Another mil at Xmas thread

[Dancingwiththedrummer]

For the past 12 years we have visited mil and sfil on Boxing Day. This is because she visits friends on Xmas day and we enjoy a relaxing day home with the dcs. We visit my parents and fil and smil on Xmas eve as they live close to each other and kills 2 birds with one stone.

This year mil friends are going on holiday for Xmas so she asked if we could go to hers Xmas eve and stay over and do Xmas day with them. I said no. We always see my parents and fil then relax at home, I want my kids to sleep at home and I like chilling in Xmas day.

Mil is furious! She gave us the whole guilt trip how she does lots for dcs (she does) and we are leaving her to sit alone on Xmas day (sfil and bil will be there). She made DH feel really guilty until he agreed.

My parent and fil are really easy going and said they don't mind when we see then as long as we do. Dcs aren't bothered and would prefer to stay home all Xmas

Aibu to feel pissed off? I want to stay home Xmas day and feel that just because her friends have changed plans she's being a cow!

Why can't she host you on Boxing Day as usual? I hate other people mucking about with my plans.

YANBU. It sounds that just because her friends are going away she expects everyone to change their plans to suit her which is unfair. I wouldn't go tbh.

I do loads for my DGC but wouldn't dream of insisting they visit on Christmas Day let alone stay over on Christmas Eve. We always to go visit them at a convenient time. Can MIL not travel to visit the children?

Yanbu. She asked, you refused. End of.

Did you discuss it with your DH though before you declined?

If you done the same thing every year for twelve years maybe it's time for a change anyway?

Oh dear! How will your DH feel, spending Christmas day at his DMs without his wife and kids? How sad!

Did you and your husband discuss your refusal and his acceptance before you told your MiL?

YANBU - so she's putting everyone else out because her friends are away? No - stick to your plans. She's not on her own.

I would and have said no I stay at home on Xmas with dp and our kids end of story

I did discuss with DH and he agreed she was being an arse because her friends changed their plans. She lives a few hours away so DH moans about driving anyway but she claims she can't come to us as she wouldn't get to see Bil and our house is too small for everyone.

DH doesn't give a toss about seeing his mother on Xmas day or Boxing Day and would do anything for an easy life. We can't go Boxing Day because she has now made plans to see other friends

YANBU. She shouldn't get to insist that you spend Christmas at hers if you enjoy spending it at home as a family. I wonder if her friends have gone on holiday over Christmas to avoid her - a non-confrontational way of breaking the 12-year habit of hosting her every Christmas Day?

If I were you I would stay put and do what suits you and your DC. If your DH is insistent on kowtowing to his mum, I'd let him go alone. I'm so relieved my parents and lovely STBPIL are so relaxed about Christmas and don't put this sort of pressure on us.

Then she will see your DCs on one of the days between then and New Year;s, won't she?

We had far flung family when I grew up. We saw some of them every year, not always all of them every year, we had some Christmases at home. Santa always seemed to find us kids and nobody cried.

All you have to do is tell your DH that you will deliberately set out to make his life more miserable than she will, until he grows a backbone where she is concerned. Make him aware that he is setting her up as the most important person in all of your lives and that is not fair to you or your kids!

YANBU

As DH has agreed he will go then I guess he has to go but you and DC could still stay at home? That should hopefully change his mind?

He really shouldn't have agreed to it without discussing with you - so he will have to go back and tell her no.

When she initially asked, did you discuss it with your dp before you said no?

YANBU - why should everyone change what is obviously a very comfortable arrangement for all concerned just to suit her? Especially if it means your children will be sleeping away from home? They will be excited enough with it being Christmas, without adding a strange bed into the mix - they'll never fall asleep!

And if you have a couple of tinies, they might be worried sick that Santa won't find them.

Tell her no. Or send your DH on his own as others have suggested.

Why didn't your DP say that you couldn't go on Christmas Eve because you're already booked?

When did your DH agree to go Christmas Day? If it was in the last day or so, just call her and tell her no. If it was a while ago, you may have to suck it up or just send DH on his own and be adamant that you and dc are staying home

I wouldn't want to be packing up all the Christmas gifts just to drive a few hours to go somewhere you don't want to go! I think with Dc it's nice for them to have their presents at home where they have the time to play with them.

As always however, you have a DH problem, not a MIL one. Your DH should never have given in. You said he likes an easy life which means he would clearly get less hassle from upsetting you than he would from upsetting MIL.

YANBU I like my Christmas's at home.

For that one day a year you have to do what you want.

YANBU

Your MIL only wants things done differently to suit her as her friends have changed their plans this year. If her friends hadn't been going away and you'd asked to change things it sounds as though she'd have been unlikely to agree. Fair enough for MIL to ask, but really not on to expect everyone to change their plans to fit around her and have a tantrum when things don't go her way. She won't be home alone, she will have her husband and son. She also has the option of coming to you.

That said, your DH is just as bad. He should have discussed it with you before agreeing. So I think he needs to tell his mum that he shouldn't have agreed without you and that unfortunately plans are on hold until you have both agreed on what to do. And he can deal with the fall out.

If I were you, I would be sticking to original plans as it's the day you want- MIL can come and join in if she wants. If spending time with you all over christmas is very important to her, then she will come.

Just that she thinks you should change your plans to fi in with her new ones...

This is how the first convo went
Mil - 'we are not going to xx and xx this year as they are flying to Australia for Xmas, so I was thinking you could come Xmas eve and spend Xmas day with us?'
DH - 'well it will mess up plans with us but il discuss with dancing and get back to you, if not we will still see you Boxing Day?'
Mil - 'we can't do Boxing Day because we have xx over and I'm not cooking for everyone, I can't believe you would leave you mother alone on Xmas day'
DH- 'well il discuss with dancing because we have dad and her mum and dad to see'

Then mil kicked off about how she does lots for dcs

Our convo
DH - 'my mothers fucking booting off about Xmas she wants to see us Xmas day'
Me - 'why? What's wrong with Boxing Day?'

DH explains

Me- 'well I'd prefer to stay home to be honest'
DH - 'fine least we don't have to put up with bil'

Mil kicks off, goes on about how we are being unreasonable. DH says he can't be arsed with her shit and just come to us. She says no house too small etc. DH says she's just being an arse cos her friends are away. She turns on water works so DH says fine well come Xmas day but just this once.

Sorry changed name back to me cos I don't care if sick reads this now cos she's kicking off too lol

That's SIL

I would tell DH you and the DC's are staying put and it's up to him what he does.

Just don't go.

What's this shit about 'leaving her to sit alone on Xmas day' if your sfil and bil will be there? Silly mare.

Tell her come off it, you're not on your own.

DH can still go if he must but I think you should stay put.