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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just need to tell someone about what happened tonight

55 replies

Greenandyellowspottyumbrella · 11/12/2016 00:58

I've just got home, i'm a mess, I've been a complete bitch, I'm cold, wet and I need to calm down. I need to just get this all out.

DP and I went to see a band tonight, it was crowded and we had a while till they were due to come on stage. I started to feel panicky and I told him I needed to go outside (back story, late last year I was sexually assulted and attacked, before that I had never suffered with panic attacks or severe anxiety) I was more annoyed at myself more than anything because for the past couple of months I've been in a really good place mentally, I've finally felt happy again and this was obviously a major setback.
DP offered to come out with me but I said no stay because he is a bigger fan of the band than me and they are breaking up after this gig, and if we had both left and come back in we'd be right at the back unable to see.

So I went out for some air and after about 10 minutes attempted to come back in, DP saw me at the door but I just couldn't do it, I went straight back out, he text me after about 10 minutes and asked if I wanted to him to come out but I said no because I would have felt terrible if he had missed it.

But I've been an absolute bitch, of course I actually wanted him to come out and of course I wasn't actually going to tell him that and of course I'm going to get mad at him because he's only done what I've told him to do, he can't win.
I was feeling resentful because I had to stand outside in the freezing cold, pouring rain for 2 house missing the gig that I had spent money on and had been exited for all because of some vile human being who made a choice to ruin my life.

When DP came out, I wouldn't talk to him, we got the train to his (I was supposed to be staying and left my stuff there) as soon as we got in I picked up my stuff and left, he chased me down the street but I refused to talk to him, and just spent 2 hours freezing getting the train back home.

I've behaved like a child, I've pushed him away when I actually needed him and then got annoyed at him, what the fuck is wrong with me!! I'm so frustrated, I've been ok and after tonight it feel like I've gone back to square one. The worse thing is I'm still pissed off at him. I think. I just need sleep on it and hopefully I wake up tomorrow not acting like a crazy bitch.
If you've got this far, thank you, Writing this all out has really helped me just to de stress a little bit.

OP posts:

sandgrown · 11/12/2016 01:03

Think maybe the best thing is to get some sleep then contact him in the morning and try and explain how you feel. Don't blame yourself x

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/12/2016 01:03

You poor thing. Yes you were maybe a bit unkind to your DP but you need to be kind to yourself, calm down, get dry and warm, have something to eat and drink. Maybe send a nice text to DP and then snuggle down in bed and have a good rest. Sounds like you might have had some kind of flashback or something. Speak to DP in the morning and apologise - but really speak to him, he will understand if you are completely honest I think about what you were going through.

Teepish · 11/12/2016 01:06

Ive done that sort of thing before with a boyfriend and it stemmed from not feeling particularly cared about by them. If this is not also an issue with you, perhaps some counselling would help to process the ordeal you went through last year.

brooklynbaby · 11/12/2016 01:11

I've done very similar things in the past but with no history of sexual abuse. I know that my issues boiled down to low self-esteem but I ended up treating my ex like shit because of it. He could never do or say the right thing and looking back I was fucking horrible.

If this is because of what happened last year then I'm sure if you explain then he will understand.

Eevee77 · 11/12/2016 01:11

Well I don't think either of you are unreasonable. I've suffered with anxiety and I think you did the right thing by telling him to stay there. But I know it's easy to tell yourself they should be their with you. A couple of years ago I'd have done the same. But now I know it's me, my issue, not to inflict or feel resentment on others.

Butterymuffin · 11/12/2016 01:12

Text and say 'sorry, I had a strong reaction to that environment. Hope we can talk tomorrow' and then try and get some sleep.

user1475253854 · 11/12/2016 01:12

Fwiw, I also push people away when I'm at my most vulnerable and need them the most and I haven't had a traumatic experience like you have, so I think you should be kinder to yourself about that.

