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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be pissed at mil

78 replies

Smartiepuf · 11/12/2016 21:03

I posted the other day about my mil taking over our specisl events with our lo - nipping in there with all the 'firsts', taking over at xmas, easter....you name it.

My mil has now booked a xmas experience xmas eve which is a good hours drive away and basically means my lo routine will be fucked - dinner time will be whilst out and they wont be going to bed until a good 2-3 hours after their bedtime.

Im pissed off as it was a xmas experience i wanted us to do - the 3 of us, but dismissed in the end because of the timing being so rubbish. Im annoyed as its been booked (we have been asked to pay though!) and as usual there is no consultation and she is taking over again!!!

My partner says iabu but i dont agree.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/12/2016 21:56

I would be more pissed at your DH for not supporting you on this matter, it's clear MIL is overstepping the boundaries.

ragdoll700 · 11/12/2016 22:03

I was on the fence leaning towards just suck it up and go till I saw its Christmas eve no way would I go on that day that's a day for family traditions and should be spent close to home unless you are travelling for Christmas.

DailyFail1 · 11/12/2016 22:03

At the end of the day doing Santa with 4 instead of 3 isn't the biggest deal in the world. What's more concerning is that your dh has form for disregarding your opinions about his mum's interference, taking her side over yours. That isn't acceptable. Is there any way you can discuss the bigger issue with him without conflating it with the minor one?

SpunkyMummy · 11/12/2016 22:04

DP should support you. YANBU

gillybeanz · 11/12/2016 22:05

Set your boundaries and just keep saying no.
Let her lose the money from this and it will teach her a lesson.
Tell your dh to sort her out, you or dc aren't going so he can go with his mum if he wants to.
You need to talk to her and tell her to stop right now, you are the child's parent, you need to stand up to her. She obviously thinks she can get away with this and probably thinks you're a push over.
Your dh should be right with you on this, why isn't he?

pklme · 11/12/2016 22:07

She is being controlling, in that wonderful, manipulative way which leaves you looking like a control freak when you try to resist.

Ask DP why he thinks it is ok for her to run up charges you will have to pay with no consultation? Why is it ok for Mil to book events which are at an inconvenient time, that you will have to work around?

Try and clarify the impact on you, not in terms of feelings and firsts but in real practical terms. Maybe you could book cinema or theatre tickets that she will have to pay for, on a night when she has something else planned. Or make arrangements for her to take DC to a theme park or play centre, book the place then tell her, in front of DC, how wonderful it is that you have arranged it for them. See how she responds to that!

DixieWishbone · 11/12/2016 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedHelenB · 11/12/2016 22:22

But dp is the child's parent too so why is his opinion not as valid?

Look on the bright side , you may not be awake as early on Christmas day!

YouTheCat · 11/12/2016 22:26

What will happen if you say no and stick to it?

She'll have a little tantrum over it, accuse you of ruining Christmas and then might actually back off. I wouldn't give her another thought - she's not given you any thought.

JustSpeakSense · 11/12/2016 22:31

'I'm really sorry but Christmas Eve doesn't work for us, I really hope you manage to sell the tickets and don't lose all your money'

That's all you need to say.

underneaththeash · 11/12/2016 22:34

How old is our LO? 2 hours on Christmas Eve isn't that bad, but it depends on the age and the child.

My Mum usually asks first if something is a good time. MIL has scant interest in the children.

Remember too that one day you will also be a MIL.......

GabsAlot · 11/12/2016 22:40

what your problem is your dh not backing u up

youve said previously please dont do this/that and she till does yet hes not saying

its prob why she carries on

Inertia · 11/12/2016 22:49

Call your MIL direct and say that it doesn't work for your family and so you and your child won't be going.

Dagnabit · 11/12/2016 23:14

I think we all know that Santa is a little busy on Christmas Eve...do him a favour and don't go! YANBU, Mil is a manipulative toad.

BravoPanda · 11/12/2016 23:21

Oly5 are you the MIL in question?

tararabumdeay · 11/12/2016 23:21

My mother married into a flahsy 'look at these events' sort of family. Take the little kids to Blackpool, Rhyl, Gulliver's Travels.

No1sontoo was 4 months old and got ill, that overnight get over it thing, but it manifested on the day.

He's 23 now and doing fine, but that day I was accused of being a bad mother by strangers because other mothers recognised he wasn't well.

Well what could I do? Take the baby home? No, we were trapped for the day with people we didn't get on with for some sort of 'aren't we a lovely blended family' celebration.

That family cashed in my own Father's conributon to the nasty, abusive step father when my mum died.

Just say no!

Original poster

Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 05:09

Dagnabit....manipulative toad 😂😂😂😂

Oh has agreed it with her - she persuaded him how lovely it would be when i wasnt about and he thought id like the surprise (she knew i wouldnt!) . Sneaky !!!! 😠😠

OP posts:

Out2pasture · 12/12/2016 05:20

op why are you so insecure about your relationship with your child and wanting all the "firsts"? in reality everyday is your opportunity to do something first.

BareBum · 12/12/2016 05:21

You don't like the surprise so he was wrong. Tell him to put his child first, not his mum.

pluck · 12/12/2016 06:36

The thing is, you already had plans. Plans for that night: nice early night and cuddle. Plans for the next day: not having a whining child in a shitty, tired state!

pklme · 12/12/2016 08:04

If DH has agreed it, then maybe it is too late now.
Time to agree a new rule with DH though- neither he nor you will agree or book things without checking with the other. Every time MiL brings it up- oh, that sounds nice I'll see what DH/DW thinks.
No confrontation, no agreements, just cooperation. Do you have family who get involved?

(I'm wondering what the response would be if you had unilaterally agreed an all day outing with your family on LOs first birthday, so MiL couldn't see her that day.)

Oakmaiden · 12/12/2016 08:20

OK - so what ACTUALLY happened is your partner and his mother discussed taking you and your child on a Christmas experience which your partner knew you wanted to do. Your partner and his mother agreed that your mother in law would book the event.

You are angry with his mother because it is all her fault and she is forcing your child to go to bed late on Christmas Eve.

Nope. Don't get it. Be angry with your partner is he is really not allowed to make decisions without your approval (although if you had decided to do this would you have needed his approval? I wouldn't!) but on this occasion I think you are misdirecting your anger to your mil.

Original poster

Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 08:33

Pklme, yup. I fear you are right but goid idea re future.

Oakmaiden, no - he and i hadnt discussed it. I had looked but dismissed it due to timing being so rubbish. she booked it then told oh, persuadung him it eould be wonderful. She isnt stupid. She knows xmas day will be hell now (but she isnt spending it with us!) She also knows i wouldnt want to do this due to routine. She is queen of manipulation. A bloody wolf hiding under a 'im a sweet fairy grandmother' suit!!!

It riles me as my oh doesnt see through it and as someone so eloquently put it earlier, she does things in a 'wonderfully manipulative way that makes me look like a control freak' and like a total killjoy if i say no.

Will talk to oh. This will not be happening again!!

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 12/12/2016 08:36

Presumably your partner knows the sort of things you like, then? Clearly does - since you apparently did want to do this activity but dismissed it due to timings. And he wasn't aware you had dismissed it doe to the timings...

I find life goes along much more smoothly if I try to ascribe the best motivations to people, rather than getting cross because I suspect their motivations.

Original poster

Smartiepuf · 12/12/2016 09:05

Oak...not you having to deal with an overtired child due to mil being a cockwomble (again) though is it.

Thank you to those posting supportive comments. My mil is manipulative and controlling - done it to my oh all his life so this is why he struggles to see it. Others dont struggle as hard put it that way!

OP posts:

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