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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked for an apology?

78 replies

Timeforausernamechange · 09/12/2016 13:52

We were at the soft play and DS (13 months) was playing on a light up floor game with another tiny toddler when they were joined by 3 boisterous 4-5 year olds. I was fine with this as there was plenty of space. However the largest of the other children accidentally sent DS flying. DS is a younger sibling and fairly robust but he hit the ground hard and started screaming.
I picked him up and turned to the other child and said " Could you say sorry to the baby?" (I Was sitting down and had to look up to the child and spoke very softly) immediately his mum who had been standing behind us rushed over and upset - I explained that I had only asked him to say sorry. She said "No. He (my DS) is just a baby and he (her DS) didn't do anything, he was just dancing"

What does it matter if my DS is just a baby? Is it ok to knock him flying? I was livid but didn't want to make a scene and so scooped up screaming DS and left the area. She stood over her DS and his friends on the floor area for the next 30 mins and no other children went on. ( I was sitting down with DS waiting for DD to play in another part of the play area.)

AIBU to have spoken to this child? I did not know that his mum was there ( we'd previously had to leave the toddler are as these boys were throwing the soft play cushions about and being rude - with no parent in sight).

Was she BU to say that her son didn't need to say sorry as my DS is 'only a baby'?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/12/2016 19:40

I agree unless it was an inset day they are likely to be 3/4 rather than school age and at 13 months he is more a toddler than a baby.

She should have said sorry was your daughter ok and accidents happen . But I wonder if you going straight in irritated her did you say it in a way you upset her child and that prompted her (wrong) response

You do sound a bit precious these type of incident happen all the time and this one was an accident next time may not be but at soft play they happen. In two years you may well be the other parent.

HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 20:31

I would have expected the parent to support me in getting an apology.

But it isn't your child and your DC doesn't know/care whether an apology is forthcoming. This comes down to a parenting decision. Some people insist on automatic apologies some people prefer to keep apologies genuine (i.e. not just something they're forced to come out with whether they mean it or not).

It's not your place to insist on an apology. Of course if the boy was doing something dangerous you'd be well within your rights to tell him to stop.

Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2016 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Timeforausernamechange · 09/12/2016 20:46

Interesting comments. I am well aware that the child might have been younger than he looked. However he was at least the size of an average 6 year old - I'm guessing he was large for his age as I would have expected him to be at school. I over heard him talking to others and based my estimation of his age as much on this as simply his size.

I didn't leave DS unattended- I was right there. We were in the general area as I was also trying to keep an eye on my other child. This is a large soft play and we only go when it is very quiet, and full of toddlers, during school time. When DS started playing there it was only him and another 'baby'.

I realise now that I didn't choose my words carefully - I simply said what I would have said to my own DD (3) if she had accidentally hurt someone.

I was not upset in anyway by the child's actions or reaction. It was the mum. She came over and had a go as soon as she saw me look at him. She cannot have heard what I said. I am also assuming she saw it as she told me it was accident. She did not ask me what had happened.

What annoyed me is the idea that DS had less right to enjoy dancing than any other child.

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 09/12/2016 20:52

I don't understand how you're being accused of not watching him OP when you clearly said you were holding him. People would soon call you precious if you swung him away from every child who came within a 2 foot radius!

Soft play is a political minefield isn't it Grin

bumsexatthebingo · 09/12/2016 21:36

Not sure I understand Arfarf. If your child/children always care when they have bumped into someone why would you need to make them apologise?

Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 22:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 22:21

*And some people prefer to teach their children that you apologise when you have hurt someone, whether you meant to or not, because they feel that is the right thing to do. To teach children to care how their actions, however unintentional, affect others.
*

But forcing a child to say "sorry" when they aren't sorry doesn't necessarily teach them to care it just teaches them to trot out a word if an adult is there. My DS does apologise automatically for this kind of thing (because he's seen me do it and I take the time to talk to him and help him understand how the other kid is feeling not because I force him) but it's not my place to force other kids to do the same.

Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumbs1 · 09/12/2016 22:28

Why put your baby in the way of excited 4-5 year olds? Why take a baby to a ghastly soft play area except with other babies/mums at set baby time? You probably terrified the 4 year old. The baby has no idea what an apology is. Look,after your your baby and it wouldn't have happened.

bumsexatthebingo · 09/12/2016 22:48

But the child trotting out a sorry because the op told him to wouldn't necessarily be sorry. Preschool kids don't have fully developed theory of mind/empathy. The kid may not have actually felt sorry so why make him say it? I'm presuming not for the benefit of the 13 month old?

MyWineTime · 09/12/2016 22:59

You didn't ask for the apology for your 13 month old's benefit, you were trying to tell the other child they had done something wrong and you wanted an apology.

Forced apologies are a complete waste of time. Some kids become experts at throwing a sorry around without having any consideration for the person they are apologising to.
Children need to understand that something they have done has hurt someone else so they learn what apologies are about.

You would have been better off saying 'Can you give each other a bit more space please so you don't bump into each other?'

Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gillybean76 · 09/12/2016 23:44

If it was my 4-5 year old I would have got him to apologise, accident or not.

If i accidentally bumped into someone as an adult I would say sorry, so I would expect the same from my kids.

Gillybean76 · 09/12/2016 23:44

As an adult. Jeez, I am an adult! ( in years at least!)

CauliflowerSqueeze · 09/12/2016 23:49

YANBU

KoalaDownUnder · 10/12/2016 02:26

I just don't see the point of 'Say sorry to the baby'. The baby doesn't understand, so it's a teaching moment for the older child, surely - which is up to his parent.

I suppose I just think it's best to avoid requesting apologies from young children you don't know at soft play. It's not like playing with neighbours or friends, where you trust each other to monitor behaviour; they don't know you and vice versa, so move on.

DarkNanny · 10/12/2016 02:32

Soft play avoid they are a nightmare go for a walk instead

Pluto30 · 10/12/2016 02:36

"Say sorry to the baby" sounds like something I'd tell my sons when they accidentally hurt their younger sister. It's not the kind of phrasing I'd use with other peoples' kids (especially not total strangers).

I don't see much point taking a baby to softplay anyway. It's targeted at toddlers and children. It's destined to end in an injury.

nooka · 10/12/2016 02:45

I hated soft play when my two were very small, but my children loved to scramble around and on cold wet days it was something they really enjoyed. The OP has two toddlers, why shouldn't she have taken them there? Surely the person who should have moderated their behaviour was the boisterous boy who pushed the babies out of their safe area and then sent the toddler flying?

To be honest OP you might have done better with an 'oy be more careful' than your kinder approach. yYu still might have got grief from the other mother, but perhaps the little boy might have been a bit more careful in future (which is the real point isn't it?

Pluto30 · 10/12/2016 02:48

They didn't push the babies out of "their safe area". OP said it was a big enough space for all, and didn't say that it was specifically for babies. She also said that the child accidentally sent her DS flying. The kid didn't come along and give him a whopping great kick.

nooka · 10/12/2016 02:54

The OP said that they had left the toddler area as the group of boys were throwing cushions and being rude, so I think it's fair to say that they pushed out the babies.

Toadinthehole · 10/12/2016 03:32

YWNBU. Accidents happen. We still apologise for them. Other mother sounds like a fishwife.