Was this ungrateful?

[MarklahMarklah]

I don't work at the moment. If I am buying things for me or for my friends, I dip into my savings. (This is just to set the context for the fact that I don't have money to squander).

This morning I was out at our local shopping centre. I often see a homeless guy there, so stopped to check if he needed a coffee or a sandwich. He said he was fine, someone had just bought him some stuff. We chatted for a bit and I carried on around the shops where there is a Big Issue seller. She has a child a little younger than mine so I often stop for a chat, and to buy a magazine from her. She's a Romanian lady who always dresses very very modestly (feet and ankles covered, long skirts, head covered, neck covered - just her hands and face are visible), and I possibly stupidly inferred from this that she is Muslim. Today she was saying that she was hungry and very cold. I said I'd see what I could do to help as I didn't have much money.

I had to do some food shopping (which is paid for by DH), and having done that I stopped to buy a hot snack for the Big Issue seller. I spent ages looking at everything I could afford and in the end opted for a cup of hot tomato soup as I thought it was unlikely to include anything not halal, and I wasn't sure whether she would eat cheese or eggs (she has told me before she has dietary problems).

I went to give her the cup of soup and she said, "Oh, I don't like tomato. I like chicken, you could have got me a hot chicken sandwich."

Now, forgive me if I'm being judgy, but if someone had gone out of their way to get me something hot to eat when I was cold, I wouldn't have complained. She suggested that she couldn't eat soup in the street (she has a chair in a shop doorway) and again said she'd have preferred chicken. I said that I was sorry but I had now spent all my money as I'd also bought a magazine from her.

AIBU to think she was ungrateful?

[DailyFail1]

I usually reach into my bag and offer my lunch (mostly £1 sandwiches from the local supermarket) as I don't carry cash. Some people refuse, some people accept, not many are 'grateful' for being offered food. They don't have to be.

[badvocaattasteflump]

She was rude. All these remarks about 'asking first' are typical of MN.

A bit like threads where somebody is moaning about a noisy neighbour who shouts at her DC 24/7 and gets replies like 'have you gone round and offered to help this woman?'

[ageingrunner]

This pisses me off a bit really. I'm sure you're very nice, op, but Roma people are so vulnerable, being persecuted in Romania and having to come and live here and sell the big issue. I know she's only one person but it's just a bit crap to make a point of her being Roma (I understand you did this because of the headscarf thing) but there are some arseholes out there who will read this and use it as an excuse to not buy the big issue from these particular people etc.
I'm probably being over sensitive but that was my thought on reading this tbh.

[ageingrunner]

If this is true, ofc

[diddl]

I think that the rude thing was saying "oh you could have got me..."

She could have said thanks but unfortunately she didn't like tomato & that hopefully it wouldn't be wasted.

[formerbabe]

This thread is ridiculously naive.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

This is why I give money instead - you can't second guess everyone's food preferences (although the £ and consideration that went into your choice is an admirable quality, OP - please don't be put off of helping in the future), and the individual may prefer to spend it on a hot drink instead of food. I know there will always be people who refuse to hand over cash because, according to them "It will get spent on alcohol or drugs" (I've seen this uttered countless times on MN), but for god's sake, not every homeless person has an addiction problem - people end up on the streets for a myriad of reasons - unemployment, abuse, relationship breakdowns to name but a few.

And if the homeless man/woman does decide to put the money towards alcohol, well, that's their choice. I'm not about to police their decisions.

[MrsHathaway]

Honestly, in similar circumstances, I'd have done nothing. You don't have to do anything especially if you're skint.

This is definitely true and fair. By "similar circumstances" I was including having had a conversation with her and having offered to get her something, not just the being skint bit.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

I've learned to ask. I asked our local Big Issue seller (a Turkish lady) if I could get her a hot drink - she replied that she was hungry, so I asked her if she'd like a sandwich (was standing by Costa). She said she'd love a bacon sandwich (which I'd never have guessed as I assumed she was Muslim because she wears a headscarf) so went in and got her one. I guess whilst we want to help, and you had very good intentions, it's better to help in the way that the recipient needs it the most. I agree the lady was rude though.

[bumsexatthebingo]

I'm sure if anyone on here was stuck in a foreign country having to rely on the goodwill of others their manners in a second language would, of course, be second to none

[Perp]

I can't stand tomato soup ... I thinks it really gross! But had I the choice between that and staying cold and hungry I would have accepted it and been very grateful.
All of you chipping away at OP for giving when her own means are meagre should be ashamed. OP you sound like a lovely person, please don't let one instance put you off next time

[Candlestickchick]

She's completely ungrateful. OP, you were trying to do a kind thing for her and she should have recognised it as such. cannot believe some of the responses you've had.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She had the language skills to tell op she does not like tomato, and wants a chicken sandwich instead.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

You made a very generous gesture OP. There was nothing at all wrong with that.

