Child , Xmas day and divorced parents

[Wonkydonkey44]

I have a daughter she has a severe learning disability . Her dad and I are divorced , not amicable ( his part not mine) .
Normally we alternate Xmas and this year it's his turn .
I don't want her to go this year I want her home with me and her large extended family for the following reasons.

1. loads of cancelled weekends due to his social life or work.
2. hasn't taken child on holiday for last 7 years .
3. hasn't had child at all during summer holidays this year or any year come to think of it.
4. doesn't turn up for any school meetings etc or annual reviews despite being invited by the school.

There is loads more as well . Am I right in thinking of you don't put in the graft through the year you don't get the good bit? Am I being totally unreasonable?

I agree. He can't just turn up for the nice things and expect everything to be shared, when he's not sharing the difficult times.

YANBU. Tell him that you're having her and that's that. If he wants to argue his case, he can take it to court. Doesn't sound like he'll be organised enough to do that.

You keep her with you and have a lovely Christmas.x

Sorry bit Yabu - you totally have the right to feel that way but a child isn't a pawn. Even if you went for formal agreement that only had him doing once a month, big holidays would still be alternative.

YANBU. I wouldn't even trust him to be able to organise a nice Christmas for her.

We have an agreement through mediation he doesn't stick to it.

Sorry bit Yabu - you totally have the right to feel that way but a child isn't a pawn. Even if you went for formal agreement that only had him doing once a month, big holidays would still be alternative.

I agree with this.

Yes but he's not sticking to the agreement. The OP is doing all the work and he wants to come along and have their child for Christmas. That isn't fair.

He doesn't stick to the agreement that is in the best interest of his dd, so you have to. Putting aside for a minute your desire to have your dd for Christmas. Does he make an effort for her at Christmas, or is there every chance he will drop her again at the last minute? I'd do what will make your child happy, do they still have a good relationship if he misses so much contact?

We have an agreement through mediation he doesn't stick to it

Perhaps it's time you followed his lead? What does your DD want to do?

You're looking at it wrong. It isn't about him (or you) having the "reward" of Christmas Day. It's about your child getting to experience Christmas with both parents. YABU.

I agree. I have a similar issue with my ex (dd's dad) He doesn't bother even asking how dd is doing, let alone show up for parents evening. I will read out her school report over the phone, knowing he's not really interested. Then he'll say something ridiculous like "I think I'll take her to Australia for a few weeks". Erm, no!

Regarding Christmas though, I've always put my foot down with that. My dd wouldn't enjoy Christmas day with him and his family and that's the bottom line for me. She goes to him on boxing day and tbh, he has never really fought me on this, because he knows it ain't happening.

Keep your dd with you. If you know she'll be happier, that's it.

Depends completely on if your dd wants to go, if she would like to spend Christmas with her dad and his no threat to her then yabu.

However if she doesn't want to spend Christmas with him then I wouldn't force her.

Yabu I'm afraid.
I have a similar situation. Ex cancels his days with them at a moments notice. Hasn't had them for more than 1 overnight at a time for ages. Doesn't pay maintenance or for anything else. Doesnt come to any school events. Etcetera.

He still has them alternate Christmases.

Child isn't bothere to be honest, child loves their dad but knows he's not responsible . On our holiday sat by the pool child started crying asking why he doesn't take him/her away depite going on holiday at least twice this year with new family.
Just finding all this really difficult . I am a fair person but sick of altering my plans continually because his life is more important.

Yabu. While your frustration is understandable it's not about giving him Christmas, it's about your DD having a relationship with both of you. And if she's upset that he doesn't show at other times then it's unreasonable to take away Christmas with him from her as well.

And for all those saying she should get to decide, no. She's seven, she's far too young to be given a say in this.

YANBU to consider doing this. Whether you would BU to actually do it would depend on what answers you have to the following:

• If he doesn't have his child for holidays and drops out of weekends regularly, will he dump his child for Christmas if that suits his social life better?

• How good a Christmas would your child have with him? Would it just be him or would it also include the wider side of his family - grandparents, cousins, aunt and uncles?

• What would your child want? (If he doesn't see them throughout the year, how happy will they be to spend Christmas with him?)

Child's not 7 , child is a teenager.

child would spend Xmas with her dad , his new wife and her two grown up boys, her brother and possibly one set of grandparents.
The weekends child does go she has one night at her dads then spends on night with elderly grandparents. He plans on dumping her back Boxing Day because he's got plans anyway.

If he can take his new family on holiday but not your daughter that relegates him to worse than pond scum, and can fuck right off. He's an absolute cunt and I'd be worried about your dd being treated as second class while his replacement children are spoilt.

TBH it sounds as if he would be relieved if you suggested to him she doesn't spend Christmas with him .

You need to do whats best for the child. It doesn't matter if the father is lousey, the child deserves the chance to spend xmas with both parents even if that is on an alternate year basis. You wouldn't like it on the other foot if he went for two years with dd on xmas day.

I understand how you're feeling and you have every right to be frustrated but I disagree with withdrawing a child as a punishment. He's hurting the relationship he has with his daughter on his own, and karma will come soon enough. You reap what you sow with children...

If the child is a teenager it's up to her, unless her LD mean she cannot make her own decisions.

The only issue is who your DD would rather spend xmas with. In that respect the school stuff (although irritating) might not be that relevant. Does she feel close to her dad, or would she feel like she was missing futon xmas with her real family? Would xmas be a nice chance for her to bond with her dad or would she feel awkward and miss her mum? As others have said does he even want xmas with her?

I just feel he wheels her out to show other people what a great dad he is.
In truth he does nothing that makes a great dad, no hospital appointments, school meetings, between her nightly monthly visit to his house there is no other interaction. He doesn't call to see if she's ok etc.
She would be devastated to know but he had a massive party to celebrate a big birthday and didn't tell or invite her.