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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner on office christmas booze up

87 replies

Sunflower999 · 08/12/2016 21:05

Would welcome your thoughts on this one: partner is currently out on work christmas party. We have a two year old and a 19 week old baby. I don't object to him going out for the evening however rather than coming home or staying at my parent's house he has booked himself into the Hilton for the night. He didn't want to stay with my parents (which would have been a short taxi ride to get back) in case I also stayed there with toddler and baby and he might have been disturbed in the night/asked to do something. He claims we discussed this which we definitely didn't. He mentioned it about a month or so ago and then we were probably distracted by toddler throwing something or something similar but I definitely didn't agree to it. He could have got a train and bus home or stayed at my parents, or I suppose booked a cheap room at the Travel Lodge but instead chose to stay at the Hilton so he can have a good nights sleep, nice breakfast and a jacuzzi in the morning before going into work (probably late). AIBU to object to this?

OP posts:
ZippyNeedsFeeding · 09/12/2016 11:57

I do also think it's easy to forget how much having a young baby changes everything. Now I wouldn't care if my husband wanted to go off overnight and leave me with the kids, but back when I was breastfeeding and feeling low, it would have been a very big deal. Being tied to the house (or feeling that way) and also possibly feeling isolated and inadequate changes everything.

Anyway, it's done now and at least the OP can get on with planning her own time out.

oldlaundbooth · 09/12/2016 12:07

Well, put it this way, if he's had a good sleep at the Hilton and a lovely hotel breakfast he'll be raring to go for the bedtime /supper routine that night whilst you have a rest.

I'd love a piss up with colleagues, a night at the Hilton and lovely breakfast too OP, but please don't begrudge him one.

oldlaundbooth · 09/12/2016 12:09

FWIW re the in-laws is totally unreasonable, even if they are as nice as Ma and Pa Larkin.

OohhThatsMe · 09/12/2016 12:13

Out of all the guys I know, all the decent ones would come back home and all those with form would book a hotel room in the hope something would happen after hours.

LagunaBubbles · 09/12/2016 12:23

Inlaws are lovely! He gets on really well with him and they're very easy going (he would agree with that)

Why are you referring to your parents as in-laws, they are his in-laws, not yours. Confused

Islacornx · 09/12/2016 12:24

Oohhthatsme i agree. I would expect my DH to come back home to me, not book himself into an expensive hotel for the night, I would be questioning his motives for that 100%. Although we're in the minority for this.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2016 12:32

"I would be questioning his motives for that 100%"

It must be very stressful in your world.........

HoopsandEverything · 09/12/2016 12:34

"I would be questioning his motives for that 100%"

You've married the wrong person.

DierdrePewtey · 09/12/2016 12:40

Blimey some serious trust issues here

OohhThatsMe · 09/12/2016 12:45

So people think it's common/normal for men to book a hotel after a work's night out, when he could just as easily come home, AND when the family can't afford a hotel bill?

DierdrePewtey · 09/12/2016 12:47

Yes, OohThatsme, perfectly normal. Means he doesn't have to trek home late on the bus/train/taxi, wake up family when drunk, get up with a hangover and commute in early, potentially over the limit of driving.

HoopsandEverything · 09/12/2016 12:48

OohhThatsMe

I think that booking a hotel room does not mean you need to 100% question is motives.

Sure, if family finances are an issue (which wasn't raised until much later in the thread - certainly wasn't the reason given in the OP) then he should have booked a cheaper hotel or a hostel. But only for financial reasons.

I don't think a man booking a hotel room means he is having an affair. My dude stays in hotel rooms a lot (work, nights out, client entertainment, weekends away alone).

Costacoffeeplease · 09/12/2016 12:59

Yabu, I don't see the problem at all

mouldycheesefan · 09/12/2016 13:03

Yabu sorry. But when you are sleep deprived and you oh is getting a night out and a good nights sleep then it's hard not to be jealous.
Your turn will come!

UsernamesAreAPainInTheBalls · 09/12/2016 13:07

I think I'd rather sleep under the nearest hedge than rock up to my inlaws pissed and more than likely clutching a garlic saucy kebab as if it was a precious newborn 😳TBH the wanting him to go back to your parents makes it seem like your trying to make sure he doesn't get too pissed/gets home at a reasonable hour/doesn't bring and colleagues back for more drinks etc it's a way of keeping tabs maybe
There's nothing wrong with him staying in a hotel for one night especially if he's in work the next day, would you rather he came home and had a crap sleep because of the baby and had to suffer in work next day hungover and knackered
I think I'd prefer my oh to stay in a bloody hotel most nights he goes out rather than coming in pissed waking me up to see if I want to share his chips (no ✋🏼) and telling me all about his night 🙈
Next week you can have an Xmas night out with your friends maybe or he can do the night shift with the baby so it's fair.
Going off topic here but I never understand the moaning on MN about partners going out, unless it's a few nights every single week I don't see the issue. It's healthy for couples to have time apart sometimes and be a person in their own right. Just because you have a wife and kids doesn't mean you can never have fun again for the next 20 years, that goes for being a mum too- nothing wrong with having a night off.
And a lot of the time when it's suggested to the op that they have a night out so it's fair they reveal that they don't like going out/drinking etc if that's the case they should marry an antisocial teetotaller and spend every weekend sitting in together looking at each other. Boils my piss that's like a vegetarian moaning about their partner eating meat just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean they shouldn't either
Sorry that turned into a mega rant 😳Just got a large electricity bill through the door so tempers are flaring 😂

