MIL and daughter's hat.

[doomf]

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

The only solution is the one you've identified, which is to find new childcare.

And the OP isn't getting worked up over a hat. She's getting worked up over being lied to, and behaviour she finds unacceptable. As someone with a DM, and a MIL both prone to this, I get it.

Your DH is right to be cross (although livid might be an overreaction) and then you just move on from it.

April will be opening her doors for the world to come in and take anything they fancy then presumably.

I was going to drop an email to dd2's class parents this afternoon to see if anyone has got her PE shorts but if me not caring about the missing shorts means a poor hungry child will be fed...

Is it possible that your BIL or SIL saw the hat and took it for the girl, and MIL is trying to cover up for them?

There may be a back story that we don't know about, because it does seem a fair bit of drama for a hat! Does your DD like going to see your MIL?

I asked when she'd found it and she said several weeks ago and she just felt like her other DGD has less than my DD so she'd just give it quietly to her.

OMG

Look April to you it's just a hat.

But it isn't just a hat. It's the principle too. First it's a hat, then it's a coat and a pair of trousers. Then it's toys.

Where does the line stop?

What did you say to her when she told you this??

10 pages on hatgate - I've read some barmy DILs criticising their MILS but this one takes the biscuit. And how rude of the DIL to speak like like that to her MIL - she could easily have made a light hearted comment - does this bloody hat have threads of gold running through it FGS?

But surely if MIL feels so strongly about DN not having nice things there's nothing to stop her buying her a new hat herself? Not steal someone else's.

Well Magic why don't you buy the OP a new hat for her DD then?

YANBU, except for having left the hat behind today when you went round.

You should have taken it, and said "well if you're that worried about DN having less than our DD, BUY her her own hat, don't take it upon yourself to take my DD's hat away from her!"

How very fecking rude of her to think she had any kind of right to do that! For all she knows, you could have saved up for ages to buy that particular hat for your DD, and she clearly knew it meant a lot to you because you kept asking about it. Cheek!

Hope your DH puts her straight on her behaviour being inappropriate, and yes, I do think that you'd be better putting her into childcare - she might decide that your DD has too many toys, or too much food, or other things and start redistributing those as well!

Oops - too many unidentified "she"s in that last paragraph - I think it's just about clear that you wouldn't be putting MIL into childcare though!

She is cream crackers. Sounds like she doesn't like you very much and is trying to get one over you.
Time to make other childcare arrangements.

Ok she feels sorry for her other GC but she should even things up out of her own pocket. You can't be generous with other peoples money hats
That needs to be spelled out big time. It is totally out of order. So what that hats cost very little. It is the principle of it all.

Get new childcare. Once the trust is gone, you can't get it back. Unless she is very very grovelly and never puts a foot wrong again, I'd be backing off significantly.

I'm sorry op but I'm going to have to post so that I find out what happens when your dh goes round later.

I absolutely don't think you were bu BTW, although I'm too late for that now.

My BIL is my DH's brother. I think I'm more concerned that she feels it's ok to sneakily give away things that do not belong to her. People seem to play fast and loose with their belongings on this thread

I'm just surprised people think the OP is rude for pointing out that the hat she's been looking for has clearly been found but it's completely acceptable for the MIL to admit she's been lying about this hat when the OP has mentioned it more than once!

Also, to the people saying the OP should be grateful about the childcare, she has already said she could afford the extra day but she leaves her dd with her so they can spend time together.

Glad the hat will be coming back tonight OP! You are definitely not in the wrong.

I can really empathise with the OP, actually. Yes - it's a hat - but some things that my DDs had had huge sentimental value. My DH lost my DD's (matching her coat) hat at the garden centre one weekend. I was really sad about it - got home, phoned them on the off chance and one of the lovely ladies went out into the snow to look for it...and found it. I remember feeling ridiculously happy about that....so I can understand how the OP feels disproportionately upset about finding the hat she's been searching for on her niece!

I can't believe the number of people saying it's just a hat....she provides a days free childcare...fuck off!! She's acted in an underhand manner, stole off her own granddaughter and used her other child (bil/sils financial state) as a scapegoat. She's a grown woman and should be held accountable, no matter what the value of the item is. And the childcare has fuck all to do with it.

Doomf. I'm on your side. She was caught red handed and for god knows what reason gave the hat she KNEW was your dds to another grandchild. I can't understand why everyone is on her side. Your dh obviously knows what's she is like and he is her son so he knows best.

Well done for calling her out. I'd be fuming. Childcare or not.

Your DH sounds like a good one, he's got your back and your DD's best interests at heart. Far too often on MN we hear of men who can't or won't stand up to toxic parents; it makes a nice change...

I think it's the fact that she saw fit to take from one DGD to give to the other that is what makes this so uncomfortable.

If MiL thought that one DGD didn't have enough stuff then she could have bought her a hat to redress the balance. She must think that the other DGD has too much to want to take from her.

Right now it's a hat. Tomorrow it could be an iphone or a gold bracelet. Your mil had no right to give away your DD's belongings just because she feels sorry for her other granddaughter. Instead she should either buy the other kid things out of her own pocket, or teach the other girl to make do with what she has. Agree that alternative childcare arrangements are the best idea going forwards.

Blimy just read the updates that she gave it away to other grandchild knowing you wanted it. She must be stupid or simply has no morals

It feels like there's a bit of favouritism of your MIL's part. I think your idea to look for alternative childcare is prudent

So what if it's a pair of shoes or a really nice dress?! Yes the mil provides childcare but it doesn't give her right to give belongings of one child to another and then lie. If she feels that way she could buy one child a little less. It's not on to take someone else's.