Was this ungrateful?

[MarklahMarklah]

I don't work at the moment. If I am buying things for me or for my friends, I dip into my savings. (This is just to set the context for the fact that I don't have money to squander).

This morning I was out at our local shopping centre. I often see a homeless guy there, so stopped to check if he needed a coffee or a sandwich. He said he was fine, someone had just bought him some stuff. We chatted for a bit and I carried on around the shops where there is a Big Issue seller. She has a child a little younger than mine so I often stop for a chat, and to buy a magazine from her. She's a Romanian lady who always dresses very very modestly (feet and ankles covered, long skirts, head covered, neck covered - just her hands and face are visible), and I possibly stupidly inferred from this that she is Muslim. Today she was saying that she was hungry and very cold. I said I'd see what I could do to help as I didn't have much money.

I had to do some food shopping (which is paid for by DH), and having done that I stopped to buy a hot snack for the Big Issue seller. I spent ages looking at everything I could afford and in the end opted for a cup of hot tomato soup as I thought it was unlikely to include anything not halal, and I wasn't sure whether she would eat cheese or eggs (she has told me before she has dietary problems).

I went to give her the cup of soup and she said, "Oh, I don't like tomato. I like chicken, you could have got me a hot chicken sandwich."

Now, forgive me if I'm being judgy, but if someone had gone out of their way to get me something hot to eat when I was cold, I wouldn't have complained. She suggested that she couldn't eat soup in the street (she has a chair in a shop doorway) and again said she'd have preferred chicken. I said that I was sorry but I had now spent all my money as I'd also bought a magazine from her.

AIBU to think she was ungrateful?

You sound so lovely and so very, very kind. I am a bit worried that you are being so charitable out of your savings. You sound like the kind of person who sacrifices their all for others - you not only can but must look after yourself as well.

Non-Brits are often plainer speakers without intending to cause offence. You expected her to spare your feelings and take something she would just have disposed of, since she disliked it enough to not even take it from you. She probably thought that since you chose it, it is something you like, and it would be better you drink it than she wastes it.

I also suspect she was quite looking forward to what you were bringing and then, tomato soup. I use tomatoes a lot in cooking but tomato soup and juice are mysteries to me. Heinz make tomato soup look so appealing on their ad but I just can't get excited by it. But I am probably more knowledgeable about British manners, which in my opinion sometimes involve a large dollop of untruthfullness, than she is.

Previous posters, please get a bloody grip.

“even people on the street deserve to have some agency over their lives”. Yes they do. In the exact same way that when someone gives me food or makes me a meal I thank them and take it or eat it, whether or not it’s to my taste. Agency does not = ‘a licence to be snub people’.

“you’d shown yourself to be a thoughtful person before so she might have hoped you’d be considerate about the food”. And the OP might have thought that she knew the woman (with whom she often stops to chat) well enough to think she wasn’t wouldn’t have had her hospitality thrown back in her face?

“how would you feel if someone bought you some food that you didn’t like and expected you to eat it because you were poor?” Wow, drama llama alert. The OP did not take the woman the soup and stand over her, demanding she consume it by shouting “down it down it down it you pleb”. The woman could have said “thank you” and then put it in the bin or given it away after OP had left.

“she isn’t a stray cat you can throw a scrap of food for”. WTF? As you seem to have missed what happened, let me summarise: the OP bought the woman some food and then gave it to her. She didn’t throw a half-eaten sandwich her toddler had been sucking on for an hour at the woman while saying “here, you’re poor, guess you’ll love this”.

“Just because you’re homeless, doesn’t mean you don’t have preferences”. And (if you’ll excuse me for being brassy here), just because I’m rich doesn’t mean I don’t accept kind gestures – big, small, lavish or not – with gratitude and good grace.