maddiemookins16mum · 09/12/2016 13:15

I'm staying over at a really naice hotel next Friday night (but sharing with a pal so only £70 each) after the Christmas Lash. I can't bleedin wait. I've even persuaded DP to come and pick me up on Saturday morning (hours drive) as I sneakily suspect I'll be too hungover to face the train 😳.
I get your point but if it's a one off YAB a little U.

UsernamesAreAPainInTheBalls · 09/12/2016 13:16

Sorry just saw the recent responses about questioning the motives for staying in the hotel ✋🏼What the fuck
If that's the way people think they have more serious problems than a work night out
News flash if a man wants to cheat he will find a way to do it any day of the week anywhere anytime - he doesn't need to wait for the Xmas party once a year to stay in a hotel under the ruse of getting a good sleep 🙄
Few years ago I worked in an office that was approx 45mins to an hours commute from home
Xmas party was in a hotel 5 mins from said office. Loads of us booked into the hotel, brought our party outfits make up etc into work on the thurs morn, checked into hotel after work and got ready
Went to Xmas party 5 mins away, came back to hotel that night (instead of 40 min taxi home) walked to work next morning stopping at shop for coffee and hangover essentials (sausage rolls) then went home as normal that day
My oh minded the kids and brought them to school because it's one night a year, I didn't have the urge to have sex with a colleague because we were in a hotel, everything was grand and my oh went away the following weekend on a stags so we were "even" 😬
The end

SusanneLinder · 09/12/2016 13:19

My DH stayed over in a hotel after his works do. Thank God I said.Grin. Nothing worse than him coming home worse for wear at daft o'clock and that drunk" trying to be quiet" nonsense.
He hardly goes out so I don't mind at all. I think YABU.

UsernamesAreAPainInTheBalls · 09/12/2016 13:21

Maddiemookins16mum

Did you know he also has to stop at the McDonald's drive through and get you 2 meals and a McFlurry or it's actually grounds for divorce 🤔 Little known fact right there

Carol2013 · 09/12/2016 13:21

I think a few people have been a bit harsh. I guess we don't know the background to this. Not sure if you husband helps out at home and lets you have a break from the kids etc. Maybe there is an underlying issue here. Does he get up in the night with them usually?

I don't actually blame you for being a little resentful. You have the kids all day while he's at work yet HE is the one who needs a good night's sleep. Not sure if he's good at getting up usually with them.

If I had a 19 week old baby and my partner announces he's booked a night away for HIMSELF, not sure I would be best pleased. Its actually quite selfish.

It would have been more considerate of him to book the hotel but tell you that you can do the same thing, or arrange for you both to get a night away from the kids.

How do you think he would react if you did that?

Carol2013 · 09/12/2016 13:24

and before I'm shot down, I would have NO issue with my partner doing this as I have had nights away myself. Its very even in that respect so I never feel he is being selfish.

I think the answer here is for you to get a night away yourself!!

Itsnotmesothere · 09/12/2016 15:14

If he treats you as the default parent most of the time then YANBU. I think the lack of consultation about the night in the hotel means he does. Imagine it the other way round. You go on a night out and forget to mention you will be staying in a hotel, would he be fine with it? IMO it's quite selfish however if he does not usually treat you as a default parent and is otherwise an involved father and involved in all household chores, let it go and repay him in kind sooner rather than later.

DeepanKrispanEven · 09/12/2016 15:21

YANBU. What would particularly piss me off is his reasoning that he doesn't want to stay at your in-laws in case you're there and in case you need help with the children. So his thinking is that, if you do need help, you will just have to suck it up because he'll be miles away sleeping comfortably in a hotel bed. Nice. When my dc were little, I had to cope with them after office parties, so I really don't see why fathers shouldn't.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/12/2016 15:43

Our company arranges discounted rooms if people want to stay over, so it may not be that pricey. I considered it when I went to DHs company xmas party last year while HE stayed home with the DC. That's the way to do it Wink

DiegeticMuch · 09/12/2016 15:56

Nothing to worry about - yabu.

But.....Make sure you get a night off and a lie-in yourself at some point, even if you just go to your parents' house and have a few drinks with them. Don't be a drudge.

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