Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Another mil at Xmas thread

51 replies

Dancingwiththedrummer · 11/12/2016 15:29

For the past 12 years we have visited mil and sfil on Boxing Day. This is because she visits friends on Xmas day and we enjoy a relaxing day home with the dcs. We visit my parents and fil and smil on Xmas eve as they live close to each other and kills 2 birds with one stone.

This year mil friends are going on holiday for Xmas so she asked if we could go to hers Xmas eve and stay over and do Xmas day with them. I said no. We always see my parents and fil then relax at home, I want my kids to sleep at home and I like chilling in Xmas day.

Mil is furious! She gave us the whole guilt trip how she does lots for dcs (she does) and we are leaving her to sit alone on Xmas day (sfil and bil will be there). She made DH feel really guilty until he agreed.

My parent and fil are really easy going and said they don't mind when we see then as long as we do. Dcs aren't bothered and would prefer to stay home all Xmas

Aibu to feel pissed off? I want to stay home Xmas day and feel that just because her friends have changed plans she's being a cow!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/12/2016 16:12

Yeah send DH to visit on his own and you chill with the DC at home - how old are they?

Hellochicken · 11/12/2016 16:15

I don't think she can cry that she'll be on her own . . . but then not come to you because it doesnt suit her.

Does she drive? Can she not come to yours in afternoon on christmas day and go home later or boxing day am?

Original poster

Dancingwiththedrummer · 11/12/2016 16:16

Dcs are 14, 10 and 7 and are much happier sat watching tv at home. As long as they see them at some point over Xmas holidays I don't think they care what day.

Even sil says she doesn't want to go Xmas day as she usually sees her mother but she's going because she doesn't want mil to be on her own even though she won't be on her own lol

OP posts:

Mumstudentbum · 11/12/2016 16:18

Yes she drives so does sfil they have a car each. Won't come later in the day as she claims she wants us to eat together. Said I'd put sandwiches on she pulled cats bum face haha

happychristmasbum · 11/12/2016 16:23

OK, you need to stop communicating with her now, just stick to I am not coming. What is DH saying now?

thatdearoctopus · 11/12/2016 16:23

So, not only will she continue ti kick off because you're blowing her out on Christmas Day, but your dh has compounded the problem by agreeing to go and then changing his mind back to your original plan.

This. Will. Not. End. Well.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2016 16:31

I think your DH was out of order to accept.

If calling her back and telling her you aren't coming at all isn't an option, I'd absolutely tell her you aren't coming Xmas Eve as you are spending it with your own family per prior arrangement. She has no right to expect your family to be cut out! Then I'd spend Xmas morning at home, drive over at noon, stay for 2 hours, then drive home. I know it would be a bitch but hopefully it would drive the point home that if she changes plans to suit herself she may find she ends up with much less than she'd hoped for.

girlywhirly · 11/12/2016 16:36

I want to know what you won't have to put up with from BIL by not going! It sounds as though there is history.

YANBU to want to stay at home on Christmas day. Mil can't expect to change your parents and their partners arrangements as well as yours and the DC.

Rafflesway · 11/12/2016 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybeanz · 11/12/2016 16:41

I think if your dh accepted he should go on his own, tell her she can come to you xmas day or you keep to the original plan. It's not your fault her friends cancelled.
However, after 2 years of seeing your family on xmas day it is about time it's her turn, surely.

FixItUpChappie · 11/12/2016 16:44

I would say no...again. YANBU and at your DH for not consulting you when he caved to the drama-lama. I would be resentful the whole time at the manipulation and imposition.

YouTheCat · 11/12/2016 16:45

Gilly, she doesn't see her family on Christmas day. She sees them on Christmas eve and spends the big day with her kids and dh.

EweAreHere · 11/12/2016 16:51

Sorry, but no. I would make DH man up and tell her he felt cornered, but that no, you're not coming on Christmas Day. She won't be alone. She has family there. And everyone else shouldn't have to change their plans because her plans with friends (not family, i'll not, those appear to have taken priority every Christmas prior!) suddenly changed this year.

