Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be so upset by this

59 replies

DontTouchTheMoustache · 10/12/2016 22:43

I went to my works Christmas party this week. I joined a bit later than most people so everyone was already very drunk by the time I arrived. I was wearing a low cut wrap dress. One of my male work colleagues who I am friends with came to say hello with another male friend. I was sat down talking to someone and they were stood behind me, while saying hello one of these friends said he couldn't concentrate on what I was saying because he was distracted by my chest and the other colleague agreed. They were being quite leary and one of them grabbed me.under the arms to shake me to tray and make my chest bounce up and down, then the other friend pulled my dress down fully exposing my bra. All of this was in a crowded pub with my work colleagues. I was completely humiliated and immediately told them both to stop but the one who had pulled my dress down wouldn't stop and kept pulling it down despite the fact I kept telling him to stop and he could see I was getting really distressed. Another colleague stepped in and told him.to stop. By this point I was shaking and on the verge of tears. A female.colleague who had seen it then said "they're just tits" and pulled her own top down so it made me feel I was overreacting but I was still upset so decided to.speak to the man who had been doing it and said to him that what he had done was sexual assault and was completely unacceptable. But he just laughed it off and told me not to be ridiculous. I'm a timid person who.hates confrontation so I just decided to leave it but I still can't stop thinking about it now. I don't know if I'm overreacting to be so hung up on it?

OP posts:

Sara107 · 10/12/2016 23:20

That sounds horrible and even worse because you say you are friends with this man (or were). I would definitely report them, will any of your colleagues back you up if you make a complaint do you think? Did anybody more senior witness it (eg your line manager )? I don't think being drunk is any excuse for that sort of behaviour, you wouldn't do it on any other night out, so why the office party? If you were laughing and going along with it that would be one thing, but to keep on when they could see you were upset was really bullying and does make it an assault rather than a jolly jape.

mummydawn07 · 10/12/2016 23:22

I agree with the others, what a knob these blokes and this woman were report them all, it's not fair or right that you should have to suffer the humiliation of jackasses who clearly can't behave in a civilised way after a few drinks, I hope they get their just desserts, I would have felt exactly the same as you in this situation as I too am a non confrontational person, although my reflex reaction may have been to slap round the face. I hope you do the right thing don't beat yourself up, it is not your fault that these people can't control themselves, and the woman in my opinion seems like the type that did this just for male attention what with the pulling her own top down, maybe seeking approval of some sort? who knows. good luck anyway xx

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 23:23

I don't think being drunk is any excuse for that sort of behaviour,

Being drunk is absolutely not an excuse for committing sexual assault. Never, ever, ever. There's no too ways about this. You are spot on there!

LadyFanjo · 10/12/2016 23:24

I feel so angry for you! Please take this further - it's awful and wrong and they need to be punished.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you're ok

ellalouise123 · 10/12/2016 23:25

Everyone is right, this is sexual assault. What the fuck gives people the idea they have any right to do this sort of stuff, let alone in a (semi) workplace setting and let alone expect people to laugh about it? I would have rung work right there and then and left a message on the answerphone explaining exactly what had gone on. You are definitely not being unreasonable. This is 100% unacceptable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2016 23:25

She might have, Hoops, if she'd perhaps gone up to OP immediately after and shown her solidarity for her and disdain for these men. Only OP knows but my first thought was that she was trying to minimise how OP was feeling.

AlpacaLypse · 10/12/2016 23:26

Hoops or more likely she (the female colleague who pulled her own top down yada yada) was rat-arsed and full of overblown self confidence.

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 23:28

Lying - My first thought was jealous cow, then that she was minimising how the OP was feeling, then I questioned myself for feeling like that and wondered if she'd just panicked and totally tried to diffuse it all in a bloody stupid way.

It is not behaviour that should be minimised. If this was her intent then she needs to be in the HR chat as well - the others do need to be dealt with by the police.

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 23:30

Alapaca Yes, drink possibly had something to do with her reactions whatever her intention was.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2016 23:31

I agree with you, Hoops. If I'd been the female colleague and witnessed this, I would have told the men to knock it off and given them a piece of my mind. OP was left to do that when she was shaken up.

It was a horrible thing to have happen and it's the sort of thing that leaves a nasty taste when it's colleagues that you have to see again.

LadyBusDriver · 10/12/2016 23:42

Listen, this is NOT OK! Do not allow them to get away with this because next time they could do it to someone and things might not stop there. They need reporting to your HR and to the police! You can write a detailed letter then you won't have to explain as much the first time around. Also explain you have anxiety and you find it difficult to speak, this should make them take that into consideration when interviewing you.

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 23:42

Actually, I need to apologise, I just re-read the OP and realise it says "and pulled her own top down so it made me feel I was overreacting". OP, I am sorry I meant to minimise what she had done and offer suggestions for what she may have been trying to do instead. As you were the person there, you know how it came across - your feelings surrounding this woman are very valid. She had no right to make you feel like you overreacted. You are not at all over reacting.

Sorry I posted that post.

sleepingkoala · 10/12/2016 23:44

That's awful I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're absolutely right of course it's sexual assault and you are not overreacting in the slightest. I hope you report it on your next day back at work. And I think at least the colleague who told the man to stop would back you up on it too. And be sure to report any inappropriate comments made about how your top was was distracting them or anyone encouraging the man to pull your top down. As they are colleagues it makes those types of comments more serious and you should report it all to the appropriate person at your work. Also yeah the woman who pulled her own top down in response is very strange behaviour too and maybe talk to her about it.

SausageSoda · 10/12/2016 23:44

I commented on your other thread but I work in HR and we would sack someone if they did this to a colleague. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

Dagnabit · 10/12/2016 23:46

I'm so sorry, OP, what a horrible thing to be put through. I agree with others saying that you should report the incident to both the police and to HR because if you don't, you will never get closure and if you already are dealing with anxiety, this will certainly increase it. What an absolutely knob; he thinks it was a laugh but he actually committed a crime and should be held accountable. I am furious on your behalf

Castelnaumansions · 10/12/2016 23:46

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/l_to_O/offences_against_the_person/
Think this might be Actual Bodily Harm, but I'm not a lawyer.
I'm avoiding works xmas do for similar reasons, best wishes, to you, horrible thing to have gone through. Walk tall, thanks for telling us.

Ohdearducks · 10/12/2016 23:47

Are you part of a union? If so a rep could accompany you to any HR meeting or would the colleague who stepped in go along for support?

ohlalalalalalalala · 10/12/2016 23:48

Idiot!!! Get onto HR first thing Monday morning!

SausageSoda · 10/12/2016 23:50

The colleague who stepped in would be needed as a witness in the HR investigation so not a good idea to ask them to accompany.

Ohdearducks · 10/12/2016 23:55

Good point Sausage

mmgirish · 11/12/2016 00:17

That's disgusting. Some people are just awful. I would report that to the police. OP, please don't doubt yourself.

AVirginLitTheCandle · 11/12/2016 00:37

He sounds like a twat. At the very least you should report this to HR.

FruitCider · 11/12/2016 08:57

I had something similar happen to me in my late teens. I reported it to the police and someone was prosecuted for sexual assault.

You feel violated because you have been assaulted

Whether you report it or not is up to you, all I can do is offer reassurance that both HR and the police would be very interested in this and want to investigate it.

ConvincingLiar · 11/12/2016 09:32

Highly unlikely to be charged as ABH in the absence of physical injury. I would hope the police take this seriously. Why not draft an email today to HR? It might be easier to start this in writing.

StripedTulip · 11/12/2016 09:35

Another one to say that this is sexual harassment. Please report it. And don't be put off by colleagues or friends telling you it was your fault for wearing a low cut dress.

Flip

1 2 3