To ask how the fuck im going to cope with a 3 year old and a newborn

[abbinob]

as a single parent?
Baby due end of march. Split up this week so it's all new and it's panicking me a lot, I'm really, really worried about not coping.

I know people do it all the time, but how?
all i remember about babies is that they magically take up all your time whilst not doing very much.
the 3 year old starts school when the baby will be 6 months, and i can that making everything a lot easier.
The dad will help ( same dad) i imagine but not massively, he won't be able to have either over night or anything like that and i doubt he would be mega reliable.
and what do i do about contact with the baby? I'm not really going to want him coming here all the time incase it confuses DS but i also no way would want my newborn away from me regularly either

You will cope, cos you just have to. I know that sounds harsh but you're a woman, a very capable woman, and you'll do fine.
Second time round babies do have to slot in a bit. But I found the dragged out feeding of the new born also a time to chill with eldest child (aged 2) - read books together etc.

It's so much better being on your own dealing with everything than factoring in your (valid) expectations of another adult who lets you down.

Second time round I found the baby stage easier. You are more chilled. The hardest part will be the first few weeks until baby starts to settle. I think the best thing to try and do would be establish a routine. Is there a close friend or family member that will be able to help at all?
Also before your due date batch cook and freeze meals so in the morning you just need to take something out to defrost then heat at night. And fully stock your cupboards with snacks for you and toddler. I found cooking too much of a chore for the first month.
If they don't already, try and encourage your older child to start being able to dress/undress them selves and get into pj's themselves, it will make things a bit easier.
Also invest in a sling that you can pop baby into in the house. My second screamed when put down so I got a sling and it was great. Kept my hands free to help toddler when needed. I still have it and can send it to you if you would like.
You will surprise yourself and you will cope. It is easier to do on your own than with a partner is no good.

I was in your situation and it was a lot easier than I thought it would be.
As you say newborns don't move unless you move them and by the time they are active the older child has matured even more. Also I found that knowing I'd be on my own from the outset made it easier to cope. I think I would have found it harder if my partner had left and had been some support.

It'll be fine! Babies aren't too much work especially if you breastfeed and have them in a sling most of the day. And 3 years old isn't too little to help with bits and bobs: passing the nappies, passing the muslin, fetching a baby toy, amusing the baby for a few mins while you cook dinner. You and 3yo just need to carry on doing what you do now, with baby in tow. I have had 3 under 4 and am on own, it's quite absorbing as you don't have headspace for anything but babies and children, but it's fine, you'll cope. Feed them, wash and dress them, play with toddler a bit, go for a trip out, get them to bed.

You will be fine. It's bloody hard work and things are only just starting to calm down a bit now youngest DC is 4 months old. But we are coping 😊

(Disclaimer, not a single parent but DH works away a lot and does long shifts when home so having to cope alone majority of the time)

thankyou im sure you're all right and it will just work out cause it has to. I felt ok about all of this until today when ex dp had been to collect his stuff and had left and DS was playing up because he'd gone and i was trying to tidy up I got this sudden overwhelming lonely, doomed feeling and couldn't stop crying might have been the hormones though!

I'm thinking of maybe going back to work (i work only 3 days a week) pretty soon after the baby is born, maybe 3 or 4 months or so but i don't know if that is a really bad idea or not? My thinking being that if i do that i get a bit of time talking to adults and won't go mad with being stuck at home with DS and the baby all day every day.

It's daunting but you'll be absolutely fine. My DD is 2 in January and my son is 2 weeks old, DD is eligible for free childcare in April which will be a massive help.

I find the worst is the lack of sleep from a newborn with a demanding toddler, but were coping.

I blasted my entire house before baby was born so everything was tidy and organised,

We go for a short walk every day so DD is a little more entertained,

It's a bit lonely for me as I don't have any family and only one friend, but it is copeable

You'll be fine, newborns ease you into things x

I had three under three - twins then a DS 20 months later, believe me, if I could cope, you will

Sling
Lots of TV
Someone to take the 3yo once in a while to the park and then you nap with baby
Don't fear the sleep deprivation you handle it fine the second time
Cleaner, if you can afford - if in good terms with exh it might be something he'd contribute to
Lower your standards massively when it comes to bribing the 3 year old with crisps/tv time/tidying up /food.

Good luck! X

Does your 3yr old have their free childcare hours yet? If not and they are coming up, get that sorted asap, it'll certainly help both you and your DC. They'll be getting to have fun with other kids, you'll get time with the newborn and the feeling that you are in some kind of control of being a mum of 2!

re going back to work, park that for now. Get your new lo safely here first. Hope it all goes well, you can do this xx

First babies take all your time. Second babies get rocked and fed a lot while you read stories to the toddler, and that's no bad thing. We had one thing a day to get out of the house for - classes or meeting up with a friend - and that helped me. Leisure centre soft play, ie a big hall with big foam wedges and bouncy castle, was great as I could tote the baby around easily. I had a lovely lovely friend who had her 2nd the same time as me, and she was fantastic for keeping me sane.

Admittedly I don't do pregnancy well, but I found toddler plus newborn much easier than being pregnant and taking care of a toddler.

I ended up a SP when i was expecting dc6!
You will cope.

Get organised.
Get some support organised.

Exdp used to visit dd at home. He started taking her out at about 8/9 months. She was EBF so it was easier in some respects.

You just learn to cope. Challenges come & go. But it does get easier.

Best of luck

Establish a solid routine now. It will help the 3yo tremendously when the baby comes (and make your life easier), and eventually the baby will slip into the same routine.

Don't worry or knock yourself too much for relying on TV, iPads, other gadgety things if they're the only thing that's going to keep DC1 contented and occupied.

Go out for walks and go to the park a lot. It's an easy, free thing to do, is good for all of you, and will keep the 3yo occupied.

If you don't want your ex coming over to your house, I'd suggest a neutral setting. Maybe the park in summer, and a library in winter? He could also take your first child for the day, without taking the second one. He should understand that he can't take the baby until they're a bit older.

Honestly the others are right. 3yrs between mine. Big one adores baby, baby thinks ds is the bees knees. Ds does anything he can for baby, I came to the doorway after hearing baby cry while cooking yesterday and ds had his hand stroking baby and 'reading' to him.
Baby is easier than I remember ds being. So much easier. Less clingy less demanding more sociable. I'm up for a night feed and don't mind a bit.
Don't get me wrong, the first couple of months are harder. But you try to get help if that fails, ask nursery for increased hours so a full day instead of two half.
My two light my world. I don't want anyone else, the thought of someone else interfering on our time annoys me haha and that's with the baby seeing dad regularly.
Good luck you'll be amazing

I think maybe ex isnt going to be much help.
He seems to have decided he's more of a babysitter than a parent, he's had ds Friday whilst I was at work (for 2 hours after nursery..) and today he had him again but text me as soon as I'd finished work to see if I was home because he wanted to bring ds back. Before this he'd not seen him all week.
Ds came back reeking of fags which is great seeing as he was only rerecently in hospital with asthma I HATE this.
I don't think he even knows what this baby's due date is tbh.