Or is my DH regarding our son being bitten at Nursery.

[Writerwannabe83]

My husband phoned me earlier today after he'd picked DS up from nursery (he's aged 2yr 10m) to says he'd been bitten twice whilst there.

When I came home from work I saw one bite on DS's thumb, which was really red and there was a bruise underneath the nail, and the second bite had left a full on circular mark of the child's mouth on his left arm with some marking that were indentations from the teeth.

The child who did both bites was just under two years old.

My husband was furious about it.

I on the other hand said some young toddlers just go through a biting phase and that's not to say it is acceptable but at the same time it's just something that happened and nobody is culpable I.e it isn't the Nursery's fault.

I said it could just have easily been our son who hurt another child and reminded him that it was only 6/7 months ago that DS's previous childminder had to tell us that he was frequently pushing other children and causing them to fall over and hurt themselves. My DH said, "True, but biting is different."

My DH has said he wants to remove DS from the nursery.

I was upset when I saw the bite marks because I obviously don't like to think of my DS being hurt but I don't think this one off incident justifies pulling DS out of the nursery.

I said to DH that even if we did change Nursery there's no guarantee that DS wouldn't receive a similar injury, or another type of injury inflicted by or caused by another young child.

My husband seems to think I'm not taking it seriously enough whereas I am currently of the thinking that it's unfortunate it happened but as a one off event it's not enough to change childcare setting.

So who is BU?
What would you do?

BravoPanda Thu 08-Dec-16 23:13:53
"Question, folks (lighthearted) Do you remember kids biting when you were at nursery/preschool/montessori?"

I was a biter in the 1960s if that is of any interest. (I've grown out of it since). So was one of my db's, but not the other two.

Dd was a biter in the 1990s, ds was bitten in the early 2000s. From what I have heard/read, it's something that has always been happening, but now it's more out in the open, because people get more upset when it's other people's children doing it to theirs. I never went to nursery, so my main targets were my own family.

Thank you everyone,

To try and answer some questions:

The nursery I attend is for children with medical needs as well as able bodied/NT children, for example it cares for children with Down's Syndrome, Spina Bifida, Cerebal Palsy etc and all staff have had medical training to meet the needs of those children. The nursery came recommended to us from someone whose opinion I completely trust and when we went to view it earlier this year I knew straight away it was the place for DS.

They don't separate the ages of children they are all just left to socialise together and this was one of the reasons why it appealed to me. The youngest is about 8 months and the oldest is 10 years. It seems odd saying there's a 10 year old at my son's nursery but they provide before and after care to some children who attend the local school for children with additional needs.

The ratio of staff to children is 6/7 staff to 15-20 children depending on their specific numbers for the day.

He's been there about 6 months now and this is the first time he's been hurt by another child. When DH asked DS who had done the bites our DS named the child and it's actually the son of one of the nursery workers - awkward.

My DH does nursery drop-offs and pick-ups but I'm going to collect him on Monday and I will have a word with the staff myself to try and get some clarity on that happened and how the situation is being monitored.

I wil also speak to DH tonight and see if he's seeing things in a more realistic light today

When I was younger, my DM got a call from nursery to say that my DSis had been bitten by another child. Naturally, just DM went mad at the nursery for not keeping her child safe - she was going on about removing her from nursery.

She went to pick up DSis two days later and was met at the nursery door with "DSis BIT a child today" 😳

My DS - 22 months- has been bitten twice at nursery. Once they didn't see it happen and the second time was on his cheek and the children who did it was already being supervised for biting! It's horrible and I was angry but the nursery acted appropriately and reviewed it on the cctv. My little boy isn't a biter luckily so it's hard to see the other side but I would be mortified if he did bite! He is otherwise very happy. I think if you are otherwise happy with the nursery and the staff dealt with it well it would be a shame to move him.

YANBU. Biting is normal. If it was a daily occurrence and your son felt unsafe there I would feel that the nursery should be doing more to supervise especially when they know the other child is going through a biting phase. A one off incident though I wouldn't think twice about. Just as likely to happen at whatever new nursery you find.

