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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about teachers assuming there's always a parent at home?

88 replies

mangoparfait · 09/12/2016 15:05

Went to parents evening earlier this week with DC, who has mocks in Jan.

All the teachers have agreed to offer additional support after school to pupils who need it. Which is great, not knocking that at all. I think it's a really good thing.

Attendance is voluntary, but as DC mentioned during the parents eve that some general revision help would be useful, plus more specifically there were certain elements of 2 subjects that just hadn't 'clicked', teachers and I agreed coming to the afterschool sessions would be helpful. DC mentioned they'd planned to come to one earlier in the week, but forgot, came home after school (we live 10 mins from school) and went out to play sport. Oh, says teacher 1, next time you do that, your mum will have to just send you back to school (nodding at me).

To which I said I'd happily do so, except for the fact I'm not at home at 3.10pm, I'm at work. Teacher looked amazed.

Fair enough I thought - until we then had a similar conversation with the next teacher!

I quite understand DC needs to stay for these sessions, and am not seeking to argue that, it is for their benefit, and although going at the end of a school day can seem an unexciting prospect, equally it will help them. And they need to make sure they remember (which I can help with by calling/ texting them as a reminder after school). But I won't be at home as I work ft!

Is that really so unusual? If it was one teacher I'd have brushed it off, but 2, I'm a bit surprised tbh.

OP posts:
myfavouritecolourispurple · 09/12/2016 15:08

It is not at all unusual for mothers to work. IF YOU ARE A TEACHER PLEASE BEAR THIS IN MIND AND MAKE SURE YOUR COLLEAGUES DO TOO.

However, schools (especially primary) seem to still think we are in the 1950s.

i am surprised you had that experience at a secondary school though!

Original poster
mangoparfait · 09/12/2016 15:08

Actually, annoyed is a bit strong. A bit put out and surprised is probably fairer.

OP posts:
Original poster
mangoparfait · 09/12/2016 15:09

It happened a lot at primary although in fairness more from the staff in the school office than the teachers.

OP posts:
smEGGnogg · 09/12/2016 15:11

Our school makes this assumption too. And although I am a sahm, it annoys me because more often than not they request that I don't take my younger child with me to whatever event they organise. Also, health and safety means if I can take the baby I'm not allowed my pushchair in the building so must carry my heavy 14 month old around while she screams about not being allowed to crawl around the floor!

nornironrock · 09/12/2016 15:11

Nope, annoyed is spot on. We get it all the time at our kids school too. That, and the assumption that we can provide beautifully made costumes at two-days notice, or that we can "pop in" for a half-hour reading sessions at 11am on a Wednesday morning.

My parents (both of whom were teachers) assure me it has always been the same.

SnatchedPencil · 09/12/2016 15:14

Just tell them you're at work. They probably assume that there is someone at home when their child gets home from school, and that they are not just left "home alone" until a parent finishes work.

It may be sexist to assume it's the mother who will be at home - but statistically, it really is more likely to be the mother who stays at home. An outdated assumption, but one based on historical and modern statistical fact.

Original poster
mangoparfait · 09/12/2016 15:17

I'm a single parent, so there is only me that could be at home. DC is 15, 16 next year - surely most children that age don't have a parent at home all day/ when school finishes?

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 09/12/2016 15:17

Ah yes. Always felt like the bad mum who couldn't attend a special school assembly (every week), or couldn't come in to do reading/cooking/anything voluntary, making costumes at short notice, sports days, plays/anything.

Annoyingly, we have do to that thing called earning money to pay the bills Grin

Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 15:20

I'm sorry you encountered such a strange reactions. I've never assumed parents are at home. Because they rarely are!

Manumission · 09/12/2016 15:28

If that drives you mad - and I don't blame you - FGS don't make it worse by having a child with SN. When that happens you give up the right to your independence entirely and are viewed as a kind of maid Wink

pinkmagic1 · 09/12/2016 15:28

I get this too with my dd's primary, not had it from dh's secondry.
Just last week I was sent a message from dd's teacher saying dd's class were singing in Friday morning enssembly and she really hoped we could all attend. How to make a working mum feel guilty!

