Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

MIL and daughter's hat.

1003 replies

doomf · 08/12/2016 10:14

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
DawnAnn · 09/12/2016 19:10

busymomtoone

I take it you couldn't be bothered to read the thread in full then????

EstelleRoberts · 09/12/2016 19:11

Gosh, this is really, really strange. Mil STILL thinks she is in the right.

What on earth is making her think you are being insensitive to BIL and SIL, Doomf? Just because you bought your DD a slightly more expensive hat?? Fuck me. It clearly has to be more than that. Quite possibly things she has projected onto you, by the sound of her previous explanations. She has real issues with you. The explosive anger when confronted, and now this, is so bizarre.

Is there a FIL in the picture? Anyone to talk her round and inject some rationality into her thoughts? Clearly, she is not going to consider anything you have to say.

SilentBatperson · 09/12/2016 19:12

She should be more sensitive to them! They're upset at her behaviour, not OP and DH.

Bisquick · 09/12/2016 19:13

busymumtoone RTFT - it wasn't lost or misallocated FFs. It was deliberately taken and given to another child and OP was left hunting for it.

OP I think you've handled it as best you could. Just can't understand the posters saying it's a hat. Sure, but it doesn't make you uncomfortable to see someone take your daughter's things, give them to a cousin, let you hunt for them for an extended period of time, and then bizarrely act as though you're Robin Hood because the cousin's parents are apparently slightly less well off? And act like your son and DIL are rubbing their M&S and Zara wealth in your other son'a face? It sounds ludicrous!

DistanceCall · 09/12/2016 19:15

It does sound as if she really resents you, Doomf (that thing about you "raking it in" because you have been promoted...) Is she a, shall we say, more "traditional" sort of woman? Is there are class thing going on here?

busymomtoone · 09/12/2016 19:15

Smilehad only read to page 4 when posted so missed that she was " deliberately re allocating" to other grand child and apparently lying about ( though depending on age that could have been to cover tracks for muddling them up in first place). However you obv have lots of issues with her and the way she treats the grandchildren so agree if you can't let it go better to use a nursery. Make sure you label all your stuff though .....

whattheseithakasmean · 09/12/2016 19:18

Always best to rtft before commenting so you don't come across as a massive tit.

Are you going to reply to that batshit text OP?

QueenMortificado · 09/12/2016 19:20

I know it's not a troll thread and I'm not accusing anyone, but it's really weird how many people on MN have stuff nicked from them then bump in to those people in the street wearing that item!

This plus the eyeliner thread today. Weird!

dowhatnow · 09/12/2016 19:21

I too, think the op has conducted herself very well in this. She hasn't shouted back, left the hat there I wouldn't have beeen so generous and has been polite and clear throughout. She's tried to hand her mil an olive branch whilst making it clear that the behaviour isn't acceptable.

How much further can she go elle . Anything more would be just rolling over and allowing herself to be kicked even more.
I asked if you had any boundary issues. It's interesting what you say your friend says about what you allow your other friend to do. What happens in your relationships? Do you want to make them happy and avoid conflict? Perhaps you don't realise there is a problem because you don't argue. Is this because you let them have their own way all the time because you "don't mind" and you want them to be happy? I may be way off the mark and I apologise is I am, but I'm just trying to understand the mindset of someone who thinks it's not worth making a fuss over for the sake of family harmony.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 09/12/2016 19:23

She replied "you should be more sensitive to them

Shock

I know you should disengage but I would like to know how you are supposed to be sensitive to them Shock

I mean do you need to liaise where and what clothes they buy or their dd so you can follow suit? So you can all buy the same stuff?

Or do you walk your dd on her pony past bils house op?

I really think the other bil needs to know mil very much thinks of them as lesser.

its not healthy for either grandchild.

The point mentioned earlier which I quoted - is the most worrying thing about this scenario. Mil using her two dd to set them against each other.
There is so much going on here and its by MIL own admission I stuggle that some posters only see it as about a doddery forgetful mil and a hat.

DistanceCall · 09/12/2016 19:24

I wouldn't say coming across the MIL and the hat-wearing niece on the street "weird", given that Doomf and her MIL in the same area, the MIL takes care of the niece every week, and the MIL had stolen the hat specifically for the niece to wear it.

Likewise with the eyeliner. A child steals an eyeliner because she wants to wear it, and then wears it. How INCREDIBLY ODD, eh?

DistanceCall · 09/12/2016 19:25

Doomf and her MIL *live in the same area

busymomtoone · 09/12/2016 19:28

Dawn Ann Xmas WinkWineGrinFriday night - busy!!