I do wonder why we have such a thing about biting. Of course it's not nice but I've worked with young children for 10 years and never has a child been seriously injured by a bite, they are less serious than a grazed knee in terms of the actual injury. I also find it interesting that we generally accept toddlers will throw temper tantrums, snatch, push and hit and know that we deal with that behaviour but it is 'normal', whereas biting sits outside of this. It's actually rather harsh and unrealistic to the poor 2 year olds who are demonised for a behaviour that is pretty normal. They are little, they are learning, give them a break.

IME it's the parents who are upset when their child has been bitten, whereas the child moves on and gets over it much quicker. I've had a parent say "it's devastating". All I could think was for goodness sake! Pull yourself together woman! I've worked with kids with serious health problems, those who have been abused and neglected. Those things are 'devastating'. A bite (between toddlers) is common place.

I would ask the nursery what they have in place to help. Have they informed the other parent? But also bear in mine they can't promise it will never happen again. You can't be on top of them all day and you can be sat right next to a child and they still bite, they move fast!

Biting happens. Always has, it is just that way back when there was not this insistence on accident reports. I have had one biter and one bitee and the nursery just dealt with it. Between us, nursery and I stopped DD1 biting in about 3 weeks. Your DH is massively overreacting.

2 year old DS was bitten last week at nursery - I had to sign an injury form etc. I was chilled out about it, these things happen etc... But when I picked him up the next day, the little beast had bitten a child himself! So much more embarrassing!

He's come home tonight with another nasty bite from the same child. That's two days in a row now

OP as the mother of a nearly-two-yo biter YANBU but you would also not BU to ask for a meeting with the nursery manager about it.

At our nursery, by now that child would be on chart/ behaviour management plan, and would be separated wherever possible from the bitee.

I sometimes get upset about stuff that happens at nursery. But then I think: mostly, DD loves it. Sounds also like your nursery is quite specialist. So, what would she feel if tomorrow I told her she was never going back? In DD case she would be heartbroken. So, whatever annoying issue I'm having is never worth the total disruption, uncertainty, sadness that she would face at never seeing her friends and favourite keyworker again.

How would DS react if you said you were pulling him? That should be the key, not your DH anger.

The problem is that the biter is the son of the woman who runs the Nursery

DS is too young I think to be really affected if we moved him, I think he would just adapt.

My DH is adamant now that we're moving him. I had talked him down after the incident the other day but now that it's happened again he's saying he's not going to keep sending DS there.

I think the set-up of having all the DC together and the biter being the nursery manager's son do make it more difficult to deal with. Is his mum typically out on the floor with the children rather than on site but doing admin?

It's hard when you don't agree on childcare, how do you feel after the 2nd incident?

Two incidents so close together by the same child is a bit of an issue.

That said, I truly hope that you don't move your child - and then one day your DH collects your child and is told THEY have bitten another child! What will he do then?

Yes I know he'll say it won't happen. I wouldn't be so sure about that though, as many people have said on here, kids bite. Some more than others - and some for longer than others. But I don't think many do it into adulthood, certain footballers notwithstanding. They really do grow out of it and there's no reason for all the angst surrounding it.

My dh reacts like this as well when something happens to ds. It is really tough. Yes it happens but I wouldnt be so quick to pass ig it off as a one off. It isnt a one off when he had been bitten twice in one day?!

It must have really upset your ds, biting really hurts. How is supervision at nursery? I must admit id query supervision if there were two serious bite marks in one day.

I feel upset by what happened because I don't like to think I'm sending my DS somewhere where's he's being physically hurt.

My DH is doing nursery drop-off tomorrow and he's going to speak to them about it.

The child's mum is definitely in the nursery area.

I genuinely feel bad for her, I would feel mortified if my child was biting other children and my husband also sees it from her side. He knows that she can't really do anything to stop it, he knows nobody at the nursery is at fault or in any way negligent but at the same time he wants to feel like his son is safe from harm when he's in nursery.

