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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so upset by this

59 replies

DontTouchTheMoustache · 10/12/2016 22:43

I went to my works Christmas party this week. I joined a bit later than most people so everyone was already very drunk by the time I arrived. I was wearing a low cut wrap dress. One of my male work colleagues who I am friends with came to say hello with another male friend. I was sat down talking to someone and they were stood behind me, while saying hello one of these friends said he couldn't concentrate on what I was saying because he was distracted by my chest and the other colleague agreed. They were being quite leary and one of them grabbed me.under the arms to shake me to tray and make my chest bounce up and down, then the other friend pulled my dress down fully exposing my bra. All of this was in a crowded pub with my work colleagues. I was completely humiliated and immediately told them both to stop but the one who had pulled my dress down wouldn't stop and kept pulling it down despite the fact I kept telling him to stop and he could see I was getting really distressed. Another colleague stepped in and told him.to stop. By this point I was shaking and on the verge of tears. A female.colleague who had seen it then said "they're just tits" and pulled her own top down so it made me feel I was overreacting but I was still upset so decided to.speak to the man who had been doing it and said to him that what he had done was sexual assault and was completely unacceptable. But he just laughed it off and told me not to be ridiculous. I'm a timid person who.hates confrontation so I just decided to leave it but I still can't stop thinking about it now. I don't know if I'm overreacting to be so hung up on it?

OP posts:
MarcelineTheVampire · 10/12/2016 22:46

Of course YANBU.

On your next shift at work please report this behaviour to your HR department as it is completely unacceptable.It IS sexual assault and don't let anyone minimise this for you.

Flowers
NicknameUsed · 10/12/2016 22:50

"On your next shift at work please report this behaviour to your HR department as it is completely unacceptable.It IS sexual assault and don't let anyone minimise this for you."

This ^^

It is totally unacceptable and inappropriate under any circumstances.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 10/12/2016 22:52

Fucking prick. Report him. I'm so angry for you Angry

CashelGirl · 10/12/2016 22:54

Definitely not overreacting. It was intended to humiliate and objectify you. I would be reporting it to the police. See what a Billy Big Bollocks he is when he gets pulled in for questioning and is facing being charged as a sexual predator. And report it to HR. I am so sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

Redglitter · 10/12/2016 22:56

It's not HR I'd be reporting that to its the police.

You're most definitely not over reacting. Their behaviour was disgusting

Sybys · 10/12/2016 22:57

Not over reacting at all. Report it to HR.

NoCapes · 10/12/2016 22:57

Shock what an absolute cunt!
I'd have probably slapped him tbh (I know someone will be along to tell me that's assault and not acceptable yada yada) but fuck me he'd have deserved it

Definitely report him

Flowers to you

PopGoesTheWeaz · 10/12/2016 22:58
Flowers
Hardshoulder · 10/12/2016 22:58

HR at the very least, OP. You're not in the slightest overreacting. You were sexually assaulted.

NothingIsOK · 10/12/2016 23:00

You are, if anything, under reacting. This needs dealing with by your HR dept or his team leader, or whoever the appropriate senior staffer is.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 10/12/2016 23:03

If this were a stranger, you would call the police.

So call the police. Doesn't matter that you know him, doesn't stop it from being a crime.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

mumwhatnothing · 10/12/2016 23:04

I totally agree with all PP

I am so sorry this happened to you and hope you can find some good support. I don't want to turn you into a victim with my reaction, but if it were me I would be down the cop shop reporting it.

TheUterati · 10/12/2016 23:12
Angry You were sexually assaulted. Sexual assault is a crime. So so sorry. xxx
squishysquirmy · 10/12/2016 23:12

You weren't overreacting and have every right to feel upset. Flowers
Agree with all the others about HR. Is it a big company you work for?

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 23:13

I think this may actually be better reported to the police. They may not take it further (which may make you feel worse), but they will have a very fucking strong word with the guy before they make the decision on whether they do or they don't.

Hope you are OK OP. Please seek help and someone to talk to if the shaken up feelings are still around in a couple of weeks.

altiara · 10/12/2016 23:14

YANBU - you need to report this. HR and the police. If this was one of my line reports, I would be putting them through the disciplinary procedure.
Don't let it be brushed under the carpet. Stand up for yourself. Your employer has to protect you from people like this.
Flowers

Ballstowinplease · 10/12/2016 23:15

What you experienced was sexual assault and I'm so sorry it happened to you. The girl that showed her bra willingly - good for her. In my youth I showed my bra a lot! But you didn't show yours willingly and more importantly you told him no and he continued. Please please do other women a favour and report him to HR. That is what they are there for and they will take it seriously. Sexual harassment at work has unlimited damages in court. Please then put it out of your mind. You should at the very least get a formal apology. Any colleagues that don't support you, screw them! What would they say if it was their daughter?

AdoraBell · 10/12/2016 23:15

Totally agree with pp, you are not, in any way, overreacting. This was an assault, sexual in their intent and should be reported as such.

And remember, you didn't do this therefore you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Would you be embarrassed if they had stolen your car?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 10/12/2016 23:15

Thank you all so much for your support, it's really helping me right now. The point of it was a stranger is completely true, I would report it. I need to try and build up some courage, I have such bad anxiety already so the idea of reporting it makes me.feel quite panicky. The whole thing makes.me.feel sick to my stomach. I hate the fact he has put me in this position. He made me feel like I must be so worthless that he wouldn't stop doing that to me even though I was practically begging him to.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2016 23:16

I would take it up with HR and also have something to say to that female colleague as well. Pulling her own top down? Perhaps she was jealous of the 'attention' that you were receiving and hadn't the wit to see that it was upsetting you.

I'm sorry that this happened and I can imagine how distressed you were. It wasn't your fault and you didn't ask for this to happen. Thanks

Benedikte2 · 10/12/2016 23:18

If they say anything at work next week take note and refer it to HR as possible sexual harassment

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 23:18

DontTouchTheMoustache You can contact rape crisis for support in reporting so you aren't going through the process alone. There's also specialist sexual assault centres who can give you advice and counselling.

If you are in London there's one at St Mary's hospital. But any sexual health clinic would be able to point you to the most appropriate service for you to access in your area.

Ohdearducks · 10/12/2016 23:18

It's assault and the other woman that tried to minimise it was jealous of the 'attention' (sexual harassment) you were getting so don't let her make you feel silly for being upset. Absolutely agree this needs to be reported to HR at the very least, I'd be tempted to report to the police in fact.

Ballstowinplease · 10/12/2016 23:19

He is a twat and his punishment is that he will be a twat his whole life. Go and see HR face to face and tell them about how anxious it has made you feel. If the police sounds too much then leave that and go for justice via work. The police are unlikely to do anything serious and he will be more forced to look at his actions more seriously if he is disciplined/sacked via his job.

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 23:20

She may have pulled her top down to demonstrate the men were being totally out of line in a "stop making such a fuss around her" without inflaming the situation. She might have noticed the OP was seriously uncomfortable and not known how to deflect the attention quickly without calling the men out as being the total fucking tools that they are.