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Original poster

I just need to tell someone about what happened tonight

55 replies

Greenandyellowspottyumbrella · 11/12/2016 00:58

I've just got home, i'm a mess, I've been a complete bitch, I'm cold, wet and I need to calm down. I need to just get this all out.

DP and I went to see a band tonight, it was crowded and we had a while till they were due to come on stage. I started to feel panicky and I told him I needed to go outside (back story, late last year I was sexually assulted and attacked, before that I had never suffered with panic attacks or severe anxiety) I was more annoyed at myself more than anything because for the past couple of months I've been in a really good place mentally, I've finally felt happy again and this was obviously a major setback.
DP offered to come out with me but I said no stay because he is a bigger fan of the band than me and they are breaking up after this gig, and if we had both left and come back in we'd be right at the back unable to see.

So I went out for some air and after about 10 minutes attempted to come back in, DP saw me at the door but I just couldn't do it, I went straight back out, he text me after about 10 minutes and asked if I wanted to him to come out but I said no because I would have felt terrible if he had missed it.

But I've been an absolute bitch, of course I actually wanted him to come out and of course I wasn't actually going to tell him that and of course I'm going to get mad at him because he's only done what I've told him to do, he can't win.
I was feeling resentful because I had to stand outside in the freezing cold, pouring rain for 2 house missing the gig that I had spent money on and had been exited for all because of some vile human being who made a choice to ruin my life.

When DP came out, I wouldn't talk to him, we got the train to his (I was supposed to be staying and left my stuff there) as soon as we got in I picked up my stuff and left, he chased me down the street but I refused to talk to him, and just spent 2 hours freezing getting the train back home.

I've behaved like a child, I've pushed him away when I actually needed him and then got annoyed at him, what the fuck is wrong with me!! I'm so frustrated, I've been ok and after tonight it feel like I've gone back to square one. The worse thing is I'm still pissed off at him. I think. I just need sleep on it and hopefully I wake up tomorrow not acting like a crazy bitch.
If you've got this far, thank you, Writing this all out has really helped me just to de stress a little bit.

OP posts:
splendide · 11/12/2016 07:48

Sorry read your op again and see it was pretty special. He probably feels really bad himself this morning.

StarsHollow123 · 11/12/2016 09:01

Please don't feel bad about how you got through a tough situation last night. You did the absolute best you could.

From what I can see, you DP should be the one apologising. You had a panic attack about a traumatic event and rather than support you, he left you stood out in the rain for two hours so he could listen to a band. No band/gig/event is ever special enough to come before you in that situation. I also understand why you said he should stay, when you're experiencing severe anxiety it's hard to see things clearly and you prioritised your DP and didn't want it to impact the night anymore than it already had been for you. Your DP should have been able to see that in your anxious state he should have been with you.

That said, it can be hard for DPs to read between the lines sometimes (especially the first time something like this happens) so I don't think it's an irredeemable situation. Perhaps explain that when you're experiencing anxiety like that he needs to assess the situation and see what he needs to do to make things easier for you.

Please don't be hard on yourself OP. You've been through a lot.

DoloresAbernathy · 11/12/2016 09:05

Yes you said one thing and meant another which generally is a knob head thing to do but in your case you've been through something awful and I agree with herotherhalf that had my DH been assaulted or my friend / sister causing them anxiety no matter what they said I would have stayed with them and made sure they were ok. Hope you feel better today Flowers

Nocabbageinmyeye · 11/12/2016 09:17

All this text and apologise?? Wtf?? Come on, he saw her come in, saw she couldn't, watched her leave again, knew she was struggling and let her stand in the rain Shock He knows what she has been through and he sat alone watching a gig they were supposed to watch together while she was outside upset! Text and apologise? Text him to say goodbye more like. He absolute does not sound like a lovely lovely man (as someone up thread said) he sounds like a selfish prick. Look op we all act a little irrationally at times but especially given your situation and your obviously upset then leaving you outside was shit behaviour. She needed him, she told him otherwise but a dog on the street would have seen they were needed and to not stay at the gig. I'm shocked he did and shocked you are being told to apologise.