Sorry, missed the second page after my first response. No, that would be unacceptable to me. And even more so if the biter was the son of the manager. It appears to be a supervision issue. I wouls consider moving him as well

hmm I wonder if his mum being out there means the other staff are almost discounting him a bit iyswim. Not that makes it ok, and they need to make sure he is fully supervised, employee child or not.

I really hope the nursery can offer your DH some assurance of what they are doing to keep your DS safe.

Awww. His poor little arm. I know children will be children, and. Its certainly not the mums fault or the child's. (They don't bite and hit because they hate someone.), but 2 days on the bounce getting bitten. Would grate on me tbh. And I'm the most laid back person ever., but. What can you do.

I also feel sorry for his mum as well. She must be bloody mortified, especially, as. She works there.

It's getting worse the more I look at it. I'm really happy with the nursery otherwise but it's really difficult. When it happened twice on the same day I was willing to brush it off but now that it's happened again the following time he's in nursery it's just becoming too frequent for my liking. Three bites, all of which have left marks and bruises, in two days is not good.

If he wants to feel that then he needs to remove your son from a nursery setting. Biting in toddlers happens a lot, it's not nice but you simply cannot get to them quick enough sometimes. Both my twins were biters and sometimes I wasn't quick enough to stop them biting me when I was holding them!

The nursery staff will have had countless conversations like the one your husband will have, but ultimately your son may get bitten, or he may fall over when the biter is getting 1:1 attention.

If he feels the son of the manager is getting preferential treatment (which tbh I think is pretty ridiculous, the child is two, does he think he's not being told not to bite or something?!) then go ahead and move him.

But how many bites is too many felicia? Where would you draw the line? Would you send your child to nursery knowing there was another child there who was biting him every day?

One bite is too many. But unless he is not around other toddlers at all then you can't necessarily stop it from happening.

I appreciate the bites are sore and look terrible but you're putting an adults understanding against them - a two year old doesn't have the capacity to be maliciously targeting a particular child and causing the most pain. The child might be targeting yours but it's not because he doesn't like your child. It will be because your son has a particularly pleasing yell or something (facaetious but probably true!).

I've been the parent of two biters and my children have also been bitten. Yes, I recognise it's upsetting when your child has been hurt, that's not in dispute, but I don't think it's worth the upset. He may not be bitten again.

If you're unhappy and you have options, then move him. It's no big deal at his age. Just be aware that he may well be bitten in any other childcare setting unless there's no other toddlers.

Oh your poor boy, the one on his upper arm looks awful.

As I said upthread, my DS had a serious biting problem, but I don't recall him ever causing that amount of bruising a day later (I checked up on the bitten DC as part of my apologies!), it was usually just a semi circle of teeth marks, which often went before bedtime.

The biter may have fixated on your son for some unknown reason, but regardless they need to be kept separate. Considering the nursery setting this should be well within their abilities.
When my DS fixated on a friend he literally tried to bite him every time he saw him. We separated them at preschool, and stopped them playing together at home for a month, until the association was broken.

Given that these are serious deep bites I think it's time for a proper meeting - but not necessarily withdrawing your son, as it may be over and done with by next week, never to be bitten again.
That recent bite can't have been a glancing blink-and-you'd-miss-it bite, it looks to me like it was pretty prolonged to have caused that degree of bruising, so I would assume the staff had lost track of the biter and weren't supervising him closely enough. When my DS was doing this I had to literally follow him constantly, a true helicopter parent. It's the only way, and yes it'll be a pain in the arse for the staff, but the alternative isn't acceptable.

I had good success with the 'Doodle Bites' book from the Tilly & Friends series - perhaps suggest it for Storytime. We read it every night for a long time to keep reinforcing the message, but then my DS did have other issues that compounded the problem.

What did the nursery say about the biting, OP?

DS was bitten a couple of times when he was 2, around the time his sibling was born. He then took up biting following the disruption of the birth. He did it several times at nursery, but DS2 was his main victim. I remember a flare up a few months later on holiday when again, his routine was disrupted.

I hope that talks with nursery are productive. Moving a child out is likely to throw up its own problems and indeed could potentially trigger a change of behaviour in your child as they adjust, so is not a quick fix.