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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting DH's family on New Year's Eve

85 replies

FedUpWithHisFamily · 08/12/2016 09:36

Hi, everyone. Last night had mighty row with DH, as he wants "his family" on New Year's Eve at ours, as we are going to my sister's for Christmas. DH's family- his 4 nephews, age ranging from 23 to 27. Two of the older ones will bring girlfriends, and a 5-months-old baby. We have 2 and 5-year-olds. My DH will be working all week leading to NY, also, till 6 o'clock that evening and on 1st of Jan. Somehow, my DH decided that his family will come for dinner on NY eve! AIBU to not want that? My DH is youngest brother of three, he is 39 himself, but views his nephews as his responsibility, as parents of the boys all live abroad. It's been few years already that they all coming to ours. I, of course, am expected to lay great feast for all of them! This year I will have no help whatsoever from my DH, as he is working. Apart fom big row, I have no idea how to deal with the situation. DH is adamant he wants "his family".

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 10:42

HaveNoSocks: That's exactly what I am saying. If he is that keen when the OP isn't, he should do the work himself. But I would bet any amount of money he isn't thinking about a big pan of stew either!

HaveNoSocks · 08/12/2016 10:43

TrifleOrBust: I totally agree with you, I'm just saying that the issue in question isn't whether or not his family comes (she would be U to refuse them coming) but whether or not she should be expected to lay on a feast (she is NU to not want to cater a huge feast on her own while looking after two kids). I would say to DH that they're very welcome to come but I don't plan to cook an extravagant feast, he can do something in advance, or buy nibbles or get a take away etc. If he doesn't like that then it's definitely him being unreasonable.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 10:45

IHateDailyMailJournos: I think you are living in a dream world if you think most people wouldn't be a bit Confused by pizza and chips when invited to someone's home for New Year. And they are lovely, they would never say anything, but when effort is assymetric people tend to notice!

And yes, of course the OP could 'go a little more upmarket' but that's the point, isn't it? There are expectations and her DH isn't the one who will have to meet them.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 10:45

HaveNoSocks: Totally agree!

midsomermurderess · 08/12/2016 10:49

Get in a whole load of take away and let them get on with it. I really don't think it's worth having a massive falling out over. Christ, life can be difficult enough.

TrishanFlips · 08/12/2016 11:03

Sounds great fun. It's nice that you are close enough that they like to come. You just have to figure out how to minimise effort on the day. What about buying 8 precooked chickens and warming up. You just have to do the veg and gravy then on the night. Perhaps the veg could be precooked and warmed up too. What do you normally serve them?

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 11:05

What about buying 8 precooked chickens and warming up...

Who the hell buys a chicken for each guest?

And who is carving all these chickens??

IHateDailyMailJournos · 08/12/2016 11:09

TrifleorBust. You are confusing me with other posters. I never suggested pizza and chips Hmm in fact I said you could go a bit more upmarket with very little effort. There is a lot of middle ground between oven pizza and chips and slaving away in the kitchen all day.
Would you really be dissapointed in being served food from somewhere like COOK because I wouldn't. I know that might be a pricier option but there are cheaper options out there too.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 11:13

IHateDailyMailJournos: I didn't say you did and no I am not confusing you with other posters. You said guests would be happy with whatever they got. I said they wouldn't, referencing the idea of pizza and chips as an example of what would be considered by most people to be a bit low rent. And I'm sure there are lots of middle ground options - all of them require some planning, plus either effort or expense, though, and the husband in this case is rather unfairly putting the burden of this on the OP.

BiddyPop · 08/12/2016 11:15

That's OK in terms of both of you seeing your respective families.

However, HE definitely needs to organize it. So the night before, he makes lasagnes or casseroles or something that can be easily cooked in the oven or reheated on the stove.

HE does the shopping in advance.

HE cleans the toilets the night before or ensures he is home early enough from work to do that.

Or, alternatively, HE does all the work for Christmas Day's celebrations and allows you to enjoy your family's visit, in turn for you reciprocating on NYE.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/12/2016 11:22

Or, alternatively, HE does all the work for Christmas Day's celebrations and allows you to enjoy your family's visit

They are at OPs sisters for Christmas not at home.

MissMarplesHat · 08/12/2016 11:23

Of course you could say "so what are YOU going to make for everyone?"

allowlsthinkalot · 08/12/2016 11:52

DH could make something like a big lasagne that will go in the fridge until he gets home from work to put it in the oven.