I hope you feel better this morning op, don't be hard on yourself

EngTech · 11/12/2016 09:26

Hmm, no win situation by the sounds of it Confused

If people tell me something, I assume that is what they mean not what they really mean.

MrsMcMoo · 11/12/2016 09:30

You're not a 'bitch', you were upset and unwell. Apologise and explain and hopefully all will be ok.

Serialweightwatcher · 11/12/2016 09:38

Stop beating yourself up - you've not been a bitch .... I get very bad anxiety and I know exactly how you feel - the fear and frustration makes you resentful and uncomfortable - you're so wanting to do what is feeling so uncomfortable to you and it makes you angry, scared and just awful. You need to explain to him exactly what happened, what you would have liked him to do but the reasons you didn't ask him to come outside or go home etc. You have a very good reason for your anxiety and you are also extremely angry that someone has made you feel this way ... I get very frustrated with myself and others because I've no clue what started mine except a combination of different stress ... please be kind to yourself and understand you weren't being a bitch at all Flowers

anotheronebitthedust · 11/12/2016 09:38

Sorry I know this probably isn't helpful but I would be annoyed with your dp. When I originally read your op I somehow thought he wasn't aware of what had happened to you last year but still thought leaving you outside for two hours in the rain with only one text to see if you were ok was mean. If he knows what happened so could therefore make a reasonable guess why you were upset that's not great behaviour.

I think you are being way way too hard on yourself. Things that trigger a mental response are just as serious as a physical one, and equally out of your control. If you'd had to leave because you had a broken leg and it kept getting jostled, or if you had epilepsy and the show had flashing lights, would you still feel ashamed of yourself? No! And in that situation if you had to stand outside for two hours I think most people would be a bit Hmm at your dp.

He could have watched a few songs and then come out, or put you in a taxi and then gone back in, or something. Not sent one shitty text and then ignored you.

ChuckGravestones · 11/12/2016 09:40

I had a bad cough and left a cinema, after 5 mins my OH came to find me and we went home as I couldn't stop coughing. No way should he have left you for the whole gig outside rain or no rain.

I don't really think you have anything to apologise for.

museumum · 11/12/2016 09:41

No win situation. You need to talk to him and also think hard bout what you want h m to do in future. There's a chance I guess that if he'd come out and taken you home you'd still be angry - for him not listening to you and over ruling you. Because ultimately you're not angry at him, you're angry at the situation you find a ourself in due to another despicable human being.
Have you had any counselling about it? I'm sure you will be able to work through it. Talk to your dp but if I were you I wouldn't be too apologetic but not angry at him either. You're both funding your way with this kind of situation.

Rachel0Greep · 11/12/2016 09:56

Poor you. Flowers
Try to rest today, stay safe and warm. When you feel up to it, talk to him. But for now, just nurture yourself.

LostSight · 11/12/2016 09:57

About a milion years ago, my best friend asked if I would be okay with her going out with my ex, with whom I was still very emotionally entangled. Feeling it was unfair to ask her not to, I told her yes, even though really I didn't want her to at all. The fallout for both of us was awful.

Learn from this. When he offered to come outside, you wanted him to come and help, but you decided to prioritise what you saw as his needs and rights before yours. Therefore, you are unsure now whether the fault lies with him or yourself.

People sometimes just don't know what you need, even if it seems they probably ought to be able to guess. Next time you need something from him, be honest. If he is then an ass about it, you know who is in the wrong.

I hope you can get through this. If he's decent, and you explain what went wrong, hopefully he will be able to reassure you. if he's not nice about it, then you have your answer, I think. My friend is lovely, but wasn't a mind-reader and given my permission, she gave into temptation. Nice people sometimes do shit things, especially when they are young.

Good luck.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 09:59

Did OP state that her partner knows what happened last year or how long she's been seeing him? I don't think she did.