2kidsandcounting · 11/12/2016 01:18

I'm so sorry about what you went through last year. I completely empathise with how you behaved tonight, when all you really wanted was a hug. I do find it slightly odd that he left you waiting for him outside for 2 hours. Slightly selfish behaviour even if you were telling him he should stay. He didn't need to leave you waiting that long though, so I personally don't think you've behaved that unreasonably. As you say, sleep on it and hopefully you can speak to him with a clearer head tomorrow. He's probably feeling a little confused right now as men tend to take what we say at face value rather than read between the lines as we sometimes hope they will!!

MrsBlennerhassett · 11/12/2016 01:32

Awwwww dont be so hard on yourself! It was unfair on him thats true but its not really your fault either. All you need to do is explain and apologise to him for getting angry at him when you were just angry with what happened to you.
Just text him saying that you are sorry and youre not angry at him just very dissapointed that you couldnt enjoy yourself as you had hoped to.
You will feel much better after some sleep im sure and dont worry youll be able to enjoy gigs again one day. I got beaten up and mugged once several years ago and for about a year would have panic attacks when out by myself or anywhere that reminded me of it. I thought for ages that it had weakened me and id never get over it. Time does heal you tho it really does and altho you had a bad time tonight it sounds as tho you were doing better generally so id assume that this was just a bit of a blip and next time it will be easier for you.
So dont be angry at yourself or him. Its sad you couldnt enjoy yourself on this occassion, but that doesnt mean you wont in the future.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/12/2016 01:51

Many of us have been that bitch but not been through what you have. I too think maybe a little text just even to let him know you're home safe. The fact that you can be rational to yourself knowing that he just listened to you and it was your idea for him to stay in there shows that I think this will pass quickly. When I'm being like that all I can describe it as as wanting to be "saved" and someone to take over as I feel overwhelmed and although I'm saying "it's fine" I really want to be scooped up by someone like I'm a kid and them to help me out that situation. Before anyone says anything, this person doesn't have to be a man. TBH I mostly want it to be my mum! (DH isn't the best in those situations but she is more pragmatic and empathetic.)

Totally juvenile and I'm not saying it's the same for you just that you're not alone in similar actions.

Just a little text to say ypure home and talk later. Then do what you need to do to help you get calm, bath/shower/movie/comedy etc and try to get some sleep x

babynugget · 11/12/2016 01:58

First of all and now breathe.

Your DP sounds like a lovely lovely man who will completely understand why you had a wobble. And that's what this was, a little wobble. Don't build this up into a bigger thing than it was. You did an incredibly brave thing tonight after what you've been through. If you had broken your back after walking down a stair would you be doing a parachute jump 10 months later? Because essentially that's what you tried to do tonight. You should be out there living life and not letting some pathetic gutter trolling shit bag ruin that but you need to give yourself a break when you have a wobble. I take it your DP knows the back story? If not he will be very confused and hurt and if you are able to you should share as much as you feel able to. If he does then please do as other posters have said and drop him a text to say you are sorry and you hope he understands.

Do not let that unmentionable piece of human waste ruin your life or your relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but sounds to me that you are a strong strong person. Tonight has been a tiny hiccup along the way.

Glastokitty · 11/12/2016 02:10

I think you are over reacting. When I was 6 I handed back a birthday invite because the invitee had spelt my name wrong! The girl's mum just laughed it off with my mum, they knew I wasn't being malicious. It's just kids learning to negotiate the world, I wouldn't mention it.

Glastokitty · 11/12/2016 02:11

Sorry, wrong thread!

notangelinajolie · 11/12/2016 02:28

I've done that. All the way to the Royal Albert Hall, hotel, train fare cost a bloody fortune and I spent all night sat outside on the steps. Dh tried being nice and then tried shouting at me but my mind was made up and I wouldn't budge. Sorry I can't give you any advice, I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Don't feel bad, speak to your DP - he's probably just as worried about this as you are. Hope you feel better soon, it's not easy but you will get there.

xingbake · 11/12/2016 02:56

It sounds to me like you were very conflicted, with two sides in your head, one who wanted him there with you, and one who wanted to let him stay and enjoy the gig. Try to imagine if you had asked him to leave with you - at this point you'd probably be beating yourself up about that instead.

Talk to him, explain the two sides, explain that part of you is angry he didn't ditch the gig for you, but also that another part wouldn't have wanted him to miss it. It's ok to be feeling both those things at once, and if he is a decent guy he should understand.

usernoidea · 11/12/2016 03:00

I'd show him what you've written here - don't beat yourself up x

daisychain01 · 11/12/2016 04:08

Don't give yourself a hard time but do try to make things up to your DP. He sounds like he tried to help, so it's important to explain what happened.

Maybe consider counselling as it seems like you still have unresolved issues about the attack you suffered.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2016 05:46

You're not a bitch. You're processing a horrible horrible experience. Next time ask for what you want. It's probably self esteem that was preventing you from asking him to leave and self esteem, which made you feel unvalued because he didn't come out. There will always be more concerts. There's only one of you. Apologise and explain. Perhaps get some counselling?

DizzyCatkins · 11/12/2016 06:30

Honestly, I think it's a bit poor that he was happy to leave you outside in the pissing rain and cold for two hours. I'd be upset too. Yes, you told him to stay and watch the gig, but wasn't he worried about whether you were ok out there for two hours, alone, especially given what happened to you last year? My DP wouldn't have dreamt of leaving me standing there, and I'd be really disappointed if he had.

NiceFalafels · 11/12/2016 06:42

I think you should have taken yourself off home if capable.

Maybe apologise today. He probably misread the situation.

Boomerwang · 11/12/2016 07:09

I'm sorry. I've had these panic attacks where you feel like the world is falling in, you're shaking, in a cold clammy sweat and you feel like any second you're going to burst into uncontrollable tears. And you feel like such a fool when it happens in front of other people as it invariably does since you're in that public situation in the first place. I've done it in packed restaurants and busy shops.

You didn't want to spoil his fun, but you needed somebody with you and he was the only one around. You were torn and angry about the circumstances which led to these attacks and it spilled over into the frustration about the length of time you had to wait for your OH. By the time he came out you had about ten things going on all at once inside you and you could barely hold it in.

Does this sound right?

Tell him. Get the right moment and tell him everything you felt. Afterwards come up with a plan for how to attempt to deal with it if it happens again. A plan that doesn't make him the loser.

I also think you could do with talking it all out with someone. Research some groups or a therapist who may be able to help.

HerOtherHalf · 11/12/2016 07:16

Don't be too hard on yourself. If that had been me and my wife (and me presumably knowing the reason for her anxiety) I would not have left her outside alone no matter what she said.

Pilgit · 11/12/2016 07:28

Oh sweetie. What a horrid situation for you. I would also have been passed off if he had not at least come and checked on me - he might not have had as good a view but....

I think you need to have a detailed conversation with him when you can. I also have suffered from panic attacks and mania induced self harm. My DH had no idea the complex conflict of emotions until I explained it all to him. The simultaneous need for someone to hold you but pushing them away because of the.shame that comes with that need (that's me by the way) is rather difficult to understand.

Be kind to yourself and completely honest with him.

mum2Bomg · 11/12/2016 07:37

I sometimes react like this. It really is worth being honest if you ever feel like this again and showing him you're feeling vulnerable and need to be somewhere else. Next time (I hope there isn't a next time!) be honest and let him support you. I'm sure he cares more about you than a gig but you need to put yourself first too.

splendide · 11/12/2016 07:46

I think I'd be quite annoyed in your shoes. Was it a once in a lifetime very special gig or something? Yes you should have just said you were going home (and done so) or got his keys and gine back to his but it's hard to be rational sometimes.

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