DawnAnn · 09/12/2016 19:33

busymomtoone

If you say so Xmas Wink

NataliaOsipova · 09/12/2016 19:33

This gets crazier and crazier... Being sensitive to your BIL and SIL's financial situation means not talking about expensive things you have/are going to be doing. It does not mean that you should accept people stealing from your children or lying to your face.

Do you know what I think has happened? MIL found the hat, as she said, several weeks ago. Other DGD saw it - and took a shine to it. When Other DGD was told that it was the OP's DD's hat, she had a hissy fit (in the way that all three year olds do!) and said something to MIL about how she never has nice things like her cousin. (Children that age are always complaining about some lack of equity somewhere - "It's not fair..." etc etc). MIL is worried about some comments BIL has made about his finances and reads far, far more into this than she should. So - she tells the little girl (other DGD) that she can have it. Let's be charitable and give her the benefit of the doubt as assume that she probably thinks the OP has forgotten about it and that it will maybe be too small for her DD by now.

When OP laments its loss, MIL probably does feel a bit hot under the collar and a bit embarrassed - she can hardly ask for the hat back from other DGD now. So - what she should have done - at that point - was to apologise profusely to the OP and tell her what had happened. OP would have been understandably pissed off, but then - as other posters have been saying - she'd probably have thought "it's just a hat" and moved on. But MIL didn't! She lied to her face - very deliberately. And because MIL knows she was wrong and can't admit it, she makes up this enormous drama of self justification about poor BIL and poor DGD. And as for "not being able to find" the hat? It's with the other DGD - because she gave it to her....

Donthate · 09/12/2016 19:33

This is just bizarre, why don't you send her a link for her to buy her other grandaughter a hat instead of stealing yours.

MrsB168 · 09/12/2016 19:36

I really want to respond on your behalf.

"You should know not to take someone else's property- it's theft, you're not Robin Hood ffs. And BiL is less than impressed you're feeding their "poverty" back to us.
You lied, you stole and you are in the wrong."

I've just had a heated exchange myself so I'm putting my anger into your MiL Doomf Blush

gembush · 09/12/2016 19:37

Why lie tho?! It's just weird!

kittymamma · 09/12/2016 19:38

I get that your MIL is way out of line here, but I think you need to step away now. The text was unnecessary, if you wanted her to see the error in her ways, you are going to wrong way about it. Suddenly she is being attacked from all angles (Her DS's have/will be having words with her over this). You need to back off, otherwise this is going to become all about how you made them all pick on her.

The text message was a little harsh anyway. This has nothing to do with which child is more deserving. Your MIL was very unreasonable when she gave the hat to your niece. But in her mind the hat would mean so much more to the other girl than it would to your DD, as your DD has so much (in her opinion) and the other girl doesn't. It was the wrong thing to do, and it is only right that she was called out on it. I just don't think it is worth you having a massive fallout and causing damage that may be very difficult to fix. I would also worry that one could imply from the text message, that you work hard to buy nice things, but her parent's don't. Just because you work hard, doesn't always mean you have the money to buy expensive things for your kids. The right thing for her to do would have been to go out and buy her other grandchild the things she believes she is missing out on.

QueenMortificado · 09/12/2016 19:38

Distance I think it's odd! But then I live in London where there are eleventy bajillion people and the chances of every bumping in to someone you know are really small

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/12/2016 19:38

I think bil is mil favourite.

My mil told me in shocked tones that sil has to leave for work at 8am. Dh leaves at 7.15am. No reaction, special snowflake comes first.

SilentBatperson · 09/12/2016 19:40

Wouldn't 3 be a bit young for that type of I never get nice things, not fair stuff natalia?

kittymamma · 09/12/2016 19:41

I agree with NataliaOsipova, that is a very likely scenario. Perhaps MIL thought if she told you then you would go and make a scene about it (don't know why she may think that), so lied for an easy life, hoping that you would never find out.

MrsB168 · 09/12/2016 19:42

I have a 3 year old and he can't tell the difference between a hat from Asda and a hat from Joules, 3 year olds aren't like that Natalia, most 3 year olds have a melt down at being told to wear a hat!!

DistanceCall · 09/12/2016 19:47

NataliaOsipova, you are clearly a more charitable soul than me Grin

I grant that your hypothesis may be true (although I tend to think not). But in any case, even if the 3-year-old had kicked up a fuss about wanting her cousin's hat and how it was not fair, etc., the MIL seems to have her own bee in her bonnet about that, so she would have latched onto it.

Her (frankly poisonous) comments about Doomf "raking it in" now she has been promoted and her other granddaugher having less and Doomf and Mr Doomf needing to be more sensitive show that there is something more than wanting to placate a tantruming child here, I think.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread