To never use childcare even though I am burnt out?

[Mollyisabellajack]

I have 3 children under 5. Me and DP never go out and I do not work as I don't want to use childcare. I'm burnt out and need a break. I don't want to use paid childcare as with 3 children it would cost a lot more than I could earn, and we are able to 'just' manage on one salary. My friends ask me why I never use grandparents to babysit, either to work or to have a night out with DH. But my parents were not good with me as a child, they were emotionally abusive so I do not want to leave my DC with them. DH parents were physically abusive so we don't want to leave them with his parents either. We don't know anyone to babysit so we just never go out. DH works long hours and I am feeling burnt out. Is anyone else in the same situation?

Could you not join a babysitting group or do swaps with other local mums even once a month or so? Everyone needs some downtime.

I have no solutions, just buckets of sympathy. The cost of childcare is horrendous, I can't imagine what it must be like with 3 LOs. When my DDs were little, childcare ate up 66% of my wage. If I had little ones now, it would be 98% - I am not on NMW by any means.

All I can say is that I agree with Matilda - if you can manage some form of babysitting cover every now and then to get some downtime, that would be good for all of you.

I know he works long hours, but can your dh have them by himself sometimes so you can do something on your own?

Bless you that sounds hard work. I think you need to stop thinking of childcare as baddies - on the contrary good childcare will be in your dcs interest.

Have you heard of Homestart? Is there one in your area?

That sounds very pressured for you all. I would think about some limited professional childcare, because you have much more control when you are paying, and it gets away from the bad family associations. Babysitter maybe for the occasional night out, who can give references?

I only have 1 DD so I'm definitely not your level of burnt out. We moved away from london to buy a family home but subsequently moved away from my friends. My family are far away, his we wouldn't trust. We have only been on date nights when staying with my parents, other wise social outings are seperate and rare (twice a year for me but DH has friends locally with kids so does play dates etc). We can't afford childcare and I haven't made friends locally as it's hard to meet people, injoined a sports team but was ignored, had to do drills with the coach etc because of my colour (something I hadn't even thought of happening before we moved here) although the coaches were lovely, I didn't feel I could be in that environment due to MH issues.

Anyway, I can sympathise. I'm sure you are completely wiped, more than I could imagine. I hope you get some you time, even at home, whether it's just a long hot bath, reading something that doesn't rhyme and a bit more depth or just a bloody nap!

Can you ask your friends or other parents for babysitter recommendations? I'm sure there are lots of people (especially single parents) who face the same situation. But does sound like you both need a break.

had to do drills with the coach etc because of my colour- sorry Middleclass but that sounds awful.

DH has them by himself for a couple of hours at the weekend so I can go to the supermarket on my own but even that doesn't feel like a break as I hate food shopping. I've booked on a college course one evening a week after Christmas so hopefully that will be a break. How do we find a reliable babysitter? Although not sure we can afford one! I have a couple of mum friends but they use their parents as babysitters and childcare for work too so I couldn't swap with them.

I've never used it myself, but I've often seen sitters.com recommended on here for CRB-checked babysitters - obviously you do pay more for this, but maybe okay for a once-in-a-while evening out?

Alternatively, do you have any friends or neighbours with sensible teenagers/young adults who might like to earn a bit of extra money? That's probably the cheapest option, unless you can set up a babysitting circle like pp have said.

I try to factor the cost of a babysitter into an evening out (not that we go out 'just us' very often, probably about once every 4 months) - so going to a cheap restaurant or doing something free, e.g. a picnic in the summer.

Why not do food shopping online? Then use those 2 hours for something enjoyable.

At first I just thought it was high school type clique stuff despite these women being 30s to 60s but then it became evident that it was because I'm a bit brown.

DH and I are planning to move closer to london as he is struggling with it too and still commutes in.

Middleclass - that's awful. What a horrible experience. Hope you meet nicer people in the future.

I feel the more tired I get the more of a rubbish mum I am becoming. I used to have lots of energy with dc1 but now dc3 has the burnt out version of me and I'm becoming more shouty and just no fun anymore I'm so worn down I don't even remember who I am anymore. And I look a mess!

Middleclass are you in the U.K.? That sounds awful.

Defo online shopping! I do my weekly shop over a couple of days so I spend less. Day one, chuck loads of stuff in, day two, add in stuff that I need but forgot, day 3 edit stuff that I was just doing on a whim or doesn't actually go with anything to make something etc. That's my general pattern and it's just whilst watching telly in the evening or if things pop in my head. Most supermarkets keep your trolley so you can dip in and out.

Only problem is I shop in Aldi for everything to keep costs down I'm not sure I could afford online shopping

I agree with peach, order your shopping on line, I can't remember the last time I visited a supermarket and then use the time for you.

We have found best success with asking nursery workers to babysit. Where we are anyway there's a lot of young girls who don't yet have kids of their own and welcome a bit of extra cash in the evenings or weekends. They are qualified, first aid trained and CRB checked and very used to kids. May be worth asking for recommendations from friends who have kids in nursery or preschool. Hope you find a little respite OP.

Yup in the U.K. I'd never really felt different until I moved out of the big city. Where I live you wouldn't assume it was like that but DH has noticed it a few times, shop people talking to him rather than me etc (he's white). It's a minority but it has an big impact. My parents live in Devon and I've never had anything like that there.

If you've got three under 5's, is the eldest in nursery (using the free hours)? One way friends have got a babysitter is by asking staff at their child's nursery - that way the babysitter is qualified in childcare, and known to at least one of the children.

Can you order your supermarket shop online, and use those hours at the weekend to do something you enjoy?

We don't have local family, do now use childcare for work but didn't used to as I was home with the kids. My top tip for good baby sitters is to ask at local scout or guide groups if they have any young leaders who want some baby sitting. Many do, young leaders are between 14 is and 18 and help run groups, some just volunteer for duke of edinburg or something, some work towards a basic leadership qualification, some just love it, some do it for experience to go into education. But they are generally responsible, have done first aid training and are used to caring for children. Our last one went to uni in sept so we are on the next one and there are a couple more approaching a good age for next sept when this one goes to uni! We don't go out much, pretty much just to our local village hall for quiz night if and when others around the village have managed to ship children out to grandparents or got a sitter but it does us the world of good.

Sorry, cross posted there!