Hope you feel better this morning. Flowers

tiej · 11/12/2016 10:01

You needed him to put you first and he didn't. It's one of those defining moments in a relationship when you suddenly realise that the other person is not quite all you were hoping for.

That's not to say it's all his fault, so many men are bad at reading between the lines, especially when it suits them not to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 10:30

That's not fair. From the OP, he offered to come out and OP said no. He then texted OP to ask if she wanted him out and she said no.

You're being unfair tiej and I don't think distorting the facts is helpful at all.

OP, I hope you are feeling better this morning. You owe your boyfriend an apology and I think you could benefit from seeing somebody professionally about your attack. It's not clear whether your boyfriend knows about it or not, but either way it wasn't acceptable to behave that way.

Original poster
Greenandyellowspottyumbrella · 11/12/2016 10:50

Thanks for all your lovely posts.
I've text him to let him know I got home safe and that I'll talk to him properly tonight. I feel much better but I think I need to have a rest and make sure I'm thinking rationally.
He does know about what happened, we've been together for 2 years so he was here for everything last year.
I'm still having counselling for this.

OP posts:
tiej · 11/12/2016 10:54

LyingWitch, Why did he keep offering to come out? Could it be because he actually knew that's what he should do, but was relying on his girlfriend to be a unselfish?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 10:58

Could be, tiej or it could be that he expected his girlfriend to say what she actually wanted when the offer was there.

I used to get constantly second-guessed by my husband in the name of caring and reading between the lines. It drove me mad and I just said, I will be absolutely clear the first time you ask and you can take that answer and be at peace with it. Works for us.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 11:08

I'm glad you're feeling better, Green. Hope you have a nice restful day. Flowers

Tiej, I would have thought it very important, with sexual abuse survivors especially, to take them at their word when they state they want x, y or z. And not to indulge in well, I know you SAID you wanted to do x but I know that you REALLY wanted to do y.

JellyBelli · 11/12/2016 11:10

Greenandyellowspottyumbrella Absolutely talk to him and try to explain it. You dont 'get over' a panic attack and go back to normal in 20 seconds, theres a a come down phase to get through.
When you come down from an anxiety attack or panic attack, its absolutely normal to feel either;
stupid because you think you over reacted, or
angry and upset.
Or both.

When you are having an attack nothing you do will make it go away. You just have to ride through it. If you go outside you will still be having a panic attack, you are just having it outside. It will pass in its own sweet time.
Logically you know your DP was not at fault, it was no ones fault except the person who assaulted you and they arent there for you to shout at.
Personally I used to prefer people to carry on as normal when I was having a panic attack.
You will get through this. Flowers

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 11/12/2016 11:27

I would be upset if a dp of mine left me out in the cold and wet while they watched a gig. Yes, you told him to stay, still I would hope a dp would have the emotional intelligence to at least check on me in person.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 11:36

Decaff why would he think you're in the cold if you leave the gig though? Wouldn't there be somewhere else to go and sit? An adult wouldn't stand out in the cold, shivering, surely? I'm not being argumentative, the thought that somebody would stand outside in the cold is just something that wouldn't occur to me.

VeryBitchy... Exactly so. It's imperative.

RoboticSealpup · 11/12/2016 11:39

Given the circumstances, your behaviour is totally understandable. You really shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

TheStoic · 11/12/2016 11:42

I think most people, if they're honest, would prefer that their partner did not even have to ask the question.

Perhaps explain that to him. But now you've also learned that if he DOES ask, it's ok to accept his support. Just because he has to ask, doesn't mean he cares less.

You can both learn from this and grow closer, if you see this as a breakdown in communication.

Farmmummy · 11/12/2016 11:45

It's ok not to be ok. This is very overused but in your situation is true and your dp while he has supported you can never truely understand how you feel, believe me there will be times you don't truly understand how you feel and as time passes you will have days when it hits like a freight train but they will get less and less. It's those closest you take it out on

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