To the multiple posters berating the OP for not offering a choice, has it not occurred to you that the OP might not have wanted to for fear that the lady might have said “I’d love a coffee and a chicken sandwich”, and the OP might not have had enough money to buy both? What the hell would she do then, say to the Big Issue seller, “I’m sorry I can’t afford both” facepalm

“She had the language skills to tell OP she does not like tomato, and wants a chicken sandwich instead”. For me, this kind of sums the whole thread up. She was rude and ungrateful.

OP you sound like a lovely person.

I never give to people begging, I used to work in a pub and they would come in and change up their money. They made more money in a couple of hours than I did all week think £80 for two hours of begging!!!!!

Don't get me started on the Big Issues sellers that used to change into grotty clothing out of their nice, clean expensive attire before starting to beg.

It can be a huge racket and so my trust has gone.

I'm sitting on the fence here as I can see it from both sides. You should have asked without assuming, homeless people aren't monsters. She should have been a little more grateful and diplomatic in her response... But she is struggling after all. So let's not kick her while she's down.

Why should someone eat something they didn't ask for and really dislike? I know you meant well, but you're making all sorts of assumptions. I hate tomatoes and would literally gag if someone made me drink tomato soup. It's not her fault you wasted your money and your attitude to her is, although well-meaning, a bit patronising. You could have just asked her if she wanted anything.

When you do something nice, you shouldn't do it to prove what a magnanimous and charitable individual you are, and you aren't immediately entitled to immense gratitude for something that wasn't ever asked of you. Sure, gratitude is nice, but it should be an added bonus, not the object of the exercise.

Bear in mind also that English isn't her first language and her response probably came out much more bluntly than it was intended.

Can people please stop calling her a beggar? She's not begging; she's doing a job. She's selling magazines, which are not given to her for nothing - they are stock which she has to purchase in order to sell on.

Finally, I know people like to buy food etc for people on the street, and yes, it's a kind thing to do, but if someone is homeless they can't pay for a place in a hostel or buy some soap to wash with or a warm coat for the charity shop in sandwiches. I know the perception is 'They'll just spend money on drink/drugs' and yes, sometimes they will, but personally I give someone a couple of quid they can make their own choice on what they do with it.

Just because she's homeless doesn't mean she shouldn't have some kind of autonomy over what she eats.

If I was starving and you gave me, for example, cauliflower cheese, I couldn't eat it. If I had to I'd probably be sick.

And also, just becase someone is down on their luck, it doesn't mean you have to patronise them.

Smacks of the Ladies Bountiful from the Big Houses.

Just offer and see what they would like. That would be kinder.

"I would literally gag if someone made me drink tomato soup".

There we go again.

No one made her. It was offered and she declined.

Yanbu, she was very, very ungrateful and bloody cheeky. Why did she tell you she was so hungry and cold if she could buy something herself? If she couldn't then she should be grateful that someone kind like you would buy her food. Please don't waste your time on this ungrateful thing again, what an audacity. If she didn't want it she could have just taken it and disposed of it rather than being so rude.

Everything midnightdexy just said x10000

Why should someone eat something they didn't ask for and really dislike?

Err so why didn't the lady stop the op and say not to buy anything when the op said she would she what she could do off course she wanted something and for her to ask for it she should Accept what she was given. If she didn't like it, then a thank you would be enough.

If I was starving and you gave me, for example, cauliflower cheese, I couldn't eat it. If I had to I'd probably be sick.

If you were starving in the real sense of the word (and not a bit peckish because you haven't had food for the last 45 minutes), yes you could eat it. Starvation doesn't stop food allergy, but it does annihilate fussiness. I sincerely hope you never know starvation.

OP, you are very very kind to go out of your way to help others. Most people must be grateful to you.

To the multiple posters berating the OP for not offering a choice, has it not occurred to you that the OP might not have wanted to for fear that the lady might have said “I’d love a coffee and a chicken sandwich”, and the OP might not have had enough money to buy both? What the hell would she do then, say to the Big Issue seller, “I’m sorry I can’t afford both”

^This
I was going to post similar but you put it better. Presumably the OP did the best she could with what little she had. Most people in her position wouldn't have bothered at all.

