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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not letting Brother stay

55 replies

daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 15:11

Hi guys
Need some perspective on this,
My DH are having some marriage issues we're in counselling and everything is in a muddle we're trying to sort stuff out but communication isn't great on either of our parts and there's a lot of anxiety.
My brother has just found out his wife has had a fling - he's ok, they're ok but I've invited him out tomorrow night with a friend to give him a nice eve out, he lives miles out and I've offered him our spare room to stay in tonight.
I've spoken to my DH and he's said he's not comfortable with my brother staying as he's having anxiety as he knows my brother knows stuff about our relationship. My brother is entirely neutral and I feel that I should be able to offer him a room to sleep in tomorrow. Ps we've been together 15 years and they've always got on fine.
AIBU? Help......

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2016 15:52

"I've spoken to my DH and he's said he's not comfortable with my brother staying as he's having anxiety as he knows my brother knows stuff about our relationship."
I would stress to your husband that your brother is a bit more preoccupied with his own marriage than yours, and ask him to be kind to his BIL. Also, that turning round and changing his mind the way he has done, telling your brother he can't come now is going to set your brother focussing on your marriage, whereas him coming he'll be focussed on his own marriage.

Changing his mind is not great either - you asked, he said yes, you told your brother OK and then your husband changes his mind. Nope, not good.

EweAreHere · 08/12/2016 15:53

Oh ... and if your marriage does fall apart with everything that's been going on, your brother is family and will be there for you. Your DH will be history.

kittybiscuits · 08/12/2016 15:54

It's not a good situation OP. He has a drink problem and jealousy/paranoia. He doesn't seem to be doing anything to help himself and he has you so much on edge that you don't feel comfortable posting on an anonymous Internet forum. No one should make you feel so worried.Please do keep talking. You might want to ask for your thread to be moved to relationships.

kittybiscuits · 08/12/2016 15:58

What has your husband done to help himself with his depression?

Original poster
daisymai08 · 08/12/2016 16:08

He's been given some anti depressants and told to stop drinking and get some some exercise did manage to stop drinking in the week for a few weeks but has drunk again all week this week although a few less than normal.....just so sad now and it's easy to say just leave but after all these years and for a lot of them happy ones you just wonder if you can get that back? I just don't know....

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 08/12/2016 16:10

It's okay to think those things and it's okay to say them Smile

Ahickiefromkinickie · 08/12/2016 16:13

This seems like another form of control.

Next time you may be less likely to speak to your DB or anyone else about problems in case your DH becomes 'anxious'.

I would go ahead with the visit as arranged, or you would be setting a precedent.

Lynnm63 · 08/12/2016 16:15

I don't think you should leave but I do think you need to be there for your brother. If your dh cannot be around your brother then I think the hotel idea is an excellent compromise. What you shouldn't do is tell your brother he can't come. Your brother is almost certainly looking forward to it and if you're his big sister he will probably be feeling loved and cared for. Big sisters do stand up for little brothers, even if you were horrid to him as a child if someone else picked on him you were suddenly his protector at least I was with mine.

shovetheholly · 08/12/2016 16:17

I agree, this sounds worryingly controlling. Your DH doesn't want to see your brother because he feels ashamed, which suggests he's still not really come to terms with the bad stuff he did, and still trying to avoid the consequences of his behaviour. Going through the anxiety about the need to improve for the future is important for change to happen, accepting responsibility is necessary for that.

DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 16:17

Agree that a hotel with your brother is a good idea. Have you considered a trial separation?

kittybiscuits · 08/12/2016 16:25

I wouldn't book a hotel.

PensionOutOfReach · 08/12/2016 16:28

Do you think your DH might be alcoholic? The dependency of alcohol every night, the amount of alcohol he usually drinks, getting drunk ....

MothersGrimm · 08/12/2016 16:29

I used to live with someone controlling. I began to feel guilty for my own thoughts, writing them down seemed like a betrayal.

It's healthy to think and talk through complications and opinions. A healthy mind is one that is allowed to be open and honest. It is very stressful thinking that you have to be positive, always. You don't.

Atenco · 08/12/2016 16:34

It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic actually OP.

Bluetrews25 · 08/12/2016 16:58

Irrespective of if he stays the night, brother still knows what's been going on!
What difference will it make if he stays over?
Not quite following the logic, here.
How many times on MN do we see DPs diagnosed with 'depression' and 'anxiety' so they have to be tiptoed around and humoured like a royal prince.
Depression and anxiety does not make you bossy or controlling. Quite the reverse IMHO.

littlesallyracket · 08/12/2016 17:07

He's anxious that my brother knows things about our relationship

So what? Your brother staying at your house for one night won't change that either way. Is he literally never going to let you see your brother again because he 'knows things' or does he somehow think this knowledge will only become an issue if he stays the night rather than just coming round for dinner?

Your husband is being very unreasonable and controlling IMO.

It is possible to have depression and anxiety and, quite separately from that, also be a dickhead. I'm not saying this is the case with your husband but it's certainly something to bear in mind.

Graphista · 08/12/2016 19:13

Ah - he's worried he can't drink how he normally does probably.

Does your brother know about the drinking? Depression etc?

Depression and anxiety are part of my life too, still wouldn't behave like this. If anything most tend to go into themselves and find it hard to take an interest in others even close family's lives.

FrancisCrawford · 08/12/2016 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
daisymai08 · 09/12/2016 08:19

Update:
So he came in and said he definitely wasn't changing his mind and my DB was not staying - I stayed very calm and pointed out ultimately he didn't have the last say as we share the house and asked what he was so anxious about. He couldn't answer I told him he was behaving in a controlling manor as normal and I wasn't excepting it - he told me in the end 'I'll let you decide I knew you were going to be like this' ( he didn't). I went to work last night and when I came back he was having a mild panic attack we hugged it out and this morning he left without saying goodbye. I rang him and told him that I was tired of his unpredictable behaviour and that my brother was arriving at 6.30 so if he wanted to take DS out we'd get a cab.
He's accepted that and is calling the Dr today about his state of mind.
The story so far and I'm not at work till end of school so it's done. You've all helped so much thank you :)

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 09/12/2016 08:31

Well done you Flowers

SixthSenseless · 09/12/2016 08:31

Well handled OP.
I suspect that holding calmly and firmly to a decision actually causes less anxiety than reactive responses. I.e better that you invited your brother and then calmly struck to that position, rather than allowing U turns based on irrational anxiety.

Original poster
daisymai08 · 09/12/2016 08:36

Yes definitely sixth and massive thanks to you Kitty too!

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2016 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits · 09/12/2016 08:37
Smile
Bluetrews25 · 09/12/2016 14:39

Well done, Daisy.

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