I just need to tell someone about what happened tonight

[Greenandyellowspottyumbrella]

I've just got home, i'm a mess, I've been a complete bitch, I'm cold, wet and I need to calm down. I need to just get this all out.

DP and I went to see a band tonight, it was crowded and we had a while till they were due to come on stage. I started to feel panicky and I told him I needed to go outside (back story, late last year I was sexually assulted and attacked, before that I had never suffered with panic attacks or severe anxiety) I was more annoyed at myself more than anything because for the past couple of months I've been in a really good place mentally, I've finally felt happy again and this was obviously a major setback.
DP offered to come out with me but I said no stay because he is a bigger fan of the band than me and they are breaking up after this gig, and if we had both left and come back in we'd be right at the back unable to see.

So I went out for some air and after about 10 minutes attempted to come back in, DP saw me at the door but I just couldn't do it, I went straight back out, he text me after about 10 minutes and asked if I wanted to him to come out but I said no because I would have felt terrible if he had missed it.

But I've been an absolute bitch, of course I actually wanted him to come out and of course I wasn't actually going to tell him that and of course I'm going to get mad at him because he's only done what I've told him to do, he can't win.
I was feeling resentful because I had to stand outside in the freezing cold, pouring rain for 2 house missing the gig that I had spent money on and had been exited for all because of some vile human being who made a choice to ruin my life.

When DP came out, I wouldn't talk to him, we got the train to his (I was supposed to be staying and left my stuff there) as soon as we got in I picked up my stuff and left, he chased me down the street but I refused to talk to him, and just spent 2 hours freezing getting the train back home.

I've behaved like a child, I've pushed him away when I actually needed him and then got annoyed at him, what the fuck is wrong with me!! I'm so frustrated, I've been ok and after tonight it feel like I've gone back to square one. The worse thing is I'm still pissed off at him. I think. I just need sleep on it and hopefully I wake up tomorrow not acting like a crazy bitch.
If you've got this far, thank you, Writing this all out has really helped me just to de stress a little bit.

Might be worth asking your counsellor how you can explain to him how you are likely to react in certain situations. Your dp needs more information so he can act appropriately. If he knew how much it affected you, he would have just come out of the gig and not asked you to ask him to come out. It would take the pressure off you and make you feel less embarassed or ashamed.

On that note, you should not be calling yourself a 'bitch' at all. You reacted totally normally for someone with trauma related anxiety/panic. You were angry he didn't just come out and that he asked you to make the decision about him coming out, which if he knew how you were feeling I think in hindsight he'd probably agree that was unfair of him. He probably did not realise how you were feeling or how to react appropriately.

Don't feel guilt or shame about how you are acting during your recovery from this attack. You need extra care, extra looking after and your dp would probably be willing to do that if he knew what you needed. I think in future let go of the shame and treat it like any other illness. If you were being sick, he would have taken you home. Easier said than done though I know.

It sounds a bit like you were almost testing him to see if he would "see through" your barriers and chase after you, which does make a lot of sense given what you've been through.

Sometimes it feels like we can't ask directly for the help we need/want, but that if the other person does it of their own free will then we'll have deserved it more.

The problem with this is that other people often just take us at our word and find the whole thing a bit of a mindfuck.

I used to do similar things when I was very depressed and paranoid/psychotic. I'd run away from my ex, whilst secretly hoping he'd care enough to come after me. I wanted him at arm's length, because I simultaneously wanted help but also felt too disgusting to have him near me (because of the guilt and self-loathing that went with my depression).

It sounds like you might need some help to deal with your experience, maybe through counselling or a rape crisis service.

Well... he could have 'won'. He could have not watched a band for two hours while you stood outside in the rain. Most of us develop social skills beyond the literal, even Aspies like me. If a friend of mine was freaking out outside by herself I wouldn't leave her. I'd understand that someone in distress may not be able to articulate their feelings properly.

Be honest when you speak to him. Don't apologize, it was a failure of communication. Use it as a chance to tell him what kind of support you'd like if it happens again. If you'd like him to stay with you whatever you may be saying in the moment, tell him that.

Sorry to hear that OP. Are you getting any help for your response to this trauma and your panic and anxiety? Far better than counselling would be CBT which is particularly useful for anxiety related difficulties (I'm an NHS psychotherapist specialising in trauma so have some experience of the situation you've explained). A good CBT therapist will also assess you to see if trauma focussed therapy is the best approach. I would consider contacting the BABCP for accredited therapists or ask your GP for a referral to IAPT(though the wait list can be really long). There is help out there do I hope you can get support with what must be a very difficult situation

OP, I haven't read the whole thread yet but I will do shortly. I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. As much as your reaction to the situation wasn't logical or ideal, it's a perfectly natural way for you to respond.

I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and have long since suffered panic attacks in crowds because of it. I've had exactly the same experience as you (i.e. getting angry with partner, running away from care and kindness when bad mentally, feeling stupid afterwards) to the point where I would self harm because of how much I hated myself. If there's anything I can do or say to stop you getting to that point of self loathing due to something you couldn't control, I will. It is not your fault. The things you do when anxiety has been triggered are not your fault.