She was ungrateful.

It is a real shame we live in a world where anyone has to sit in a doorway selling a paper.

Maybe she hoped you would buy her what she wanted or ask her next time. Sadly, this may mean you give her a wide berth!

Please do not let her lack of gratitude stop you doing nice things for people. You now know what she would prefer so if you want to buy her something in the future you know what to get or you could ask.

Ultimately you are in a much better position than she is, or may ever be, so don't allow this to spoil your kind heart.

I think the sentiment was lovely OP.

However, homelessness robs people of so much dignity. These are people who already have so little. I can only imagine how it must be for them to feel like they are then being robbed of their own food preferences just because of their circumstances - which none of us would ever choose for ourselves. Regardless of how thoughtful the gesture was, could you not have first asked her what her soup preference was? Just because she is homeless doesn't mean she won't have likes or dislikes. She's a person, not a hopeful mutt that'll be glad of any old scraps thrown its way.

Perhaps give the money over next time, so that she might buy her own food and thus make a selection to her liking?

I had this. Big issue seller who i had given my DC's old clothes and baby milk for her child on a few occasions. Got her a particular brand of baby milk because the other one wasn't available and she said. 'No! That's the wrong one.' I said they were out and she shouted 'why didn't you give me the money I could have got it somewhere else?' I just ignore her now.

"Even people on the street deserve to have some agency over their lives. It must be soul destroying to live on charitable caprice.

Why didn't you ask her first?"

^This with bells on.

You meant well but food is a personal choice and the big issue woman wash to begging, she didn't ask for anything. The fact that she is spending her day on the street earning a pittance means that she probably has a lot of erosional issues. judging her for a lack of manners is really ungenerous.
I agree that with your poor finical situation you don't have to be charitable in this way.

Yes she was ungrateful but I always used to ask the homeless man for whom I bought breakfast every morning on my way to work what he fancied before buying it. Being homeless doesn't mean they shouldn't make choices.

"She's a person, not a hopeful mutt that'll be glad of any old scraps thrown its way."

Oh my god. The hyperbole.

Who just likened the lady to a hopeful "mutt"? You did, not the OP.

"any old scraps" - really? You might not like tomato soup, but come on. That's a bit rich.

Op you sound lovely and she was bloody ungrateful. I've been homeless before and I was veggie at the time. I had many sandwiches with meat content given to me and I was grateful for everyone of them. Would I have preferred someone ask what my preference was, yes of course but they didn't but I accepted them all. It stopped me from starving.

Years ago, I ended up in that same situation of having no food. And although it's hard not to be short even with kind people, when life is that tough, it doesn't make it ok to be rude.

When people gave me food, I was grateful. Even if I hadn't been, I'd jolly well have thanked them as if I was. But honestly, if you're genuinely hungry, you're not going to turn your nose up at food just because it's something you don't like the flavour of.

All those saying OP should have given cash - Big Issue sellers don't accept cash, coz they're not beggars. They can't force you to take your change tho!

I have experienced genuine hunger. At boarding school in a third world country. The rations were modest to start off with and on certain tables the table head and his cronies took the lion's share. I still chose to eat nothing 4 meals a week. I just could not let those meals pass my lips and I will not eat one of the foods to this day. (No-one really knew what the other meal was.) And I have always had a good appetite, able to keep up with my older brothers. Maybe if I was starving - famine starving, it would have been different. But I have no doubt this woman can get basic meals for herself.

She was probably hoping for a little more and was trying to guide you to the sort of thing she would like. How could she know you are skint and had already streched yourself? She probably hoped you would keep the soup for yourself and get her something else. If she didn't ask then she would have no chance of getting something more suitable. She could have expressed herself better, but English isn't her first language and she may not be well versed in British ways.