MIL and daughter's hat.

[doomf]

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

My two cents on this is that if your MIL felt that her other granddaughter has less than your daughter (in her eyes), she is quite entitled to supply whatever she feels is lacking, by herself, paying for it out of her own money. She has absolutely no rights to redistribute clothing or anything else that you have bought for your daughter to your niece without at the very very least asking you first.

Hope you do get the hat back when your DH goes around (or if he has been by this stage).

Grandma sounds a bit bonkers but OP you are clearly relishing yr DH going round to have a go at her.
YABU
What would you ever do if you had a real problem?
Its a hat.

MIL sounds 2 sandwiches short of a picnic. How did DH get on?

So. The MIL decide to take one grandchild's hat and give it to the other child. Without telling neither pair of parents. She then knowingly lied to Doomf for weeks, denying that she knew anything about the hat, while she knew perfectly well where it was. Finally, when caught, she threw a fit and claimed that she had given it to the other child because she feels that she has "less" than Doomf's daughter.

But no, that's perfectly normal behaviour, and we are just a bunch of MIL-slagging harpies. FFS.

It doesn't matter if it's a MIL a SIL a DS or DB whoever. You don't steal from your own family. You don't steal from children. You don't lie to family. You don't deceive family.

The fact she's OPs MIL isn't all that relevant really.

OP this thread is MN MIL GOLD Thank you. .

Just settling down to read it - and aside from the obv stealing of the hat, for me its the actual verbal denial of seeing it that I find the worst thing.

Ie Mil could have searched for hat, found ops and innocently put it on, everyone had forgotten about it. But its unlikely as Op made a fuss of it last year.

BTW my Mil lies through her teeth too.

I agree with Elf, this is classic mumsnet and I love it!

Your MIL is crazy OP and I love you're calling her out on it all!

So DH popped in on the way home from work and asked what on earth was going on with the hat (he's quite calm and laid back) and MIL apparently exploded that it's not fair that BIL and SIL are having such a hard time right now and we're parading around in expensive clothes and drive a nice car (clothes are from marks/Zara etc and the car is a Kuga) and live in a nice house (a 3 bed) hardly Armani and range rovers and mansions. She feels that it's obvious DGD is feeling left out. I'm not sure how that can be the case because, as I said earlier, we're not that close and the girls don't socialise with each other often (maybe once every six weeks or so) and they're young so they're not even at an age where they'd really be doing the "look what I've got" routine. We also see each other at MIL's house so it's not like we're saying "ooooh look at our stuff" and we also aren't that well off!!! Just work and have a normal lifestyle and do normal things. She made a hoo ha tonight about me
Recently being promoted and how we're raking it in (we're not) and how things just don't seem fair. DH asked for the hat back and she couldn't find it I'm never getting the hat or the relationship with my MIL back, am I? DH told her she's acting like a woman possessed and she asked him to leave which he did. He's not sure whether to phone his DB in case his mum gets in there before him.

What an absolute bitch!

So, what's she going to say to her other son?

I'm guessing if they need to childcare they won't want to be making waves.

Yes he should fill his brother in. MIL sounds utterly mad. Do you think her exploding and saying ridiculous things was a way of covering herself? Either way she is totally out of order and personally would not have anything to do with her.

Definitely phone his DB.

And surprise, surprise the hat is missing again! Shocking behaviour from a Grandmother.

If she is that upset about her other dgds lack of nice things then why doesn't she buy her something herself. No I don't suppose that you are getting the hat back.
It maybe worth your DH speaking with her brother just so mil can't start playing them off against each other. Perhaps bil and sil don't send their DD in her best things to granny's because the too gave found items have gone missing.

It doesn't matter if his mother speaks to your DH's brother first. Your DH should call him or preferably go round and speak to him, (then they can't hang up). Your MIL's behaviour is absolutely outrageous.

I agree that he really must speak to his brother.

I'd be worried that she shouldn't be looking after either of her GDs.

She couldn't find it? Dear God, she is barking.

I had a feeling after reading through it was more to do with control. After this latest up date I think I am right. Your irking her and she was trying to use the hat as a control tool " I ll show them, YOU will have the precious hat doom is banging on about" she knows it meant something to you and she used it to get back at you.

A rebellion.

I dislike material comparisons too, as long as the child is well looked after and has the basics, a fancy car isn't going to improve a childs life in a meaningful way. Is she herself doing OK or is she jealous?

Did I miss how old the dc are. I am not sure how you proceed from here.
I think on a matter of principle you need to get the hat back, but for xmas I would buy the other child a very nice hat and perhaps see if there is anything you can do for them, are they really in dire straights? Can you share toys or do anything to help without mils Hat Philanthropy?

OP, just out of interest, how old is your MIL?

Your DH should have sat there until she got the bloody hat or gone and looked for it himself. Your MIL seems to have a huge chip on her shoulder about your finances. How dare she, its up to you if you want to buy your DD a diamond encrusted hat and have her parade it around. Her attitude is weird and I would refuse on principle to let her keep the hat.

I've phoned DD's nursery tonight and asked if they have a Tuesday free which they do so I think she'll be picking up an extra day there! DH agrees that this is the best thing to do. My own DM just thinks she's bonkers and is best avoided.

I've told DH to go round to his DB's and explain what's going on.

She's lost the plot as far as I'm concerned and it'll be a long time before I'm in her company again.

Girls are 4 and 3 (my DD is the 4 years old) and MIL is 62

I'd post a picture of the hat on Facebook, tagging your MIL saying something like 'MIL has misplaced X's hat, could all my friends share this message as X really loves that hat and is heartbroken it's missing so we'd really like to find it'

Op do you keep your dd old clothes etc? Would it be appropriate to ask them if they want them or perhaps old toys? Your neice sounds perfect age from your own DD to have hand me downs. But you may want to keep the clothes and it may be construed as an insult?

I don't care about these things, ie getting second hand clothes. But if they are struggling...it may be a kind gesture. ....And circumnavigate mils

I think nursery is a great idea. I do strongly suspect its more of a control thing and two fingers up to you, otherwise any normal person would have simply brought a new hat for the other child.

I really want to see this hat.