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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not letting Brother stay

55 replies

daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:11

Hi guys
Need some perspective on this,
My DH are having some marriage issues we're in counselling and everything is in a muddle we're trying to sort stuff out but communication isn't great on either of our parts and there's a lot of anxiety.
My brother has just found out his wife has had a fling - he's ok, they're ok but I've invited him out tomorrow night with a friend to give him a nice eve out, he lives miles out and I've offered him our spare room to stay in tonight.
I've spoken to my DH and he's said he's not comfortable with my brother staying as he's having anxiety as he knows my brother knows stuff about our relationship. My brother is entirely neutral and I feel that I should be able to offer him a room to sleep in tomorrow. Ps we've been together 15 years and they've always got on fine.
AIBU? Help......

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 08/12/2016 15:13

What is it that he's anxious about? Did you run it past him before asking your brother?

Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:15

He's anxious that my brother knows things about our relationship, I did ask him on the phone and he agreed but then changed his mind after and I'd already told my brother it was ok!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 08/12/2016 15:16

Honestly, I think it's a bit much to have to ask permission for your brother to stay for one night when he's in a tough situation. Is your H usually controlling? Is he often worried about what others know or will think about him?

DearMrDilkington · 08/12/2016 15:16

What is he worried about your brother knowing?Confused

Costacoffeeplease · 08/12/2016 15:17

Then he's being an arse to change his mind

I don't know what he knows could be so bad

Costacoffeeplease · 08/12/2016 15:17

THAT could be so bad

kittybiscuits · 08/12/2016 15:18

Your update is worse - you did ask him and he said yes but now he's changed his mind? You'd better tell us the back story OP.

Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:22

I asked him on the phone this morning 10.30 he text me 15 min later and had changed his mind.
Yes there are mild control issues unfortunately, I guess he's worried I've divulged a lot of our personal problems but regardless of whether I have or haven't he's my brother and it's your family you turn to when you're struggling....
I have this sick feeling as I don't quite know how to approach it this evening!

OP posts:
Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:23

And yes kitty he's very concerned about people's opinion on him.....

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 08/12/2016 15:25

What have you told your brother?

kittybiscuits · 08/12/2016 15:27

Hmm. I would say it's unfortunate that he changed his mind after you had made arrangements. He will have to suck it up. I bet you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and trying not to upset him because he's 'anxious'. I would practice learning to tolerate his disapproval. A relationship is not all about one person. You have a difficult life with him, don't you, and you're worried about telling people?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 08/12/2016 15:28

Has your husband done something sufficiently bad that makes him ashamed/embarrassed/scared to be in your brother's company?

Graphista · 08/12/2016 15:29

I think husband being unreasonable and too controlling. I'd be thinking he's not anxious he feels guilty and worried your brother gonna call him on his shit? Accurate assessment? (Of husband, not saying brother would do this cos to be honest he's thinking about his own situation right now)

Unless the reason for your current marital difficulties is your husbands infidelity?

ThisThingCalledLife · 08/12/2016 15:31

Fuck dh and put your family first.

You're husband is trying to control/isolate you so he can preserve his 'good guy' image Hmm
So if/when it's over he can play the injured party Hmm

Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:34

I'm worried he'll see this to be honest but you get to a point where you start to lose perspective......

OP posts:
Graphista · 08/12/2016 15:37

Worried your husband will see the thread? Why would he and why worried?

Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:39

He's just been very difficult over the last couple of years he hasn't cheated on me actually the reverse if anything, he's been diagnosed with depression but there's been a lot of mistrust issues where there's absolutely no reason to mistrust me, he's been drinking a lot imo 5-6 cans every night and he's become very insecure.
My brother is a very reasonable and kind person but he's very intelligent and I think this makes my DH wary.
We're at a volatile part of our counselling where everything is very raw and hanging in the balance.
I'm going to speak to him calmly tonight....

OP posts:
Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:40

I've absolutely no idea why he might see the thread it's probably completely irrational but it's got a bit like that for me....Confused

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 08/12/2016 15:42

It sounds like you need to get some space away from your husband too. Could you and your brother go halves on a hotel instead to give you a break too?

CharlotteCollins · 08/12/2016 15:44

What kittybiscuits said.

He changed his mind. Too late, so that's tough. Empathise with his discomfort, by all means, but no call to change plans. He said yes, he'll have to accept it.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2016 15:45

I'd get a hotel with your brother.

FeralBeryl · 08/12/2016 15:45

Oh you sound so stressed about this. Sad
I'd keep it as breezy as possible in a kind of 'oh well I've already offered now, if you want to rescind the offer, you'll have to ring him and explain'
See this as the first step in regaining some of your control.
Also, he has no reason to see this, or if you are concerned, have a name change ready. Flowers

Baylisiana · 08/12/2016 15:50

You are absolutely allowed to share personal information with your brother. Your DP's reason for not wanting him to stay is not a good one, I would ignore his protests, but note the attempt at controlling you further.

Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:51

Thanks everyone that's really helpful I'm glad you all agree it makes my decision making easier :)

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 08/12/2016 15:51

Your husband is being unreasonable.

It's your brother. As long as he's not going to want to talk about what's going on with you and DH (and it sounds like it's not even in the realm), he should be welcome to stay for a night, especially under the circumstances.

Tell your husband to get a grip. Depression doesn't mean you have to cut ties with your family and not be there for them, too, especially in the holiday season. He's not the only one with problems.

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