upset this woman.

  4. I used to be as polite as I could be to mil, then I realised, after sitting and biting my lip for years, she hates me anyway and I could be princess Diana and she would hate me, because she has issues with her son and jealousy. I have learned the hard way not to care.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 12/12/2016 15:33

Don't go, don't pay, that's it.

Original poster
Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 15:50

Elf, i am in same boat as you with my mil. Could be mother theresa and shed still paint me out to be a bitch.

I will take all comments on board (and ultimately ignore the rude ones telling me to grow a backbone...i have one, thanks).

Will speak to oh when im feeling less angry and tell him how im feeling about this and the impact it will have on our family xmas.

We invited her to ours xmas day but she is busy with friends so im particularly fucked off that she has done this as our xmas day will now be spent dealing with an angry, overtired 13 month old!!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 12/12/2016 16:06

Tell your oh that you hope he has a lovely time with his mother and that you won't be going.

She's going to call you a bitch anyway so you might as well give her a reason. Grin

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/12/2016 16:22

'No way DH, that's a mad idea, we're not doing it. Will you tell MIL or will I?'

This.

BiddyPop · 12/12/2016 16:25

NO - Your Christmas Day will NOT be spent dealing with an angry, overtired 13 month old - because you won't be forcing her (DD) to go to the event on Christmas Eve.

DinosaursRoar · 12/12/2016 16:42

Ok if the event will ruin Christmas Day, why are you even entertaining the idea of going just because the money has been spent?

Talk to your DH - you aren't going, it will ruin Christmas and you'll not forgive him for ruining Christmas rather than saying no to his mum.

Just because the money has been spent does not mean you have to go. You do what's best for your family and DH will have to learn to say no to his mum.

(If you get him to agree that going will be insanity and ruin Christmas, you may be able to sell on the tickets)

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