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 15:29

It is mildly irritating, yes.

pinkmagic1 · 09/12/2016 15:29

Ds's secondry, bloody autocorrect!

madcatwoman61 · 09/12/2016 15:31

I had that many years ago - even then I think many mothers worked. My Dd was causing concern with her behaviour, and I was asked by her teacher if I could come in a couple of mornings a week to work with her, as it would be helpful to her. I had two younger pre-school children, and had just started a full time college course (with a crèche) - I explained this to her, and she just looked at me and said 'yes, but I do think it would be helpful' 🤔

smEGGnogg · 09/12/2016 15:32

Achievement assemblies as well. Ugh. Hate them.. Get the text the night before 'Your child has been chosen as star of the week. Assembly is at 9am sharp.' I'm thinking gah! Fgs, I can't be there and dropping one off at nursery/taking the baby for jabs etc at the same time!

DeepanKrispanEven · 09/12/2016 15:32

I could never understand this, particularly given that many teachers are mothers themselves. It used to drive me mad when I got home after a hard day's work to find a note saying the dc needed something the next day and I had no hope whatsoever of finding any shop open that could supply it.

SirChenjin · 09/12/2016 15:33

They probably assume that there is someone at home when their child gets home from school, and that they are not just left "home alone" until a parent finishes work

The 'child' is a teenager about to sit her exams (and probably heading off to uni in a year or so) - perfectly capable, or certainly should be capable, of being "home alone" Grin

YANBU OP. I'm sure that schools don't mean to do this, but there are a significant number of teachers who appear to be stuck c.1953 in terms of their expectations of parents (and mums in particular).

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 15:35

I don't think if annoying for a school to inform you about what is going on in case you want to/can attend. It must be annoying for them to need you to attend for non-urgent matters.

Flip side, though, as a teacher, is that I have had parents complaining that I can't meet them during the school day (when I am actually teaching their children!) because that happens to be the only time they are available, or I can't do a 6pm start for a meeting they, not I, have requested. People do expect a lot of other people that is basically unreasonable sometimes!

KarmaNoMore · 09/12/2016 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susannahmoodie · 09/12/2016 15:50

I am a teacher and I would never assume that because I myself work FT so am not at home!!!!

lifeissweet · 09/12/2016 16:08

I've had it both ways from the school where I work now.

My DS used to go there and I was constantly being asked to attend things that I couldn't go to - and was made to feel endlessly guilty about it. When I was on maternity leave with DD, I got to go to a couple of things and had loads of barbed comments like 'oh! That's what DS's mum looks like. We've never met you because you never come to anything!'

Now I teach there and can't get any time out to go DD's events at her school because I'm teaching.

So now I get the guilt trips from DD's school instead.

Can't win.

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 16:09

Ridiculous, bearing in mind that the teachers themselves work full time. Do they think they are the only ones in the world with jobs. I think I would say something to them next time like 'just like you work full time, so do I, so I will not be at home at 3.10 pm and nor will the vast majority of working parents'. This attitude needs to stop.

ConstantlyCooking · 09/12/2016 16:10

Even more annoying - I am a teacher and still get calls from the DCs' schools asking why it i haven't answered my mobile when they need to be picked up because they are sick. We have explained/written/emailed that the first call should always be to DH then to our au pair!
I cannot have my phone switched on for the most of the day because I AM A TEACHER. How can the school not understand this?????

lifeissweet · 09/12/2016 16:12

Case in point. - DD was sick just after lunch today. I was in a play rehearsal all afternoon and nowhere near my phone (and never am when I'm teaching anyway)

When I finally picked up the messages on saying she was ill it was 2 hours later. I got round there and got a massive telling off from her teacher that they had been 'trying to get hold of you all afternoon'

Did anyone call the school number on her contact form?

No.

Well do you have your phone on you while you're teaching? Thought not.

Engage brain.

(I am still upset about this. She was in school being sick all afternoon and I got a telling off for being uncontactable - when I'm not!)

lilybetsy · 09/12/2016 16:12

Blimey, I am a single parent and am not at home when my kids 11, 14 and 18 come in.

I usually managed to have someone around when the youngest was a primary, but its not feasible now.

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