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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child , Xmas day and divorced parents

53 replies

Wonkydonkey44 · 11/12/2016 11:32

I have a daughter she has a severe learning disability . Her dad and I are divorced , not amicable ( his part not mine) .
Normally we alternate Xmas and this year it's his turn .
I don't want her to go this year I want her home with me and her large extended family for the following reasons.

  1. loads of cancelled weekends due to his social life or work.
  2. hasn't taken child on holiday for last 7 years .
  3. hasn't had child at all during summer holidays this year or any year come to think of it.
  4. doesn't turn up for any school meetings etc or annual reviews despite being invited by the school.

There is loads more as well . Am I right in thinking of you don't put in the graft through the year you don't get the good bit? Am I being totally unreasonable?

OP posts:
juneau · 11/12/2016 12:29

You need to do whats best for the child. It doesn't matter if the father is lousy, the child deserves the chance to spend xmas with both parents even if that is on an alternate year basis. You wouldn't like it on the other foot if he went for two years with dd on xmas day.

I agree with this ^. Plus, as a child of divorce myself I would say that it's valuable to keep up even a low level of contact, because the less you see of the NRP the less you have in common and hardest it is to spend time together. Your DD may be a teenager, but if she has a learning disability then I'm guessing her maturity is not at the same level as her age, thus her opinion should be taken into account, but not to the detriment of her already somewhat strained relationship with her dad.

On a more general point, many people have one or more inadequate parents, but he's all she's got, and maintaining that relationship is likely to be better for her in the long run than letting it slide completely. I think you have to be the bigger person here, take a deep breath and let her go to his. It's his turn, regardless of how useless he is the rest of the year.

Lunar1 · 11/12/2016 12:29

Why is it so important for her to spend Christmas with someone so uninvolved in her life? Why is Christmas so important to be split when he doesn't share holidays, school, regular contact etc with his daughter.

ALittleMop · 11/12/2016 12:32

YABU in principle

However, your DC is a teenager. She can decide what she wants to do.

celeste84 · 11/12/2016 12:36

If he is a louey father then it will come to light one day by itself to her. Please don't play on his louseyness for your own gain though. It will probably cause a big argument and ruin xmas.

toptoe · 11/12/2016 12:37

Has she expressed an opinion. I think as she is a teen you should ask her where she wants to go. Tell her it's dad's turn and say 'are you ok with that?'. The trouble you may have is that she may really want to see him but realise you might want to be with her and then say something to make you happy, rather than what she really wants. So maybe if she hasn't said she doesn't want to go, then keep it as per the arrangement. She does need to spend some time with him. It's hard because you do all the hard work.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 12:37

I don't think that you can just override the agreement unless you take it back to mediation and he has to explain why he hasn't carried out or followed what the agreements have laid down. Why haven't you done that?

I'm not trying to be argumentative but, I get the feeling that you're hoping that his failings as a dad will make him give up Christmas Day with his daughter because he's been a bad father. What makes you think that he would have the conscience to do that?

The upshot is that you just want your daughter for all the Christmas Days and don't see why you shouldn't have her. You might be right but it's not your decision and he is her father.

Take this through official channels.

purplefizz26 · 11/12/2016 12:38

YANBU

I wouldn't give it a second thought.

If the selfish arse doesn't stick to arrangements and make an effort with the child through the year, he doesn't deserve to have them for the best bits. You do.

Original poster
Wonkydonkey44 · 11/12/2016 12:40

We went to mediation he didn't turn up after 2 sessions.
I can't afford to keep dragging him through the courts , mediation was £100's a session. he has much more money than me despite what he tells csa.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wonkydonkey44 · 11/12/2016 12:41

I will take her myself on Boxing Day to his house.

OP posts:
YorkiesGlasses · 11/12/2016 12:42

You need to do whats best for the child. It doesn't matter if the father is lousy, the child deserves the chance to spend xmas with both parents even if that is on an alternate year basis.

It is about the child, yes. And it matters very much if the father is lousy! You think that someone who consistently neglects their child is going to make an effort for them at Christmas? "Off you go little one, you deserve the chance to have a shit Christmas!"

You wouldn't like it on the other foot if he went for two years with dd on xmas day.

If she barely bothered with her child the other 51 weekends of the year I'd say it was her fault...

Beebeeeight · 11/12/2016 12:53

If it was me I wouldn't let her go there on Xmas day.

Kids aren't dolls you can pick up and play with for Facebook moments.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2016 12:57

Wonkydonkey44 this sounds crap -dad not at all involved for the main part. Horrible he left her out pf his party! Sad Angry

What does she want to do at Christmas? Do that/let her do that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 13:00

Fair enough Wonkey, I didn't realise the cost, sorry.

