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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked for an apology?

78 replies

Timeforausernamechange · 09/12/2016 13:52

We were at the soft play and DS (13 months) was playing on a light up floor game with another tiny toddler when they were joined by 3 boisterous 4-5 year olds. I was fine with this as there was plenty of space. However the largest of the other children accidentally sent DS flying. DS is a younger sibling and fairly robust but he hit the ground hard and started screaming.
I picked him up and turned to the other child and said " Could you say sorry to the baby?" (I Was sitting down and had to look up to the child and spoke very softly) immediately his mum who had been standing behind us rushed over and upset - I explained that I had only asked him to say sorry. She said "No. He (my DS) is just a baby and he (her DS) didn't do anything, he was just dancing"

What does it matter if my DS is just a baby? Is it ok to knock him flying? I was livid but didn't want to make a scene and so scooped up screaming DS and left the area. She stood over her DS and his friends on the floor area for the next 30 mins and no other children went on. ( I was sitting down with DS waiting for DD to play in another part of the play area.)

AIBU to have spoken to this child? I did not know that his mum was there ( we'd previously had to leave the toddler are as these boys were throwing the soft play cushions about and being rude - with no parent in sight).

Was she BU to say that her son didn't need to say sorry as my DS is 'only a baby'?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shiftymake · 09/12/2016 14:57

I wouldn't demand another child to say sorry but I do make sure that my 5 year old says sorry and that is something that we started very early on when something happened.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 09/12/2016 15:00

So it was an accident?? An oh dear, never mind and carry on from you would have sorted the situation, you made it into a bigger deal than it needed to bring by demanding an apology for a mishap.

Precious and unnecessary IMO.

FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 09/12/2016 15:08

YANBU.

I expect my children to say sorry for accidents, and don't mind (as part of learning process) if strangers politely ask them to do so , if they forget.

Put if into context, as an adult, if you accidentally knock someone in a busy shop, you say 'sorry'. I expect the same of children. But children need to learn this. 4/5 year olds are old enough to learn, but need lots of prompting....

I think we should all aim for a civilised society, not an entitled one. [My child is entitled to hurt another child if it was an accident... ]

knaffedoff · 09/12/2016 15:10

Wouldn't most 4/5 year olds be in school today? Could the child have been a big 3 year old?

Even so I really think it depends on the child my ds 1 who is nearly 8 would most likely freeze and look for reassurance himself however ds 2 would have got the first aider Grin

WritersBlockk · 09/12/2016 15:12

He didn't do it deliberately and is just a toddler. These things happen. YABU.

Ilovewillow · 09/12/2016 15:13

I would have expected my 3 yr old to apologise, he does as a matter of course, so a 4-5 yr old then yes! However, with no apology coming I would have probably just asked him to be careful of the little ones. As an aside it's sometimes difficult to tell the age my 3 yr old wears 4-5 or 5/6 clothes he's so tall and people often assume he's older and more capable than he is!

creakyknees13 · 09/12/2016 15:16

He didn't do it deliberately and is just a toddler. These things happen. YABU

Well, 4-5 is hardly a toddler is it? But I agree with a PP who pointed out that a 4-5 yo would be in school, so more likely to be an overgrown 3 yo.

ElizabethHoney · 09/12/2016 15:17

YWNBU.

And yes, children should learn to instinctively apologise for accidents. It's called good manners!

Arfarfanarf · 09/12/2016 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnatchedPencil · 09/12/2016 15:56

You say it was an accident. Considering his age I don't think you can expect an apology. If you go to a place like this where kids are larking about, sometimes incidents like this will happen.

Would the child have genuinely been sorry? They hadn't actually deliberately done anything that they should be sorry for. You want the child to apologise for the accident, but the apology is for your benefit, not your baby's, who is too young to understand anything other than that they've been hurt.

It would be more reasonable to say that a 13 month old should not be playing with 4 or 5 year olds. There is obviously a huge difference between the size of them, and it really isn't a good idea for them to be thrashing around in close proximity with a baby. You will know for next time that it is worth taking your baby out of a potentially dangerous situation before they have a chance to get harmed. The fact that the management don't see this mixture of ages as a problem doesn't mean that you can't.

Remember too that people don't like others criticising their children and/or parenting skills, even if the child is in the wrong. Think about all the parents on Mumsnet who post complaints about their child being victimised by teachers, teachers issuing unfair punishments, not treating their child with respect, and so on. Parents do not like others punishing their child and usually look upon their child as the innocent party. It's usually someone else's fault!

