To never use childcare even though I am burnt out?

[Mollyisabellajack]

I have 3 children under 5. Me and DP never go out and I do not work as I don't want to use childcare. I'm burnt out and need a break. I don't want to use paid childcare as with 3 children it would cost a lot more than I could earn, and we are able to 'just' manage on one salary. My friends ask me why I never use grandparents to babysit, either to work or to have a night out with DH. But my parents were not good with me as a child, they were emotionally abusive so I do not want to leave my DC with them. DH parents were physically abusive so we don't want to leave them with his parents either. We don't know anyone to babysit so we just never go out. DH works long hours and I am feeling burnt out. Is anyone else in the same situation?

I think you probably can afford it, just do the comparison.

Are you in the UK Molly? If your children of over 3 years old they are entitled to free nursery education

Homestart specify they don't do childcare.

X post with Sheepy sorry!

My oldest goes to a nursery for the 15 free hours a week, I had not thought of asking if any of the girls are available for babysitting, fantastic idea! Thank you 💐

middleclass I just read your post properly! Flipping heck!

Sadly though I believe it. My mum was shocked recently when an old friend told her that her dd had got married but the husband was black and this was causing concern for everyone. Mum couldn't believe that someone she thought she knew so well could react that way.

I've done a comparison with Tesco but it came to quite a bit more. We eat a lot of fish and chicken and Aldi is much cheaper.

I relate.

You have to take the long term view.

The kids will not be small for ever
do you still want a good relationship with their dad / your OH when the kids are big?

Some things are worth investing in
relationships are one

find a babysitter
go out for supper, the two of you, once a month, EVERY MONTH
even if its for chips and then a walk

also
during the day
book a two hour session each week when a childminder takes them and you just CHILL (at the gym, whatever)

your long term mental health is worth the short term sacrifice

(and I never ever had any family support within 150 miles so I know of what I speak)

Middleclass that's awful I am shocked racism still exists in this country that is shocking!

If you do a trolley or sign up to a supermarket online you don't have to use it. Just fill a trolley with what you need, see the price and check if there is a delivery charge and then see if you can afford it, no obligation x sometimes they do have great deals (although mamia nappies and wipes all the way, we stick up once a month)

I didn't know people still used babysitters apart from helpful grandparents? How do you find a babysitter you can trust with a toddler? My son doesn't go to nursery so nursery workers are not an option...

*stock

I am too! And this was pre brexit this year.

when you go out for your weekly shop, an an extra hour and spend it doing what you want.

My kids are in school now but the carers who looked after them as pre-schoolers still babysit. Works well, they all love each other. Mamuska, you can still ask at a nursery, lots of the carers could do with the extra. Or do you go to any playgroups - some of the helpers may be up for it.

Something else that was also good when they were little was paying a teenager from down the road to play with the kids for a couple of hours per week - I stayed home but pottered in the garden, had a snooze or a bath, hid in the bedroom and read a book, did yoga/meditation.

Any childless friends who fancy taking them off your hands for the odd weekend afternoon? We've a couple of friends who have chosen not to have children who like the excuse to go and do kid activities/see kids films. Often confirms their life choices so its only occasionally, but you know, never turn it down.

Ask key worker at nursery if they can do the odd few hours. We still have dd's to sit occasionally he's amazing and dd now 6.5.

I absolutely feel your pain. Abusive family on my side, his side don't like me and accordingly won't babysit. No spare money whatsoever to hire anyone.

Make time each week, two weeks maybe, to book in a date night for when the kids are in bed. Dress up a bit, take it in turns to cook a fancy dinner, talk to each other, spoil each other with your time.

OH and i had a really long week last week so I put together a 'cuddle kit for 2' for date night- a big blanket, hot chocolate sachets with marshmallows and whipped cream, and a soppy movie. Snuggling up and relaxing together for a couple of hours is lovely.
Just taking that time to rejuvenate each week and be close helps stave off burn out- they won't be young forever so you need to relax hardcore when you get the chance. I'm talking back rubs, bubble bath, wine if possible, and feeling like a human again.

I'm in a similar position. No family on either side to do any childcare, the most time off I get is a couple of hours a month, or sometimes only every two months, then DH looks after them. I lose patience with them quite often and it makes me feel like a bad mother.

Does your dh get time alone outside of work without the kids for a hobby or anything?

The problem is your do opting out of parenting.

Having a ft job is no excuse for only having them 2 hrs a week to go shopping!

I'm guessing you do all the wifework too?

I think you might find being a working single mum easier! Then at least you'll have 3 DCs not 4!

Read the book 'wifework'.

You do realise that seeing 2hrs of food shopping alone and the possibility of studying one evening a week as your time off is barking mad?! Take some actual me-time that doesn't involve doing some task for the household. DH can manage his own dc for another couple of hours.

Try adds online?
I used to have to trek to aldi and lidl to keep costs down but found adds wasn't really much more if done online and I buy alot of asda smartprice stuff and it's no different.

I would put money aside if u can and use a babysitter service once every few months for a night our?

Why not phone some and get quotes so you know what you are looking at for a start.

Also when I'm feeling like you are and a bit skint, I get dp to have kids downstairs or go park or visit grandparents etc for a few hours and I do my own little spa.
Hot bubble bath with a bath bomb, colour my hair. Tint eyebrows, Mani pedi etc
I always feel better after doing that.
Like a great to yourself.
Then I watch shit TV with some chocolate!

It's like a no cost 'me' day

Iv been there and it is so tough! 3 under 5 is so demanding. It will get easier! Mine are 7,5&3 now and I do feel I have myself back.

Do try to get some time to yourself and don't do the food shopping! Do the shopping with the kids ( I know it's a pain) and save your free time for something that is only for you!

Student studying childcare at the local college may be willing to babysit for a reasonable amount.

Get dh to shop on the way home from work - alternatively try morrisons online and stick rigidly to a list. Then take your two hours to do something else.

There's a service called speedy childcare where you can hire someone to look after your kids for literally just a couple of hours. There's no contract or anything like that. Theres no set schedule you have to follow, it's just as and when you need it. X

I use Asda online shopping. Minimum spend is £40 and some delivery slots can cost as little as a quid.

I buy all my shopping except meat from there and then I go to the local butcher for that so shopping times are massively cut. Save your shopping lists so you can reorder without having to sit and scroll through everything.