HerOtherHalf · 11/12/2016 13:01

I think it depends. If you do it because you believe it's in the childs best interests then fair enough. If you're doing it to punish him for being a shitty dad then less so. Difficult situation, just do the right thing rather than the bitter thing is my advice.

ssd · 11/12/2016 13:03

I think if you kept her away from him on Xmas day, she night think he doesn't want to see her and feels even more rejected by him?

Pollyanna9 · 11/12/2016 13:06

I would entirely and only go on what my DD wanted and F what he wanted. Seriously.

If she's not seen him that much she may feel v awkward about going and being plunged into his family-that-the-takes-on-holiday-but-not-taking-her - sounds like she could have a really hard time.

So those of you saying OP shouldn't use it as a I'm having her/using her as a pawn, he should't feel he can dip in and out of her life as and when he pleases.

OP if you think it will be to your daughter's detriment if she makes it clear she has concerns about going, then you don't send her and that's that. How old is she?

My DD managed to last from about 7 til 14 with regular contact, by 12 she wasn't going every other weekend as she found it stressful and hated being away from her own familiar home, by 14 she had a complete breakdown in the car when she was supposed to be going for a week's contact at Easter - she came straight home with me and it's been 7 months since then and she's chosen to carefully manage (ie highly restrict) her contact with her 'dear'dad since then. At this age it's her choice and I follow her lead. In her case there were also several damaging inequities that have made her feel like shit over the years and it sounds similar to your DD. I wish I'd told her she didn't have to go sooner but with court ordered contact hanging over my head I waited until she was 14 and I knew should it go back to court, they would listen to her.

Do what you think is right for your daughter OP.

Original poster
Wonkydonkey44 · 11/12/2016 13:19

She's mid teens. Aarrgghhh this is so difficult , my gut tells me if she didn't have a learning disability she would have realised how flaky her dad was ages ago. Because I gloss over things to her i.e. Holidays , weekends away without her , cancelling weekends then she thinks this is what all fathers do.
Christmas would be with me and a large extended family who see her weekly and adore her.
I don't do the pawn thing never have done that's his trick I just want Xmas with my child after all the shit we've been through this year.

OP posts:
ALittleMop · 11/12/2016 13:38

Does he have any Actual Plans for the day?

Will she have a nice time with him?

Can you arrange it so she gets to see him say Christmas Eve, or for Xmas morning or as you suggest Boxing Day? So she's not having to pick whether she gets to see him at all or not.

Pollyanna9 · 11/12/2016 13:45

This is what my DD is doing this year. She's on a test weekend at the moment. She will report back then we'll see how many days she can tolerate down there over Xmas but currently our plans are that I will drive her the 120 miles on Boxing Day, wait for her, and have her out of there by no later than 5pm cos prior to going this weekend she was adamant that's all she'd be able to tolerate. That could change I guess but in the interim she and I are booked in for various activities on Xmas Eve now so she won't be going down before Xmas Day/Boxing Day whatever happens. That's her wishes.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/12/2016 13:59

YABU. Your ex sounds like he doesn't do so much but that doesn't mean that your DD should be stopped from seeing him/having a relationship with him.

You say she has a severe learning disability yet is able to understand that her dad doesn't do very much for her? How much of that is her own insight, and how much of that is what she had been told...by you, or by other people?

It's obvious you can't stand your ex, and that's understandable, and it's also understandable that you would want to have your DD at Christmas, especially when you are the one essentially raising her. Having said that, she still has a father and you cannot decide that she can't have visitation with him, even at Christmas.

Sorry, OP. Flowers

Sweets101 · 11/12/2016 14:00

Stop agonising over it just keep her home with you.
I'm not sure how you can drop her off at his on boxing day though if his plan is to 'dump' her back at yours as he has plans anyway? I wouldn't do that, sounds like it could easily backfire and be very upsetting for her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/12/2016 14:13

Children are not weapons.

december10th · 11/12/2016 14:17

It isn't about whether he 'deserves' to have her at Christmas.It is about your child having a relationship with her father.The reasons you list are all the more reason why he should have her at Christmas.

user1477282676 · 11/12/2016 14:37

December, why should she send her DD to a man who neglects her when it comes to his holiday and party plans? I certainly would not.

It does not seem as though she'd be welcomed as you'd expect a Father to welcome his DD.

He's been having parties and holidays and excluding her! No way would my child spend Christmas with a man who thought so little of her.

He sounds like a wanker.

thatdearoctopus · 11/12/2016 14:39

I disagree. Yes, in an ideal world she could go to his and all would be cozy, but that's not the hand you've been dealt here.

Keep her at home with you, where she is secure in the love and support of all those who've cared for her all year. He can play Disney dad another time.