Of course, the "correct" British thing to do would be to gratefully accept and then dispose of it discretely later if it's truly undrinkable. I probably would have assumed that the culture this lady comes from handle things differently and she therefore thought the best policy was to be truthful & give the soup back. For example, I can think of a German lady I know who I'm sure would have said "why on earth have you bought me tomato soup? I don't like it." and not considered herself to be being rude.

It's such a shame though, I'm very pleased to hear that somebody else was glad of the soup.

[Lorelei76]

I'm not sure what I think

I normally say "I'm going to Greggs, can I get you anything?" or some such.

btw I have today discovered Breakfast in a Bag (who have a wish list on Amazon so you can buy a £2 item for example) and also the Homeless Period but I'm still talking to them about the practicalities of donating, think we'll do it via work.

[bumsexatthebingo]

She clearly could speak some English. But there's a difference between being able to say certain words/phrases and putting them together in a way that sounds polite in a language you don't speak much of.

[Purplebluebird]

I think you were generous, and she was rude. I have bought food for a homeless magazine seller man before, and he was more than grateful. I got him a bag of food he could cook at the shelter, rice and some meat, pasta etc. He did not complain at all, he was just very happy. And that in turn made me very happy :)

[Namechangeemergency]

She is unlikely to be Muslim. Many Roma are Pentecostal Christians.
Yes it was rude. She should have been polite but perhaps she was bloody starving and had got it into her head that you were going to buy her something substantial?
The trouble is that poverty and degradation do not ennoble people in the way people think it should.
I don't know why people expect those with shit lives to behave better than those who are doing fine, but they do.

She may be a grumpy, rude woman but frankly, knowing what I do about the lives of many Roma women I am not surprised.

You did a nice thing but you really shouldn't be buying people food if you can't afford it.

I also don't think the description of her ethnicity was necessary. As a PP said its bound to cause issues.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

I guess I was just feeling sensitive as I only had £5 to spend in the first place, so potentially had wasted £2 of it.

She could well have more money than you.

Why are you spending almost half of what little you have on someone whose financial circumstances you know nothing about?

[MarklahMarklah]

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, she may have more money than me, but I don't have to stand out on the cold street twice a week to earn money.
DH pays for food shopping and doesn't begrudge me anything but I tend to buy 'bitty' things with my own money, using his for essentials.
Hopefully at some point I'll be earning soon so I'll be a bit more solvent.

I agree that it was stupid of me to assume her religious (and therefore food preferences), I put two and two together and made five. I guess because I know a Muslim lady who dresses exactly as this particular lady does. I only mentioned ethnicity because that had an effect on my though process regarding food preferences. The females I encounter in my social life who are dressed this modestly have all been Muslim and therefore would not have eaten a chicken & bacon sandwich (which was all that was left).

FWIW, although she is a Roma person, her English is very good, so I am guessing that in this case, it was a bit of a confusion on my part. I don't give things in the expectation that they fall on their knees and are thankful, but it would have nice if she'd said 'Thankyou' at some point, that's all.


Thankfully this is NOT like the time I bought a round of sandwiches, cake and candles for a street seller years ago who told me that it was her son's birthday that day and had nothing to give him. I was almost in tears. Until DH met her the next week and she told him the same story. That said, it hasn't put me off. I would hate to have to stand outdoors whatever the weather, or have to sleep in shop doorways because I can't afford a hostel.

[MrsHathaway]

I don't give things in the expectation that they fall on their knees and are thankful, but it would have nice if she'd said 'Thankyou' at some point, that's all.

This is not at all unreasonable.

If DH is earning and your roof is securely over your head then you are perfectly solvent. "He doesn't begrudge me anything" doesn't fit well with your feeling obliged to buy little things from your savings. Do have a think about where that obligation comes from and whether it's actually fair.

[Namechangeemergency]

It would be nice if people were always polite and kind.
But they aren't so if I were you I would just put it out of your head. Its not personal. I expect she would have been the same to anyone.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

She was ungrateful. She could have said thank you and then explained her preferences in case you buy her something in the future. I'm glad the soup didn't go to waste.

[Katy07]

You bought her, effectively, a gift. If someone bought you a gift would you say thank you regardless and pretend you liked it (or just be non-committal) or would you say 'I'd rather have...'? Personally I'd go with the former and say thank you. But then on another thread I've been called pious so maybe having good manners and wanting to do the right thing generally isn't acceptable any longer