People tend to fall into two camps; those who apologise too much and those who don't do it enough. Neither is a perfect state of affairs. The person who doesn't apologise looks rude, but the person who apologises over every little thing risks belittling the word through overuse. If you always apologise including when things are not your fault, how can someone tell whether you are being sincere or just saying "sorry" through habit?

Manners may not cost anything, but politeness to one person appears as insincerity to another.

bumsexatthebingo · 09/12/2016 16:12

I think ywbu. Demanding a reluctant sorry from a toddler who may not have even realised they'd knocked your child over is a bit much. I don't force apologies from my own children. I get them to think about what they could do to help the other child feel better which may well be a sincere apology rather than a forced, grudging one. Forcing apologies may teach kids to say sorry when an adult is around but it doesn't teach empathy. In your situation I would have concentrated on comforting my child and either asking the other children to be a bit more careful it reassessing whether it was a good idea for a 1 yr old to play in that part now it was busier.

HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 16:16

Sounds like you made a big deal out of an accident - the boy might have felt scared about being told off (even if this wasn't what you intended) and is not like your DS would have cared about an apology. Also sounds like his mum made a big deal out of you asking her DS to say sorry.

This is why I hate soft plays. When my DS was tiny there always seemed to be huge rambunctious 8 year olds in the toddler area, now he's 4 there always seem to be tiny toddlers in the big kids bit and I'm terrified of him knocking them over.

Crunchymum · 09/12/2016 16:17

My usual tactic is to say to the older child

"Oh sweetie, watch out for the little one, you don't want to hurt them"

So in a non confrontational way I am pointing out that they have to be careful of the smaller kids.

rookiemere · 09/12/2016 16:22

Something I've learnt is that if another DC is hurting your DC then encouraging a situation where the DPs are likely to get involved is not going to end well. Just think about where the DC gets their behaviours from.

Another thing I've thought of is that the DC could have been a lot younger than he looked. My friends twins were huge when they were young and wearing clothes 3-4 years older than they were, but obviously only had the reactions and control of their actual age, so the DS might have been younger than you thought.

Anyway as I said above, could have been avoided if your DS had been in the age appropriate toddlers section.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/12/2016 16:41

What would be the purpose of the apology?

FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 09/12/2016 17:16

A child accidentally knocks over another child. The knocked over child is hurt.

The child should apologise.
(not a long winded berating or anything, just a quick apology.)

I'm Shocked that this is even being debated.

it shouldn't be a big deal, just a quick acknowledgement of cause and effect, basic empathy, ..civil society. To say that the child doesn't need to acknowledge that a child is hurt is astounding.

ChuckGravestones · 09/12/2016 17:25

What would be the purpose of the apology?

What is the purpose of any apology?

Lndnmummy · 09/12/2016 18:52

The safety of your 13 month old on a soft play area full of toddlers isn't his responsibility, it's yours.

This

It is not in your place to demand an apology frm someone elses child. An "oh dear, careful with the baby" is fine but a "say sorry to the baby is really precious and unnecessary I think.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/12/2016 18:58

I would ask my 2 year old to apologise in this situation. She might or might not but in three years time I would be very cross if she didn't when prompted. Ywnbu.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 09/12/2016 19:07

I would expect my 3yo DD to apologise for knocking a baby over, even if it was an accident. Surely it's good manners to apologise when you've hurt someone, wether or not you meant to?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 09/12/2016 19:09

I'm a bit Hmm that so many people take offence at expecting a child to apologise. FFS no one is saying the OP's son is anyone else's responsibility! But children should apologise for hurting people even when they didn't mean to

bumsexatthebingo · 09/12/2016 19:21

I'm not offended I just aim to teach my kids to actually feel sorry if they do something like accidentally knock into someone and choose to say sorry because they think it's the right thing to do. Not just parrot it because an adult has told them to say sorry. I'm pretty sure my kids would say sorry/check someone was ok whether I was there to make them or not. An apology a child has been told they must give is no apology at all. And kids are less likely to apologise when parents aren't there. They need to make the link between feeling sorry and wanting to make amends rather than just saying it to avoid getting into trouble.

Sandsnake · 09/12/2016 19:32

I think 4/5 is certainly old enough to know that a) you need to moderate your behaviour around those smaller than you to avoid them being hurt and b) you should apologise if you hurt someone even if it's an accident. That said, I probably would have asked the kid to be more careful rather than asking for an apology. By the sound of the mother she may have acted in a similarly defensive way though, by virtue of you saying anything to her child at all.

NavyandWhite · 09/12/2016 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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