Katy07 · 08/12/2016 12:01

5 options:
1, DH does catering
2, Guests bring food
3, Takeaway - everyone chips in to pay (tell them in advance)
4, Random selection of nibbles that DH buys
5, Cancel

If he wants a big meal then he has to help (in a big way) because it's a fair number of people involved.

Original poster
FedUpWithHisFamily · 08/12/2016 12:26

Thank You, Everyone, for lovely ideas! Not sure why I did not think of a take-away before. My DH will not be happy entirely, as he does not like take-away food, but that is the best solution. Problem is that it is just too many people for me to cook for. With two children and a full-time job I simply can not be ar*ed to make so much effort. These boys (nephews) are lovely, we get along nicely, our children love their cousins, but it is my DH who expects me to do everything on my own, as he is working, and I am not- have taken holidays as children are off school. Much preffered to have quiet NY eve at home without any guests:(

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpWithHisFamily · 08/12/2016 12:30

Best idea!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/12/2016 12:33

An alternative to take away then could be sending a message round to everyone to ask them to bring something with them? 5 families should be able to bring a good selection

BiddyPop · 08/12/2016 12:38

Sorry Piglet, my bad, I missed that part of the OP

expatinscotland · 08/12/2016 13:04

'My DH will not be happy entirely, as he does not like take-away food, but that is the best solution. Problem is that it is just too many people for me to cook for. With two children and a full-time job I simply can not be ar*ed to make so much effort. These boys (nephews) are lovely, we get along nicely, our children love their cousins, but it is my DH who expects me to do everything on my own, as he is working, and I am not- have taken holidays as children are off school. Much preffered to have quiet NY eve at home without any guestssad'

Then it needs to be made very clear to him that you will not be doing all the cooking and cleaning and catering. If HE wants this, then he needs to cook it and clean it up.

He's full of shit expecting you to do it all whilst he swans in. When you're going to your sister's YOU aren't laying on a big feast. You have a 2-year-old.

'We'll be having takeaway for NYE.' 'I don't like takeaway food'. 'Then you can cook something for yourself, just let me know.' 'But I expected you to cook.' 'Nope, it's not going to happen. I don't want to cook and clean on NYE. And we're going to my sister's for Xmas, not cooking for 8 adults.'

SapphireStrange · 08/12/2016 13:05

I agree with expat. In the nicest possible way, get a backbone. Stand up for yourself. Why does he get to rule on everything?

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:38

Just tell him it's him cooking, takeaway, or nothing.

Original poster
FedUpWithHisFamily · 08/12/2016 13:42

Expat, our argument went exactly like you just posted (were you here? :) My DH just has no idea how much work goes into organising everything. He thinks it is enough (on his part!) to buy some beer, and the rest is magically appears on the table. It has always been like that, but this year I have decided to change and complain :(
We are going to have another argument tonight as he will not be happy with the takeaway idea. Just remembered couple years ago, when my baby was 6 months old, 2 nephews came for NY diner, and I had the cheek to give them shop-bought houmus with breadsticks for starters (maincourse was roast with all the trimmings)- my DH was not happy. Even that I had transferred dips into nice bowls, decorated them with some herbs, etc. :(
Asking everybody to bring something to the party is not brilliant idea either: a 23-year-old nephew, who's till last summer lived with his parents, will have no idea what to buy- he survives on takeway food.
Also, I kind of feel bad serving them pizzas, when they are so far from home. We see them all the time- all of us live in London.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:45

Honestly, OP, tell him he has no business imposing his standards on you when he isn't prepared to do the job himself. Don't engage further than that.

MissMarplesHat · 08/12/2016 13:51

Its not his family that are a problem its your husband treating you like a domestic appliance and a maid Angry

expatinscotland · 08/12/2016 13:51

'We are going to have another argument tonight as he will not be happy with the takeaway idea. Just remembered couple years ago, when my baby was 6 months old, 2 nephews came for NY diner, and I had the cheek to give them shop-bought houmus with breadsticks for starters (maincourse was roast with all the trimmings)- my DH was not happy. Even that I had transferred dips into nice bowls, decorated them with some herbs, etc. sad'

Grow a spine because he's being an asshole. There would be no argument because I wouldn't engage at all.

'I'm not cooking this year. I am not cooking this year. So it's takeaway or you arrange something else.' 'But we're going to your sister's.' 'Yes, and she has volunteered to host it and lay on the food. I didn't volunteer for this. I took time off to make childcare easier, not cook and clean.'

And then you just repeat and repeat. 'It's takeaway or you arrange something else. I'm not cooking and cleaning.'

And then do it.