Tell her to suck it up and you'll see her between Christmas and New Years unless she continues to kick off.

Tell DH to pull himself together and stand up for his immediate family. You had plans. You also had an agreement. He has to fix this.

MycatsaPirate · 11/12/2016 16:55

yanbu

For 12 years she hasn't bothered about spending xmas day with you all because she spent it with her friends - her choice.

Now, because friends are unavailable she wants everyone to change plans which have worked well for 12 years.

Just fucking no. I think when you consider the amount of grief families have trying to fit everything and everyone in over the Xmas period, when you have found a way to keep everyone happy over the last 12 years, you stick to it!

Her way means upsetting plans for considerably more people. Tell her you'll see her after boxing day.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/12/2016 17:09

Yanbu.

Her plans have changed - it happens.

But she doesn't get to change your parents, FIL and your plans for the 3 days as a result to suit her calender.

NeighTrumpSnort · 11/12/2016 17:10

OP - could you please stay with your original name to make it easier for old folk like me to follow

We stay at home Christmas day as it isn't fair on the kids to be dragging them around the country visiting. It's their day too.

What are you going to do?

SixthSenseless · 11/12/2016 17:14

I wouldn't be traipsing the kids about, and all their presents.

DH needs to call back, say FIL and your family can't be re-juggled, it's all too late to replant everything, and so you can't come Xmas eve. Therefore since her friends have changed their plans Xmas Day if she would like to join you for the day she is welcome.

Extraordinary for someone to kick off like that for declining an invitation. Why would that encourage anyone to spend time with her!! Hasn't SFIL got family they can invite and go to?

WannaBe · 11/12/2016 17:22

I can sort of see both sides here.

I absolutely get that you prefer to stay home on Christmas Day - I do as well and last year is the first year I've been away for Christmas.

But TBH I'm guessing that her back may have been put up by your DH's comment that you have to see your mum. I know couples where one family is prioritised every year which means the other partner's family always have to essentially be second best.

So while I can see that you don't want to go on Christmas Eve and stay there, I do think it's unfair that your family should always take priority.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 11/12/2016 17:24

I suspect she expects you to dance to her tune at other times too!

I say the same as everyone else, you don't change a 12 year plan just because it happens not to suit her this year and if DH goes, he goes alone.

I wonder if she was furious with her friends and tried to guilt trip them for not being here for Christmas? I think probably not, so why should she get to do it to you?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 11/12/2016 17:28

WannaBe OP goes to see her family AND her father in law and step mother in law on Christmas Eve. She spends Christmas Day at home and goes to the MIL's on Boxing Day.

Please explain how that equates to her family always taking priority.

MerylPeril · 11/12/2016 17:36

Nice bit of emotional blackmail there....
Just no, you've been second choice all these years. Personally I think children should be at home Xmas morning/day.
She needs to stop being so ridiculous and DH needs to tell her so.

Original poster

Dancingwiththedrummer · 11/12/2016 18:26

My family don't take priority. We spend a few hours with them at lunch time on Xmas eve and then a few hours later in with fil and his wife. Mil would never stand for us only going for a few hours on Boxing Day and would sulk if we didn't spend ALL day with her.

Yes is is demanding at other times too

Bil gets drunk, insults DH and ignores dcs, but that's a whole other thread. They have no children.

Sfil parents both died, he has no children, one sister but she lives abroad so no family to spend Xmas with.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 11/12/2016 18:30

Mil would never stand for us only going for a few hours on Boxing Day and would sulk if we didn't spend ALL day with her.

So let her sulk.

PterodactylToenails · 11/12/2016 18:34

YANBU. I like being at home on Christmas day now that my children are a little older because they like to play with the things they have received for Christmas. I also just like being in my own house on Christmas day. I had years of going to relatives houses at Christmas and now I just say no.

happychristmasbum · 11/12/2016 18:37

So how is it left now OP? has DH told her you won't be coming?

Flip

1 2 3